The Opposite

Jerry:We're at this point in human history where we've figured out how to do almost anything. We can transplant organs, we can communicate across the world instantly, we can send people to space. And yet... handkerchiefs. We still haven't solved handkerchiefs.

Jerry:You know what I love about men's pockets? You reach in there, you never know what you're gonna find. Could be a dollar bill, could be a movie ticket stub, could be mucous. Just sitting there with your keys and your wallet like it belongs there.

Jerry:So they're proud of any bodily emission

Jerry:Reducing it to its crude function: 'snot rag'

Elaine:Thank you so much for this opportunity. I really appreciate your faith in me.

Elaine:Now, about my office — I'm going to need the one with the window. And a better chair. Actually, a much better chair.

Elaine:Oh, I got it, baby. I got the raise.

Jerry:Where were you?

George:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it!

George:I'm very perceptive. I pick up on things.

George:Like, I noticed the other day that when you leave milk out, it gets warm.

George:I'm getting tired of this. I'm tired of being a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man.

George:My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

George:I'm going to go talk to a beautiful woman.

George:If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George:I'm gonna do the opposite. Everything that comes to my mind, I'm gonna do the opposite.

George:My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Waitress:Hi, what can I get you?

George:I'll have the tuna on toast, no mayonnaise, and a cup of coffee.

George:Wait, I always get tuna on toast, no mayonnaise. The opposite would be... I'd like an almond-roca sundae with a cup of tea.

George:And I notice you're very attractive. I find that I'm secretly very much in love with you.

Kramer:You know, I've been reading about fish migration. They've got this internal compass, see? They can sense the Earth's magnetic field. It's all very scientific.

Kramer:So what I'm saying is, if you eat a lot of fish, you're gonna start developing these same instincts. Your body's gonna know where north is.

Jerry:A tuna. So you're telling me that you think the tuna swims backwards?

Kramer:All fish swim backwards, and only swim forwards by accident.

Jerry:And you've based this on what exactly?

Kramer:It just makes sense!

Jerry:No, it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make any sense.

George:I'm short, stocky, slow-witted, I'm balding. What woman in the right mind would ever want to date me?

George:I'm doing the opposite. Every instinct I have, I'm going to do the opposite.

Jerry:If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George:Hi. I'm George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Woman:...

George:But I'm willing to try a different approach if you'd like.

George:Hi, I'm George. I'm short, stocky, slow-witted, I live with my parents, I'm unemployed, I have no skills and I'm looking for a job.

Woman:Hi, I'm Victoria. I'm very much interested in you.

Jerry:Your book is going on tour?

Kramer:Yeah, we're going to hit all the major cities.

Jerry:Kramer, nobody's going to show up.

Kramer:Oh, they'll show up.

Jerry:What are you going to talk about on TV?

Kramer:Well, I'll tell you about the time I got stuck in the window.

Jerry:You know, I think I'm like... Even Steven. Everything balances out for me.

Jerry:Why should I shave? I'm just going to have to shave again tomorrow. It's like laundry—you do it and three days later you need clean clothes again. But with shaving, it's every day. It's the most pointless recurring task in human existence. At least laundry you can procrastinate on. Nobody knows if you've shaved or not except you and your girlfriend, and she's already seen me like this, so what's the difference?

George:Excuse me! Excuse me! You know, you kids are being very disruptive. Now I don't want to have to come over there again.

George:You better cut it out right now or I'm gonna report you to the usher!

George:You know, I'm getting better at this. I actually enjoy arguing now. It's exhilarating!

George:My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

George:I think I'll go over there and talk to that girl.

George:Hi, I'm George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

George:It's not my life. But if I lived that life, I'd do anything to get out of it.

Elaine:Want one? [Elaine offers Jake a Jujyfruit while visiting him in the hospital]

Jake:So you heard that I was in a car accident and then decided to stop off for some Jujyfruit?

Regis:So you've written a book about a coffee table book about coffee tables?

Kramer:Yeah.

Regis:What's the genius in that?

Kramer:It's a coffee table book about coffee tables. And the book itself becomes a coffee table.

Kramer:I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Kathie Lee:My clothing line! Do you know how much this means to me?

Kramer:It's just a little coffee.

Kathie Lee:Just a little coffee? This is cashmere!

Jerry:Wait, so you had time to eat candy but not time to help with an emergency?

Elaine:Well, I had already committed to the Twix.

Jerry:You had committed to the Twix?

Elaine:Yes! And then there was the Snickers, and the Milky Way situation...

Jerry:So your candy schedule was more important than helping me?

Elaine:I had a system! You can't just abandon a system!

Kramer · Regis · Kathie Lee:Kramer appears on Regis and Kathie Lee — his entrance, hair, and general energy causing both hosts to lose composure.

Kramer:Oh, I found twenty bucks!

George:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it!

Jerry:What happened to you?

George:I did the opposite.

Jerry:The opposite?

George:If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George:I'm getting my life back on track. I'm living the life I want to live.

George:If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George:My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

George:If I thought of the most socially inept, pathetic thing to say to a woman, what would it be?

George:Hi, I'm George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Jerry:My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

George:Oh, that's not a lie. It's the truth!

George:From this day forward, I will not be George. I will be the man I've always been, but a different man, a new man, with a new philosophy of life.

George:If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

Jerry:So you're saying if you see a beautiful woman, you should walk up to her and introduce yourself with something completely inappropriate?

George:Yes, exactly.

Jerry:Well, I guess that's one way to approach it. Though I'm not sure the Almighty intended for us to use women as a testing ground for theological extremes.

George:Well, I worked at the New York Yankees for a few years.

Interviewer:And what were your responsibilities?

George:I was an assistant to the traveling secretary.

Interviewer:And why did you leave?

George:I was fired. For conduct unbecoming.

Interviewer:Conduct unbecoming?

George:I was caught making out with the owner's daughter on the owner's desk.

George:Mr. Steinbrenner, I must say, you are a bad owner. You don't know how to run a team.

Steinbrenner:What?!

George:You heard me. You are the worst owner in baseball. Your decisions are terrible, your instincts are wrong, and you've turned the Yankees into a laughing stock.

Steinbrenner:Get out of my office!

George:I'm leaving.

George:Mr. Steinbrenner, I've got to tell you, you're a bad guy. You're a really bad guy.

Steinbrenner:Huh?

George:You want to know what the problem is? You don't listen to people. And you don't care about their problems.

Steinbrenner:That's a terrible thing to say. Why would you say that to me?

George:Because you're sitting here, and you're in my life, and you're ruining it. You're a bad man. You've made poor decisions as a boss and as a human being.

Steinbrenner:Well, I think you're terrific.

Elaine:Well, he said he was a jeweler! I thought he worked with jewelry, not stole it!

Jerry:Elaine, that's not really a defense.

Elaine:What? It's a common mistake!

Jerry:Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Jerry:Yeah, that's probably best.

Elaine:No, no, no, wait a minute. That's not even on the books. You can't cite me for that.

Elaine:Wait, so you're telling me you're inviting me to your parents' house?

George:Yes, what's the problem?

Elaine:I thought you do the opposite of what you normally do. Wouldn't the opposite be NOT inviting me?

Elaine:I'm sorry, I just have to say something. That handkerchief you're using? That's disgusting. You just blew your nose on it and now you're putting it back in your pocket? That's the most revolting thing I've ever seen.

Lippman:I'm sorry, gentlemen. I have a terrible cold. I don't think I can shake your hands.

Japanese Executive:No handshake?

Lippman:I'm contagious. I wouldn't want to spread this to you.

Japanese Executive:In Japan, we bow.

Lippman:Well, then let's bow.

George:I love you guys. You know that? I really do.

Jerry:Yeah, well remember what we talked about - you gotta do the opposite of every instinct you have.

George:Even this?

Jerry:Especially this.

Elaine:I can't believe I stuffed all these Jujyfruits in my mouth at once.

Elaine:Why did I think that was a good idea?

Jerry:A handkerchief? What am I, my grandfather? Nobody carries a handkerchief anymore.

Jerry:But somehow, this one missing handkerchief... it's like a thread pulling through the whole fabric of my day.

Jerry:I lose the handkerchief, I can't wipe my hands, I touch the door handle dirty, the handle breaks, someone slips, they call a lawyer, the lawyer loses the case, he has a breakdown, he can't work, his wife leaves him...

Jerry:All because of a handkerchief. You see? This is why nobody carries them anymore. Too much responsibility.

Elaine:Oh my God. I'm George. I've become George.

George:What are you talking about?

Elaine:I'm short, stocky, bald—I'm George!

George:You know, I was just talking to Derek Jeter the other day.

Jerry:You know, I'm like Even Steven. I always split things evenly. If the bill is $47.50, I'm paying exactly $23.75. Not a penny more, not a penny less.

Jerry:The guy at the register looks at me like I'm insane. 'Sir, you can't pay half a cent.' I say, 'That's not my problem. That's math's problem.'

Tina · Elaine:Well, last Thanksgiving you buzzed up a jewel thief. / I didn't know who he was. / That's why there's a buzzer. / What else? / Apparently, the week after that you buzzed up some Jehovah's Witnesses, and they couldn't get them out.

Tina:The week after that, you buzzed up some Jehovah's Witnesses and they couldn't get them out.

Jerry:I'll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is. If you're going out with someone your size, right there, you double your wardrobe.

Jerry:Oh, come on. That's a huge feature. When they approach a new recruit, I'm sure that's one of the big selling points.

Jerry's girlfriend · Jerry:I've been doing a lot of thinking. I don't think we should see each other anymore. / That's okay. / What? / It's fine. No problem. / I'll meet somebody else. / You will? / Sure. See, things always even out for me.

George:Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle... Costanza?

George · Jerry:I'm going on the road trips. I'll be on the plane. I'm working in Yankee Stadium. This is a dream. I'm busting. / Jerry, I'm busting.

Elaine:I put Canadian quarters in the washing machine.

George:Well, you could move in with my parents.

Jerry · George:Was that the opposite of what you were going to say, or was that just your natural instinct? / Instinct. / Stick with the opposite.

Jerry · Elaine:Elaine, don't get too down. Everything will even out. See, I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he's up, you're down. See how it all evens out for me?

Elaine:Mr. Lippman, you forgot your handkerchief. [Elaine rushes out to give Lippman his handkerchief just before the critical business meeting]

Mr. Lippman · Matsushimi executives:I'm sorry. I can't shake your hand right now. Germs. [Lippman refuses to shake the Japanese executive's hand because he's already used the handkerchief]

Jerry · Kramer:I can't believe you're moving out. / Kramer, is this true? Is it really happening? / It's like a dream.

Kramer · Jerry:I just want the both of you to know how much you mean to me, and I love you both very, very much. / Opposite.

Elaine · Jerry:I must've had eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk. / Why'd you have to eat so many? / Because they're Jujyfruit. I like them.

Elaine · Jerry:I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing. Not to mention the end of Kramer's book. / You knew he had a cold. How did you expect him to blow his nose?

Elaine · Jerry:I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing. Not to mention the end of Kramer's book.

Elaine · Jerry:Can't you see what's happened? I've become George. Don't say that. It's true. I'm George. I'm George.

George:Greetings, people. Greetings and salutations. What a beautiful day for a ball game. Let's play two. I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual.

George:So I had a little conversation today with Mr. Don Mattingly. He's the first baseman. We talked about his new batting stance. I'm not crazy about it. But I said, 'Donnie, go with it till it stops working.' Donnie Baseball. He's a hell of a guy.

George:So I had a little conversation today with Mr. Don Mattingly. He's the first baseman. We talked about his new batting stance. I'm not crazy about it. But I said, 'Donnie, go with it till it stops working.' Donnie Baseball. He's a hell of a guy.

George:Wait, wait. That's too much. Mine was more than yours. / Let's call it even.

Jerry:Coffee is a drink that encourages a lot of accessories around it. Coffee cake, coffee table, coffee table book, klatches of people.

Jerry:Say what you want about alcohol, but not only aren't there a lot of optional accessories, alcohol actually helps you get rid of things. Family, home, job, driver's license.

Jerry:The only thing you have to remember to get is more alcohol. And maybe a rag for your squeegee.