The Millennium

Jerry:Excuse me, I'd like to buy something.

Saleswoman:Hold on, I'm talking to my friend.

Jerry:I understand, but I'm a customer.

Saleswoman:Yeah, but you're not a friend.

Jerry:You can start by acknowledging my existence.

George:I'm a big fan of previews. I love going to see previews.

George:Must see TV? I'm all about 'must avoid TV.'

George:I told her a joke at dinner and she loved it. She was laughing so hard she had to leave the table.

Elaine:George, that's wonderful. You should really consider doing this professionally.

George:You think so?

Elaine:Oh absolutely. I'm sure the Comedy Store would love to have you.

Jerry:You know what the problem is with speed dial? It's like a commitment. Once you put someone on speed dial, you can't just take them off. You have to actually break up with them first.

Jerry:You'll keep these chairs for eight months?

Kramer:Eight months? Jerry, these chairs aren't going anywhere for two and a half years.

Jerry:Two and a half years?

Kramer:Yeah, I'm gonna need them.

Kramer:Yeah, I got a storage unit. I'm keeping all my chairs there. I got about forty, fifty chairs in there.

Jerry:Forty or fifty chairs? What are you doing with forty or fifty chairs?

Kramer:Well, you never know when you're gonna need a chair, Jerry. Besides, I'm also storing a bunch of old calendars. You know, in case someone wants to know what day February 14th fell on in 1987.

George:They want to have lunch with me. The Mets. They think I know something about baseball.

George:I mean, I don't know anything. But they don't know that.

George:So I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna tell them exactly what I think. And they're gonna listen to me like I'm Branch Rickey or something.

Elaine:Those Mayans at the store are so rude!

Jerry:The Mayans? What, like from ancient Mexico?

Elaine:No, Jerry, the people working there. Their names are Mayan or something.

Jerry:Oh. I thought you meant like, the civilization that disappeared.

Kramer:You know, you should celebrate Cinco de Mayo. My friend Marcelino, he's got like a sixteenth of Mayan heritage.

Jerry:These balloons won't stay inflated until New Year's.

Kramer:I have balloons.

George Costanza:Are you talking about getting me fired?

Mets Executive 1:No, no, no...

Mets Executive 2:Well, yes.

George Steinbrenner:We prefer to think of it as a mutual parting of ways.

Mets Executive:There was a realignment of personnel expectations.

George Steinbrenner:His skill set was no longer compatible with our organizational trajectory.

Mets Executive:We're exploring alternative career pathways for all stakeholders.

Jerry:I'm sorry, I have to take this call. My machine is full.

Jerry:Actually, you know what? You're not that interesting anyway.

Kramer:I whipped Putumayo!

George:I'm gonna go in there and I'm gonna tell him exactly what I think. I don't care anymore.

George:Giddy up!

George:I want to go out in a blaze of glory.

Jerry:Well, you'll certainly go out in a blaze of incompetence.

Kramer:You know, in the year 2000, we're gonna be eating a lot different. We're gonna be eating food that's made from solar power. They're gonna have these little solar panels on the food, they'll heat it up.

Kramer:And napkins... napkins are gonna be obsolete. We're gonna have these little robot arms that come out of the table and wipe our mouths for us.

George:It's a scale. You know, it tells you how much things weigh.

Kramer:You know, in the future, people won't need to talk anymore. They'll just communicate telepathically.

Kramer:Yeah, you just think about what you wanna say, and the other person hears it.

Kramer:No more phones, no more letters... just pure thought transmission.

Valerie:You're so thoughtful, Jerry. You got me flowers, you took me to that fancy restaurant, you surprised me with that weekend trip...

Jerry:Well, I like to show you how much you mean to me.

Valerie:I know, and now you're buying me jewelry? Jerry, this is too much!

Jerry:I'm number one on her speed dial? That's great! I feel like General Patton.

Jerry:I have successfully invaded her heart.

George:Yeah, I tried on Babe Ruth's uniform. It still fits pretty good.

George:These strawberries are pretty good. A little tart, but overall, I'd say... seven out of ten.

Kramer:I'm throwing a millennium party.

Kramer:But I gotta make sure we got enough oxygen for everybody. I'm thinking about getting some scuba tanks, you know, just in case we run out of air.

Jerry:Kramer, why would you run out of air at a party?

Kramer:Well, with all those people, Jerry. And if we get really packed in there... we could be underwater.

Jerry:Oh, that's what's causing the weather. Elaine's out there doing her little dance, and the sky's like, 'Alright, alright, I'll give her some rain.'

Newman:I'm calling it the Newmillennium!

Mrs. Hamilton:Jerry, I need to talk to you about something very important. I've been looking at your speed dial and I have to say, I'm very disappointed.

Jerry:What? What's wrong with my speed dial?

Mrs. Hamilton:What's wrong? I'm number seven, Jerry. Number seven! Do you know how that makes me feel? I'm your mother's best friend and I'm sandwiched between a pizza place and your dry cleaner!

Jerry:Well, you know, the speed dial is really just for convenience...

Mrs. Hamilton:Convenience? I've reorganized my entire life around speed dial positioning. I moved my hairdresser to Tuesdays so I'd be available when you might call. I've taken a course in speed dial psychology. I know that you check your speed dial every single day, and every single day I'm sitting there at number seven like some kind of second-rate acquaintance!

Steinbrenner:You know what your problem is? You don't know the history of this game. Babe Ruth was the Sultan of Swat. The Sultan of Swat! You know what that means? He was a sultan. An actual sultan. From Swat. I looked it up.

Steinbrenner:Swat is a region in Pakistan. Ruth spent his winters there, perfecting his swing with the locals. That's why he was so good. The sultan training.

Steinbrenner:I'm not putting on these pants. Do you know what Lou Gehrig died of?

George:ALS.

Steinbrenner:Exactly. Now I'm supposed to put on his pants? What if it's in the fabric?

Jerry:How did you know to call me?

Valerie:My stepmother must have put you on my speed dial.

Newman:Why would I cancel my party? You're just a bald fraud!

Newman:I've been planning this party for 21 years!

Newman:I'm going to have a DJ spinning vinyl records from the 80s.

Jerry:Newman, it's 2005.

Newman:Exactly! The 80s will be back in style by then!

Newman:I will do it, but only on one condition: for the next thousand years, people will look up at the sky and see my name written in the stars.

George:I'm telling you, I can't get fired. I've tried everything. I show up late, I do bad work, I insult the clients.

George:But they just keep me around. It's like I'm too incompetent to actually be fired for being incompetent.

Elaine:You! I should have known it was you running this place into the ground!

Gladys Mayo:What are you talking about?

Elaine:You've been sabotaging me this whole time, haven't you? The fake coupons, the bad inventory...

Gladys Mayo:Elaine, I think you're confused.

Elaine:Confused? I'm not confused. I own both stores.

Elaine:I've been competing against myself this whole time.

Elaine:These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Mrs. Hamilton:You know, Jerry, when Valerie's away... the mice will play.

Jerry:Mrs. Hamilton, I don't think that's appropriate.

Mrs. Hamilton:Oh come on. I've already programmed myself into your speed dial. All you have to do is press one button.

Jerry:That's... that's not how speed dial works.

Newman:It's the Newman's Millennium Party!

Baseball Announcer:And here comes George Costanza, dropping his pants, fully exposing himself to the crowd. Oh my, he's running toward center field now, completely naked, his genitals flapping in the wind. What we're witnessing here is either a cry for help or a man who has completely lost his mind.

Baseball Announcer:And here comes George Costanza, he's running onto the field, he's dropping his pants!

George Costanza:Giddy up!

Kramer:A festivus for the rest of us!

Newman:That's not even a portmanteau.

Kramer:Well, what about 'Partyvent'?

Newman:I've booked the top nightclub in the city for New Year's Eve, millennium celebration. I'm the MC.

Jerry:The millennium doesn't start until January 1st, 2001.

Newman:What?

Jerry:There was no year zero. The first century went from year 1 to year 100. So the second century went from 101 to 200. Which means the 20th century goes from 1901 to 2000. And the 21st century and the new millennium don't begin until January 1st, 2001.

Newman:But everybody's celebrating on New Year's Eve this year!

Jerry:I know. They're wrong.

Mrs. Hamilton:I don't understand. Why am I so dry? My skin, my hair... everything is just shriveling up!

Kramer:Yeah, well, those clothes I gave you had industrial desiccant packets in them.

Mrs. Hamilton:Desiccant? You mean those little packets that remove moisture?

Kramer:I forgot to take them out.

Mrs. Hamilton:Kramer! I'm becoming a human raisin!

Valerie:Mrs. Hamilton! Mrs. Hamilton, are you okay?

Valerie:I'm calling Poison Control!

Jerry:Hello?

Valerie:Is this Poison Control?

Jerry:No, this is Jerry.

Valerie:Well, you're in my phone as Poison Control!

Jerry:I'm in the speed dial! I'm a speed dial number! Do you know what this means? I'm essential. I'm poison control!

Jerry:Finally, I've made it. I'm not just any number in someone's phone - I'm a life-or-death number. If someone swallows drain cleaner, I'm the first person they call.

Jerry:This is it. This is the pinnacle. Move over, Mom's house and the pizza place - there's a new number one on the speed dial.

Newman:'No Jerry. Jerry is not invited... For me, the next millennium must be Jerry-free.'

George:'Never thought I'd fail at failing.'

Jerry · George:'You do everything wrong.' / 'Everything?' / 'Everything.' / 'I have no confidence in you.'

George:'I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again.'

Jerry:'That's the spirit. You suck.'

Elaine:'Together we can drive Putumayo out of business and make Cinco de Mayo, numero uno de Mayo.'

Gladys Mayo:'I'm Gladys Mayo.'

Elaine:'This really sticks in my craw.'

Mrs. Hamilton:'So attractive, so strong, so comedic.'

Mrs. Hamilton · Jerry:Mrs. Hamilton's 'deliciously naughty idea' is to put Jerry on her speed dial — treating phone contact as an erotic proposition

Newman:'It's 2000. Newmannium!'

Sports Announcer · George:'A short, stocky, bald man is streaking across the field. Oh, my God, George. No, check that. He's not streaking. He's wearing a flesh-toned body stocking. Apparently he's a bit bashful, and oddly, no one seems upset.'

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:'It's George.' / 'Everyone loves him.' / 'Yeah, I know.'

Kramer · Elaine:Kramer uses a pricing gun to mark everything in Putumayo at 99 cents as the 'sale of the century'

Elaine:'Still a rip-off.'

Jerry · Valerie · Mrs. Hamilton:The three-way speed-dial phone call: Jerry juggling Valerie and Mrs. Hamilton, negotiating speed-dial positions in real time while on hold with both

Kramer:Jerry/Kramer appears in Putumayo as H.E. Pennypacker, 'a wealthy American industrialist looking to open a silver mine in the mountains of Peru'

Kramer:'Machu Picchu. Are these free?'

Kramer · Putumayo Saleswoman:Pennypacker is seen trying on women's clothing: 'Some of those are women's clothes.' / 'Oh, not a problem.'

George:George's public address announcement to Steinbrenner: 'Attention, Steinbrenner and front-office morons. Your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it and rotate!'

George:'This is George Costanza. I fear no reprisal. Extension 5170.'

Elaine:'You have screwed me again, Pennypacker.'

Elaine · Kramer:'That's not gonna do anything.' 'Patience.'

Kramer:Pennypacker offers chips to the Putumayo customers while in disguise: 'Ladies, care for some chips?' / 'Well, I don't mind if I do.'

Kramer:'Well, I've changed my mind. I think I'm going to build a roller coaster instead.'

Wilhelm · Steinbrenner · George:Wilhelm steps forward to take the blame for George's parking-lot rampage, claiming he ordered George to insult everyone

Steinbrenner:'I cannot believe that you, Body-Suit Man, could perpetrate such a disloyal deed. It breaks my heart to say it. Who am I kidding? I love it.'

Steinbrenner:'Wilhelm, you're fired.'

Steinbrenner:'I'm not going to the game today. I'm going to go outside and scalp some tickets. Owner's box. That's gotta bring in 40 bucks, no problem.'

Kramer:'I don't know what Elaine is so upset about. Without desiccants, those clothes will be noticeably musty in five years. She never sees the big picture.'

Jerry · Newman:'Hello, Newman.' / 'Hello, Jerry.'

Jerry:'Well, maybe so, but come midnight, when she's looking for someone warm and cuddly to kiss, I guess you'll be caught between the moon and New York City.'

Newman:Newman immediately folds and invites Jerry back to the party after Jerry's Christopher Cross jab

Newman:'You don't want to do your act or anything, do you?' — Newman, while agreeing to let Jerry come to the Newmannium.

Newman · Kramer:The toast: 'To the Newmannium.' / 'To the Kramennium.'

Jerry · Newman:Jerry reveals the millennium doesn't start until 2001 because there was no year zero — making Newman's party 'one year late and thus quite lame'

Valerie · Jerry · Mrs. Hamilton:Mrs. Hamilton is violently ill from the desiccants; Valerie hits Poison Control and gets Jerry

Mrs. Hamilton:'I don't feel well at all. I feel all dried-out inside.' — Mrs. Hamilton, having consumed desiccants.

Jerry:'Wow, Poison Control. That's even higher than number one.'