The Big Salad

Jerry:I buy pens. I go to the store, I buy pens. But I never actually use them. I have thousands of pens. I don't know where they come from. I think maybe when you buy one pen, they reproduce. You buy one pen, you put it in a drawer, you come back a week later, there's a family of pens. And I've never thrown a pen away in my life. I have pens from the 70s. And I don't write. I don't write anything. I haven't written anything since high school. So why do I have all these pens? I mean, I've purchased thousands of pens, and I actually use maybe two. Two pens! Where are the other thousands? Where do they go? It's like they're in another dimension. There's a whole pen dimension where all my missing pens live.

Jerry:You know what I found behind my refrigerator? Pens. Dozens of them. All dried up. How do pens get back there? What pen goes, 'You know what, I'm done writing. I'm gonna go live behind the refrigerator now.'

Jerry:It's amazing the social shame of not having a pen. We whisper it. 'Do you have a pen?' We whisper it like we're asking for a pornographic magazine or something.

Store Clerk:What's your name?

Elaine:Elaine.

Store Clerk:Last name?

Elaine:Just Elaine. Like Cher.

Elaine:So you think he's getting ideas?

Jerry:I think he's definitely getting ideas. I mean, the guy works in a coffee shop all day. He's probably thinking, 'You know, Einstein had ideas. Why can't I have ideas about women?'

Julie:Elaine is my middle name.

Kramer:My middle name is Ike.

Jerry:I can't get lunch, I'm too busy.

Julie:Oh, so what, you're just gonna eat cereal? That's so mature.

George:What's in this salad?

Elaine:It's got lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers...

George:What kind of tomatoes?

Elaine:Big tomatoes.

George:How big?

Elaine:Really big tomatoes.

George:Give me a size.

Elaine:Volleyball-sized tomatoes.

Jerry:You know what? Dating couples should be banned from public. They should have their own separate areas, like smoking sections. 'No, I'm sorry, you two are making out, you're gonna have to step outside.' Because nobody wants to see that. We're all uncomfortable. Even other couples are uncomfortable watching couples. It's like, 'Get a room!' Well, they should!

George:It's not a lie if you believe it.

Jerry:It's not a lie if you believe it?

George:If it seems like the truth to you, then it is the truth.

Jerry:You can't just make up things and believe them. That's called being crazy.

George:In a way, we're all crazy.

George:You can't move your ball closer to the hole just because you feel like it. That's a two-stroke penalty.

Jerry:George is right. That's in the rulebook.

Kramer:Absolutely. You move that ball, you're disqualified.

Jerry:And if you do it twice in the same round, you forfeit your membership.

Kramer:For life! You're banned from golf forever!

George:You know, it's not just about the golf rule. It's about society. It's about order. Without rules, we have chaos.

George:You break one rule, you think it's harmless. But then someone else breaks a rule. Then another person. Pretty soon, nobody's following any rules.

George:People are parking wherever they want, nobody's paying their taxes, society crumbles. And it all started with one guy moving his ball in the rough.

George:His name is pronounced 'Vlade,' V-L-A-D-E. But he spells it differently every time he signs something. One day it's V-L-A-D-E, the next day it's V-L-A-D, then V-L-A-D-Y. I asked him about it and he just shrugs like it's no big deal. 'It's all the same,' he says. No it's not! It's not all the same! You can't just change the spelling of your own name whenever you feel like it!

George:What did you see?

Jerry:I don't know what I saw. I mean, I saw something, but I don't know what it was.

George:I'm not talking about a big salad. I'm talking about THE big salad. I bought her the big salad!

Jerry:So?

George:So? SO?! I spent fourteen dollars on that salad! Fourteen dollars, Jerry!

George:I just want people to know me. I want to be somebody.

Jerry:You are somebody. You're George Costanza.

George:Yeah, but nobody knows who that is.

Jerry:I know who you are.

George:Yeah, but you're my friend. That doesn't count.

Jerry:You know, if I were going to kill someone, it would be my dry cleaner.

George:You know, it's not a big deal. I mean, the salad... it's just a salad. Everybody gets salad. It's not like I'm expecting a medal or anything.

George:I just thought, you know, if they wanted to put my name there, fine. But if they don't, that's fine too. Completely fine.

George:Although, I did bring the salad. I did make the salad. That's a fact. Not that it matters.

George:I'm telling you, this is a matter of principle. The salad was promised. A verbal contract was established at the time of ordering. When I placed my order, there was an implicit understanding that the salad would arrive in a timely manner, prepared to standard specifications.

Newman:Well, I should be going.

Newman:It's been a real slice.

Jerry:Why?

Jerry:You're not dating Newman.

Margaret:Yes, I am.

Jerry:Newman's been dumped so many times, it's not a question of if he'll get dumped again, it's when. The real mystery is: who would dump Newman? That's the miracle.

Kramer:You know, Newman has hidden depths.

Jerry:No, he doesn't.

Jerry:We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and hunger. Hunger is pretty bad too.

Julie:You know, George bought me a salad.

George:A big salad?

Julie:Yes, a big salad.

George:Did he tell you he bought it for you?

Julie:Well, no, but—

George:Because I bought that salad. I got all the ingredients, I brought them to Monk's, I assembled it. He just handed it to you!

Newman:I stopped seeing Margaret.

Jerry:Why?

Newman:I need a really pretty face.

George:I killed him. I killed little Pinkus.

George:He was only this big. He never hurt anybody.

George:Why did I have to move the marble rye? Why?

Jerry:You know, I don't understand why playing with dolls is considered just a girl thing. I mean, it's just a small person. Why can't a boy play with a small person?

George:So let me get this straight. I buy you a big salad, and I don't get any credit?

Julie:That's right.

George:Even though I paid for the whole thing?

Julie:Yes.

George:I'm petty.

Julie:Very.

George:You know, I spent a lot of time on that salad. A lot of time. I chopped the vegetables, I mixed the dressing, I tossed it. And now you're not going to give me credit for it?

Julie:You made a salad.

Store Clerk:So I went to the warehouse, and this foreman, he's yelling at me, and I just lost it. I grabbed him by the collar and I said, 'You can't talk to me like that!' We fought for like twenty minutes.

Elaine:Wow, that's incredible.

Store Clerk:Yeah. So anyway, would you like to go out with me sometime?

Elaine:Sure!

Jerry:Margaret, I've been wanting to tell you something. You mean so much to me.

Newman:Oh please. Last week you said the same thing to that woman at the coffee shop.

Jerry:Newman, what are you doing here?

Newman:I live here, remember? And I remember everything you do.

Margaret:Who is this?

Newman:Newman. I'm his neighbor. And let me tell you, if you're looking for romance, you picked the wrong guy.

Elaine:You know what the worst part is? It wasn't even a regular salad, George. It was a BIG salad. A BIG salad! And you took all the credit like you personally grew the lettuce yourself.

George:It was a nice salad!

Elaine:A nice salad?! The size made it worse! Do you understand that? The bigger the salad, the bigger the lie when you don't give credit!

Kramer:You gotta help me hide this guy!

Jerry:What? No! Are you crazy?

Kramer:He's innocent, Jerry! They're after him!

Gendason:Please, I just need somewhere to lay low for a few hours.

Jerry:This is insane. I'm not harboring a fugitive.

Kramer:Come on, pal. What's the worst that could happen?

Gendason:Actually, while we wait... do you have any fish? I'd really like to see some fish.

Jerry:Fish? We're in the middle of a manhunt and you want to see fish?

Gendason:It calms me down.

911 Operator:What is your name?

Kramer:Kramer.

911 Operator:Kramer what?

Kramer:Just Kramer. Kramer! You know, like Cher, or Madonna.

Jerry:You know, if someone really wronged you, murder seems like the obvious choice for revenge. But think about it - murder is just one event. It's over in a second. Whereas psychological torture, that's something you can really savor. That's a long-term investment in someone's misery. You get to watch them suffer every single day, knowing exactly why. That's real revenge.

Jerry:You know what the best revenge is? It's not killing somebody. It's annoying them. Just constantly annoying them. They're begging you to kill them. 'Please, just kill me!' No, I'm gonna keep annoying you instead.

Jerry:They throw you on the ground, they beat you with nightsticks, they kick you in the ribs... and then they say, 'Watch your head!' Watch your head? You just destroyed my entire body, now you're worried about my head?

Newman:Newman to Jerry about Margaret: 'I need a really pretty face. But, hey, that's me.'

Newman · Jerry:Newman: 'Care for some lemonade?' Jerry: 'No, thank you.' Newman: 'Drop by anytime, Jerry.'

Kramer:Kramer recites the golf rulebook to Jerry with complete gravity: 'If a player cleans his ball during play of a hole, except on the putting green, he shall incur a penalty of one stroke.'

Kramer:Kramer on his strict upbringing: 'When I was growing up, I had to be in bed every night by 9:00. And if I wasn't... Well, I don't have to tell you what happened.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'Poor Pinkus. Poor little Pinkus.'

Kramer:Kramer, completely out of nowhere: 'I think I could have played with dolls if there were dolls in the house. It seems like fun to me. It doesn't seem like a gender thing. I think I would like to play with dolls. What's so terrible?'

George:George: 'Well, it was a big salad.'

George:George: 'All I did was hand someone a bag.' — George using Julie's own earlier logic against her

Julie · George:Julie vs. George argument: 'What I would like to know is how does a person who has virtually nothing to do with the big salad claim responsibility for that salad and accept a thank-you under false pretenses?'

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine agrees to go on a date with the stationery store guy out of guilt for the pencil situation. 'I felt so guilty about the pencil I couldn't say no.'

Jerry · Margaret:Jerry stares at Margaret's face — she notices: 'What are you looking at?' Jerry: 'What? I'm not looking. Nothing.' She: 'Why are you looking at my face?' Jerry: 'Where am I gonna look?' She: 'Kiss me.'

Jerry · Margaret:Jerry tries to kiss Margaret but can't — 'I can't.' Then: 'Newman. Newman ruined it. All I could think of...when I was looking at her face was, Newman found this unacceptable.'

George:George enters Jerry's apartment: 'Well, well, well. I'm not treating you to lunch anymore!'

George:George: 'You know, if it was a regular salad, I wouldn't have said anything. But you had to have the big salad!'

George:George's final salad outburst: 'You know, if it was a regular salad, I wouldn't have said anything. But you had to have the big salad!'

Jerry · Kramer:TV news report: 'He escaped, and the police spotted him on the New Jersey Turnpike. As you can see, he's in a white Ford Bronco.'

TV Announcer · Jerry:'His name is Kramer, and he's reportedly one of Gendason's golfing buddies.'

Kramer:Kramer on the 911 call: 'Yeah, this is Kramer. I got Gendason in the car. Now, he wants to see his fish. I'm taking him to see his fish, so tell the police to back off.'

Kramer:Kramer on 911: 'He wants to see his fish. I'm taking him to see his fish, so tell the police to back off.'

Kramer · 911 Operator:911 operator: 'Okay, sir. And what's your name?' Kramer: 'My name is Kramer. You know who I am, damn it!'

Kramer:Kramer to 911: 'My name is Kramer. You know who I am, damn it!'

Kramer · Gendason:Kramer: 'I told you not to take the turnpike.' Gendason: 'I thought we would blend in.' Kramer: 'If you took the Palisades, this wouldn't happen.' Gendason: 'Then we would've had bridge traffic.'

Jerry:Stand-up: 'To me, murder doesn't even really seem like that great of a revenge. Wouldn't years of subtle psychological mind games be a lot more satisfying?'

Jerry:Stand-up: 'Constantly calling them and hanging up when they pick up the phone. Sending pizzas and taxis to their house all night long. After a while they go, I wish this guy would kill me. I can't take it anymore!'

Jerry:Stand-up: Police brutalize criminals but then carefully protect their head going into the patrol car — 'Watch your head. Don't hit that metal edge there. That really hurts.'