The Old Man

Jerry:You know, if people back then only lived to like 35, that means a 10-year-old was basically a teenager. A 15-year-old was an adult. So what does that make a 25-year-old? A middle-aged man! By that logic, I'm practically dead right now.

Jerry:You know what spring break is? It's just a casual throwaway explanation for why people moved to Florida in their late teens in ancient times. 'Oh, we're going to Florida for spring break.' No, you're moving there. You're not coming back. That's not a break, that's a relocation.

Jerry:People are always amazed at how alert old people are. 'Oh, he's 92 years old and he can still drive!' Yeah, well, a two-year-old can stand up and walk around. That doesn't mean we should give him the keys to a Buick.

George:Women won't date me because I'm bald. So I wear a toupee. Now they won't date me because I'm wearing a toupee. I can't win!

George:You know, I'm never going to find anyone. I'm going to die alone.

Jerry:Look on the bright side — you won't have to wait very long.

George:I want someone who doesn't speak English.

Jerry:What about a mute?

George:I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loving it!

Jerry:You're not loving it.

George:No, I'm not. I'm miserable.

George:I'm empty. I feel nothing.

George:It's like there's a void inside me. A complete and utter void.

George:I'm a shell. A hollow shell of a man.

George:There's nothing there. Nothing at all. Just emptiness. Endless, infinite emptiness.

Jerry:What gives you pleasure?

George:I don't know. Food, sex...

Jerry:And you know what gives me pleasure? Watching you suffer.

Jerry:I already do that with George.

Jerry:You know, maybe you could volunteer. You know, work with people, help people out.

George:Volunteer? What would I do?

Jerry:I don't know, work at a hospital, visit sick people.

George:Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah.

Jerry:You know what? I think you're just using this woman as practice for dealing with me.

Elaine:What kind of person are you?

Jerry:I'm the kind of person who... well, I'm not George.

George:What's that supposed to mean?

Jerry:It means you're a great guy, George. Really. But if I had to choose between being you and being literally anyone else... I'm choosing anyone else.

George:You think I'll make it to 85, 87?

Jerry:No.

Elaine:Hey guys, what's up? I'm all that and a bag of chips!

Jerry:What?

Elaine:You know, I'm down with the kids. I'm hip.

George:You're not hip.

Elaine:Yes I am! Word to your mother!

Kramer:Oh boy.

Kramer:You know, these senior citizen agencies, they're not what they seem. They get you in there under the guise of 'helping' the elderly, but really they're just building a database. They know where you are, what time you volunteer, who you talk to.

Kramer:It's all connected. The volunteer forms, the background checks - that's surveillance, my friend. They're tracking volunteerism patterns. Next thing you know, they got you on a list.

Kramer:I'm telling you, it's a setup. You think it's about helping old people read the newspaper? No. It's about control.

Jerry:Where do you get your information from?

Kramer:Oh, you know, I got my sources. A guy told me.

Jerry:A guy? What guy?

Kramer:Just a guy I know. He's very reliable.

George:So what happens if a postal worker goes crazy?

Newman:They go postal.

George:Exactly! They go postal!

Jerry:Why do you think postal workers go crazy?

Newman:You don't know the pressure! The mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming! There's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every single day it piles up, more and more and more!

Newman:And the customers, they don't care. They just keep mailing things. They don't think about where it goes or how it gets there. They just drop it in the box and walk away.

Newman:And then there's the sorting, the loading, the routes, the weather, the dogs! You're out there in all conditions with a bag on your shoulder that weighs a ton!

Newman:You see, the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every single day it piles up. More and more and more!

Newman:And then one day you realize you're not gonna make it. You're gonna die delivering mail.

Newman:Mr. Brock, these boxes... they're getting heavier. My hands, they don't work anymore. I can't feel my fingers.

Newman:The mail never stops! It just keeps coming and coming and coming! There's never a let-up — it's relentless! Every day, it piles up, more and more, and more! You gotta keep digging out, like some kind of miner! Like some kind of coal miner in Hell!

Jerry:Okay, okay, Newman, that's great, very compelling, very intense...

Newman:It's not a job, Jerry — it's a sickness!

Jerry:Okay, I'll take it. I'll take the mail route. Just please stop talking.

Newman:Five dollars? For my entire collection?

Kramer:Five dollars!

Newman:That's an insult!

Kramer:An insult!

Kramer:What are you talking about? Sergio Mendes is huge! He's enormous in Brazil!

Kramer:The guy's a legend. They name drinks after him.

Kramer:You know, you really should be more careful about who you mess with.

Newman:Oh yeah? Well maybe YOU should be more careful!

Kramer:What are you gonna do about it, Newman?

Newman:I'm... I'm gonna... Yeah, well maybe YOU should be more careful!

Jerry:The agency sent me.

Sid Fields:The CIA?

Jerry:Who let him in?

Sid Fields:My housekeeper. She's Senegalese.

Jerry:So?

Sid Fields:So? So she's probably running a white slavery ring out of my apartment! I'm telling you, these people, they come over here, they say they want to clean your house, next thing you know you're chained in a basement in Newark!

Jerry:I was just in the neighborhood, thought I'd stop by.

Sid Fields:In the neighborhood? Nobody comes to this neighborhood unless they're lost or they're casing the joint.

Jerry:I'm not casing anything. I just wanted to say hello.

Sid Fields:Hello? That's what they always say. 'Just saying hello.' Next thing you know, I'm dead. They take the TV, the stereo, maybe the good sheets.

Jerry:Sid, I'm not going to—

Sid Fields:You got an accomplice in the car, don't you? Two of you, very efficient. One keeps me talking, one goes through the drawers. You're probably wired. Is that a wire? That looks like a wire.

Sid Fields:Oh sure, take Einstein's records. What am I, chopped liver?

Jerry:Your friends would love these records.

Sid Fields:My friends? I'm not giving anything to my friends. All my life, I give and give to my family. Now you want me to give to my friends?

Jerry:Want to go for a walk?

Sid Fields:No.

Jerry:I'd love to stay, but I can't. I have to go home and feed my dog.

Sid:You have a dog?

Jerry:No, but I'm thinking about getting one, so I have to go home and get the house ready.

George:So you're telling me you've already won.

George:I'm at an age now where I think about death all the time.

George:By the time I'm sixty, I'll probably be thinking about it every five minutes.

George:And by seventy, it's gonna be all death, all the time.

George:I'll be walking around, 'Death, death, death, death...'

George:You know what the difference is between you and me? I'm gonna die and you're gonna die, but I'm gonna die first. So whatever I do, I'm doing it first. And that makes me a pioneer.

George:You should be worried about death. Death is the worst thing that can happen to you. You know why? Because you're gonna be dead. You're not gonna see anything, you're not gonna feel anything. You're just gonna be gone.

George:And the only thing worse than being dead is being alive and knowing you're gonna be dead.

George:Ben, don't you ever think about death? You're 85 years old!

Ben:Death? Why should I worry about death? I'll be dead soon enough anyway.

George:Wait, wait, wait. You owe me money.

George:Ben, you owe me money for the coffee.

Mrs. Oliver:You have a big head.

Elaine:What's a goiter?

Mrs. Oliver:A goiter is a very large swelling of the thyroid gland in the neck. It can grow to be quite enormous, like a big bulbous mass protruding from the front of the neck.

Elaine:No, no, I think it's great. I really do. I think it's... it's sexy.

Elaine:A goiter is a very sexy thing. I find it very attractive.

Elaine:And I would love to have one. I really would. I think I'm gonna get one myself.

Elaine:I can't look at her. Every time I see her, all I can see is the goiter.

Elaine:It's like it's staring at me. Like it's a third eye or something.

Elaine:A goiter? What is that, like a second head or something?

Elaine:We should have mentioned the goiter.

Elaine:You know, when they do those missing person things, they always say 'distinguishing marks.' Well, a goiter is definitely a distinguishing mark.

Elaine:I have a goiter!

Jerry:A goiter? What's wrong with a goiter? At least you have a personality!

George:I got fired from volunteering.

Elaine:How do you get fired from volunteering?

George:They said I wasn't working out.

George:You know, my father... he was a quitter. My mother, she was a quitter. I'm a quitter. It's in my blood. It's part of my legacy.

Kramer:Oh, you think that's nothing? Sergio Mendes once used my shower. He said it was the best shower he ever had.

Newman:That's ridiculous.

Kramer:Not only that, he wrote a song about it. 'Mas que nada... but better drainage.'

Kramer:He's living like an old man! He's got his papers all around him, he's got his records, his photographs... He's like a human filing cabinet!

Jerry:Do you speak English?

Housekeeper:Yes.

Jerry:The cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon.

Jerry:I made an inappropriate comment and she didn't even react.

George:So?

Jerry:So? She didn't hear me, she didn't understand me, or she didn't care.

George:Maybe all three.

Jerry:Well, that would be a relief.

Kramer:You know, I had a nice visit with your father. We really hit it off.

Sid:Get away from me!

Kramer:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey!

Sid:I'm gonna bite you!

Kramer:No, no, no, no, no!

Jerry:So the old man's biting Kramer, and his teeth just fly out!

Sid Fields:My teeth were NOT flying out!

Jerry:They were flying everywhere!

Jerry:Wait, where are his teeth?

George:They went down the garbage disposal.

Jerry:Down the garbage disposal? How does that happen?

George:I don't know! I was rinsing the plate!

Kramer:Oh, I lost Sid.

Mrs. Oliver:Yes, Mohandas Gandhi. We had a very brief affair.

Mrs. Oliver:It was very romantic. He would fast, and I would feed him.

Mrs. Oliver:These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Record Store Owner:Al Jolson? 'Mammy'? Nobody wants to hear a guy singing about his mother.

Newman:He called me a mooch!

Store Owner:You are a mooch!

Newman:Well you're a cheapskate!

Store Owner:You're a freeloader!

Newman:You're a skinflint!

Store Owner:You're a bum!

Newman:You're a penny-pincher!

Kramer:Why don't you make me?

Newman:Yeah, why don't you make me?

Kramer:Why don't YOU make me?

Newman:Oh, real original.

George Costanza:How do you lose a person? I mean, how do you just lose a person?

Newman:We got into a little altercation at the record store.

Kramer:A tussle?

George:It's like she's got a football under her chin.

Jerry:So you're not gonna see her again?

George:No, I'm not gonna see her again.

Jerry:Why not? I thought you two were getting along pretty well.

George:We were, but then I found out she has a goiter.

Jerry:A goiter?

George:Yeah, a goiter. I can't be with someone who has a goiter.

Jerry:You ever notice how everything gets smaller as you get older? Your apartment seems smaller, your car seems smaller, even the candy bar you bought as a kid seems smaller now.

Jerry:But old people, they're driving around in these huge Cadillacs! These massive boats! How is that possible? Everything in their life is shrinking, but they need a car the size of a barge just to get to the early bird special.

Jerry:They back out of the driveway like they own the street. 'I'm coming out, and I don't care who's there!' They don't even look. They just assume everyone's gonna stop for them because they've been alive longer.

Jerry:You ever notice how old people drive really slow? I mean, they're running out of time! You'd think they'd be in a hurry. 'I got maybe ten years left, let's move it!' But no, they're doing 35 in a 55. It's like they're trying to stretch it out. 'If I drive slow enough, maybe I'll live longer.' That's not how it works!

Jerry:You ever notice how elderly people drive really slow? I mean, really slow. Like, they're going 20 miles an hour on the highway. And you know why? Because they can't see! They can't see anything! So they're driving real careful. But here's my theory - if you can't see anyway, why drive safe? Just go! Just barrel through! You can't see, so what difference does it make if you're going 20 or 80? You're not seeing anything either way!