The Calzone

Jerry:You ever notice how auto shops put down those protective paper mats on the floor? Like they're saying 'We're very clean here.' But then the mechanic comes out looking like he just crawled through an engine block.

Jerry:So what's the point of the mat? You're not fooling anybody. The mat doesn't make you clean. The mat just makes you look like you're trying to be clean while you're covered in grease.

Jerry:The more professional they look, the more they'll overcharge you.

Steinbrenner:George, I need you to handle the reimbursements for the team. Make sure the trainer gets paid back for the cigarettes and shakes he bought.

George:Wait, the trainer? Not the players?

Steinbrenner:That's right. The trainer was reimbursed for cigarettes and shakes, not the players.

Steinbrenner:Costanza! What have you done?!

George:What? I just filed the papers like you said.

Steinbrenner:Like I SAID?! You filed them in TRIPLICATE! Do you know what you've done to this organization?!

George:You said to file them...

Steinbrenner:I said file them ONCE! ONE TIME! Now we have three copies floating around like some kind of bureaucratic nightmare!

Steinbrenner:Costanza! What was that assignment I gave you?

George:You... you don't remember?

Steinbrenner:Of course I remember. I'm just testing you.

Peterman:I was in the Peace Corps, you know. I was stationed in Africa, and I started making clothes for the natives. That's where the whole thing began.

Peterman:I created the Pygmy pullover. It was a revolutionary garment — form-fitting, practical, culturally sensitive.

Peterman:You know, Kennedy's golf clubs were a symbol of Camelot itself. The grace, the elegance, the promise of a new era...

Elaine:Whatever.

Jerry:You know, LBJ used to conduct meetings from the bathroom. He'd just sit there on the toilet and make important decisions about the country.

Elaine:That's disgusting.

Jerry:Well, I guess when you're the President, you don't have time to wait. You just multitask.

George:You know, LBJ used to conduct meetings in the bathroom. He'd sit there for hours.

Elaine:That's disgusting.

Kramer:No, no, it made him think. Something about the bathroom, it loosened him up.

Jerry:So what, he's planning military operations sitting on the toilet?

George:Exactly! Vietnam strategy, right there on the seat.

Elaine:That explains a lot about the war.

Kramer:I had Thai food last night. I've been planning military operations in there for three hours.

George:So what you're saying is... the thing with the... you know, the stuff?

Jerry:George, I have no idea what you're talking about.

George:Right, right, exactly. That's what I was thinking too.

Jerry:You weren't listening at all, were you?

George:Of course I was listening! I heard every word. The thing, the stuff... it was great.

Kramer:The steering wheel fell off.

Kramer:I lost it.

Kramer:I'm not paying to recycle! They should be paying me!

Jerry:Kramer, you get the deposit back when you return the bottles.

Kramer:Oh, so I give them the bottles and they give me money? That's fantastic!

Jerry:Yes, that's how it works.

Kramer:So I can just keep buying bottles and returning them over and over? I'm gonna be rich!

Jerry:No, no—you have to buy the bottle first.

Kramer:Right, right. So I buy a bottle, drink it, return it, get my deposit back, then buy another bottle...

Jerry:Yes.

Kramer:With the money I got from returning the first bottle!

Jerry:What's the deal with all these homeless people collecting bottles?

Kramer:They're crazy, Jerry. They're just crazy.

Jerry:Wait, so bottles are worth different amounts in different states?

Kramer:Five cents here, ten cents there. It adds up.

Jerry:So what you're saying is... I could buy bottles in one state, drive them to another state, and cash them in for a profit?

Kramer:Now you're thinking like an entrepreneur!

Jerry:This is it. This is how I'm gonna make my fortune. Bottle arbitrage. I'm gonna need a truck.

Newman:It's a multi-tiered marketing system. You see, we collect the bottles, we consolidate them at a distribution hub, we establish routes, we incentivize the carriers with a small percentage of the action.

Jerry:Newman, it's bottles.

Newman:It's a *business*, Jerry. We have overhead, we have logistics, we have personnel.

Newman:I tried it, Jerry. I really did.

Jerry:And?

Newman:It doesn't work. I've analyzed it from every conceivable angle - the weight distribution, the trajectory, the timing. I even made a chart.

Jerry:A chart?

Newman:Yes! A detailed chart. But no matter what I do, it fails. Every single time.

Elaine:That's the guy! That's the one who always eats those Andes mints and picks his nose in public.

Sue Ellen:Are you here to observe?

Jerry:Yeah, that's exactly why we're here.

Newman:You see, according to DOT regulations, bottles must be transported in containers rated for hazardous materials. The weight distribution has to be perfect, or the whole load shifts. I've been studying this for weeks.

Auctioneer:And here we have President Kennedy's personal golf clubs, used on the morning of the Bay of Pigs invasion.

Auctioneer:Do I hear five hundred? Five hundred, five hundred... Thank you, the gentleman with the toupee in the back. Six hundred? Six hundred from the lady with the large posterior.

Jerry:What is going on here? My groceries are under the hood of my car?

Jerry:Who does this? Who puts groceries under a car hood?

Jerry:This is insane. My milk is going to be hot. My bread is going to be crushed. What is wrong with people?

Jerry:So I'm driving along, and I realize there's bacon grease all over the engine. Somehow a piece of toast got wedged in the air filter. The car's running worse than my love life.

Jerry:I open the hood and there's scrambled eggs... actual scrambled eggs... baked onto the manifold. It's like someone tried to cook breakfast directly on my engine block.

Tony:What do we have here? A 1989 Saab 900. Beautiful machine.

Tony:You take care of this car, it'll take care of you.

Jerry:Yeah, well, I just need the oil changed.

Tony:Oil changed? This car needs more than that. This car needs love. This car needs attention.

Tony:You can't just drive around in a car like this without understanding what it means to have a car like this.

Tony:Have you been picking at the shift knob?

Jerry:No, I haven't been picking at the shift knob.

Tony:Are you sure?

Jerry:Yes, I'm sure.

Tony:You know, people don't realize the importance of tire rotation. Studies show that if you don't rotate your tires every 5,000 to 7,000 miles, you have a 73% chance of experiencing uneven wear patterns that could potentially affect your vehicle's handling characteristics by up to 0.003 inches per rotation cycle.

Elaine:I got caught up in the moment! Sue Ellen Mischke was standing right there in that bra-less dress, and I just... I couldn't let her win! It was like a primal thing. She was flaunting it, and I had to show her that I could outbid her. I mean, who does she think she is?

George:So what am I supposed to do here?

George:I mean, how do I even start?

George:Wait, so you're telling me I have to actually manage the payroll system?

George:Me? I don't know anything about payroll!

George:Oh my God, oh my God. They're going to find out I have no idea what I'm doing.

George:This is it. This is how it ends. I'm going to prison for payroll fraud.

George:I'm very busy. I don't have time to explain things to people. That's why I need you to explain the project to someone who can explain it to me.

George Costanza:What did Wilhelm tell the payroll guy?

Payroll Guy:He said you wanted to know about your withholdings.

George Costanza:I didn't want to know about my withholdings. I was confused!

Payroll Guy:Sure you were.

Newman:The holidays! That's it! Christmas! We'll use the mail truck!

Kramer:Newman, you're a genius!

Newman:Mother's Day, Elaine. The busiest mail day of the year. It's the mother of all mail days.

Kramer:That's genius, Newman. That's absolute genius.

Newman:Thank you.

Kramer:You know, this is like a military operation. We're gonna go in there, we're gonna get those bottles, and we're gonna get out. Nobody's gonna know what hit 'em.

Wilhelm:You know, George, sometimes the answer is right in front of you.

George:What are you talking about? Just tell me what to do.

Wilhelm:Don't worry, be happy.

George:You know, I've been thinking about this all wrong. These song lyrics, they're telling me something.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

George:Every time I hear a song mention a place - a diner, a street corner, a convenience store - that's a job opportunity I'm missing!

Jerry:George, songs aren't career guidance.

George:Why not? 'Bette Davis Eyes' - that's about observation. 'Born to Be Wild' - that's about attitude. And 'Nighttime' references? That's the night shift at 7-Eleven!

Jerry:You're going to base your entire job search on song lyrics?

George:It's working! I've already applied to three Wawas and a Speedway. The universe is speaking to me through the radio, Jerry!

Kramer:Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it! Let the collecting begin!

Tony:You use quick-lube oil? Quick-lube?!

Jerry:What's wrong with quick-lube oil?

Tony:What's wrong? What's wrong?! You might as well pour liquid candy in your engine!

Jerry:It's oil, Tony. It's all the same.

Tony:All the same? All the same?! Do you know what quick-lube oil does to your engine? It breaks down! It oxidizes! Your engine's gonna seize up like a fist!

Jerry:So what do you use?

Tony:Pennzoil. Full synthetic. Mobil 1. You gotta respect your engine, Jerry.

Jerry:The washer fluid is fine. I just filled it up last month.

Tony:Last month? Jerry, you can't go that long without checking it. You need to check it every week.

Jerry:Every week? It's washer fluid, not a newborn baby.

Tony:You know what? Forget it. Just forget it. You're gonna ruin that car.

Jerry:I left the clubs in the car because I didn't want to carry them in. The mechanic said, 'You can't leave those clubs here.' I said, 'Why not?' He said, 'Because I'm not taking responsibility for them.' I said, 'What are you, Solomon? You want to split the clubs in half?'

Detective:We've noticed a pattern with these car thefts. The perpetrator seems to have an unhealthy attachment to mechanics.

Detective:We're thinking of classifying it as a psychological disorder. We're calling it 'Mechanic Dependency Syndrome.'

Detective:The suspect can't go more than a few days without visiting a repair shop. It's become compulsive.

Detective:Do you ever wash your car?

Jerry:I don't have to wash my car! It's my car, I can do whatever I want with it!

Jerry:Well, I wash it sometimes.

George:I don't know how it happened, but suddenly I'm very successful at work. It's like I woke up one day and everything changed.

George:And you know what? I don't even care anymore. It's all just... *singing* 'Don't worry, 'bout a thing, 'cause every little thing gonna be alright.'

Elderly Man:This is beautiful work. Who did your garden?

Steinbrenner's Father:I did it myself.

Elderly Man:Well, you did a wonderful job.

Steinbrenner's Father:Thank you.

Elderly Man:How long have you been gardening?

Steinbrenner's Father:Oh, about thirty years.

Elderly Man:It shows. This is really impressive.

Steinbrenner's Father:Well, I appreciate that. But to be honest with you, I don't remember doing any of this.

Kramer:Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer...

Newman:Take one down, pass it around...

Kramer:Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall!

Jerry:I want my car back.

Tony:Your car? This is my car now. I've put too much into this relationship.

Jerry:Relationship? It's a car!

Tony:A car I've loved and nurtured. We've been through things together.

Kramer:They're following Tony.

Jerry:Following him? Why would they be following him?

Kramer:Because he stinks! He's got stink on him like a... like a monkey!

Newman:Watch out! Incoming recyclables!

Steinbrenner:You know, George, there's no shame in seeing a psychiatrist. I've been going to Dr. Whatley for years.

George:Really?

Steinbrenner:Oh yeah. He completely cured me of my fear of flying. Now I can fly anywhere.

George:That's great.

Steinbrenner:The only problem is, now I have an uncontrollable urge to have sex with the flight attendants.

George:Wait, wait, wait! You don't understand! I'm not crazy! I'm a reasonable man! I have a job, I have an apartment, I'm dating a beautiful woman!

George:Okay, yes, I lied about my job, and I'm not really dating her, and the apartment is my parents' basement, but that doesn't make me insane!

George:I'm perfectly sane! I think about things logically! Just because I worry about everything doesn't mean I'm paranoid!

George:And sure, I talk to myself sometimes, but who doesn't? Normal people do that! It's completely normal to argue with yourself about whether the marble rye is worth the trip to the bakery!

George:Let me go! You're all conspiring against me! This is a setup! A SETUP!

Farmer:You can stay here as long as you need. My daughter's upstairs if you get hungry.

Farmer:But I'm warning you - she's a very light sleeper.

Kramer:Yeah, yeah! Come on! You gotta do better than that!

Kramer:Is that all you got? Come on!

Farmer's Daughter:I love Newman!

Peterman:I had no idea JFK had such a temper.

Elaine:Well, you know, he didn't have a very good golf swing.

Jerry · George:I just found out today my insurance doesn't cover it. Why not? They don't consider it stolen if you wilfully give the guy the keys.

Detective:Watch where you step. There's quite a bit of grease.

Elaine · Detective:We used to date but now we're just friends. I see. You know.

Detective:The block is nearly split apart. We found the overhead cams 30 feet away. We can only hope the body's sold for scrap. The angle on the V6 is definitely a '92.

Detective:Whoever did this didn't just dismantle it. They took their time, they had fun, they were very systematic. They went out of the way to gouge the sides of every piston. And the turbo was separated from the housing and shoved right up the exhaust pipe.

Jerry · Detective · Elaine · Woman:Wait a second. Turbo? I didn't have a turbo. Your car is not a turbo? No, it's a 900 S. It's a turbo, Elaine. A turbo! Excuse me. Did you say 'Turbo'? Saab Turbo 9000? Is it midnight blue? Yes, ma'am.

Newman · Kramer:9999 bottles and cans in the truck / 9999 bottles and cans / At $0.10 a bottle and $0.10 a can / We're pulling in $500 a man

Tony:That registration may have your name on it, Jerry, but this engine's running on my sweat and my blood.

Kramer · Newman:How much gas we got? Three quarters of a tank. Better than we estimated. Seven dollars and 22 cents better. Oh, baby.

Newman · Kramer:Maybe we could stop for a snack. No, that's not in the budget. Well, the budget changed, you know. I mean, it might be a good investment. That's not a good investment. That's a loss.

Newman · Kramer:Hey, you see that car? It looks like Jerry's. I'm gonna check out that license plate. Yeah, those are New York plates. Is that Jerry's number? I don't know. But that's New York and we're in Ohio. Those are pretty good odds.

Kramer:We're right on this guy like stink on a monkey.

Kramer · Jerry:Yeah, he's gonna be going south on the 135. Keep following him. All right. I'll follow him. We can't. We're going north to Michigan.

Newman:My planning, my genius, all for naught.

Kramer · Newman:Keep your foot on the gas. Hey, you're not dumping those bottles back there, are you? Kramer, those have wholesale value. We can cut our losses. Bottles below!

Steinbrenner:I got a flash for you, young man. You're non compos mentis. You got some bats in the belfry. Come in here, George. This is Herb and Dan. They're gonna take you to where you can get some help. Very friendly people there. My brother-in-law was there. Man was obsessed with lactating women. They cured him. Although he eats a lot of cheese.

George · Steinbrenner:But you see-- You see, I didn't write that report. That's not mine. Of course you didn't. You didn't write it. I didn't do it! It just got done! I don't know how it got done but it did! Of course, it got done. Things get done all the time. I understand. Your job will be waiting for you when you get back. Get better, George! Get better!

Steinbrenner:Steinbrenner: 'My brother-in-law was there. Man was obsessed with lactating women. They cured him. Although he eats a lot of cheese.'

Kramer:Man, I don't understand this. I ditched every bottle and can, and we still can't gain. It's like we're... sluggish. We collected all those bottles and all those cans for what? What a waste.

Newman · Kramer:I'm really gonna catch hell for those missing mailbags. Hey, wasn't that a pie stand back there? A pie stand? Oh, yeah. Homemade pies, 200 yards back. Oh, come on, pull over. Pull over, will you?

Newman · Kramer:I don't see any pie. Well, open the door. You'll get a better look. I don't see any pie. Kramer! I'm sorry, Newman, you were holding us back. Kramer!

Kramer:Jerry, we've lost the fat man and we're running lean. We're back on track, buddy.

Newman:Federal employee.

Newman:I'm a U.S. postal worker, and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods, mail-hating survivalists.

Farmer:This farm ain't much, but you're welcome to what we have. Hot bath, hearty meal, clean bed. I just have one rule. Keep your hands off my daughter.

Kramer · Elaine:It's a golf club. There's no gun. He threw a golf club at me! Those are JFK's golf clubs.

Kramer:Hey, I'm under fire. I'm under heavy fire here.

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:Jeez, there goes a five-iron. Stop the truck, Kramer. Pick up the clubs. No, don't stop, Kramer. Keep going. Don't let him get away. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I think he's done. Oh, no, he's taking out the woods!

Farmer · Newman:That cider too strong for you? No, no, I love strong cider. I'm a big strong-cider guy.

Farmer · Newman:Gonna milk the Holsteins in the morning, if you'd lend a hand. You know, I don't know much about-- I don't think I know much about that. Susie will teach you. Just gotta pull on the teets a little. It's nice having a big, strong man around.

Newman:You know, those mailbags, they get mighty heavy. I Nautilus, of course.

Newman:Can I have some gravy?

George:Steinbrenner had me committed! I'm in the nuthouse. They took my belt, Jerry. I got nothing to hold my pants up.

Deena · George:George, this is the best thing for you. No, no, Deena. Deena, wait! Deena, help!

George · Inmate:At the psychiatric facility, a former acquaintance spots George: 'Is that little Georgie C? How's the folks? You still got that nice little car?' — delivered by another inmate

Patient:Is that little Georgie C? How's the folks? You still got that nice little car?

Farmer · Farmer's Daughter · Newman:I told you to keep away from my daughter. No, Daddy, you'll hurt him. I love him. Goodbye, Norman! Goodbye!

Peterman:I'll be inaugurating them this weekend with none other than Ethel Kennedy. A woman whose triumph in the face of tragedy is exceeded only by her proclivity to procreate.

Peterman · Elaine:Peterman examines the clubs and notices damage. Elaine produces 'the letter of authenticity' from the side pocket — but the clubs have clearly been used as weapons.

Peterman · Elaine:Elaine. I never knew Kennedy had such a temper. Oh, yeah. The only thing worse was his slice.

Peterman · Elaine:Peterman: 'I never knew Kennedy had such a temper.' / Elaine: 'Oh, yeah. The only thing worse was his slice.'