The Pledge Drive

Jerry:Greeting cards are just like prostitutes. You're paying a stranger to do emotional work for you. You can't think of what to say, so you go to the store, you buy a card that some guy wrote, and now you're handing it to someone like you wrote it yourself. You're committing emotional fraud!

Jerry:It's like a Hallmark hooker - a brand name prostitute.

Jerry:You know what we need? One universal greeting card. That's it. One card for every occasion.

Jerry:Front of the card says 'Congratulations on your new baby.' Inside it says 'Sorry to hear about your funeral.'

Jerry:Bottom of the card, it just says 'Regards, A Concerned Party.'

Jerry:Well, if I was making it up, I'd pick someone better!

Elaine:You know, Dan. He's got that really high voice.

Jerry:Oh, high voice Dan!

Jerry:I'm doing volunteer work for PBS.

Kramer:PBS? What's the commission?

Jerry:There is no commission, Kramer. It's volunteer work.

Kramer:No commission? Then what's in it for you?

Kramer:So what's your commission?

Jerry:Commission? There is no commission. It's public television.

Kramer:No commission? Then how do you make any money?

Jerry:Well, you don't make money. You're doing it for the public good.

Kramer:For the public good? That's like door-to-door sales without the commission.

Jerry:Exactly. It's the worst job in the world.

Elaine:So wait, you've been flirting with Jerry this whole time?

Noreen:What? No, I wasn't flirting with Jerry.

Elaine:Yes you were! I saw you!

Noreen:I've been talking to the boyfriend the whole time.

Elaine:Is Noreen crying?

Dan:No, I'm crying.

Kristin:Where's my thank-you card?

Jerry:What thank-you card?

Kristin:The one you were supposed to send me.

Jerry:Oh, that one. Yeah, about that...

Kristin:Don't tell me you didn't send it.

Jerry:I didn't send it.

Kristin:Where is it?

Jerry:It's... it's in the trash can.

Kristin:In the trash can?!

Kristin:You threw away my card?

Jerry:I threw it away.

Kristin:But I made that card for you! I spent hours on it!

Jerry:You signed your name and wrote an address on the envelope.

Jerry:I'm very sentimental. I save all my cards from my grandmother.

Jerry:Look at this one from 1987. Beautiful handwriting. So thoughtful.

Jerry:You know what I really love about these cards? The money inside.

Kramer:You haven't cashed them? That's an insult! That's a terrible insult!

Kramer:Your grandmother, she's sitting in Florida, she thinks you don't care enough to cash her checks.

Kramer:You know what that says to her? It says you don't need her money.

Jerry · George:'I could see if I had a mantel. Well, a mantel's a whole different story. Absolutely. If my parents had a mantel, I might be a completely different person.'

Jerry:I don't save cards. I mean, what am I gonna do, put them on a mantel? If I had a mantel, I'd be a different person. I'd be the kind of guy who saves cards and puts them on a mantel.

Jerry:You want a Yankee? Just go up to the guy and ask him.

George:Oh, it's that easy?

Jerry:Yeah.

George:I'll just go up to him and ask him?

Jerry:Yeah, just ask him.

George:What do I say?

Jerry:You say, 'Steinbrenner would like you to appear on PBS.'

George:I can't say that, I'm not Steinbrenner.

Jerry:Well, you're gonna have to lie.

George:I can't lie.

Jerry:George, you lie to me all the time.

George:I do not.

Jerry:You told me you were working late at the office last Tuesday night and you were at the Improv.

George:That's different. That's just to my boss and my girlfriend.

Jerry:So you'll lie to everybody.

Jerry:She was looking for her brother's political cartoon book.

Elaine:I was at this guy's apartment, and he's eating candy with a fork and knife. A fork and knife! Like it's a steak or something.

Elaine:Who eats candy with utensils? That's insane!

George:These people, they have their ways. They know about things. Utensils, the right fork, which one to use. They're very particular about these things.

George:What is this charge here?

Waitress:That's the bread basket charge.

George:Bread basket charge? Nobody told me there was a charge for the bread basket.

Waitress:It's right here on the menu.

George:Well, I didn't see it.

Waitress:You see it now.

George:You see that? Did you see that? She pointed at me. What was that? That point... that wasn't a normal point. That was a dismissive point. She's saying 'you're done, get out of here.'

George:I've studied waitress behavior for years. The point is their way of saying they control the table. It's like a territorial thing. They point, you leave. It's that simple.

George:I'm telling you, they all do it. It's a conspiracy. The Waitress Union or something. They teach it in waitress school: 'When you want a customer gone, you point.'

George:You know, the thing about working at PBS is that you're exposed to all these different strata of society. The intellectuals, the donors, the underwriters... it's a very complex ecosystem.

George:What are you doing? You're eating with your hands like some kind of animal!

George:This is a civilized establishment. We use utensils here.

George:What do you want from me? You said you wanted Danny Tartabull. I got you Danny Tartabull.

George:You know, I'm thinking we need to get script approval on this thing. I mean, Danny's a big star, we can't just have him say anything.

George:I'm gonna need to see the material before he does it. I'm management now.

George:Did you see that? She scratched her nose. She scratched her nose right in front of me. That's a signal. That's definitely a signal.

Jerry:George, she was scratching her nose.

George:No, no, no. You don't just scratch your nose like that. There's a technique to it. It's deliberate. The angle, the velocity of the hand — she was sending me a message.

Elaine:What message could she possibly be sending?

George:That she doesn't like me! It's hostile nose-scratching. I've studied this. I have a theory on waitress gestures.

Man on street:Chemical Bank? Yeah, it burned down.

Kramer:You think the loan sharks are after your grandmother over ten dollar checks?

Jerry:Well, what else could it be?

Kramer:I'm telling you, these guys don't mess around. Ten bucks here, ten bucks there — before you know it, you owe 'em fifty grand.

Elaine:No, no, no. She's not loud. She has a high voice. There's a difference between loud and high-pitched.

Noreen:What's the difference?

Elaine:Well, loud is... loud. High is... up here. She talks like this.

Elaine:He has a very high voice.

Elaine:He sounds like Noreen.

Elaine:His voice is so annoying.

Noreen:Yeah, well, I'm stuck with him.

George:I'm telling you, I've seen people eat cookies with a fork and knife. It's a thing. Very refined.

Jerry:George, no one eats cookies with utensils.

George:You haven't been to the right places. I was at this coffee shop, very upscale, and this woman — elegant, sophisticated — she had a cookie, and out came the silverware.

Elaine:That's insane.

George:It's not insane, it's civilized. You get crumbs all over your hands, your face. With utensils, you maintain dignity.

George:I'm telling you, it's everywhere! That guy at the coffee shop, he did it. The woman on the bus, she did it. Even the mailman!

Jerry:George, you're seeing things.

George:I'm not seeing things! They're all doing it! It's a conspiracy!

Elaine:Oh my God, is that you, Dan?

Elaine:I can't believe it's you! How have you been?

Elaine:Oh, you know what? Drop dead!

Jerry's Grandmother:What did you say to me?

Elaine:Oh my God, I'm so sorry! I thought you were someone else!

Jerry:You told my grandmother to drop dead?

Elaine:I may have said that.

George:You know what? I'm tired of people disrespecting me. From now on, whenever someone slights me, I'm going to do this.

George:I'm going to point at them and say, 'That's right, I'm a Yankees fan. You got a problem with that?'

George:Works every time. People see that Yankees pride, they back right down.

Kramer:Yeah, I've been volunteering here at PBS for six months. Where are my tote bags?

Leo:Take the money!

Jerry:Dad, I don't want it. I have money.

Leo:You can never have too much money!

Jerry:People are looking at us.

Leo:Let them look! Take it!

Jerry:No! Put it away!

Leo:I'm not putting it away until you take it!

Jerry:This is so embarrassing.

Leo:What's embarrassing? I'm trying to give my son money!

Dan:I can't stop thinking about Jerry. He's all I think about. I replay our conversations over and over in my head.

Kramer:You're in love with him.

Dan:What? No! I'm not in love with him!

Kramer:You're in love with Jerry.

Kramer:You know, it's okay. I'm very supportive of that lifestyle. I watch PBS.

George:You almost hit me with your car!

Man:I don't know what you're talking about.

George:Outside of Manhattan about an hour ago!

Man:That could be anybody.

Kramer:Your grandmother just pledged fifteen hundred dollars!

Jerry:What?! She doesn't have fifteen hundred dollars!

Jerry:She's gonna have to sell her furniture!

Jerry:Look at this card Elaine gave me.

Elaine:What is that bunny doing?

Jerry:I think it's giving the middle finger.

Elaine:A greeting card bunny is flipping you off?

Jerry:I'm telling you, people are getting lazy with their utensils. I saw a guy eating cereal with a fork the other day.

Jerry:A fork! For cereal! What's next, eating soup with a spatula? Cutting steak with a spoon?

Jerry:Pretty soon we're all just gonna show up to dinner with a rake and call it fine dining.

Jerry:What is going on? Everybody's got utensils now. It's like the whole city decided to start eating like human beings!

Danny Tartabull · Jerry:Danny Tartabull has approved the PBS script — 'I perused the script and it's met with my approval.'

Elaine:Elaine answers Jerry's phone and tells Dan to 'drop dead' — not knowing it might be Nana

Kramer · Jerry:'What does Nana sound like?' [Beat.] 'Like a grandmother. Why?' [Beat.] 'Oh, you hung up on my nana.'

Jerry:'You told Nana to drop dead.'

George:No one gives us the finger. We're Yankees.

George:'No one gives us the finger. We're Yankees.'

George:'I'm not leaving without tote bags. I was promised tote bags, and tote bags I shall have.'

Uncle Leo · Jerry:Uncle Leo produces cash for Jerry at PBS and whispers, 'If anybody asks you where you got it, you don't know.'

Jerry · Uncle Leo:Jerry and Uncle Leo have a protracted, awkward struggle as Jerry refuses the money and Leo insists — 'Take the money!' 'I don't want it!'

Dan · Kramer:Dan appears at the PBS studio door claiming he's 'in love' with Jerry — Kramer assumes he's a gay man

Kramer:Kramer: 'We here at PBS have many programs celebrating your lifestyle. Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City... Before Stonewall...'

George · Finger Man:George confronts the finger-giver at PBS: 'I believe you cut me off and then made an obscene gesture.' The man: 'I did? Where?'

Finger Man · Danny Tartabull:The finger man refuses to shake Danny Tartabull's hand because of a previous incident. 'I'd like to shake his hand, but I can't.'

Kramer:Kramer answers the PBS phone, tells Nana 'forget about Jerry — it's not gonna happen' — then pivots to soliciting her for a pledge

Jerry:'She can't do that. She's on a very fixed income.' / 'Stop the show!'

Jerry · George:Kristin sends Jerry a follow-up card — 'not quite as chipper as the first one' — with a bunny 'giving him the finger'

Jerry · George · Elaine:The entire diner has adopted knife-and-fork candy bar eating — 'They're all doing it.'

George · Jerry:'Here's your knife and fork.' / 'Look, she's cutting up an Almond Joy. I just don't get it.'

Jerry:'I saw someone on the street eating M&M's with a spoon. What is wrong with everybody?'

George:'What is wrong with all you people? Have you all gone mad?'