The Head And The Hair

Liz · Jenna:The Head and the Hair nickname system — characters have been calling two MSNBC guys by physical descriptors instead of names

The Head / Gray's friend:The Japanese pie watch explanation — 'It tells time with those little pie pieces. Each piece is six minutes. So right now, it's six times four.'

Liz:Liz's retort about her own watch: 'My watch has these little hands that go around and point at numbers.'

The Head:'Hey, that's awesome, possum.'

Pete · Jenna:The French maid werewolf costume vs. Hillary Clinton — 'No, the French maid werewolf thing is cut. You're supposed to be Hillary Clinton right now.'

Jack:Jack's TV show pitches: 'A talk show without a host, just the voice of the dead lady from Desperate Housewives, or a reality show with a lot of super hot nannies who move into a house and help fat kids lose weight?'

Jack:Jack shows off the thing he welded at the locomotive factory: a small, apparently useless metal object

Jack · Kenneth:Jack: 'I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth. And I want you to ride me as hard as you can.'

Jack:'I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth. And I want you to ride me as hard as you can.'

Tracy:Tracy describing the party: 'They had girls dancing in cages. And not the go-go cages, the little dog cages that you crate pit bulls in.'

Frank · Liz:Frank and Liz's dueling reactions: 'That is awesome. / That is upsetting. / That is awesome.'

Liz · Tracy:Liz pointing out Tracy is on time to work for the first time ever, then Tracy revealing he never left the party — he's on a bacon run

Cerie · Liz:Cerie writes down January 17th — 'Just like every other day.'

Tracy · Toofer:Tracy's autobiography is due tomorrow — he just found out what today's date is

Jack · Kenneth:Jack arrives late to his first day as Kenneth's subordinate and Kenneth reprimands him: 'Well, don't let it happen again.'

Tracy · Jack · Kenneth:Tracy's first task for Jack and Kenneth: 'I think my snake is sick, so I need you to go out to my car and rub his belly 'til he poops.'

Frank:The ATM hundred-dollar bill complaint: 'It's like having Confederate money. No one's going to take that.'

Liz · MSNBC receptionist:Liz arrives at the MSNBC floor and asks for 'the Head' — 'Hi, can I help you? / Yes, I'm looking for... the Head?'

Gray · Liz:Gray's introduction — he turns out to be the Hair, not the Head, and knows Liz has been calling her 'Glasses'

Gray · Liz:'How would you like it if I called you Glasses? / I would be fine with that.'

Tracy:Tracy's 1979 flashback narration: finding naked pictures of his mother under her mattress, describing her holding 'one of her boobs like this' and the Sonny visits marked by two steaks and a bottle of Nair with cocoa butter

Tracy · Toofer:Tracy: 'How many pages do we have now?' Toofer: 'Five.' Tracy: 'Make the letters bigger, Toof.'

Toofer · Tracy:Tracy's Wikipedia-sourced autobiography: 'According to Wikipedia, you were discovered after doing stand-up at the Apollo in 1984. / I have no memory of that. Write it up.'

Jack:Jack orders a new salad and threatens the waiter with a time machine so he could 'go back in time and smack your mom for smoking crack while she's pregnant'

Waiter:The waiter confirming 'That's usually how it goes' after Jack's crack-smoking time machine insult

Liz · Jenna:Liz's Star Wars slip: 'It was like the Death Star tractor beam when the Falcon is-- / No, Liz. / Do not talk about stuff like that on your date.'

Liz:Liz's self-assessment: 'I don't go out on dates with guys like Gray. It feels wrong. He's the Hair, and I am a Head-plus, at best.'

Jack · Liz · Jenna:Jack offers to make coffee for Liz and Jenna, who both decline — then Jack smoothly pivots back to authority mode in the hallway

Liz · Jenna:Liz and Jenna's shared bewildered reaction to Jack bringing them coffee

Kenneth:Brian Williams' dressing room protocol: 'I've never met Brian Williams, but his dressing room has to be cleaned up every day between 11 and 11:30. That way, by the time Mr. Williams gets back from the liquor store, it's nice and tidy.'

Jack · Kenneth:Kenneth's tube sock full of bird seed: 'Is this tube sock filled with bird seed? / Yes, sir. / Just put it in the basket with the others.'

Jack · Kenneth:Jack asking Kenneth about his 'life plan' — Kenneth misunderstands and explains his cleaning pattern

Kenneth · Jack:Kenneth fires Jack: 'You're fired. / I beg your pardon? / You said I'm your boss for today. So I fire you.'

Liz · Gray:Liz's arrival at the trendy party — introduced to Kiara, Francesca, Talbot, and Armand

Gray · Liz:Gray introduces Liz to his extremely attractive, stylish friends at the party: Kiara, Francesca, Talbot, and Armand

Liz:Liz attempting small talk at the fancy party: 'So... you guys been watching Heroes? / [silence] / I like the Japanese dude.'

server:The hors d'oeuvres are 'boxes of pure oxygen infused with saffron and white truffle oil'

Liz:Liz's private assessment: 'I just want to go home and watch that show about midgets and eat a block of cheddar cheese.'

Jenna:Jenna's revelation: 'If it makes you feel any better, I've discovered I'm not a Head.'

Liz:Liz's paranoid list of reasons she suspects Gray has ulterior motives: gay beard, organ harvesting, being after her money

Gray:'Hey, we all have uncles who are cops, so just take it down a notch.'

Liz · store clerk:The hundred-dollar bill standoff at the store: Liz arguing legal tender law with a store clerk

Tracy:Tracy's Christmas album: '*Imagine Christmas wishes / Shooting out of your eyes / A candy cake / Full of snow dreams / A stocking full of smiles / It's a Jordan Christmas*'

Toofer:'I remember that. That video was raunchy.'

Toofer:Toofer: 'I remember that. That video was raunchy.' — stated casually about a children's Christmas song

Liz · Gray:The morning-after callback: 'Although I ate way too much oxygen.' / 'Yeah, you actually got a little oxygen right there on your... coat.'

Liz · Gray:Gray convinces Liz to call in sick with 'Call in sick to work and go see a movie' — she immediately does it and vomits a fake excuse on 6th Avenue

Jack · Liz · Gray:Jack encountering Liz and Gray on the street: 'Lemon, you're looking a little under the weather. Maybe you should go home.'

Kenneth:Kenneth asks if Jack paddling swan boats for tourists is 'a euphemism for some kind of sex worker'

Kenneth:Kenneth's speech about television as 'the true American art form'

Kenneth:'From the glory and the pageantry of the Summer Olympics to the less fun Winter Olympics.'

Jack:Jack's response: 'Oh, my. How did he get that up there?' — looking at something on the ceiling after Kenneth's speech

Jack:Jack's TV pitches to Kenneth: 'An ex-porn star who talks to ghosts, or a remake of Little House on the Prairie?'

Jack:Jack asks Kenneth to choose between shows: 'An ex-porn star who talks to ghosts, or a remake of Little House on the Prairie?'

Kenneth:Kenneth pitches his own show ideas: a show about women getting their hair done while listening to salsa music, a cop show called 'K-9!' and a game show called 'Gold Case'

Kenneth · Les Moonves (imagined):Kenneth's Gold Case pitch to Moonvest: 'Hey, Moonvest, I got an idea for a game show last night. Give me your fingernails! / No!'

Jack:Jack's fantasy of CBS's Les Moonves calling: 'Hey, Moonvest, I got an idea for a game show last night.' Moonves: 'Give me your fingernails!' Jack: 'No!'

Kenneth:Kenneth's Gold Case compensation demands: 'I would like to be officially the head of the pages, and I need a new clock radio.'

Kenneth:Kenneth immediately follows up with sophisticated backend terms: 'five points on the back end, 20% gross on merchandizing, and a creator credit on this and any international editions. And a clock radio.'

Jack:Jack: 'You've got it up there, now snap it off.' — responding to the modest demands, impatient to close

Kenneth:Kenneth follows up with: '5 points on the back end, 20% gross on merchandising, a creator credit on this and any international editions... and a clock radio.'

Tracy:Tracy's autobiography ends with '...Woke up in the camper at the auto show, and that's how 2006 ended.'

Tracy · Toofer:Tracy's 2007 autobiography origin story: 'It was early January 2007 when I got the idea to write my autobiography. So I took a meeting at Random House...' — the editor says no, Tracy says 'Oops, my bad. That's on me. Shut it down.'

Tracy · Toofer · Frank:Tracy's autobiography completely breaks down — they reveal they went to Random House and the editor said 'No, Mr. Jordan. No, thank you. We do not want your book.'

Liz · Gray:Gray's apartment — elevator opens directly into the apartment

Liz:Liz's 'what don't you do' list: no smoking, no drugs (except allergy medicine), pays for downloaded music, never wears flip-flops

Liz · Gray:Liz refuses to sit on laps: 'I do not sit on laps. / Really? / No, not a lap-sitter. Never have been.'

Liz:Liz sits on Gray's lap but narrates the awkwardness: 'It's a small girl thing, it's not a grown lady thing.'

Gray:Gray's reassurance: 'Liz, I am not gay, I am not married, I don't have a human head in my freezer.'

Liz · Gray:Liz recognizes Gray's grandmother's cousin Dolly — 'Why do you have a picture of my great-aunt Dolly?'

Gray:'Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt were fifth cousins.'

Gray · Liz:The cousin-level negotiation: 'On the count of three, say what level of cousins we would have to be for this to be okay. One, two, three. / Fifth. / Unacceptable, no matter what.'

Liz · Gray:Liz: 'This is what I get for trying to be somebody I am not.' — Gray: 'You ARE a Hair, Liz Lemon. It's in our blood. Accept it. Embrace it.'

Liz · Gray:'I think we're third cousins.' / 'Yeah, I'll see you at the reunion.'

Liz · Gray:Liz: 'I think we're third cousins.' Gray: 'Yeah, I'll see you at the reunion.'

Liz:'Kind of wish you had a door right now.'

Jack · Kenneth · contestant Jeff:Gold Case game show taping — the first contestant immediately picks the correct case and wins

Jack · second contestant:Gold Case second attempt — another contestant also immediately picks the correct case: 'Oh, gold's real heavy, isn't it?'

Jack · Kenneth:Jack's final shutdown: 'This game doesn't work. / Okay, my bad. Shut it down. Shut it down!'

Jack:'At least you got a clock radio out of it, right?'

Jack:Jack's final Gold Case verdict: 'Whose idea was this? / This is pathetic. A joke. This whole show is a joke.'

Jack:Final Gold Case line: 'This is pathetic. A joke. This whole show is a joke.' — delivered about Gold Case but also meta-referential to 30 Rock itself