The Shoes

Jerry:All you did was not die for 12 months

Jerry:Ed Asner, Elijah Muhammad and Secretariat all share the same birthday. What are the odds that you'd have a TV star, a religious leader, and a horse all born on the same day?

Jerry:George, nobody's killing themselves because of you.

George:It's like throwing darts. You throw enough darts, one of them's gonna hit the board. Maybe not in the bullseye, but it's gonna hit somewhere on the board.

Jerry:So what you're saying is, if you throw enough darts, eventually you're gonna find someone?

George:That's right. I'm a dart.

George:I'm pathetic. I'm a loser. I'll never amount to anything.

Jerry:You're killing me!

George:You think it's inconceivable someone would kill themselves over me?

Elaine:Well...

George:Wait, so you're going with Jerry?

Elaine:No, I'm gonna go with him.

George:You know, I'm envious of that woman. I've seen you perform.

Jerry:You're being sarcastic.

George:Really?

George:So who do you think is the ugliest world leader?

Jerry:Oh, that's easy. Brezhnev. Those eyebrows!

George:So you're telling me that world leaders have to be attractive? That's ridiculous.

Jerry:I'm not saying they have to be attractive. I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt.

Elaine:What about Golda Meir? She was a world leader.

George:Golda Meir? She looked like my Aunt Selma!

Elaine:So? She was tough as nails. She could probably arm-wrestle you into submission.

Jerry:See, that's what I'm talking about. Leadership isn't about looks.

Elaine:Exactly. And frankly, I found her kind of attractive.

George:You're kidding.

Elaine:No, I'm serious. There's something about a woman who can command a nation.

George:You know, Elaine, that was a good idea.

George:Thanks, babe.

George:Not that there's anything wrong with that!

George:So I'm telling you, I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it.

Jerry:George, you gotta stop this.

George:Why? What's the problem?

Jerry:The problem is you're not actually gay, and everyone knows it.

George:So what? I'm having fun with it.

Jerry:Well, I'm not playing along anymore. This is ridiculous.

Jerry:You know what your problem is? You go along with everything. You never have an opinion of your own.

George:I do have opinions!

Jerry:Name one time you've stood up for something you believed in.

George:I... well... I mean, if everyone else thinks something, then...

Jerry:That's exactly what I'm talking about. Do you realize if you lived in Nazi Germany, you'd be goose-stepping with the best of them?

George:That's not fair!

Jerry:It's completely fair. You'd be like, 'Well, everybody's doing it, so...'

Jerry:I'm not that I'm gay, not that there's anything wrong with that.

George:Of course not!

Jerry:I mean, these are just some things that I do.

George:And we're very comfortable with it.

Jerry:I go to a nice restaurant, I order the swordfish.

George:Oh, a swordfish! Very good.

Jerry:I like to be impeccably groomed.

George:As do I.

Jerry:My shoes are shined, my nails are clean.

George:Oh, your nails! What kind of nail care regimen are we talking about?

George:I think I'm gay.

Kramer:Jerry, I got it! I got a great idea for a business. You know how people are always looking for new things?

Jerry:Yeah...

Kramer:Well, what if we opened up a store where you could return anything you bought there, no questions asked, any time?

Jerry:Kramer, that's not a business idea. That's just... giving things away.

Kramer:No, no, no! You charge a little less, so people think they're getting a deal, but really—

Jerry:You told me this exact idea three months ago.

Kramer:I did?

Jerry:Yeah. Word for word.

Jerry:How am I gonna get out of wearing Allison's shirt?

Kramer:Well, you could always kill yourself.

Sharon:I'd like to record this interview if that's okay.

Jerry:Sure, go ahead.

Sharon:Great. So tell me, what do you think about your voice?

Jerry:Well, I think it's perfect for radio. Terrible for records.

George:Jerry, you're being ridiculous. I'm trying to do an interview here.

Jerry:An interview? For what, your biography: 'The George Costanza Story'? Nobody cares.

George:See? This is exactly what I'm talking about. This is harassment. This man is my friend and he's sabotaging me.

Jerry:I'm not sabotaging you. I'm just stating facts.

George:Facts? The fact is you're jealous. You've always been jealous of me.

Sharon:Yeah, well, my boyfriend does the same thing. He never listens to me either.

Jerry:What do you want from me? I'm supposed to like every shirt you wear?

George:I met Jerry at the gym. I was doing bench press, and he came over and spotted me. Our hands were very close.

George:Then we started grabbing coffee. Just the two of us. Every morning before work.

George:One day he said, 'George, I really enjoy being around you.' And I said, 'Jerry, I enjoy being around you too.'

George:And that's how we became best friends. It just happened naturally.

Jerry:What do you mean 'living situation'? We have separate apartments.

George:Yeah, I'm on my own. Completely independent.

Sharon:You two are always together though.

Jerry:That's just coincidence.

George:We happen to frequent the same coffee shop. That's all.

Sharon:So your parents know what you're doing?

George:Well, they know I'm doing something.

Jerry:So you're saying you're... you know, and that's totally fine with us.

George:Yeah, absolutely. We're very progressive people.

Sharon:Well, I'm actually a compulsive liar.

Jerry:Oh. That's... that's great.

Sharon:And I have a gambling problem. Lost my house in Atlantic City.

George:Wow. Well, hey, who hasn't?

Sharon:I also poisoned my last three roommates.

Jerry:Poisoned?

George:That's... that's the spirit of honesty we can all appreciate.

Sharon:And I'm wanted in two states.

Jerry:Okay, you know what? We're gonna have to take a pass.

Jerry:I'm very much into women. Women are great. I love women. The way they walk, the way they talk, everything about women is... it's fantastic.

Jerry:In fact, I'm thinking about women right now. Beautiful women. With curves and... femininity.

Jerry:You know what? I'm going to go find a woman right now and prove it to you. A beautiful woman. We're going to have relations. Lots of relations.

Jerry:Multiple relations! In different positions! With enthusiasm!

Kramer:I'm like a human lie detector. I can spot a phony from a mile away.

George:It's your birthday!

Jerry:George, my birthday was three months ago.

George:No, no, no. Today is definitely your birthday. I'm telling you.

Jerry:George, I think I know when my own birthday is.

George:Jerry, I have never been more sure of anything in my life. It's your birthday today.

Elaine:What? Why does everyone keep asking me to take off my coat?

Elaine:I like my coat! There's nothing wrong with my coat!

Elaine:You know what? Fine. FINE. You want to see what's under the coat?

Elaine:Well, there's a person. A whole person. Me. I'm under here.

Elaine:And I'm not taking it off. This coat is staying on.

Jerry:I got some good news. The article's coming out next week.

George:That's great!

Jerry:Yeah, they're going to say that we're... not that there's anything wrong with that.

George:Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Elaine:No, of course not.

Kramer:It's fine.

Jerry:These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Sharon:What?

Jerry:I said, these pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sharon:Oh, I thought you said something else.

Jerry:No, pretzels. They're very salty.

Sharon:Oh okay, well I'm making some sandwiches. Do you want one?

Jerry:Yeah, that would be great.

Kramer:You know, it's an interesting thing. I was reading about the Inuit people, and they have like 200 words for snow. But they don't have a word for 'coat.' So when an Inuit sees someone wearing a coat, they think that person IS the coat.

George:What do you mean 'The Lion King'? What kind of title is that?

Jerry:It's a Disney movie, George. About a lion who's a king.

George:A lion is a king? Since when?

Jerry:Since always. It's the Circle of Life.

Elaine:I got you Bette Midler CDs for your birthday.

Jerry:Bette Midler? What am I, a woman?

Elaine:What's wrong with Bette Midler?

Jerry:Nothing! No, she's great. She's talented. I like her. I like her a lot.

Elaine:You don't have to convince me.

Jerry:No, I'm serious. I think she's fantastic. Really underrated.

George:Wait a minute... they made it sound like I was doing something weird with the fruit!

George:I was just washing it! That's what you're supposed to do with fruit!

Jerry:What? I didn't do anything wrong with the pear. It was a perfectly good pear.

Elaine:Wait, what? You two have been hanging out this whole time without telling me? I thought we were friends!

Elaine:I can't believe you left me out. I'm hurt, I'm really hurt.

Kramer:You know, you're neat. You're very clean. You organize your spice rack by... I don't know... the color of the label.

Jerry:Oh, so now I'm gay?

Kramer:I'm not saying you're gay. I'm just saying you have a very nice apartment and you're very well-groomed.

Jerry:So do you!

Frank:Why did you have to wear the outfit like that?

Helen:We told you not to wear it that way!

Jerry:I was five years old!

Frank:So? You could've worn it differently.

Helen:The other mothers were talking.

Jerry:It was a cowboy outfit! What's the big deal?

Frank:The way you wore the holster...

Helen:I read the article. I'm so embarrassed. Do you know what it said? It said I had an accident in the bathroom!

Helen:An accident! Like I'm some kind of child who can't control themselves.

Helen:And then it got worse. It said I was in there for forty-five minutes!

Helen:Forty-five minutes! What kind of person spends forty-five minutes in the bathroom?

Helen:And the worst part - the worst part - it mentioned the Metamucil.

Helen:So what, you're some kind of spy now? Is that what you do all day?

Jerry:Yes, Mom. I'm a spy. My code name is Buck Naked.

Kramer:What are you watching?

Jerry:Some medical show.

Kramer:Oh, a man's chest... Oh, they're rubbing his chest...

Soldier:Hey, aren't you that guy from TV? You're the reason I came out of the closet.

Jerry:Oh... well, that's great! I'm glad I could help.

Soldier:Yeah, I was hiding in there for three years.

Restaurant Manager:Excuse me, you two need to keep it down. You're disturbing the other customers.

Jerry:We're not together!

George:Yeah, we're just friends.

Restaurant Manager:Well, you're acting like a married couple. So either get along or get out.

George:I'm out there Jerry and I'm loving every minute of it!

George:She thinks I'm gay. Why would she think I'm gay?

Jerry:Because you told her you were.

George:I'm kidding! I'm not really gay. But she doesn't know that.

George:This is the best thing that could've happened! I'm free! Free from Allison! Free from this relationship!

George:I'm gay. I'm very, very gay.

George:I think I've been gay my whole life. I'm just now coming to terms with it.

George:I'm a very confused man right now. Very confused.

George:I don't know where it's coming from, but I think I'm gay.

George:Jerry, what are you doing with her?

Jerry:George, what are you talking about?

George:You know what I'm talking about. You're on a date with a woman. A woman, Jerry!

Jerry:Yes, that's generally how dating works.

George:Not for me it doesn't! I'm supposed to be the one with the woman. I'm George Costanza!

Jerry:I'm not gay! I have a whole other life you don't know about. I'm involved in adult films.

Jerry:Yeah, I go by the name 'The Kramer.' It's a very lucrative business.

Phone Repairman:Even strangers are now using their catchphrase

Mrs. Seinfeld:My back went out again. I couldn't move. The super had to come and help me up. I was half-naked.

Jerry:Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Jerry · George · Mrs. Seinfeld:Yeah. / I'm Buck Naked. / You're who? Buck Naked?

Mrs. Seinfeld:Jerry, I can see. He's so neat and thin.

Nurse:Six-thirty, Scott. Time for your sponge bath.

Jerry:Guess who left a message on my machine. That reporter from NYU. I wonder what she wants.

Elaine · Jerry · Soldier:Now the play is tomorrow night. Would you like dinner first or just meet at the theater? / Excuse me, sir, I'm sorry to bother you. I want you to know that it took a lot of guts to come out how you did, and that you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean a discharge from the service. Thanks.

Jerry:You know, I think I'll pass on the Guys and Dolls.

Elaine:I try and go out and do something special for your birthday, and this is the thanks I get! Everything's tainted now!

Elaine · Jerry · Manager/Maître d':Nothing can make me keep my voice down! / If you boys cannot control yourselves, then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Jerry · George:She hasn't seen the article. When she sees it, she's gonna think... / I'm out, baby! I'm out!

Allison · George:Yeah, so? / 'Yeah, so?' / Well, this is nice. They mention your name. / Don't you see what it says here? Don't you understand what that's implying? / No. What? / I'm gay. I'm a gay man.

Allison · George:You're gay? / Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.

George · Allison:Oh, can you ever forgive me? / I don't know. / All right, I forgive you.

Allison · George:You know, the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately. / I was attracted to you too. You remind me of Lois Lane.

George · Jerry · Sharon:Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing? / What? / You're with a woman! / I know. What are you doing here? / I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do? I trusted you!

Jerry · George:Would you get the hell out of here? / All right. Tell her. Go ahead. / Tell her what? / You know, about us. / Are you crazy? / Tell her, Jerry. Tell her.

Jerry:Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Jerry:All right, I'll tell you the truth. I'm not gay. My name's Buck Naked. I'm a porno actor.

Allison · Sharon:Really? / Oh, my God.

Jerry:He's the phone man.

Jerry:I am not gay. I am, however, thin, single and neat. When someone is thin, single and neat, people assume they're gay because that's the stereotype. We normally don't think of gay people as fat, sloppy and married.

Jerry:Although I'm sure there are, I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype. I'm sure they're the minority, though, within the gay community. Probably discriminated against. Because of that, people say to them: 'You know, Joe, I enjoy being gay with you, but it's about time you got in shape, tucked your shirt in and lost the wife.'

Jerry:If people are gonna assume that neat people are gay, instead of doing this: 'I think Joe might be a little...' They should vacuum. 'You know, I think Joe might be...' / Yeah. I got a feeling he's a little...