The Chinese Woman

Jerry:They must have seen forks by now but choose to stick with chopsticks

Jerry:A Chinese farmer uses chopsticks to eat, but a shovel to farm. So he's figured out that for moving large quantities of heavy material, you need an efficient tool. But for getting a single piece of food to your mouth? 'Pool cues.' That's the move.

Jerry:I can manage bags. I'm good with bags.

Jerry:I got it, I got it... this one's heavy... when did they make luggage so heavy?

Jerry:You know what they should do? They should put wheels on these things. Wheels would really help.

Elaine:Just hang up on him.

Jerry:I saw your father today.

George:Where?

Jerry:On the street. It was weird.

George:Weird how?

Jerry:It's like seeing your teacher at the supermarket. They don't belong there. It's wrong.

Jerry:Why is he wearing a cape?

Elaine:I don't know, it's 1995.

Jerry:Exactly. Nobody wears a cape anymore. You're not a superhero, you're not a magician. What are you, Dracula?

Jerry:A cape? You can't wear a cape. You look like you're gonna fly away.

Elaine:What about when it's windy?

Jerry:Especially when it's windy! That's the worst time.

Elaine:What if you're walking and it's a little breezy?

Jerry:Then you're in trouble. The cape starts flapping, people think you're a superhero.

Elaine:What about indoors?

Jerry:Indoors? A cape indoors? That's ridiculous.

Elaine:I can't believe I have to sneak around my own apartment like this.

Elaine:It's like planning a covert military operation just to avoid Frank and that cape guy.

George:Hi, it's me. I'm calling because I'm calling. I don't have anything to say, I just felt like calling you. So... I'm calling. Okay, well, I'll talk to you later.

Jerry:I'm not a racist. I just have a preference.

Elaine:That's the definition of racism.

Jerry:No, no, no. Racism is when you hate someone because of their race. I don't hate anyone. I just happen to find Chinese women attractive.

Elaine:So you're only attracted to one race?

Jerry:I'm attracted to all races. I'm just saying if I had to pick one...

Elaine:That's racist, Jerry.

Kramer:Oh yeah, they're very exotic.

Kramer:They're my boys. They need a house.

Jerry:I'm dating Donna Chang. You know, the woman I met at that party?

George:Donna Chang? What is she, Asian?

Jerry:Yes, she's Chinese.

George:So you're entering the Pacific Rim?

Kramer:I've never gotten anyone pregnant.

Jerry:What? How is that possible?

Kramer:I don't know, I just haven't.

Jerry:Well, you've been with women.

Kramer:Oh yeah, plenty.

Jerry:So what, you're like some kind of... hockey player? You never score?

Kramer:I score. I just don't get 'em in the net.

Jerry:You've never gotten anyone pregnant?

Kramer:No! No, I have not.

Jerry:How is that possible?

Kramer:I don't know, Jerry. I've been very lucky.

Kramer:My sperm count is low. I'm an endangered species.

Jerry:You're not an endangered species, Kramer.

Kramer:Well, the Kramers are. If I don't reproduce, that's it. No more Kramers.

Jerry:So what's the problem with going to the clinic tomorrow?

Kramer:Tomorrow? I can't do tomorrow. I got things.

Jerry:Things? What things? What could possibly be more important than this?

Kramer:I got a whole schedule, Jerry. I can't just drop everything.

Jerry:Oh sure, because you're so busy. What, you got a lunch at Monk's? A meeting with your tailor?

Jerry:You know what I don't understand? Chinese people don't eat Chinese food.

Elaine:What are you talking about?

Jerry:I went to a Chinese restaurant. There was a Chinese family eating there. They were eating with forks.

Elaine:So?

Jerry:So? If Chinese people don't eat Chinese food, how do they know how to cook it?

Jerry:You know, it's like hockey. Paul's always answering the phone before Noreen gets a chance.

Jerry:He's like a goalie - he just camps out by the net and swats everything away.

George:Wait, so Frank wasn't wearing the cape?

Jerry:No, the guy with him was wearing the cape.

George:Oh! That makes much more sense.

George:Wait, so you're telling me a cape makes you a superhero? What if I wore a cape? Would I suddenly have powers? Would I be able to fly?

George:Because I gotta tell you, I've worn a lot of things in my life, and none of them gave me superpowers.

George:So what is it? Is it the cape, or is it the attitude? Because I can do attitude.

Doctor:So, do you have any plans to start a family?

Kramer:Well, I can feel it. My sperm count is very low.

Doctor:You can feel it?

Kramer:Yeah, I can feel it.

Kramer:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!

Jerry:Kramer, you just found out you have a low sperm count.

Kramer:So what? I'm not gonna procreate!

Doctor:I'm prescribing you boxer shorts.

Kramer:Boxer shorts? But I'm a Jockey man.

Doctor:Well, you need to switch. It's medically necessary.

Kramer:I can't do it, doc. I've been wearing Jockeys since I was a kid. They're like an old friend.

Elaine:I don't have time to talk right now.

Peterman:Oh, just for a second. I wanted to tell you about my weekend.

Elaine:I really can't—

Peterman:I went to this little place in the Hamptons, and the most extraordinary thing happened. I was having lunch, and I noticed the waiter had a very peculiar way of holding the coffee pot...

Elaine:Uh-huh.

Peterman:And it got me thinking about my days in the Peace Corps in Morocco...

Elaine:Okay, I really have to go. My apartment is on fire.

Elaine:No, I'm not kidding. There are flames. Actual flames.

Elaine:Wait, hold on. There's a bear in my apartment. A bear!

Elaine:The bear is on fire. It's a flaming bear.

Elaine:I have to go. I'm being abducted. By aliens. Right now.

Jerry:You know, they say that secondhand smoke is bad for you. But I figure, if I'm in a restaurant and someone's smoking, I'm only getting like a tenth of what they're getting, right? So it's like, one-tenth the cancer. I can live with those odds. I'm willing to lose a tenth of a lung.

Jerry:I have no interest in meeting a Chinese woman. I have no desire to go out with a Chinese woman. I think Chinese women are overrated.

Donna:So you don't want to meet my friend Chen?

Jerry:No, no, absolutely not. I wouldn't be interested.

Donna:I changed my name to Changstein.

Jerry:Changstein? That's a weird name.

Donna:It's a combination of my maiden name Chang and my ex-husband's name Stein.

Jerry:So you just... smashed them together?

Donna:Yes.

Jerry:That's not a name, that's a law firm.

Jerry:She's not really a Donna.

Elaine:Oh.

Jerry:She's false advertising! That's what it is. She comes to the door, I see one thing. I'm expecting one thing. Then we go out, and it's completely different! It's like bait and switch!

Jerry:You know what I think? I think all these hang-ups go back to relationship problems. Like, a guy hangs up on his girlfriend, suddenly he's the bad guy.

Elaine:Well, what if she hangs up on him?

Jerry:Then he thinks she's with somebody else.

Kramer:Here, take these. I got new ones.

Jerry:I'm not taking your underwear, Kramer.

Kramer:Why not? They're barely worn.

Jerry:That's not really the issue here.

Kramer:I can't help it. I see a fresh pair of Jockey shorts and I just... I have to have them. It's like a compulsion.

Kramer:I've tried to quit, but I can't. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I think about is Jockey shorts.

Kramer:It's ruining my life. My apartment is full of them. I spend all my money on them.

Kramer:These boxer shorts are a nightmare! The fabric bunches up, there's no support whatsoever, and every time I move, they shift around like I'm wearing a parachute. The waistband keeps rolling down, I'm constantly adjusting them, and don't even get me started on the leg openings—they're too wide, too narrow, they're just all wrong. I feel like I'm walking around in a tent with no structure, no comfort, nothing! Briefs, Jerry, briefs are the way to go.

Kramer:These boxer shorts are killing me!

Kramer:I'm going back to briefs.

Jerry:You know what? I'm just going to stop wearing underwear.

Kramer:What?

Jerry:Yeah, problem solved. No underwear, no mix-ups, no issues.

Kramer:That's insane!

Jerry:Is it? Is it really?

George:You know, I was thinking about Manhattan the other day. It's really a beautiful place.

Frank:Beautiful? Are you out of your mind? It's filthy! It's got rats, it's got cockroaches, it's got gnats!

Frank:What do you mean 'spotted'? I'm not spotted!

George:Dad, you have a big stain on your shirt.

Frank:A stain?! How did this happen? Estelle! Estelle, you ruined my shirt!

Frank:Wait a minute... this happened at Monk's, didn't it? Jerry! Elaine! You two did this!

Frank Costanza:You know, Jerry, I've been thinking about something. The way I treat you and Elaine - it's not supercilious, it's just that you're my son.

Jerry Seinfeld:Supercilious? Dad, you can barely say 'worcestershire sauce'.

Frank Costanza:Don't you get smart with me! I know supercilious. It means... superior. And I AM superior to Elaine because she's not my blood!

Elaine Benes:Oh, that's great, Frank. Really makes me feel welcome.

Frank Costanza:It's nothing personal, Elaine. It's just biology. And superiority.

Jerry:I was at this restaurant, and I ordered a crostini.

George:A crostini? You mean a crostata?

Jerry:No, no, crostini. That's what I said.

George:That's not a word, Jerry.

Jerry:Of course it's a word. I just said it.

Donna:I've been studying with this acting coach, and he's been teaching me about the nuances of the character.

George:What nuances? You're reading lines.

Donna:Limes. He says I have to really feel the limes.

George:Limes? What are you talking about? It's lines. L-I-N-E-S. Lines.

Donna:That's what I said. Limes.

George:No, you're doing a weird thing with your voice. You're putting on some kind of accent.

Jerry · George:You can't cast dispersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. / Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say something bad about him. / All right, Superman's the exception.

Jerry:You know, I have a theory about George. If his parents had gotten divorced earlier, he'd be a much better person today.

George:What?

Jerry:Think about it. All that tension, all that dysfunction in the house. If they'd split when you were younger, you could've adjusted, moved on, become well-adjusted.

George:So you're saying my parents should've divorced sooner?

Jerry:I'm saying it wouldn't have hurt.

Jerry:It's like a custody situation. You're split between two parents, two homes, two sets of rules. I'm like the kid in the middle of a divorce.

Elaine:So what are you saying?

Jerry:I'm saying it's a whole thing. You've got to keep track of where you're supposed to be, what you can and can't do at each place. It's exhausting. I feel like I need a visitation schedule.

George:Look, I'm not saying capes are bad. I'm just saying every person I've ever known who wore a cape had problems. Real problems.

George:My father wore a cape once. One time. You know what happened? He tripped on the stairs. Broke his collarbone.

George:My mother, she saw him in that cape, she said, 'Frank, you look ridiculous.' He said, 'I feel powerful.' Two weeks later, she's got shingles.

George:It's not a coincidence. There's something about a cape that just brings out the worst in people. The cape is the problem.

Jerry:You can't just dismiss an entire group of people! Capes are a legitimate fashion choice. Superman wears a cape and he's saved the world countless times. The man is an alien with the power of flight and super strength—you think he needs a cape for functionality? No. He wears it because it looks good. It makes a statement. It says 'I'm here to help, and I'm doing it in style.'

Jerry:Wait, you're telling me you're not wearing any underwear?

Kramer:It's more comfortable this way.

Elaine:Kramer, those are dress pants!

Kramer:So?

Jerry:So? SO? You're going commando in dress pants. Do you have any idea what happens when you sit down?

Kramer:What?

Jerry:Everything shows!

Kramer:Jerry, I'm telling you, it's the most liberating thing I've ever done. No underwear, no restrictions, just pure freedom.

Jerry:Kramer, that's... that's unsanitary.

Kramer:Unsanitary? It's the opposite of unsanitary! Everything just... breathes!

Kramer:I was like a bird in a cage, but the cage was on fire. And the bird... was on fire too. We were all on fire.

Noreen:He just kept calling and hanging up. No message, nothing. Just hanging up over and over again.

Noreen:It's gotta be some kind of psycho. I mean, what kind of person does that?

Elaine:No, no, no. You don't understand. Sometimes you have to hang up on people. It's not rude, it's necessary. Like, what if they're boring? What if they keep talking about their medical procedures? What if they won't stop telling you about their dreams? You have to have an exit strategy.

Elaine:And another thing - what if you're on the other line and someone more important calls? You can't just say 'hold on,' because then they know they're not important. So you have to hang up. It's actually more honest.

Elaine:Plus, sometimes the connection is bad and they think YOU hung up on THEM, which is perfect because then neither of you has to take responsibility. It's win-win.

Jerry:You know, every time something goes wrong in my life, you're there. You interfere, you meddle, you can't help yourself.

Elaine:That's not true! I barely know what's going on in your life.

Jerry:Elaine, you orchestrated my entire relationship with Rachel.

Elaine:That was different. I sounded just like her on the phone.

Jerry:You sounded nothing like her.

Elaine:Well, we both have voices.

Jerry:So Elaine has this power over Noreen. It's like she's a puppet master, but Elaine doesn't even realize she's holding the strings. Noreen just does whatever Elaine wants.

Jerry:You told me to break up with Laura because she had a weird laugh.

Elaine:She did have a weird laugh!

Jerry:You told me to dump Sandra because she didn't like my shirt.

Elaine:It was an ugly shirt.

Jerry:You told me to leave Michelle because she ordered the tuna sandwich.

Elaine:I don't like tuna!

Jerry:So the divorce is back on?

Donna:Yeah, we're going through with it.

Jerry:What happened? I thought you guys were working it out.

Donna:We were, until one conversation with a fake Chinese woman changed everything.

Frank:What's wrong with wearing a cape? It's practical, it's stylish, it makes a statement!

George:It makes a statement that you're insane.

Frank:No, no, no. My lawyer wears a cape and he's one of the most respected men in his field.

George:Wait a minute. Donna's a woman's name.

Jerry:So?

George:So? My mother's name is Estelle. My father's name is Frank. I'm named after my father. What am I supposed to do, name my son... Donna?

Jerry:You could.

George:A Jewish boy named Donna? That's not a name, that's a diagnosis.

Frank:So you're the woman who's been seeing my son.

Donna:Yes, it's nice to meet you.

Frank:You got a nice figure.

Kramer:Hello? Oh, hi Noreen. No, Elaine's not here right now. She's out. Yeah, well, you know, I think you're being a little too hard on her. I mean, she's got a lot on her plate. You gotta give her some space. Yeah, well, that's my advice.

Kramer:Okay, Noreen, I've made a decision. I'm reversing all of Elaine's previous advice.

Elaine:What? Why would you do that?

Kramer:Because it's all been wrong. Dead wrong. So from now on, whatever Elaine told you to do, you do the opposite.

Elaine:That's insane!

Kramer:Is it? Or is it genius?

Estelle:Wait, you're not Italian?

Donna:No, I'm actually Greek.

Frank:Greek?! That means everything I told you is no good!

George:Dad, you can't judge someone just based on where they're from.

Frank:Oh yeah? Well, I'm not interested. They're from Connecticut.

Jerry:You know what I think? I think the Chinese are very smart. The reason the Chinese are so calm, so peaceful, is because they know something. They have this very yin-yang thing going on. You ever notice that Chinese food is always served on very small portions on a huge plate?

Elaine:So?

Jerry:So it makes you think there's more. But there isn't. It's a beautiful thing. The philosophy of it. The Zen. And look at their fortune cookies! A cookie that tells your future! So important, they put it in a cookie. It could crumble, it could break, you could eat it before you read it!

Jerry:With us, we put our most important information in a cookie? Jewish people would never do that. We would put it in a card. A nice card, very heavy stock. Maybe laminated.

George:I had lunch with my mother today. Just the two of us. It was like a date. A very uncomfortable date with my mother.

George:Then I went to my father's apartment and we played Parcheesi for three hours. Three hours of Parcheesi with my father.

George:I'm thirty-five years old and I'm playing board games with my divorced parents on alternating days. This is my life now.

Kramer:I'm gonna be a father!

Jerry:Kramer, you don't even know if—

Kramer:Jerry, I'm telling you, it's happening. I can feel it. This is my time.

Jerry:So who are you? Why do you wear that cape?

Lawyer:I'm a lawyer. I wear it to court.

Jerry:To court? You wear a cape to court?

Lawyer:It's intimidating. Makes me look more powerful.

Jerry:You look like you're going to fight crime.

Lawyer:I am fighting crime. I'm a criminal defense attorney.

Frank Costanza · Jerry:Jerry, how come you didn't say hello to me the other day? / Elaine was in a rush. / I knew it was Elaine.

Jerry · Frank Costanza:Elaine was in a rush. I knew it was Elaine.

Estelle Costanza · Donna Chang:You must be Estelle. / Yes. Who are you? / I'm Donna Chang. / You're not Chinese.

Estelle Costanza · Donna Chang:You must be Estelle. Yes. Who are you? I'm Donna Chang. You're not Chinese.

Elaine · Kramer:Paul? / Elaine. / Kramer? / Yeah! / What are you doing there? / Well, isn't it obvious?

Kramer · Elaine:What, am I too boring for you? / Would you just put her on? / I feel it would be best that you didn't talk to Noreen for a while. / You feel? / That's right. She and I have had a very long talk. And I was appalled to learn of the destructive influence you've had over her life lo these many years.

Elaine · Kramer:And what are you gonna tell her? / Well, I've encouraged her to go back into the army. / [pause] / There she'll get the structure and discipline she needs right now. And she'll have qualified officers telling her what to do.

Frank Costanza:I'm not taking advice from some girl from Long Island.

George · Frank Costanza · Estelle Costanza:So what? She still gave you advice. What's the difference? / I'm not taking advice from some girl from Long Island. / Now you're getting a divorce because she's from Long Island? / You want a divorce? You got one!

Elaine · Frank Costanza:Now you're getting a divorce because she's from Long Island? You want a divorce? You got one!

Jerry:You know, you might wanna think about changing your name.

Elaine · Jerry:Ever since she started dating Kramer, she won't even talk to me. / Well, Noreen listened to you like George's mother listened to the Chinese. / Everybody listens to the Chinese. Look at the fortune cookie.

Jerry:You couldn't get away with that at other restaurants. Yeah, no one's reading any rolled-up messages in a knish.

George:Well, it had to happen. I knew it. I predicted it. / Saw both of them today. What a disaster. / I'm running all over Queens. First, I saw my mother. We had lunch together. I never had lunch with my mother before. It's like a date.

George:We played Clue. / All day with this!

Kramer:Hey, Jerry! Guess what? The Kramer name might live on! Noreen's late! She's late!

Unknown · Cape Lawyer:Who are you? / I'm Frank Costanza's lawyer.