The Gang F***s Up Abbott Elementary

I can't believe these shitheads forgot they were mic'd.

Dennis:How is a school a gold mine?

Frank:Copper piping. Thousands and thousands of yards of it.

Dee:Did you guys know that Black people can't get lice?

Dennis:Dee, that's, like, crazy racist.

Dee:No, no, no. That's just science. It's the lice who are racist.

Janine:Mmm. I need to say a bad word.

Camera crew:It's okay.

Janine:Yeah.

Camera crew:Yeah?

Janine:I'm gonna. It's real bad.

Camera crew:How much of a total fucking cunt she was.

Camera operator:I thought you was gonna call her a bitch.

Janine:No. I didn't feel that was strong enough. - Bitch can be a very fine dog. That is not what this woman is.

Mac:You. You.

Dennis:You.

Mac:No, you.

Dennis:It's definitely you.

Mac:Right now. One, two, three. You.

Dee:I'll steal her man. I'll expose her for the dud she is. What do you think? Let's work together.

Mac:Hey, dude. Pfft. This place is the worst, man. They're, like, totally, like, trying to teach me to read and stuff.

Charlie:I'm like Walter White over here.

Frank:Yeah. I bought a racoon in to keep that janitor busy.

Teacher:Are you pissing in that locker?

Charlie:Oh, it's the coffee. I drank so much coffee.

Mac:It goes right through you, yeah.

Mac:I think white people aren't supposed to help Black people anymore. Right?

Dennis:No. That's a misunderstanding.

Mac:St. Joe's is predominantly white teams, so we're helping the basketball team. We're helping a white school, so it's fine.

Dennis:St. Joe's is predominantly white teams, so we're helping the basketball team. We're helping a white school, so it's fine.

Dennis:What's it gonna take to convince you to leave a place like this and come with us? We may have access to a Lexus if you wanna joyride.

Mac:You like joyriding?

Dennis:Vroom, vroom.

Mac:Don't think we didn't try. He's trash.

Jacob:A basketball recruit? Oh, thank God. My mind was going to terrible places.

Charlie:The kids don't know anything about it, man.

Charlie:They don't know what it is.

Charlie:I heard a couple of 'em joking, and they were sharing funny, like, Internet memes. And they were, like, 'Oh, yeah. Oh, that? I know that Internet joke thing.'

Charlie:It's 9/11, man.

What-What-What?

What about 9/11?

Charlie:The kids don't know anything about it, man.

Mac:Golf's not for sale, dude. The purest sport in the history of humanity? What's next, football?

Dennis:What's next, football?

Frank:The purest sport in the history of humanity? What happened to 'never forget'?

Dennis:I mean, steel would not melt at that temperature.

Mac:You try it.

Dennis:A missile sent by our own government is probably what it was.

Charlie:I'm starting to think there wasn't even towers, dude.

Mac:Has anybody seen the towers? With your own eyes, not a picture.

Charlie:They control the weather.

Mac:Yeah.

Charlie:With frogs. I saw that.

Dennis:They shoot frogs up there?

Charlie:They're throwing tornadoes at Florida.

Mac:Yeah. It creates a super storm.

Frank:The oranges. There's too many oranges.

Mac:My main concern is he's coming off like kind of a nerd. You know we've already got our nerd. - We need a bad boy.

Dennis:Hey, Steven, would you say you're a bad boy?

Steven:I don't know.

Dennis:You don't know? I feel like a bad boy would know if he was bad, right?

Mac:We got the ugly one that people feel sorry for, but we...

Dennis:He's so ugly too.

Mac:But he is uglier than...

Dennis:Maybe too ugly.

Mac:Because the bad boy makes the sexual component less weird.

Ava:Shit. I might frame 'em for another crime just to get their hours up.

Dee:I let that bitch kick my ass so that I could look like a victim. You think I couldn't kick her... She's tiny. I could destroy her. I'd rip her hair out. I'd rip this whole school bald if I wanted to.

Janine:I'm so sorry. I saw a mosquito.

Dennis:On the subject of Billy Joel with the scale being, one: 'I can't stand his music' to ten: 'I think he's the single greatest musician in the history of sound,' where do you place the man?

Melissa:Negative five.

Dennis:Negative five.

Melissa:But you know who is a massive fan?

Dennis:A hundred fifty. A million ten. Infinity.

♪ Price of copper Is on the rise ♪

Mac:You're telling me that an entire building is gonna melt to the ground but we can't even melt the bench?

Charlie:Oh! Oh, shit. It's going up the wall.

Teacher:Will you excuse us for a moment? We're gonna need a... We're just gonna need a minute.

Dennis:Is it to go listen to their version?

Teacher:No.

Dennis:Well then, no this is Billy Joel's song.

Janine:No, no. The band Fall Out Boy, they already did an update...

Dennis:Like, of this song. Changed all the lyrics and...

Charlie:Who's Fall Out Boy?

Dennis:Son of a bitch! Every goddamn time we try a single thing this goddamn Fall Out Boy!

Charlie:Always a step ahead of us! Fuckers!

Mac:Plus the eyeliner! That was my look.

Dennis:It was your look, Mac! That has been your look!

Ava:It reminded me of that verse on DMX's 'What You Want.' 'There was Brenda, LaTisha, Linda, Felicia.' I wasn't mad at it. It was a bop.

Chardonnay, please.

Gosh, we don't have a bottle already open.

Heineken.

Well, no imports though.

Jesus Christ. How about an iced tea?

I think we have ice.

Nope. You don't have ice.

We're off water altogether.

Dennis:You blindsided us with your heart

Janine:He must've ripped out about a hundred feet of copper. But on the bright side, the state was gonna make us move out some old pipes, so actually he saved us a few grand in construction costs.

Janine:I'm gonna lose my job if anyone sees this, so burn those tapes.