The Head And The Hair

There are these two MSNBC guys we keep seeing around, and we don't know their names, so we call them the Head and the Hair.

That's a Japanese pie watch. It tells time with those little pie pieces. Each piece is six minutes. So right now, it's six times four.

5:30. That can't be right. My watch has these little hands that go around and point at numbers.

Hey, that's awesome, possum.

A talk show without a host, just the voice of the dead lady from Desperate Housewives, or a reality show with a lot of super hot nannies who move into a house and help fat kids lose weight?

This television programming stuff is just one unpredictable ass ache, and I want you to get it out of here.

I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth. And I want you to ride me as hard as you can.

They had girls dancing in cages. And not the go-go cages, the little dog cages that you crate pit bulls in.

That is awesome. - That is upsetting. - That is awesome.

I left the party on a bacon run.

January 17th. 2007? Yeah. Ah, dammit! I knew this was going to happen.

My autobiography is due tomorrow.

I think my snake is sick, so I need you to go out to my car and rub his belly 'til he poops.

It's like having Confederate money. No one's going to take that.

My friend Jenna and I didn't know your name, so we've been calling you the Hair.

How would you like it if I called you Glasses?

I would be fine with that. Oh, good, because that's what I've been calling you.

She was just sitting there in her house coat, holding one of her boobs like this.

You knew when Sonny was coming over, 'cause she would take us to the store and buy two steaks and a bottle of Nair with cocoa butter.

According to Wikipedia, you were discovered after doing stand-up at the Apollo in 1984. I have no memory of that. Write it up.

Or get me a time machine so I can go back in time and smack your mom for smoking crack while she's pregnant.

Or maybe you really are the Hair and I'm the Head in our relationship.

Liz and Jenna, nothing.

That way, by the time Mr. Williams gets back from the liquor store, it's nice and tidy.

Is this tube sock filled with bird seed?

Kenneth, this is not a job. This is an exercise in constant humiliation. You're fired.

So... you guys been watching Heroes? I like the Japanese dude.

The hors d'oeuvres tonight are boxes of pure oxygen infused with a saffron and a white truffle oil.

I just want to go home and watch that show about midgets and eat a block of cheddar cheese.

And if you're trying to harvest my organs and sell them, I have an uncle who's a cop, so don't even try it.

Hey, we all have uncles who are cops, so just take it down a notch.

See? It says right here: 'Legal tender for all debts public and private.' Does it say anything about $100 for a bottle of water?

* Imagine Christmas wishes * Shooting out of your eyes * A candy cake * Full of snow dreams * A stocking full of smiles * It's a Jordan Christmas *

Although I ate way too much oxygen.

Call in sick to work and go see a movie. A movie? A movie. With you. With me. Now. Right now.

Lemon, you're looking a little under the weather. Maybe you should go home.

Because they make television. And more than jazz, or musical theater, or morbid obesity, television is the true American art form.

From Walter Cronkite denouncing Vietnam to Oprah pulling that trash bag of fat out in a wagon.

From the glory and the pageantry of the Summer Olympics to the less fun Winter Olympics.

I want to see a show where women get their hair done, while listening to salsa music.

It's called Gold Case. It's Deal or No Deal meets Millionaire.

Hey, Moonvest, I got an idea for a game show last night. Give me your fingernails!

As far as compensation goes, I would like to be officially the head of the pages, and I need a new clock radio.

Also I want five points on the back end, 20% gross on merchandizing, and a creator credit on this and any international editions. And a clock radio.

Also I want five points on the back end, 20% gross on merchandizing, and a creator credit on this and any international editions. And a clock radio.

Woke up in the camper at the auto show, and that's how 2006 ended.

We do not want your book. Oops, my bad. That's on me. Shut it down.

I don't really hang out with superfluously handsome gentlemen in kick-ass elevator lofts.

I don't download music without paying for it. And I never wear flip-flops. Ever. It's gross.

I do not sit on laps. Really? No, not a lap-sitter. Never have been.

Why do you have a picture of my great-aunt Dolly?

Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt were fifth cousins. Okay, on the count of three, say what level of cousins we would have to be for this to be okay. One, two, three. Fifth. Unacceptable, no matter what.

You are a Hair, Liz Lemon. It's in our blood. Accept it. Embrace it.

Congratulations. You struck gold on Gold Case. Oh, gold's real heavy, isn't it?

This is pathetic. A joke. This whole show is a joke.