House Sitting

Abbi · Ilana:BTS wordplay escalation: 'I love a good BTS' / 'I love a hot BTS' / 'BTS to the BTS, baby!'

Heidi:Heidi announces she's taking Oliver for detox in the Hamptons because 'standardized testing has really stressed him out'

Oliver:Oliver stress-chants 'Times tables! Topic sentences! Five paragraph essay! Five paragraph essay!'

Heidi:Heidi reassures Oliver: 'Standardized testing does not define you. Nothing can happen in the global economy that will ever make you need to work.'

Abbi · Heidi:Heidi spots a helicopter and says 'Whoa! A helicopter? I thought Uber just had cars.' / 'Uber has cars?'

Abbi · Ilana:Visual gag: Abbi and Ilana clearly climb through a window or fence to get inside rather than using the obvious gate nearby

Ilana:Ilana introduces the washer-dryer with game-show flourish: 'Double jumbo capacity washer-dryer, cleaning 25 pounds of your dirtiest dog shit at lightning speed.'

Ilana:Ilana narrates the bathroom tour in fake French: 'Enter ze master bath.' / 'Now, mademoiselle, to the tour.'

Ilana:'Italian marble, Asian marble, Puerto Rican marble, every ethnicity of marble.'

Ilana:'And the coochie de gras...' (referring to the bidet)

Abbi · Ilana:'Is that a bidet?' / 'You bidet believe it is.'

Ilana:Ilana on the bidet: 'the water is perfectly warmed to accommodate my anus.'

Abbi:Abbi discovers her high school English teacher Mr. Miller on Bumble while sitting on a bidet

Ilana:Ilana: 'Oh, also your Bumble thing is hot. I don't know, I feel like it's a little creepy.' / 'Hell yeah, sometimes in life you need creepy, freaky fucks.'

Ilana:'You must swipe yas, you cannot swipe nas.'

Ilana:Ilana's suggested opening message: 'I need help studying for my ACTs and I'm trying to get a 69.'

Abbi:Abbi responds with 'Hey. Long time.' — to Ilana's elaborate suggestion

Abbi:I'm gonna write, 'Hey. Long time.' / Okay, sent.

Ilana · Abbi:Mr. Miller replies almost instantly with 'I'm in town, do you want to meet up tonight?' — Abbi reacts with a scream/gasp, and Ilana asks: 'Is that about the message or the bidet?'

Abbi:'Honestly, both.' / 'He should come here. This place is so adult.'

Ilana:Ilana on the bidet: 'I feel like a wine glass fresh out of the dishwasher.'

Ilana:Ilana's philosophical stance on Lincoln: 'it is an essential part of my character that I'm just not into labels. So we're just enjoying the ride.'

Jaimé:Jaimé arrives and announces he had an adult circumcision and 'cannot get hard for two more weeks'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi asks 'Why can't you get hard?' / Ilana explains 'Cause his stitches will tear. My penis.' — then Abbi says 'Duh. Oh, obviously.'

Jaimé:Jaimé: 'I cannot be around vibrations in my current state.'

Ilana:Ilana gives Jaimé the bathroom tour: 'Italian marble, Asian marble, Puerto Rican marble... the coochie de gras.' — cut to: 'A bidet is synonymous with sex in rich Guatemala.'

Jaimé:Jaimé: 'A boner is inevitable, I cannot be in here.'

Abbi:Abbi's fumbling introduction: 'And this is Lincoln, he is a... a man, as well. Friend from way back when. Pal and a confidant. Former teacher. He's not my teacher anymore. We're on a date now.'

Lincoln:Lincoln's reaction: 'That's great. Wow, that took a long time... to say.'

Jaimé:Jaimé wanders into 'the taxidermy room' and says 'Oh. Nothing. Hi.' as if he's been caught doing something

Jaimé:Jaimé: 'He used to be your teacher? And now you're on a date?' / 'Yes.' / Jaimé stubs his penis somehow and exits.

Jaimé:Jaimé accidentally touches something, exclaims 'Ow! Can't... touch. I'm so sorry.' and retreats

Abbi · Richard:Abbi and Richard in the library: 'Yeah, you're right. I am an adult now. Supposably.' / 'Supposedly. With a D.' / 'Sorry. English teacher mode.'

Abbi · Richard:Abbi's revenge-fantasy about Tina Palmer, who wouldn't let her sit at the lunch table 'because like, I wasn't hot enough'

Jaimé · Ilana:Jaimé appears, announcing: 'I have to go piss... hard.' then asks Ilana to zip him up.

Ilana:Ilana zips Lincoln's pants: 'Your fingers are for two things. Filling cavities, and filling cavities.'

Abbi · Ilana:He said he thought about me like that. Like, when I was his student, though. / Yeah. / Really? / Bitch, durr.

Ilana:Ilana: 'Once students have flowered, teachers are either fucking them or jerking off to them.'

Ilana:If it keeps their disgusting hands off my hot-ass, bl-ewish kids, then yeah.

Ilana:Ilana: 'If Lincoln and I ever have children — and believe me, we're not talking about that for a couple of years — I hope their teachers are jerking off to them.'

Abbi:Abbi confesses she's been masturbating to Jonathan Taylor Thomas 'as he was on Home Improvement' — not as a 31-year-old

Ilana:Ilana: 'We're all jerking off to teenagers. And I'll tell you what, they're jerking off to us too. That's the circle of life.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Jerking off is all we got. It literally saves the world.' / Abbi: 'Thank you.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln farts in front of Ilana and apologizes; Ilana responds: 'Farts are part of the total relationship package.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana farts competitively back at Lincoln — framed as a 'breakdance battle, but not at all'

Lincoln:'That was different from the others.' — Lincoln on a notably different-sounding fart

Lincoln:Lincoln tells Ilana: 'You shat yourself at a party five weeks ago.' — as perspective on the fart situation

Abbi · Richard:Richard on the wine: 'sort of a full body with a tannic grip.' / Abbi: 'Yeah, I love full bodies with tannic grips... I love those things with my wine.'

Abbi · Richard/Mr. Miller:Sorry about those last few things I said. That sort of came out weird. / If we met right now, you'd just be, like, a hot dude who happens to teach.

Ilana · Lincoln:Lincoln and Ilana discover 'his and hers casket sheets'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana announces they have brunch with Abbi and Jaimé on Saturday; Lincoln says he already has 'golf with Dr. Tims.'

Ilana:'Sounds like a great idea. I love Google Calendar.' — delivered with the enthusiasm of someone discovering this is a relationship milestone

Jaimé:Jaimé studying in a children's room full of books; his penis is apparently knocked by books falling

Jaimé:A children's book / toy attacking Jaimé in the groin area: 'Ay, Dios mío.' / 'Ay, stop it! My stitches! My stitches! Please! Please!'

Abbi · Richard:Richard says he reads 'The New Yorker.' Abbi: 'Wow, like, the whole thing? / That's so hot. That's like, super sexy.' / Richard: 'That I can read?'

Abbi:Abbi's internal monologue/fantasy: 'Pretend like it's day one. Damn, reading is so dope.'

Ilana:Ilana wakes Lincoln: 'Okay, so we have to talk about this whole relationship thing. Think about what we have sacrificed to enter this sexless fart party.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana: 'When was the last time we even had sex?' / Lincoln: 'We had sex an hour ago.' / Ilana: 'And that's good enough for you?'

Lincoln:Lincoln: 'Told you I have a refractory period.'

Abbi · Richard:Abbi and Richard in the kids' room: 'Looks like somebody didn't do her homework.' / 'But I don't know, is there any extra credit I can do to bring my grade up?' / 'I don't think so. Looks like you're getting a big, fat D this semester.'

Abbi · Richard/Mr. Miller:Chess pieces reveal, followed by: 'Looks like somebody didn't do her homework.'

Abbi · Richard/Mr. Miller:Um, I didn't. But, I don't know, is there any... extra credit I can do to bring my grade up? / I don't think so. / Looks like you're getting a big, fat 'D' this semester.

Jaimé:Jaimé muttering to himself: 'Jaimé, don't get hard.'

Ilana:Ilana-Lincoln relationship philosophy argument: 'I like spaghetti, but I don't wanna die with spaghetti. I mean, I might, but I don't know yet.'

Ilana:The Doritos lifetime supply metaphor: 'at first you'd be psyched...then every time you went to grab a bag of Doritos, you're like, oh, I wanna die.'

Ilana · Lincoln:'Cause lifetime implies death. Think about it like this. Let's say you won a lifetime supply of Doritos. / I'm listening.

Ilana:'We do it for a year, short-term. And then after that year, we check in with each other. Like a phone contract.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Ilana: 'And thank you for all the food metaphors.' / Lincoln: 'You're welcome. I was eating spaghetti and Doritos yesterday. That's probably why my farts smell so violent.'

Jaimé:Jaimé's pep talk to himself: 'Jaimé, be strong. Penis, be weak. Be weak! Weak!'

Abbi · Richard:Richard asks Abbi's age: 'Should we be doing this? You're so young.' / 'I mean, I'm 28.' / 'No, but you're like, 17, right?' / 'Yeah... I am only 17.'

Abbi · Richard:Richard has been pulling Abbi's skin back 'so I looked more like a child' — her realization and his explanation

Jaimé:Jaimé walks in and condemns both of them: 'That, sir, that was just disgusting. I hope you know that. Disgusting.'

Richard/Mr. Miller · Abbi:We were roleplaying, right? Like you're 17. I was trying to make you look young-ish. / What the fuck?

Abbi:Abbi to Richard: 'For two, I exfoliate, like, almost every other day. And you know what? My skin is radiant.' — defending herself after being age-regressed by skin-pulling

Jaimé:Jaimé's farewell to Richard: 'That image will forever harden my soul but soften my peepee. Namaste, you sick, sick man.'

Abbi · Richard:Richard, departing: 'Look, Abbi, it takes two to Bumble.' / attempts to leave through what he thinks is a door / 'Uh, single file!' / 'Single file? I'm only one person.' / 'Use the buddy system!'

Richard/Mr. Miller · Abbi:Single file! / Single file? I'm only one person. / Use the buddy system!

Abbi · firefighter/neighbor:The dryer fire reveal: 'It's a Newton Elite. It's built only to dry satins, silk, or gold-infused fabrics.' / 'Looks like you guys are drying cheap cotton and polyester here.' / 'Fire was inevitable.'

Abbi · Heidi:Heidi's phone call: the dryer fire is revealed to Heidi, who doesn't even know there's a laundry room. 'She didn't even know there was a laundry room. Doesn't affect her in any way.'

Abbi · Richard:Abbi asks Richard directly: 'Do you... jerk off to your students?' / Richard: 'All teachers do. You kinda have to.'

Richard · Abbi:Richard's parting wisdom: 'You have to keep reading. Your brain is a muscle. If you don't use it regularly... it goes away.' / Abbi: 'What a righteous dude.'