The Wig Master

Jerry:Why is there a tip jar everywhere now? I went to a store to buy a lightbulb. A lightbulb! The guy behind the counter points to a tip jar. What am I tipping for? You took it off the shelf. It was right there.

Jerry:What is a tip? A tip is like, extra money you give someone. It's not obligatory, it's a gift. Why do I have to give you a gift for doing your job? That's the job.

Jerry:You know what a tip should be for? A tip should be for something above and beyond. Not just doing what you're supposed to do.

Jerry:I went to a coffee place the other day, the guy hands me my coffee, I hand him a dollar. He goes, 'Oh, thank you.' Like I just gave him a kidney. I turned around. That's it. I turned around.

Jerry:So now tipping is for not being attacked? What's next, I go to a restaurant, the waiter comes over with a gun, 'You gonna tip me or do I shoot?'

Jerry:That's what we've come to. Tips used to mean something. 'Oh, that was great service, here's a little extra.' Now it's extortion. 'Give me money or I'll spit in your food.'

Jerry:Thank you for not stabbing me in the throat with a corkscrew. Thank you for not tying me up and leaving me in the trunk of your car. Thank you for not removing my organs and selling them on the black market. I really appreciate that.

George:You know, we could extend these doors down to the floor. Give people a little privacy.

Steinbrenner:That's it! That's genius! We'll extend the doors. But wait, what if someone gets trapped in there? They could suffocate! We need air holes. No, no, air holes make it look like a submarine. I served in the war, you know. We had a man get stuck in the torpedo room once. Horrible. Just horrible.

George:Sir, I was just—

Steinbrenner:No, no, it's done. We're extending the doors. Extend them all! This is what leadership looks like!

Steinbrenner:What is that?

George:It's a calzone.

Steinbrenner:A calzone? Why are you eating a calzone?

George:I was hungry.

Steinbrenner:You're always eating. You're like a little dog. Good boy! Good boy! Now get me one of those.

Steinbrenner:This is an amazing calzone. Where did you get this?

Steinbrenner:Cancel the meeting. Cancel it. I'm gonna go back to my office and finish this calzone.

Elaine:I won twenty bucks from Kramer because he said he could go a whole week without saying the word 'the.' He made it three days.

Jerry:So Dustin Hoffman as Darth Vader? I'm trying to picture this. Dustin Hoffman is like five-foot-nothing, and Darth Vader is this imposing, seven-foot figure in all black. He walks into a room, everyone trembles. Dustin Hoffman walks in, people go, 'Is that the caterer?'

Kramer:These are warm!

Jerry:Yeah, they just came out of the dryer.

Kramer:Can I have some of your stuff in my dryer?

Kramer:Come on, just feel it. Feel how warm it is.

Elaine:No, Kramer, I'm not feeling your pants.

Kramer:You don't understand. These are special pants. The warmth is incredible.

Elaine:I don't care how warm they are.

Kramer:Just one feel. One little feel and you'll see what I'm talking about.

Jerry:She's bold and beautiful.

Jerry:Like the soap opera.

George:You see, the key is in the way you eat it. You fold it, you see? Like this. It's not just a pocket of pita bread, it's a delivery system. A revolutionary delivery system.

Steinbrenner:You lose something, it's gone. That's it. No lost and found. You know why? Because people are careless. And I don't reward carelessness.

Jerry:You know who should play Luke Skywalker? Dustin Hoffman.

Todd:Dustin Hoffman? He's too short!

Jerry:Well, what about Carrot Top as Han Solo?

Todd:Carrot Top? Are you insane?

Jerry:And Phyllis Diller as Princess Leia.

Todd:This is ridiculous.

Jerry:With Bea Arthur as Darth Vader.

Jerry:There's no way you can get tickets to that show. It's been sold out for months.

Nicki:Watch this.

Nicki:I'm calling the box office right now.

Jerry:Good luck with that.

Nicki:Hi, yes, I'm looking for two tickets to... uh-huh... tomorrow night... perfect, we'll take them. Thank you.

Nicki:Done.

Jerry:How did you... what did you do?

Nicki:I just asked. Apparently they always hold a few back.

George:The Yankees are implementing my lost and found idea!

Jerry:Oh sure, they've created a utopia at Yankee Stadium.

George:It's like a drug deal. He's the addict, I'm the dealer. I control the supply, I control him.

George:I put a dollar in the tip jar. The guy didn't even see it. He looked away right when I did it.

Jerry:So what's the problem?

George:What's the problem? I did a good deed and nobody saw it! It's like it never happened!

Jerry:George, a good deed is a good deed whether someone sees it or not.

George:No, no, no. The whole point of doing a good deed is so people know you did it. Otherwise, what's the point?

George:You know, the thing about these tip jars is nobody ever acknowledges the tip. You put money in, and nothing. No thank you, no nod, no recognition whatsoever.

Jerry:What do you want them to do?

George:I don't know, something! It's like being invisible. You might as well be a blind person putting money in a tip jar — at least they have an excuse for not seeing you.

Jerry:You give to the blind?

George:I give to the blind, the crippled, and the kids. But I draw the line at the deaf.

Jerry:She's like a monster. She destroys everything in her path. She comes into a room, it's like Godzilla stomping through downtown Tokyo. 'Oh no, here she comes!' Buildings are falling, people are running, screaming. And I'm like a tiny building. I'm like a little office building, and she just steps on me, crushes me, and moves on to the next city.

Kramer:You know, I'm a little short. You got any change?

Jerry:Kramer, what do you need money for? Don't you have a job?

Kramer:Well, I gotta pay my rent.

Jerry:Your rent? I thought you lived on my couch.

Kramer:I do live on your couch. That's my rent.

Jerry:So Todd's betting strategy is basically: he places bets, but he frames it as a legal technicality so when he loses, he can argue it doesn't count.

Jerry:It's the perfect loophole. He's not really betting, he's just... exploring the gray area of what constitutes a wager.

Elaine:You never walk me home.

Jerry:What do you mean? I walk you home.

Elaine:No you don't. You walk me to the corner, and then you turn back.

Jerry:Well, the corner is pretty much your block.

Elaine:Jerry, you're a very selfish person.

Elaine:You're crazy.

Jerry:Crazy like a fox.

George:You know, I've been thinking about something. My name is Costanza. That's Italian.

Calzone Shop Owner:Yes, I know.

George:And you're... you're Italian too, right?

Calzone Shop Owner:Yes.

George:So we're like... we're practically family! We should be friends. We could do things together. Get some pasta, maybe catch a Knicks game.

Calzone Shop Owner:I don't think so.

George:I left a twenty dollar bill on the table for the waitress.

Antonio:You stole from us?

George:No, no, it's a tip! It's for good service.

Antonio:You leave money at a crime scene, we call the police.

Steinbrenner:I have a very strict routine. Every morning, I wake up at 6 AM sharp. I have exactly two cups of coffee, black, no sugar. Then I read the sports section for exactly 12 minutes. Then I have my breakfast.

Steinbrenner:The same breakfast every single day: a bowl of plain oatmeal and a cup of grapefruit juice. But here's the thing - I eat the oatmeal with a fork.

Steinbrenner:Not a spoon. A fork. My wife thinks I'm crazy, but consistency is what separates the winners from the losers in this world.

Steinbrenner:I'm watching you, and you're eating this thing, and it's like watching a magic trick. The bowl just... disappears.

Steinbrenner:You eat the bowl! It's brilliant!

Elaine:Todd, this bet is completely insane. You're betting me that you can go a whole week without checking your phone?

Todd:Yeah, what's so crazy about that?

Elaine:What's so crazy? Todd, you check your phone more than you blink. I've seen you walk into fountains because you were texting.

Todd:That was one time.

Elaine:It was three times. In one day. At the same fountain.

Jerry:I was going faster before!

Nicki:Officer, I have to say, you look absolutely stunning in that uniform.

Officer:Well, thank you.

Jerry:She's good.

Kramer:I'm using your oven to heat my clothes.

Jerry:Yeah, that's convenient. For you.

Jerry:Peru? They're from Peru? I thought they were Cuban cigars.

Jerry:Peru... So what, they're like a dollar a box down there? People are just smoking them like cigarettes?

Jerry:I bet in Peru they use them to light other cigars. 'Hey, got a light?' 'Yeah, here's a cigar.'

Jerry:Todd? What kind of name is Todd? It sounds like something a WASPy guy would name his son. Like, 'We're gonna call him Todd because we have no culture.'

George:Mr. Steinbrenner is going to fire me. He's going to come in here and fire me.

George:I can feel it. It's like when you know you're going to sneeze. There's that little warning, and I've got the warning.

George:I'm like one big nose hair away from getting fired.

George:So what do you do when someone at work tries to show you up?

Jerry:I don't know, I've never had a job.

Jerry:You can't just heat fabric like it's a food ingredient. You need to treat it with respect.

Kramer:What are you talking about? It's just cloth.

Jerry:Just cloth? Kramer, fabric has feelings. You're basically torturing it.

Newman:George is a bald-faced liar. He's the worst kind of friend. You know why? Because he'll never admit anything!

Newman:He just keeps piling on the lies, and he expects me to go along with it. We've known each other for years, and what do we have to show for it? Nothing! Absolutely nothing!

Newman:It's all just pointless time-wasting. That's what our friendship is.

Newman:I want the big salad.

George:The big salad?

Newman:Yes. A big salad. With lots of vegetables and croutons. I want it delivered to my office by tomorrow at noon.

George:Newman, that's extortion!

Newman:I prefer to think of it as a 'gratuity adjustment for services rendered.'

Todd:It's not a date. I'm just going out with my parents on Saturday night.

Elaine:So what, they're just... what, they're your parents?

Elaine:All right. Well, good night. — Now, what is that?

George:Newman, you're a postal worker. Isn't there some kind of code? 'Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night...'

Newman:Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just something we say.

Kramer:My clothes are all heated up from the pizza oven.

Pizza Place Owner:What? Your clothes were in my oven?

Kramer:Yeah, I needed them warmed up.

Pizza Place Owner:That's a pizza oven! You can't put clothes in there!

Kramer:Why not? It's hot, isn't it?

Pizza Place Owner:It's for food! For calzones!

Kramer:Well, my clothes needed heating. What's the difference?

Kramer:I got it all right here. Exact change.

Cashier:Sir, that's... that's a lot of coins.

Kramer:It's exact. Count it.

Cashier:I'm not counting all that.

Kramer:Well I'm not leaving until you do.

Cashier:Then I guess you're not leaving.

Kramer:Fine by me. I got nowhere to be.

Manager:What's the problem here?

Kramer:This man won't take my money.

Manager:Sir, we can't accept this much change.

Kramer:It's legal tender!

Jerry:Your clothes smell like a calzone.

Kramer:Yeah, well, I was at Poppie's all day trying to get the thing right.

Jerry:Kramer, you can't just hang around a restaurant oven. You're gonna absorb the smell.

Kramer:It's worth it. That calzone is gonna be perfect.

Jerry:Your shirt is permanently a mozzarella stick now.

Steinbrenner:What is that smell? Security! We have a breach! Someone has brought food into my office!

Steinbrenner:Lock down the building. I want every employee checked as they leave. Nobody eats in my presence without my knowledge!

Jerry:These aren't real Cuban cigars. They're fake.

Jerry:You know what fake Cuban cigars are like? They're like eating chicken feet.

Jerry:So what's his name again?

Kramer:Todd.

Jerry:Todd? That's it? Just Todd?

Kramer:That's what I said when you guessed it!

Steinbrenner:Heated clothes? That's brilliant! We'll have the entire team wearing them. Full uniform rollout by next season.

Steinbrenner:I'm talking heated jerseys, heated pants, heated socks. We'll be the first team in baseball with temperature-controlled apparel.

Steinbrenner:The Yankees will never be cold again. We'll dominate every game, every season. This is it. This is how we win.

Steinbrenner:I'm telling you, these heated uniforms are going to revolutionize baseball. Our players will be warm, comfortable, and ready to win!

Steinbrenner:You know what? I can already smell the championship.

George:Mr. Steinbrenner, that's just the uniforms burning.

Kramer:This is all burned up. Look at this. What the hell do I know about cooking a shirt?

Kramer · Antonio:What the hell is this? Pennies? — Yeah. — You're paying in change? — That's all I got. — No, you've got to have bills, paper money. You can't pay with this. — That's all I got. — Then you got no calzones.

Kramer · George:He wouldn't give them to me because I wanted to pay in change. / What the hell happened to your shirt? / He overcooked it.

George:Your clothes smell just like Paisano's.

George:There's another Italian place on Jerome. Maybe I can fool him.

Steinbrenner:I haven't had a pimple since I was 18. I don't care if you believe me. And how's this? You're fired. Okay, you're not. I'm just a little hungry. I'm sorry.

Steinbrenner:That smell. I know that smell. He's in the building. Costanza is in the building. And he's not in this office. He's got the calzone! Costanza! I catch you, I'm killing you, Costanza!

Jerry:Stupid cigars. If I didn't send Nicki over to Todd with these, they never would have gotten together. These are terrible. It's like trying to smoke a chicken bone.

Jerry:Stupid cigars. If I didn't send Nicki over to Todd with these, they never would have gotten together. These are terrible. It's like trying to smoke a chicken bone.

Jerry · Kramer:What kind of a name is Todd Gack anyway? — I think it's Dutch.

Jerry · Kramer:But she dumped you. — I know, I know. But somehow she explained it to me, I couldn't say no.

Jerry · Kramer:Smells like a rubber fire. — What's that? — I said 'rubber fire.'

Kramer · Todd:Hey, you Gack? — Yeah. — Yeah, here's your money. [Kramer pays Todd with the coin pile]

Steinbrenner:What did he do with it? It's gotta be here. I'm not crazy. I can smell it.

Steinbrenner:What did he do with it? It's gotta be here. I'm not crazy. I can smell it.

Steinbrenner · George:These clothes. Costanza, how come these clothes smell like calzones? — My friend put them in the pizza oven. — Put them in a pizza oven? What for? — To heat them up.

Steinbrenner:That is not a bad idea. What about this? We'll put all the uniforms in pizza ovens before the game. That's fantastic. Keep those muscles loosey-goosey. This could be big. Clean up this mess, will you? Big Stein's onto something. I smell a pennant!