The Muffin Tops

Stranger:Hey, can you watch my bag for a minute?

George:Sure.

George:But I'm not gonna watch it very carefully. I mean, if someone comes by, I might not even notice. I could be looking the other way. I have a very short attention span. Plus, I'm not that invested in your bag. I don't even know you. Why would I risk my life for a stranger's bag? If a guy comes over here and starts grabbing it, I'm not gonna tackle him. I'm just gonna let it happen and feel bad about it.

George:I'm not just watching the bag, I'm living the bag.

Jerry:You're wearing someone else's clothes.

George:They fit perfectly! It's like the bag was meant for me.

Jerry:That's not how watching a bag works, George.

George:Well, what was I supposed to do? Just sit here with an empty bag?

Jerry:You can't wear those clothes.

George:Why not? I'm watching them.

George:When should you start worrying about ear hair?

Jerry:When you start hearing rustling.

Jerry:You know what I think? I think we're going through a second puberty. That's what aging is - it's puberty part two. You get hair in new places, your body does weird things, you can't control it.

Jerry:First puberty, you're growing up. Second puberty, you're breaking down. It's the same thing, just in reverse.

Jerry:Who replaced you?

George:A high school student who only comes once a week.

George:You know what your problem is? You go after these tourists. What are you doing?

Jerry:What's wrong with tourists?

George:They're tourists! They're the worst people. They walk around with those cameras, those matching visors, those fanny packs. You know what you look like when you're with a tourist? You look like a tour guide. 'And if you'll look to your left, you'll see Jerry, he's pointing at a building.'

Kramer:My stories are in Peterman's book?

Elaine:Yeah, I used some of your stories.

Kramer:Well, that's nice.

Kramer:My stories are in a book? That's incredible! Do you realize what this means?

Kramer:I'm part of popular culture now. I'm in the zeitgeist!

Kramer:People are reading about me. My life, my experiences - they're literary!

Kramer:I'm going to Waldenbooks!

Jerry:No! No, you're not!

Mr. Lippman:These celebrity books, they're all the same. 'My Journey,' 'My Struggle,' 'My Life.' Nobody cares! You're not that interesting!

Jerry:I'm standing right here.

Mr. Lippman:Not you, Jerry. You're different.

Peterman:A gangly fellow? Yes, yes, I remember now. That's how I think of him. The gangly fellow.

Kramer:You know, people are like juice. They need a little pulp to be happy.

Mr. Lippman:So you're telling me you only eat the top of the muffin?

Elaine:Yes! Why do we have to eat the whole muffin? The muffin top is the best part. It's the money. The stump, the stump at the bottom, that's disgusting.

Mr. Lippman:What do we do with the stumps?

Elaine:A muffin top baker... they could be very successful.

Elaine:You know what the best part of a muffin is? The muffin top. It's the most satisfying part of the muffin, and it's the only part that should be eaten.

Mr. Lippman:That's it! We'll open a muffin shop that only sells muffin tops!

Security Guard:You want to see New York? Get on a bus.

George:A bus? I thought you said I should see the sights.

Security Guard:You will. From the bus. As it drives away from here.

Mary Anne:I'm so sorry about that. New Yorkers can be so rude.

George:Hey, I'm from New York.

Mary Anne:Oh, I didn't mean you. You're not rude.

George:Well, I am rude. I'm very rude. I'm a very rude person.

Jerry:I'm shaving, right? And I nick myself. So I think, okay, I'll just even it out a little bit on the other side. So I even it out. Now it's uneven again! So I even that out. Before I know it, I've shaved half my face!

Kramer:You're not supposed to use a woman's razor on your legs.

Jerry:Why not? Women shave their legs.

Kramer:It's different.

Jerry:How is it different? They shave their legs, I shave my legs. What's the difference?

Kramer:Well, you know, it's like a Southern belle. You gotta treat it delicately, gently... with respect. You can't just go in there like you're digging for gold!

Jerry:Elaine, I have to tell you something. You can't tell anyone.

Elaine:Okay, what?

Jerry:I'm seeing someone.

Elaine:Oh.

Jerry:I don't want to ride a horse. I don't like horses. I don't trust them.

Jerry:You're sitting on top of a giant animal. It could decide at any moment, 'I'm done with this guy,' and just buck you off or take off running through the city streets.

Jerry:Can you imagine? Me on a horse, galloping down Fifth Avenue? The horse is panicking, I'm panicking, we're crashing through store windows, people are screaming, 'There goes a guy on a horse!'

Jerry:The beach? You couldn't pay me to go to the beach. Sand gets everywhere. It's in your hair, it's in your clothes, it's in places sand has no business being. And the water? Salt water. It dries out your skin. You come out looking like a raisin. A big, wet raisin.

Jerry:Look at this dog, it's completely hairless. The owner's so proud of it. I'm like, 'Yeah, great, you've got a dog that looks like me after I get out of the shower.'

Jerry:A store? For muffin tops only? What about the rest of the muffin?

Elaine:Jerry, some people just want the muffin top. They don't care about the stump.

Mr. Lippman:Top of the muffin to you!

Jerry:George, you can't just act like a tourist and expect people to not notice you're being an idiot.

George:Why not? Tourists get to do whatever they want. They're stupid, they're loud, nobody expects anything from them.

Jerry:So your plan is to dress up as a tourist so you have an excuse to be yourself?

George:Exactly! It's the perfect cover. I'm not being rude, I'm being authentic to the character. I'm a tourist!

George:I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loving it. These tourists, they come to the city, they don't know nobody, they got no frame of reference. I'm like a new man to them.

Jerry:So what, you're telling them you're from out of town?

George:I got a hotel room. I'm registered under a fake name. Steinbrenner. I told this one girl I was a latex salesman from the midwest.

Jerry:You got a hotel room?

George:I had to! Once you start with the lie, you gotta see it through. I can't have her calling me at my apartment. My mother picks up the phone!

Jerry:You're staying at the hotel? What are you doing at the hotel?

George:I'm living here now. I got a great rate.

Jerry:You can't live at a hotel.

George:Why not? It's got everything. Room service, maid, front desk.

Jerry:George, you need an apartment.

George:This is better than an apartment. No lease, no commitment. I can leave whenever I want.

Jerry:But you're paying hotel rates.

George:Not anymore. I told them I was a traveling salesman. They gave me a weekly rate.

Jerry:I'm not admitting to shaving my chest. Once you admit to shaving your chest, you've crossed a line. You're a certain type of guy after that. You're on a list somewhere.

Kramer:I'm not stealing ideas, I'm just borrowing them from the air.

Elaine:From the air? Kramer, you can't just take things from the air. That's not how ownership works.

Kramer:Why not? Ideas are just floating around up there.

Elaine:So what, you think you own the air now? Because if you do, I've been breathing your air this whole time without permission.

George:Well, my father was from Long Island, my mother was from Queens. There was no accent in the gene pool. It's not like I can just grow one. That's not how it works.

George:You know, Mary Anne, I have to be honest with you. I'm staying at the Hotel Pennsylvania right now. It's not much, but they have HBO.

George:And here's the thing - it's free preview weekend. So if you come up to my room, we can watch it for free. After Sunday, they're gonna charge me four ninety-five a month, but this weekend? Free.

Mary Anne:I can't be with someone who lives a lie like this.

George:What lie? I'm an architect!

Mary Anne:You live with your parents, you have no job, and you made up an entire fake identity just to impress me.

George:I'm a very busy man. I have a lot going on.

Mary Anne:You told me you owned a home in the Hamptons.

George:I... I was thinking about buying one.

Mary Anne:And the Mercedes? The one you said was parked outside?

George:It's in the shop.

Mary Anne:George, it doesn't exist. Nothing about you is real.

George:I'm thinking about moving to New York.

Mary Anne:New York? George, you can't move to New York. It's dangerous! You could get mugged, or killed!

George:I already live in New York.

Mary Anne:You know, New York can be a very dangerous place.

George:Dangerous? I live here!

George:I'm out there Jerry and I'm lovin' it. And I'm doing all these things and I'm lovin' every minute of it. I'm meeting all these people, I'm doing all these things. And then one day it hits me - what am I doing? I'm not accomplishing anything. I'm not doing anything with my life. I'm just spinning my wheels.

George:My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Kramer:You know, I'm the real Peterman.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

Kramer:Well, how do you know you're you? How do I know I'm me?

Jerry:Because we have different names and different lives.

Kramer:That's what he wants you to think.

Jerry:So what you're saying is you think you might be dreaming right now?

Kramer:Well, I don't know. How do I know I'm not dreaming? You could be dreaming me.

Jerry:I'm not dreaming you, Kramer.

Kramer:But what if I'm dreaming that you're not dreaming me? Then you would be.

Jerry:This is insane. You're standing right here, you're real.

Kramer:Or am I just a figment of your subconscious? A representation of your id?

Jerry:You're not my id, Kramer.

Kramer:How would you know? Maybe your whole life is just a dream, and when you wake up, none of this ever happened.

Kramer:Yeah, and you know, the problem with these candy bars today is they're not as big as they used to be. I mean, remember when you could get a Chunky for a quarter?

Mr. Lippman:We're throwing away the muffin tops!

Elaine:Why don't you just make muffin tops? You know, sell just the tops.

Mr. Lippman:Elaine, you're a genius! But what do we do with the stumps?

Elaine:Stumps?

Mr. Lippman:The muffin bottoms.

Elaine:Well... you throw them away.

Mr. Lippman:But that's wasteful!

Elaine:So then make full muffins.

Mr. Lippman:But we have a muffin top business!

Mr. Lippman:We're throwing away thousands of muffin tops every day. What about the muffin bottoms?

Elaine:What about them?

Mr. Lippman:We could give them to the homeless.

Elaine:The homeless don't want muffin bottoms.

Mr. Lippman:They're homeless, Elaine. They're not in a position to be choosy.

Elaine:Mr. Lippman, why do you always say 'hello' like that? It sounds so forced.

Mr. Lippman:Forced? This is genuine enthusiasm, Elaine. I'm happy to see you.

Elaine:But you say it the exact same way to everyone who walks in.

Mr. Lippman:That's because I'm always happy! And I'm not about to change a winning formula.

Kramer:What are you doing?

Jerry:I'm shaving.

Kramer:Again? You shaved this morning!

Jerry:I know, but I felt a little stubble coming in.

Kramer:So you're just gonna stand there and shave all day?

Jerry:No, just until it's perfect.

Kramer:It's already perfect, Jerry. You're obsessing!

Jerry:I'm not obsessing. I just like to be smooth.

Kramer:You keep shaving, you're gonna have a problem.

Jerry:What problem?

Kramer:You'll go blind.

Jerry:That's not shaving, that's something else.

Kramer:Oh, well then you got nothing to worry about.

Kramer:If you shave it, it's gonna grow back thicker and darker.

Jerry:How do you know?

Kramer:I know.

Jerry:Kramer, what is that? Why do you have hair on your back?

Kramer:Oh, this? I was at the beach, I fell asleep in the sun. When I woke up, a sea monkey had attached itself to my back. By the time I realized it, it had already laid eggs. Now I got a whole colony back there.

Elaine:You know, we're throwing out perfectly good muffin stumps. The homeless could use these.

Rebecca DeMornay:You're assuming the homeless want muffin stumps?

Elaine:Well, what's wrong with that?

Rebecca DeMornay:You're making assumptions about homeless people. Just because they're homeless doesn't mean they want your garbage muffins.

Rebecca DeMornay:You think because I'm homeless, I must be stupid. You probably think I'm out here thinking 'Ooh, a shiny button, I'm gonna pick it up and put it in my pocket.'

George:No, no, no...

Rebecca DeMornay:Well I'm not. I'm out here thinking about Schopenhauer. I'm out here thinking about Spinoza. These are the things that occupy my mind.

Elaine:What? I was just trying to help! I gave him money!

Rebecca DeMornay:Why don't you just eat a big bowl of lard with chocolate chips?

Elaine:You know, that's not a bad idea.

Mary Anne:You know, if you've lived here this long, you should really consider getting some furniture.

Mary Anne:This place smells like a combination of old cheese and regret.

Kramer:And that's my bedroom window. See the chicken wire? That's to keep the pigeons out.

Tourist:You look like you've never been to a gym in your life.

Kramer:Well, I go to the gym.

Tourist:When? 1987?

Kramer:I'm very fit. I have excellent circulation.

Tourist:Can I get some more candy?

Kramer:No! You paid for the tour, not the candy!

Tourist:This bus tour is terrible! We paid good money for this.

Another Tourist:Yeah, where's the commentary? Where's the information?

Kramer:Hey, you rubes want commentary? I'll give you commentary. Look around - you're on a bus!

Mr. Lippman:How are we supposed to transport these muffin stumps?

Kramer:Muffin stumps? I thought you said muffin... stumps. Like veterans. Guys who lost their legs in the war.

George:Mary Anne, didn't you have to be somewhere?

Mary Anne:No, I'm free.

Steinbrenner:You have another job?

George:Yes, I do. I work for the New York Mets.

Steinbrenner:You work for the Mets? How is that possible? You work for me.

George:Well, I work nights.

Mary Anne:He's a bookie.

George:Mary Anne!

Steinbrenner:You're working for the New York Yankees and the New York Mets at the same time?

George:Yes.

Steinbrenner:My mind is blown.

Steinbrenner:My mind is blown.

Steinbrenner:My mind is blown.

Jerry:A pizza bagel? That's not a pizza bagel, that's just a bagel with sauce on it. You need cheese!

Kramer:I like it this way.

Jerry:You're insane.

George:I once put ketchup on a bagel.

Jerry:That's disgusting.

George:I was desperate!

Jerry:You know, Kramer, this bus tour is... it's really something. I mean, the way you're driving, the sights you're showing us, the complete disregard for traffic laws... it's authentic. It's like a real New York experience. A terrible real New York experience, but authentic.

Steinbrenner:George, I've been thinking about ways to increase concession revenues at the stadium.

George:Yes, Mr. Steinbrenner?

Steinbrenner:What if we served chicken on a stick? Stadium chicken on a stick.

George:That's... that could work.

Steinbrenner:But then I thought, why stop there? Chicken in a cup. Boneless chicken. Chicken foam.

George:Chicken foam?

Steinbrenner:We whip it up, it's light, it's airy. People will go crazy for it. And then there's the chicken ice cream. Savory chicken ice cream.

George:I... I don't think people want chicken ice cream.

Steinbrenner:George, you're thinking small. We'll have a chicken potpourri station. Chicken smoothies. A giant rotating chicken on the roof visible from the highway.

Steinbrenner:We'll soak the chicken in a vat of bourbon for three weeks. The chicken absorbs the alcohol, becomes tender, and by the time it reaches the table, it's practically cooking itself from the inside out.

Steinbrenner:It's not just poultry, it's a beverage.

Kramer:Yeah, I got some garbage I need to dump.

Dump Worker:We don't take that.

Kramer:What do you mean you don't take it? This is a garbage dump!

Dump Worker:We don't take garbage.

Mary Anne:So let me get this straight. You're saying you were traded?

George:That's right. I was traded for a player to be named later, two minor league prospects, and a bag of baseballs.

Mary Anne:A bag of baseballs?

George:Yeah, well, they were slightly used.

Original Owner:Those are my clothes!

George:These are not your clothes.

Original Owner:I recognize my own shirt!

George:You're mistaken. These are completely different clothes.

Jerry:I'm not worried about the chest hair itself. I'm worried about being caught scratching it in public.

Jerry:That's the real nightmare. Someone sees you and they think, 'Oh, there's a guy with chest hair problems.'

Kramer:I don't know anything about muffin tops!

Jerry:Oh, that feels... I mean, the dog looks happy.

Alex:He loves being petted. Here, you try.

Jerry:Oh no, that's okay, I couldn't—

Alex:Come on, just pet him.

Jerry:Well... if you insist.

George:My life is falling apart. I'm living in my parents' house, I have no job, no prospects, and I'm still a virgin.

George:I'm back where I started. This is it. This is the bottom.

George:So I guess things aren't going so well.

Mary Anne:Going so well? George, we broke up!

George:Yeah, well, I wouldn't say it's all bad. I mean, I still have my health.

Elaine:So what happened with the rental car guy?

Mr. Lippman:Well, he wouldn't return it. So I told him he had to pay the late fee.

Elaine:And?

Mr. Lippman:He refused. So I had to take matters into my own hands.

Elaine:What do you mean?

Mr. Lippman:I called my cousin Vinny. He knows people. We got the car back.

Elaine:Your cousin Vinny? Mr. Lippman, that's—

Mr. Lippman:Problem solved. Sometimes you gotta go outside the system.

The Cleaner:You got a problem, I solve it. That's what I do.

The Cleaner:These muffin stumps... they're a liability. You understand that?

The Cleaner:By tomorrow morning, there's no muffin stumps, there's no evidence, there's nothing.