The Shoes

Jerry:All you did was not die for 12 months

Jerry:Ed Asner, Elijah Muhammad and Secretariat all share the same birthday. What are the odds that you'd have a TV star, a religious leader, and a horse all born on the same day?

Jerry:George, nobody's killing themselves because of you.

George:It's like throwing darts. You throw enough darts, one of them's gonna hit the board. Maybe not in the bullseye, but it's gonna hit somewhere on the board.

Jerry:So what you're saying is, if you throw enough darts, eventually you're gonna find someone?

George:That's right. I'm a dart.

George:I'm pathetic. I'm a loser. I'll never amount to anything.

Jerry:You're killing me!

George:You think it's inconceivable someone would kill themselves over me?

Elaine:Well...

George:Wait, so you're going with Jerry?

Elaine:No, I'm gonna go with him.

George:You know, I'm envious of that woman. I've seen you perform.

Jerry:You're being sarcastic.

George:Really?

George:So who do you think is the ugliest world leader?

Jerry:Oh, that's easy. Brezhnev. Those eyebrows!

George:So you're telling me that world leaders have to be attractive? That's ridiculous.

Jerry:I'm not saying they have to be attractive. I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt.

Elaine:What about Golda Meir? She was a world leader.

George:Golda Meir? She looked like my Aunt Selma!

Elaine:So? She was tough as nails. She could probably arm-wrestle you into submission.

Jerry:See, that's what I'm talking about. Leadership isn't about looks.

Elaine:Exactly. And frankly, I found her kind of attractive.

George:You're kidding.

Elaine:No, I'm serious. There's something about a woman who can command a nation.

George:You know, Elaine, that was a good idea.

George:Thanks, babe.

George:Not that there's anything wrong with that!

George:So I'm telling you, I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it.

Jerry:George, you gotta stop this.

George:Why? What's the problem?

Jerry:The problem is you're not actually gay, and everyone knows it.

George:So what? I'm having fun with it.

Jerry:Well, I'm not playing along anymore. This is ridiculous.

Jerry:You know what your problem is? You go along with everything. You never have an opinion of your own.

George:I do have opinions!

Jerry:Name one time you've stood up for something you believed in.

George:I... well... I mean, if everyone else thinks something, then...

Jerry:That's exactly what I'm talking about. Do you realize if you lived in Nazi Germany, you'd be goose-stepping with the best of them?

George:That's not fair!

Jerry:It's completely fair. You'd be like, 'Well, everybody's doing it, so...'

Jerry:I'm not that I'm gay, not that there's anything wrong with that.

George:Of course not!

Jerry:I mean, these are just some things that I do.

George:And we're very comfortable with it.

Jerry:I go to a nice restaurant, I order the swordfish.

George:Oh, a swordfish! Very good.

Jerry:I like to be impeccably groomed.

George:As do I.

Jerry:My shoes are shined, my nails are clean.

George:Oh, your nails! What kind of nail care regimen are we talking about?

George:I think I'm gay.

Kramer:Jerry, I got it! I got a great idea for a business. You know how people are always looking for new things?

Jerry:Yeah...

Kramer:Well, what if we opened up a store where you could return anything you bought there, no questions asked, any time?

Jerry:Kramer, that's not a business idea. That's just... giving things away.

Kramer:No, no, no! You charge a little less, so people think they're getting a deal, but really—

Jerry:You told me this exact idea three months ago.

Kramer:I did?

Jerry:Yeah. Word for word.

Jerry:How am I gonna get out of wearing Allison's shirt?

Kramer:Well, you could always kill yourself.

Sharon:I'd like to record this interview if that's okay.

Jerry:Sure, go ahead.

Sharon:Great. So tell me, what do you think about your voice?

Jerry:Well, I think it's perfect for radio. Terrible for records.

George:Jerry, you're being ridiculous. I'm trying to do an interview here.

Jerry:An interview? For what, your biography: 'The George Costanza Story'? Nobody cares.

George:See? This is exactly what I'm talking about. This is harassment. This man is my friend and he's sabotaging me.

Jerry:I'm not sabotaging you. I'm just stating facts.

George:Facts? The fact is you're jealous. You've always been jealous of me.

Sharon:Yeah, well, my boyfriend does the same thing. He never listens to me either.

Jerry:What do you want from me? I'm supposed to like every shirt you wear?

George:I met Jerry at the gym. I was doing bench press, and he came over and spotted me. Our hands were very close.

George:Then we started grabbing coffee. Just the two of us. Every morning before work.

George:One day he said, 'George, I really enjoy being around you.' And I said, 'Jerry, I enjoy being around you too.'

George:And that's how we became best friends. It just happened naturally.

Jerry:What do you mean 'living situation'? We have separate apartments.

George:Yeah, I'm on my own. Completely independent.

Sharon:You two are always together though.

Jerry:That's just coincidence.

George:We happen to frequent the same coffee shop. That's all.

Sharon:So your parents know what you're doing?

George:Well, they know I'm doing something.

Jerry:So you're saying you're... you know, and that's totally fine with us.

George:Yeah, absolutely. We're very progressive people.

Sharon:Well, I'm actually a compulsive liar.

Jerry:Oh. That's... that's great.

Sharon:And I have a gambling problem. Lost my house in Atlantic City.

George:Wow. Well, hey, who hasn't?

Sharon:I also poisoned my last three roommates.

Jerry:Poisoned?

George:That's... that's the spirit of honesty we can all appreciate.

Sharon:And I'm wanted in two states.

Jerry:Okay, you know what? We're gonna have to take a pass.

Jerry:I'm very much into women. Women are great. I love women. The way they walk, the way they talk, everything about women is... it's fantastic.

Jerry:In fact, I'm thinking about women right now. Beautiful women. With curves and... femininity.

Jerry:You know what? I'm going to go find a woman right now and prove it to you. A beautiful woman. We're going to have relations. Lots of relations.

Jerry:Multiple relations! In different positions! With enthusiasm!

Kramer:I'm like a human lie detector. I can spot a phony from a mile away.

George:It's your birthday!

Jerry:George, my birthday was three months ago.

George:No, no, no. Today is definitely your birthday. I'm telling you.

Jerry:George, I think I know when my own birthday is.

George:Jerry, I have never been more sure of anything in my life. It's your birthday today.

Elaine:What? Why does everyone keep asking me to take off my coat?

Elaine:I like my coat! There's nothing wrong with my coat!

Elaine:You know what? Fine. FINE. You want to see what's under the coat?

Elaine:Well, there's a person. A whole person. Me. I'm under here.

Elaine:And I'm not taking it off. This coat is staying on.

Jerry:I got some good news. The article's coming out next week.

George:That's great!

Jerry:Yeah, they're going to say that we're... not that there's anything wrong with that.

George:Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Elaine:No, of course not.

Kramer:It's fine.

Jerry:These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Sharon:What?

Jerry:I said, these pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sharon:Oh, I thought you said something else.

Jerry:No, pretzels. They're very salty.

Sharon:Oh okay, well I'm making some sandwiches. Do you want one?

Jerry:Yeah, that would be great.

Kramer:You know, it's an interesting thing. I was reading about the Inuit people, and they have like 200 words for snow. But they don't have a word for 'coat.' So when an Inuit sees someone wearing a coat, they think that person IS the coat.

George:What do you mean 'The Lion King'? What kind of title is that?

Jerry:It's a Disney movie, George. About a lion who's a king.

George:A lion is a king? Since when?

Jerry:Since always. It's the Circle of Life.

Elaine:I got you Bette Midler CDs for your birthday.

Jerry:Bette Midler? What am I, a woman?

Elaine:What's wrong with Bette Midler?

Jerry:Nothing! No, she's great. She's talented. I like her. I like her a lot.

Elaine:You don't have to convince me.

Jerry:No, I'm serious. I think she's fantastic. Really underrated.

George:Wait a minute... they made it sound like I was doing something weird with the fruit!

George:I was just washing it! That's what you're supposed to do with fruit!

Jerry:What? I didn't do anything wrong with the pear. It was a perfectly good pear.

Elaine:Wait, what? You two have been hanging out this whole time without telling me? I thought we were friends!

Elaine:I can't believe you left me out. I'm hurt, I'm really hurt.

Kramer:You know, you're neat. You're very clean. You organize your spice rack by... I don't know... the color of the label.

Jerry:Oh, so now I'm gay?

Kramer:I'm not saying you're gay. I'm just saying you have a very nice apartment and you're very well-groomed.

Jerry:So do you!

Frank:Why did you have to wear the outfit like that?

Helen:We told you not to wear it that way!

Jerry:I was five years old!

Frank:So? You could've worn it differently.

Helen:The other mothers were talking.

Jerry:It was a cowboy outfit! What's the big deal?

Frank:The way you wore the holster...

Helen:I read the article. I'm so embarrassed. Do you know what it said? It said I had an accident in the bathroom!

Helen:An accident! Like I'm some kind of child who can't control themselves.

Helen:And then it got worse. It said I was in there for forty-five minutes!

Helen:Forty-five minutes! What kind of person spends forty-five minutes in the bathroom?

Helen:And the worst part - the worst part - it mentioned the Metamucil.

Helen:So what, you're some kind of spy now? Is that what you do all day?

Jerry:Yes, Mom. I'm a spy. My code name is Buck Naked.

Kramer:What are you watching?

Jerry:Some medical show.

Kramer:Oh, a man's chest... Oh, they're rubbing his chest...

Soldier:Hey, aren't you that guy from TV? You're the reason I came out of the closet.

Jerry:Oh... well, that's great! I'm glad I could help.

Soldier:Yeah, I was hiding in there for three years.

Restaurant Manager:Excuse me, you two need to keep it down. You're disturbing the other customers.

Jerry:We're not together!

George:Yeah, we're just friends.

Restaurant Manager:Well, you're acting like a married couple. So either get along or get out.

George:I'm out there Jerry and I'm loving every minute of it!

George:She thinks I'm gay. Why would she think I'm gay?

Jerry:Because you told her you were.

George:I'm kidding! I'm not really gay. But she doesn't know that.

George:This is the best thing that could've happened! I'm free! Free from Allison! Free from this relationship!

George:I'm gay. I'm very, very gay.

George:I think I've been gay my whole life. I'm just now coming to terms with it.

George:I'm a very confused man right now. Very confused.

George:I don't know where it's coming from, but I think I'm gay.

George:Jerry, what are you doing with her?

Jerry:George, what are you talking about?

George:You know what I'm talking about. You're on a date with a woman. A woman, Jerry!

Jerry:Yes, that's generally how dating works.

George:Not for me it doesn't! I'm supposed to be the one with the woman. I'm George Costanza!

Jerry:I'm not gay! I have a whole other life you don't know about. I'm involved in adult films.

Jerry:Yeah, I go by the name 'The Kramer.' It's a very lucrative business.

Phone Repairman:Even strangers are now using their catchphrase

Jerry:Not that there's anything wrong with that!