The Outing

Jerry:You know what I hate about birthdays? Everyone pretends to care. They show up, they sing, they eat cake. But nobody actually wants to be there. I'm just being honest about what everyone's thinking but won't say. We're all just pretending it matters that I'm one year older. Which, let's face it, is just one year closer to death. So thanks for coming and pretending.

Jerry:Why do we celebrate birthdays every year? I mean, what's the achievement here? You didn't do anything. You just... didn't die. That's not an accomplishment, that's just... not dying. That's the bare minimum of being alive.

Jerry:You know what's amazing about astrology? They group people by birthday. So you got a TV actor, a religious leader, and a racehorse all born on the same day, and they're supposed to have the same personality traits. A racehorse! What does a racehorse care about compatibility?

George:I can't even throw a dart right. I'm standing there, the dart's in my hand, I'm thinking about the trajectory, the angle, the spin... I'm doing all these calculations in my head, and you know what happens? It goes nowhere. It just... drops.

George:I mean, a dart! It's the simplest thing! A child can throw a dart! I've seen children throw darts better than me, and they're not even thinking about it. They just... throw it. But me? I'm overthinking it so much that my arm doesn't know what to do anymore.

George:That's my whole life right there. One dart.

Jerry:You threatened to kill yourself?

George:What, you don't think I'm suicide material? I got news for you, I'm suicide material.

George:You know, Jerry, I don't think he's ever actually seen you perform.

Jerry:Well, that's nice. What is he, busy? Let me guess - he's got an acid tongue.

George:Yeah, actually, he does.

Jerry:Well, maybe he should use it to say something nice for once.

Jerry:Brezhnev was the ugliest man in the world. I'm telling you, there's no debate on this. Leonid Brezhnev - hands down, the ugliest human being to ever hold political office. Those eyebrows alone should have disqualified him from public life.

Elaine:What are you guys talking about?

George:We're debating which world leader is the ugliest.

Elaine:Well, what about Margaret Thatcher?

Jerry:A woman? We're talking about men.

Elaine:Oh please, she's so ugly, if she tried to seduce a man, he'd run up a tree!

Kramer:You gotta watch out for these girls, they're always listening. They got ears like radar dishes.

Kramer:So here's what you do - you go out there and you tell 'em that you and George are gay. That way they'll leave you alone.

Jerry:Why would we do that?

Kramer:Because it works! I'm tellin' ya!

Kramer:HEY! JERRY AND GEORGE ARE GAY! THEY'RE A COUPLE!

Jerry:I love you. I love you more than life itself. You complete me.

Jerry:What are you, a Nazi? It's a joke! Go along with it!

Jerry:I'm pretty good at fashion. I like to cook. I like to shop. I do my nails.

George:You know, I don't get along with women. I never have. And I never will.

Kramer:Jerry! I got it. I got the perfect porn name for you.

Jerry:Oh yeah? What is it?

Kramer:Giddy up.

Jerry:Giddy up? That's your idea?

Kramer:Yeah! Giddy up! It's perfect!

Jerry:Kramer, you told me this three months ago.

Kramer:I did?

Jerry:Yeah, and it wasn't funny then either.

George:I can't break up with her. She'll be devastated. She loves me.

Jerry:So what are you gonna do?

George:I'm just gonna have to wait it out. Eventually she'll pass away and I'll be free to live my life.

Jerry:That could be forty, fifty years.

George:I know. But at least I won't be the bad guy.

Jerry:I hate hearing my voice on tape. It sounds so high and whiny.

George:That's because it is high and whiny.

George:Why are you washing the fruit?

Jerry:Why? Because it's dirty.

George:It's not dirty.

Jerry:It's a little dirty.

George:You're gonna wash it before you eat it?

Jerry:Yes.

George:Why don't you wash your hands?

Jerry:Because I'm not gonna eat my hands.

George:He sounds like a spouse complaining about their marriage.

Sharon:Well, maybe if you spent less time complaining about Jerry and more time with your own life, you'd be happier.

George:I'm not complaining about Jerry. I'm complaining about the situation.

Sharon:You know, it's interesting. Most boyfriends don't spend this much time obsessing over their partner's every move.

Jerry:We met at the coffee shop. George came up and started talking to me.

George:Yeah, I just walked right up to him. I was very forward.

Reporter:So it was love at first sight?

Jerry:Well, we started spending all our time together. Every day, just the two of us.

George:I couldn't stay away from him. I'd think about him constantly.

Reporter:And now you're inseparable?

Jerry:Completely inseparable. We tell each other everything.

George:I've never felt this way about anyone before.

George:So there I was in gym class, right? And the teacher pairs me up with this guy for wrestling. We're grappling around, and our bodies are just... pressed together. Slick with sweat. And he whispers in my ear, 'You're pretty good.' Just like that. We've been close ever since.

George:My parents don't know what's going on.

Jerry:Yeah, well, whose parents do?

Jerry:Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Jerry:Look, I'm very heterosexual, okay? I like women. I like their bodies, I like the way they smell, I like the way they... I'm gonna go back to my apartment right now and I'm gonna have sex with my girlfriend, and it's gonna be very aggressive and very loud, and the neighbors are gonna hear me, and they're gonna know that I'm a man!

Kramer:You know, we should go take a steam.

Jerry:A steam?

Kramer:Yeah, it'll be good for us.

Jerry:I don't know...

Kramer:What, you don't want to be alone with me naked in a hot room?

Kramer:I'll talk to the reporter.

Kramer:Happy birthday!

Jerry:Kramer, my birthday isn't until next week.

Kramer:No, no, no. Today is your birthday. I know these things.

Jerry:Kramer, I think I know when my own birthday is.

Kramer:Jerry, you're wrong. It's today. I'm telling you, it's today.

Kramer:Jerry, it's your birthday!

Jerry:No it's not.

Kramer:Yes it is!

Jerry:Kramer, I think I know when my own birthday is.

Kramer:Do you though?

Jerry:...What? Of course I do.

Kramer:Are you sure?

Jerry:I'm not sure of anything anymore, Kramer.

Jerry:We're not actually straight. We've been fooling her the whole time.

Reporter:I heard that!

Jerry:Not that there's anything wrong with that.

George:No, of course not.

Jerry:I mean, it's fine.

George:Yeah, absolutely. I'm very glad we had this talk.

Elaine:I got you theater tickets for Broadway.

George:Broadway? What am I, a homosexual?

Jerry:There's nothing wrong with that.

George:I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it!

George:Guys and Dolls? What kind of musical is that?

Jerry:It's about guys and dolls. You know, the heterosexual kind of guys and dolls.

Jerry:So let me get this straight. I'm not gay, but I'm outed as gay, and now I have to convince people I'm not gay. But if I try too hard to convince them I'm not gay, then I look gay.

George:You're in a paradox.

Jerry:I'm in a paradox! I was never in the closet, but now I have to come out of it!

Jerry:Wait, so they were arguing about a pear?

George:That's what the article says.

Jerry:A pear. They got divorced over a pear.

Elaine:It wasn't about the pear, Jerry. It was never about the pear.

Jerry:I'm not arguing about the pear. You're the one who brought up the pear.

George:I didn't bring up the pear. You said the pear was mealy.

Jerry:I said it had the texture of a pear. That's not the same thing.

George:Hello?

Mrs. Costanza:George? It's Mrs. Costanza. I heard some terrible things about you and Jerry.

George:What? No, no, Mrs. Costanza, that's not—

Mrs. Costanza:You're not gay? Because there's nothing wrong with it!

George:I'm not gay!

Mrs. Costanza:Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Frank:This is all because of you and those clothes you wore!

Helen:What? My clothes?

Frank:Yeah, you dressed like a man. He had no female role model!

Frank:You had to wear a skirt? A skirt! Do you know what you looked like? Like a young girl! My son, walking around in a skirt!

Helen Costanza:I'm reading the paper, I see this thing about you, I'm so surprised I almost fell off the toilet.

Jerry:Yeah, I'm actually a secret agent by day, and by night I'm a world-renowned pastry chef.

Helen:A pastry chef? That's wonderful!

Jerry:Oh yeah, they call me 'Bab's Buffay' in the underground pastry scene.

George:What is this?

Nurse:It's a soap opera. You've never seen one?

George:Not like this. Look at these two guys. They keep looking at each other. And now they're... they're touching each other's arms.

Nurse:That's just the drama of it.

George:Drama? They're practically undressing each other with their eyes!

Soldier:Hey, aren't you guys that couple from TV?

Jerry:We're not a couple.

George:We're not together.

Soldier:Well, you inspired me to come out. I'm gay.

Jerry:That's great, but we're not...

Soldier:You guys gave me the courage. Thank you.

Maitre d':Gentlemen, gentlemen! Please, keep your voices down. Other patrons are staring.

Jerry:We're not together!

George:We barely know each other!

Maitre d':Of course, of course. Why don't you two take a walk, cool off, and come back when you've worked things out?

Jerry:You don't understand—

Maitre d':It happens. Even the strongest relationships have their rough patches.

George:I'm free! I'm free! Do you know how good this feels?

Jerry:What happened?

George:She thinks I'm gay! She thinks I'm gay!

Jerry:So?

George:So?! So I'm not gay! But now she thinks I am, which means she won't want to be with me, which means I'm free! Free!

George:I'm gay. I'm very gay.

George:I think men are very sexy. Don't you think men are sexy?

George:I appreciate the male form. The... the chest, the back...

George:Look, I'm just a very sexual guy. I love the body. I love all bodies.

George:I gotta be honest with you. I'm very, very gay.

Jerry:This is nice...

Sharon:Mmm, it really is.

Jerry:You know, this reminds me of the time the Enterprise-D encountered that ion storm in the Badlands.

Sharon:What?

George:You're with HER? You're with the reporter?

George:I can't believe this! I thought we had something special!

George:How could you betray me like this? ME!

George:I'm actually an actor. My stage name is Kramer.

George:Yeah, I've been doing some... adult film work. Very tasteful stuff, really.

Jerry:You know, I fit every Jewish stereotype there is. I'm neurotic, I'm afraid of commitment, I complain about everything, my mother nags me constantly, and I'm convinced I'm going to die in a car accident or get food poisoning. I'm like the poster child for Jewish neurosis. My therapist has a therapist just from listening to me. And the worst part? I'm completely okay with it. This is who I am.

Jerry:You think there's discrimination in the gay community? There is! There's a whole thing. You know what the worst thing you can be in the gay community? Sloppy. If you're a sloppy gay man, you're finished. They will not accept you. 'Get out of here with your wrinkled shirt and your mismatched socks. You're ruining the whole thing for us!' And if you're a sloppy married gay man? Forget about it. You're discriminated against by everybody.

Jerry:You know what people should do instead of gossiping? They should vacuum. Just make this gesture instead.