The Chaperone

Jerry:You know, baseball and sex are really similar. It's all the same metaphors. You got your bases, you got your equipment, you got your strategy. 'Did you get to first base?' 'Did you get to second base?' 'Did you score?' It's all there.

Jerry:And then there's the stuff that doesn't work the same way. Like, in baseball, if you strike out three times, you're out. In sex, if you strike out three times, she wanted a diamond.

Jerry:Why do we always get the fat umpires? I think there's a logic to it. Non-players should be in the worst possible shape. Like, 'You can't play? Okay, you stand behind the plate. And don't move.'

Jerry:I mean, what's next? We're gonna have fat referees in basketball? 'Cause that's not gonna work. A guy's gotta move side to side, keep up with the play. You got a 300-pound guy in black shorts, he's gonna need his own zip code just to cover the court.

Jerry:You know what I love about sports fans? They say 'we won.' 'We won!' No, you didn't win. They won. You watched. There's a big difference between those two things.

George:I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm just making it all up as I go along.

George:I just like to hear myself talk.

George:You know, polyester is a miracle fabric. It never wrinkles, it never stains, it lasts forever. It's like wearing a plastic bag.

Jerry:What's wrong with that?

George:What's wrong with it? I'll tell you what's wrong with it. My father wore a leisure suit in 1974. One leisure suit. He's still trying to get the smell out of the house.

Jerry:Look at these women. They're all so beautiful. You know what? Beauty pageant should be a viable career option. I mean, think about it - these women spend their whole lives training for this moment. And then what? It's over. They have nothing. No skills, no education, nothing but a crown and a sash.

Jerry:But if we made it a real career, they could do pageants year-round. Summer pageants, winter pageants, pageants in the spring. They could make a living doing what they love - standing there looking beautiful and waving.

Jerry:She's watching her weight? I'm watching it too. We can watch it together.

Jerry:I'd be a terrible spokesman for coffee. I'm too relaxed. They'd be like, 'We need someone who's really excited about coffee.' And I'd be like, 'It's fine. It's okay. It's brown liquid. Drink it if you want.'

Jerry:What does a chaperone do? I mean, what's the job description? Do they just show up and stand there? Do they have to talk to the kids?

George:I think they're supposed to supervise. Make sure nothing happens.

Jerry:But do they have to be friendly? Can they just ignore everyone?

Elaine:I went on a school trip once. The chaperone barely said a word the whole time.

Jerry:So it's possible. A chaperone can just... exist.

Elaine:There is no grace. You either have it or you don't.

Jerry:I have no grace. I'm like a bull in a china shop. I walk into a room and things break.

George:You should say grace before you enter somewhere.

Jerry:Say grace? What am I, at Thanksgiving dinner?

Elaine:He means like a prayer, Jerry. 'Dear God, please let Jerry not destroy anything.'

Kramer:I say grace before I eat. I say grace before I sleep. I say grace before I use the bathroom.

Jerry:Before the bathroom?

Kramer:You never know what's gonna happen in there.

Interviewer:So, tell me, what are your greatest weaknesses?

Elaine:Well, I'm a little obsessive. I can be very stubborn. And I have a tendency to say inappropriate things at inappropriate times.

Interviewer:I see. Anything else?

Elaine:I'm not good with authority figures. I have poor work ethic. And I think you're a jerk.

Interviewer:The interview is over.

Elaine:See? Inappropriate times.

Secretary:Mr. Justin Pitt is here to see you.

Secretary:And boy, is that a tough name to say.

Jerry:You know, you can be too nice. You congenial someone, they're gonna take advantage of you.

Jerry:Rhode Island? They don't have a chance.

Kramer:Are you kidding? I've been watching college basketball for thirty years. Rhode Island's got a solid team this year. They can make a run.

Jerry:Since when are you a basketball expert?

Kramer:Since I've been watching it on TV my whole life!

Mr. Pitt:Grace? She has grace?

Elaine:Yes, I have grace.

Mr. Pitt:Let me see you walk.

Elaine:What?

Mr. Pitt:Walk. I want to see if you have grace.

George:The cotton uniform. It's soft, it's comfortable, it breathes.

George:In the summer, when it's hot, people are gonna love this thing.

George:And in the winter, they'll still be comfortable because the cotton retains body heat.

Buck:What's the advantage over polyester?

George:Polyester doesn't breathe. You're gonna sweat. And when you sweat in polyester, you smell.

George:With cotton, you don't smell. You're cool, you're dry, you're comfortable.

George:This is the uniform of the future.

Elaine:I have to buy Mr. Pitt socks.

Jerry:What kind of socks does Mr. Pitt wear?

Elaine:I don't know, some kind of fancy socks.

Jerry:Well, while you're at it, why don't you pick me up some socks? And maybe some nice underwear?

Jerry:Kramer, I need your help. I'm trying to hook up with this girl who's in a beauty pageant.

Kramer:Whoa, whoa, whoa. A beauty pageant? Jerry, those are sacred institutions. You can't just go around trying to hook up with pageant contestants.

Jerry:What? Since when do you have a moral stance on pageant sanctity?

Kramer:Since now! It's about integrity, Jerry. Those girls are competing for a crown, not for your affection.

Kramer:Well, she could've been prettier.

Kramer:Karen, let me be honest with you. You got a little junk in the trunk.

Karen:Watch as I make this card disappear!

Jerry:Where'd it go?

Karen:It's... in your shirt pocket.

Jerry:I don't have a shirt pocket.

Karen:Then the magic is working even better than I thought!

Kramer:Red? With those shoes? No, no, no. You need something that complements the whole package. I'm telling you, Karen, it's all about the color wheel.

Jerry:What the hell?

Jerry:You were in a pageant?

Kramer:I was in several pageants.

Jerry:I pooh-pooh that.

Kramer:You can't pooh-pooh me!

Jerry:Why not? I pooh-poohed your coffee table book about coffee tables.

Kramer:She has the poise, the bearing, the intelligence of a true beauty queen!

Jerry:Yeah, you're right.

Kramer:I mean, those other girls don't have a chance against her! She's got it all!

George:Listen to this: 'I've never felt anything like it. It's like wearing a cloud. I don't ever want to take it off.' This guy's talking about a uniform!

Mr. Pitt:These socks are completely unacceptable. The weave is too tight - it's restricting blood flow to my feet. And the heel reinforcement? Completely asymmetrical. My left foot feels like it's being strangled while my right foot is practically floating. Also, the arch support is angled at precisely the wrong degree. I need socks that conform to my feet, not the other way around.

Elaine:Can I get the socks tomorrow instead?

Mr. Pitt:Tomorrow?! I need socks today! My feet are cold NOW!

Kramer:Okay, Karen, when they ask you about world peace, you gotta think about the children. Always the children.

Kramer:And when they ask about your platform, you say it's about bringing people together. But be specific! Not just any people - people who care about the things that matter.

Kramer:The swimsuit competition? Confidence, Karen. Walk like you own the stage. Own it! I've studied this. I know pageants.

Kramer:And the evening gown - that's where champions are made. The glide, the turn, the smile. It's all about the smile!

Kramer:You know what separates Miss Universe from Miss Congeniality? Poise. Raw, unbridled poise. I'm telling you, I've been to Atlantic City!

Mr. Pitt:I've been wearing the same socks for three weeks now. They're holding up remarkably well. The fabric has a certain resilience, a tensile strength that most people don't appreciate.

Mr. Pitt:I don't wear socks. I never have. I never will.

Jerry:You know, we're like Laurel and Hardy.

George:What are you talking about? I'm not fat.

Jerry:I'm not saying you're fat. I'm saying we're a comedy team.

George:Well, which one am I?

Jerry:You're Hardy.

George:Why do I have to be Hardy?

Jerry:Because I'm taller.

Kramer:They're real, and they're spectacular.

George:Dead doves? Do not want!

Kramer:These doves didn't just die, Jerry. They were murdered.

Kramer:Oh, I know what this is about. This is about the dead doves. You're trying to sabotage Elaine's pageant chances because you're jealous of her success.

Kramer:It all makes sense now. The doves, the timing... it's all connected.

Kramer:Jerry, these doves are just props. The show must go on! I'm doing my whole bit with or without them.

Jerry:Kramer, they're dead. You killed them.

Kramer:So what? I'll use pictures of doves. I'll draw them myself. Nothing is going to stop me from achieving my dream of being in the Miss America Pageant.

Jerry:That was like listening to a cat being strangled in a car horn factory.

Jerry:They're moving like penguins! Look at them waddle around the bases in those tiny uniforms. It's like the Yankees turned into a little penguin colony out there.

Jerry:So what happened with the uniforms?

George:They shrunk! The whole order shrunk in the wash. We've got twenty boxes of tiny Yankees uniforms.

Jerry:That's not good.

Jerry:You ever notice how pageant sashes look like toilet seat covers? They're just draped across you the same way. I mean, these women win Miss Universe and they're basically wearing bathroom accessories.

Jerry:You know what a tuxedo is? It's a rental. You're not buying it, you're renting it. And you know why? Because after you wear it once, it's worthless. It's like a car that depreciates the moment you drive it off the lot. Except with a tuxedo, you're paying to look like every other guy at the party. It's the uniform of formality. You put it on and suddenly you're supposed to be sophisticated. But you're the same idiot in a fancy outfit.

Jerry:That's why they have formal wear. That's the whole thing with formal wear. Nobody looks good in a bathing suit. That's why God invented the tuxedo. So you could go to a wedding and not have to worry about how you look in a bathing suit.

Jerry:Can you imagine if weddings were held at the beach and everybody had to wear a bathing suit? 'I object!' 'Why do you object?' 'Have you seen him in a bathing suit?'

Elaine · Justin Pitt:Excuse me, Mr. Pitt. Would it be all right if I got the socks tomorrow? — Tomorrow? — Yes. — I was hoping for my new socks today. — Well, it's just one more day. — I'm sorry. I must have them today.

Elaine · Jerry:I can't go. — Why not? — Because I have to return the socks and get different ones.

Kramer:If you were Miss America and the U.S. was on the brink of a nuclear war and the only way the conflict could be averted was if you agreed to sleep with the enemy's leader, what would you do?

Kramer:If you stumble, if you hesitate, you can kiss the crown goodbye. Now, if I told you once, I've told you a thousand times, poise counts! Swimsuit, eveningwear, talent, poise!

Jerry · George:Hey. How was the show? — Good. How was roulette? — I won 50 bucks. This is great. Too bad Elaine's not here. — Yeah. All she had to do was buy Mr. Pitt a pair of socks.

Elaine · Justin Pitt:It's good, but ultimately I don't think they'll stay up. — No. No, they'll stay up. — For a while, yes, but not in the long run. — But that's why I got you the tighter ones. — Forget about those! — Why do you keep mentioning those? — What do you want? — I want a decent sock that's comfortable and will stay on my foot!

Jerry · George:What the hell is that? — I don't know. It sounds like pigeons. — Well, I can't sleep with that noise. — Me either. — Is there anything you can do to shut them up?

George:Wait a second. This will scare them off. [George throws water on the doves]

George · Jerry:Good night, Ollie. — Good night, Stan.

Karen:These doves were murdered.

Kramer:You know what I think, Jerry? I think somebody murdered those doves. Somebody who was just eaten up with jealousy. Somebody who couldn't stand to have the spotlight taken off of them.

Kramer · Jerry:What are you looking at? [Jerry looks at the bucket of water on the terrace]

Jerry:Oh, that. We had to leave that outside last night because the water was making the room too cold.

Kramer · Jerry:You killed them. — No. You don't understand. It's not what you think. It was an accident.

Kramer:Don't think that you've won, because you haven't. This kid is a fighter. And if you think I'm gonna let a couple of dead birds get in our way, you're crazy!

Jerry:Oh, it was just Kramer. Apparently I killed Miss Rhode Island's doves with the bucket of water last night.

Unknown spectator · Jerry or George:I heard those doves were really incredible. — That's a shame.

Jerry or George:It's like watching an animal get tortured. [Referring to Karen's singing performance]

Jerry · George · TV Announcer:Hey, hey. Yankee game. — Oh, great. All right. — And the Yankees take the field. What is with the Yankees? They look like they're having trouble running. — They can't move. — It's their uniforms. They've shrunk. They're running like penguins. Forget this game.

TV Announcer or George:Oh, my God, Mattingly just split his pants.

Kramer:Poise. Poise. [Kramer mouthing to Karen from the audience during her disaster of a performance]

Jerry:The Miss America pageant seems like a really tough contest. You come out there in the bathing suit and the dress shoes. They got that sanitized-for-your-protection toilet-seat thing hanging off them, you know?

Jerry:The bathing suit is the contest. You win the bathing suit, you win. Everybody looks good in formalwear. It's dark, it covers everything. That's why we have weddings in it.

Jerry:If we had weddings in bathing suits, a lot of ceremonies wouldn't get past: 'If anyone sees any reason why these two people should not be joined together...' About 80 hands go up.