The Couch

Jerry:A love seat. What is that? It's a couch for people who don't love each other that much. It's like a timeout couch. It's like, 'Hey, we need some space, but not that much space.'

Jerry:It's the furniture equivalent of 'I need to see other people, but I still want to sit next to you while we figure this out.'

Jerry:Why is it called a La-Z-Boy? That's false advertising. It should be called the 'Alcoholic-Loser-Who-Gave-Up-On-Life Chair.' That's what it should be called. 'Hey honey, I'm gonna go sit in the Alcoholic-Loser-Who-Gave-Up-On-Life Chair and watch some TV and drink some beer.' That's honest advertising.

Jerry:When a La-Z-Boy goes back that far, you've basically admitted defeat. You're not sitting anymore — you're lying down and refusing to acknowledge it.

George:I'm joining a book club. I'm going to be the smartest guy in there.

Jerry:George, you haven't read a book since high school.

George:So? I'll read one book. One book makes you smart. You read one book, you're smart for life.

Jerry:That's not how it works.

George:I'm telling you, I walk in there, I'm going to blow their minds. I'm going to be like the Hemingway of the group.

Jerry:Oh, a burgeoning intellect! Look at you, George, with your burgeoning intellect.

George:It's only 120 pages. I can knock this out in an afternoon.

Jerry:Truman Capote was a great writer.

George:Oh absolutely, one of the best.

Jerry:Have you ever actually read anything he wrote?

George:No, have you?

Jerry:Not a word.

Jerry:You know what I love about this couch? It's got this anti-social feature where you can put the armrest up between the cushions, so if someone tries to sit next to you, they can't. That's the best part.

George:You're giving me your couch? This is the best day of my life!

Jerry:Well, I'm getting a new couch anyway.

George:A new couch? But you're giving me this one.

Jerry:Yeah, I know. I'm still getting a new one.

Kramer:You come in, you make your own pie. You got the dough, you pound it, you got all these toppings, you just throw 'em right on there.

Jerry:So what, I'm making my own pie now? I gotta do it all?

Kramer:That's the beauty of it!

Jerry:I don't want to make my own pie. I want a fella to make it for me.

Kramer:This duck is so good, I'm gonna have to call my mother and tell her to come down here and eat this duck. And then I'm gonna call my father and tell him to come down here and eat this duck. And then I'm gonna call my boss and tell him to forget about the job, I'm moving to this restaurant and I'm gonna eat duck for the rest of my life!

Elaine:I need to sit on this decision about the couch.

Jerry:Whoa, whoa, whoa — you're not sitting on my couch!

George:You know, you guys are all a bunch of chumps. I'm outta here. I'm moving on with my life.

Jerry:George, you're moving to a studio apartment in Murray Hill.

George:Yeah, well, I'm still moving on.

Elaine:You didn't offer them drinks? What is wrong with you?

Jerry:What? They're working.

Elaine:So? You offer them drinks!

Jerry:I didn't think about it.

Elaine:Well, you should have thought about it. That's what people do. They offer drinks to people who are working for them.

Jerry:I guess I'm just not that kind of guy.

Elaine:What kind of guy are you?

Jerry:I don't know anymore.

Moving Man:Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears.

Elaine:Well, you're a moving man, so whenever I look at you, my standards disappear.

Elaine:You know, I think it's nice to offer a cold drink to the workers. They're working hard in the heat.

Jerry:So what you're saying is, if someone is sweaty, you have to give them a drink?

Elaine:Well, yes, it's the decent thing to do.

Jerry:So by that logic, I could just go stand outside in the sun for twenty minutes, work up a nice sweat, and then go into any restaurant and they'd have to serve me a drink for free?

Elaine:That's not what I'm saying.

Jerry:Because that's the world you're creating. A sweat-based economy.

Poppie:Look at how succulent that is. Succulent. Succulent.

Elaine:I'm sure your mother's very proud of you.

Poppie:Proud? My mother? She watched my father get hit by a bus. She never recovered. She spent the rest of her life in an institution, talking to walls. On her deathbed, she didn't even recognize me. She thought I was a mailman.

Jerry:So, uh, what do you got that's good today?

Elaine:I'm not eating there anymore. I don't care how good the pizza is.

Jerry:Why not?

Elaine:Because the owner donated money to that candidate I don't like.

Jerry:So? A lot of people donate to candidates you don't like.

Elaine:Yeah, but I don't eat *their* pizza.

Jerry:So how do you just casually bring that up? 'Hey Poppie, what's your stance on abortion?' I mean, you gotta ease into it. You can't just come out and say it like that.

Jerry:You gotta say something like, 'So Poppie, in the event that Kramer's bladder explodes, and we need a new Pope... what are your thoughts on the big issues?'

Jerry:So what's with the duck?

Poppie:What duck?

Jerry:The duck. You keep talking about the duck.

Poppie:I like ducks! What's wrong with ducks?

Jerry:Nothing, I just—

Poppie:Ducks are beautiful creatures. Have you ever really looked at a duck? The way they glide across the water?

Jerry:Sure, but—

Poppie:I'm thinking about getting a duck. Maybe two ducks. A whole pond of ducks!

Jerry:Okay...

Poppie:You know what? Forget the duck! What's your stance on abortion?

Jerry:Uh...

Poppie:Well?

Jerry:So I have a question for everyone. And I want you to really think about this before you answer.

Jerry:Do you eat the skin of the kiwi fruit or do you peel it?

Elaine:You know what? I'm invoking the Supreme Court. Roe v. Wade supersedes your no-abortion rule!

Poppie:In my restaurant, there are no exceptions!

Elaine:Well, the Supreme Court disagrees with you!

Jerry:You know, I think I've been going about this whole thing wrong. I don't need to have an opinion on abortion. I just need to ask the right question at the right time, and watch the whole thing fall apart.

Jerry:So I'm sitting there, and the waiter brings out the wrong order. I could've just said something, but instead I thought, 'You know what? Let's see where this goes.'

Jerry:I ate half of it, sent it back, complained it was cold, ordered something completely different, then changed my mind three times. By the end, the entire kitchen was in chaos.

Jerry:The manager comes over, and I'm just sitting there like, 'What? I'm a paying customer.' But the truth is, I did it on purpose. I orchestrated the whole thing. I was basically conducting a symphony of restaurant disaster.

Jerry:So, how far did you get in the book?

George:Oh, I'm almost done. Really gripping stuff.

Jerry:What's the main character's name?

George:Uh... the guy?

Jerry:George...

George:Alright, alright, I didn't read it.

Jerry:You're not a bright guy, George.

George:I know.

Jerry:You know what I like about you, George? You find these amazing shortcuts. Like, you don't actually read the book, you just find out what happens.

George:Well, why waste time reading when you can just ask someone who read it?

Jerry:Exactly! That's the George I like. Not the George who panics about having to read a thousand pages. The George who figures out he doesn't have to.

Elaine:So, um, what kind of shampoo do you use?

Carl:Lady, you're terrible at this.

Carl:I have a phobia of furniture.

Elaine:Oh, that's cool.

Elaine:So how was our date?

Carl:It was fine, but I have to tell you, I was moving some boxes the whole time.

Jerry:We brought you some wine and some spicy food.

Poppie:Wine? Spicy food? You're trying to kill me!

Kramer:What are you talking about? It's a peace offering.

Poppie:Peace offering? You know what happens when you give a man in the hospital wine and spicy food? He dies! You're trying to finish me off!

Elaine:I love you, Carl. I think you're the one for me.

Jerry:Well, I keep detailed statistics. I have a whole system worked out. I track win-loss records, batting averages, home runs...

Jerry:I'm not just dating, I'm competing. Every date is a game, every relationship is a season.

Jerry:I've got spreadsheets. Color-coded spreadsheets.

Jerry:So what's Carl's stance on abortion?

Elaine:Oh, he's pro-choice.

Jerry:How do you know?

Elaine:Because he's cute.

George:Do you have Breakfast at Tiffany's?

Video Store Clerk:No, we don't.

George:When will you have it?

Video Store Clerk:I don't know.

George:Well, can you check?

Video Store Clerk:It's not in the system.

George:Well, can you call other stores?

Video Store Clerk:No.

George:Why not?

Video Store Clerk:Because that's not what we do.

George:Well, what if I pay you extra?

Video Store Clerk:We don't do that either.

George:What if I came back tomorrow and you had it waiting for me?

Video Store Clerk:I'm not going to do that.

George:What if I brought you dinner? Chinese food? You like Chinese food?

George:I have to see this movie. I have to know what happens.

George:You know what? I'm going to follow that guy home.

Joe Temple:What are you talking about?

George:He's got the movie. I'll just follow him home, wait until he puts it in the VCR, then I'll peek through the window.

Joe Temple:That's insane.

George:You got a better idea?

Jerry:There's a puddle on my new couch. A puddle!

Kramer:So what? It's just a little moisture.

Jerry:Just a little moisture? Kramer, this is a brand new couch. I just bought it yesterday.

Kramer:Yeah, well, you know what that is, don't you?

Jerry:What?

Kramer:That's Poppie. He marked his territory.

Jerry:What?! No! No no no no no!

Jerry:I can't believe someone sat on my couch with their outside pants on. My couch! Do you understand what this means?

Kramer:Just have it cleaned.

Jerry:Cleaned? CLEANED?! You can't clean this away, Kramer. It's psychological. I'm contaminated. I'll never sit on that couch again.

Jerry:So a dog pees on your couch, and you're like 'eh, these things happen'?

Kramer:Well, yeah.

Jerry:The couch! Kramer, it's a couch. It's not a tree.

George:You know, these nuts are really good. I'm eating nuts at Joe's house and these nuts are fantastic.

George:Did you know that cashews are actually seeds? They grow outside the fruit. It's true!

George:And almonds - almonds are not actually nuts. They're drupes. A drupe! Can you believe that?

George:Peanuts aren't even peanuts. They're legumes. Everything I thought I knew about nuts is a lie.

Kramer:What's the big deal? It's a pizza, I can put whatever I want on it!

Poppie:No! You don't just put cucumbers on a pizza. That's not pizza anymore!

Kramer:Who are you to define pizza? Pizza is what I say it is!

Poppie:There are rules! Pizza has been the same for centuries!

Kramer:Rules?! You're being a pizza fascist!

Poppie:Don't you call me a fascist! Get out! GET OUT!

George Costanza:My family goes to the movies, we're sitting there, my mother's talking through the whole thing. 'Who's that? What's he doing? Why'd he do that?' I'm like, 'Ma, you're ruining it for everybody!'

Joe Temple:Well, what do you expect? She paid for the ticket.

George Costanza:So that gives her the right to talk? That's like saying if you buy a car, you can drive it however you want, even if you're hitting other cars!

Joe Temple:I guess you got a point.

Joe's Wife:Why is George here? I thought he was in prison.

Joe Temple:He was, but he got out on appeal. Apparently, copying someone else's homework in the 9th grade isn't considered fraud if you're doing it to help them pass.

Joe's Wife:So he's innocent?

Joe Temple:No, he's guilty. But the judge said it's the academic equivalent of sharing your lunch money.

George:You know what? Finders keepers. I was here first.

Joe's Daughter:That's not fair!

George:Fair? You want to talk about fair? Alright, you want this seat? You gotta arm wrestle for it.

Joe's Daughter:I'm eight years old!

George:Yeah, well, you should've thought of that before you tried to take my seat. No backs. That's the rules.

George Costanza:I'm trying to watch the movie! Why do you have to fight on the couch?

Joe:You're the one destroying it!

George Costanza:I'm not destroying it, I'm just... repositioning myself.

Joe's Wife:You spilled grape juice all over it!

George Costanza:That was an accident. Besides, I'm trying to avoid reading the subtitles on this movie. Do you know how hard that is?

Carl:So you're not going to tell George about the couch?

Jerry:No, I can't tell him.

George:What's the big deal? Just tell him it's a little stained. He won't even notice.

Jerry:A little stained? George, the couch is completely soaked with urine.

George:So what? I'll just put a towel over it.

Carl:Can I get a drink?

Elaine:We only have grape juice.

Carl:Grape juice? Why only grape juice?

Elaine:Well, after that couch-staining incident...

Elaine:No, no, no! Not the couch!

Carl:You want more grape juice?

Elaine:No!

Carl:Too bad!

George:Holly Golightly, now that's a woman who had it all figured out. Independent, sophisticated, didn't need a man.

Book Club Member:That's the character. Audrey Hepburn played her.

George:Right, right. Audrey Hepburn. Beautiful woman. Very classy.

Book Club Member:But in the book, Holly Golightly is a lesbian.

George:A lesbian? Holly Golightly? But she's so... she seems so...

Book Club Member:It's in the book.

George:Well, that changes everything. I can't admire a woman like that.