The Implant

Jerry:I don't go to the health club anymore. You know why? There's a limit to how many naked men I can see in a day. I've hit my quota.

Jerry:The limit on naked men I see? Zero. Complete avoidance.

Jerry:You go to these health clubs now, the security is insane. It's like Fort Knox. They got cameras, they got ID checks, they got people writing down everything you do. I'm just trying to get on a StairMaster, not infiltrate the Kremlin.

Jerry:What are they protecting at the gym? What could you possibly steal? 'Oh no, he's making off with a lat pull!'

Jerry:So what happens when they catch exercise thieves? Running away is exercise, making the theft worse.

Jerry:The motivation comes from ogling women in leotards.

Jerry:You know what the StairMaster really is? It's the Stare Master. Because you just stand there staring at the wall the whole time you're on it.

Elaine:They're real and they're spectacular.

Elaine:You're always bragging about your lesbian-spotting abilities.

Jerry:I'm not bragging. I have a keen eye for these things. It's a gift.

Elaine:A gift? Jerry, you're just guessing like everyone else.

Jerry:No, I have an actual system. The hair, the shoes, the overall presentation. It's all very scientific.

Elaine:You're a leg man!

Jerry:I'm not a leg man. I don't desire what I already have.

Elaine:Should I spy on her in the sauna?

Jerry:Well, I mean, that's not spying. That's investigative journalism.

George:I'm ambidextrous.

Elaine:No, you're not.

George:I can do anything with either hand.

Elaine:George, you can barely do anything with both hands.

Jerry:I have the opposite problem. I can't go right.

Jerry:Women don't initiate, they just defend.

George:So don't sit there! Sit somewhere else!

Betsy:What if it's an emergency? What if someone's trying to reach me and it's really important?

George:An emergency? What kind of emergency? 'Oh, there's a fire!' Well, if there's a fire, you're gonna know about it. You don't need a phone call to tell you there's a fire.

George:And if there's some kind of global emergency, some kind of nuclear explosion or something, well, we're all gonna be dead anyway, so what difference does it make?

George:There are three emergencies in life: a car accident, a house fire, and a loss of bladder control.

Jerry:What about a fire in your car?

George:That's four.

Elaine:I'm sweating like a pig in here. Look at me, I'm drenched. My hair is soaking wet. I can't even grip the bench anymore, my hands are so slippery. I'm literally pooling on the floor. There's a small lake forming beneath me. I think I've lost five pounds of water weight in the last ten minutes. I'm going to need a mop when I leave. Actually, I might need a wet vac. Is anyone going to say something? This isn't normal perspiration anymore—this is a medical condition. I'm sweating through my skin. I'm like a human sprinkler system. Soon I won't have any water left in my body at all. I'll just be this dried husk, crumpled up like a raisin.

Elaine:Why does she even bother with a towel?

Jerry:You know what bugs me about fake breasts? It's like a baseball player using a corked bat. You're cheating! You're cheating the game! And everyone in the stands paid good money to see the real thing, not some enhanced version.

Jerry:You know what the difference is between a nose job and breast implants? With breast implants, you don't have to worry about someone sticking their fingers up there.

Jerry:Why would Salman Rushdie go to the gym? He's got a fatwa on his head - he needs to stay in shape to outrun it!

Jerry:You put women on a pedestal.

George:I do not put women on a pedestal. I'm very clinical about the whole thing. It's a very simple procedure. You see a woman, you approach her, you ask her out. If she says yes, you have yourself a date. If she says no, you just move on to the next woman.

George:Yeah, I'm a real comedian. People love me. I walk into a room, they don't know whether to laugh or run for the exits.

Jerry:You know, a funeral is a great place to meet women. All that vulnerability, all that sadness. It's perfect.

George:Really?

Jerry:Yeah. You go up to a woman, you say 'I'm sorry about your loss. Want to get some coffee?' Boom. You're in.

Jerry:George is like the rock at a funeral. Everyone gathers around him, they lean on him, they tell him their problems. And George just stands there, solid, dependable.

Jerry:But here's the thing about rocks - they don't actually listen. They don't care. They're just rocks.

Jerry:George is the rock.

Elaine:Oh my God, look at her. She's had so much work done. I'm telling you, she's like the Silicon Valley of bodies.

Jerry:I'm not obsessive about neatness. I just like things in their proper place.

George:Jerry, you reorganized your sock drawer by thread count.

Jerry:So? That's just being efficient.

Kramer:Efficient? You've got color-coded labels on your kitchen utensils!

Jerry:Well, you know who else was really into order and organization?

George:Who?

Jerry:Hitler.

Elaine:I didn't mean to! I was trying to catch myself, and my hand just... landed there.

Elaine:I grabbed her breast!

Elaine:They're real and they're spectacular.

Elaine:Well, I have news for you. I've touched plenty of breasts. I have two of my own.

Elaine:They're spectacular.

Jerry:What?! People lie about deaths to get a cheaper fare? That's terrible! That's awful! I would never... I mean, who does that?

Jerry:You know, it's like when you're falling and you grab onto something. You don't really know what it is, but you know what it feels like.

Jerry:So you're telling me that Salman Rushdie and Sidra's breasts are somehow connected?

Kramer:Well, think about it! Both are in hiding!

George:Well, you know, when you're in a relationship with someone, there are certain responsibilities. You have to call them, you have to see them, you have to buy them things. It's not just about showing up to a funeral. I mean, I showed up to the funeral, didn't I? That should count for something. But apparently that's not enough. You have to be there for the other stuff too. The movies, the dinners, the... the phone calls. Constant phone calls. And flowers. Nobody tells you about the flowers.

George:Ah, what are you talking about? It's nothing. Psh.

Kramer:It's not him.

Kramer:They're using him as a decoy. The real Salman Rushdie is hiding in the East River.

Kramer:They got him living in a tank with a couple of catfish.

Jerry:It's not a theory, Kramer. It's just... it's a fish. A regular fish.

Kramer:No, no, no. You don't understand the fish.

Jerry:It's pronounced 'fish,' Kramer. Fish. Not 'fesh.' Fish.

George Costanza:See, now you're doing it! You're dipping the chip and you're eating it. You dip it again!

Timmy:So?

George Costanza:That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From the point of view of somebody else eating the dip, that's unacceptable. You violated the Dip!

George:Did you see the guy dip the chip? He dipped it once, and he bit it. He came back and dipped it a second time. That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip!

Timmy:So?

George:So? So you can't do that! That's like a one-dip maximum. Some chip dips need it, they're too dry. But once the chip is in your mouth, it's gone. You take one dip and the next time you come back, it's a fresh chip. And if I'm using the same dip, I don't want your saliva in there!

George:What's the big deal? It's just a dip.

George:I'm only dipping once.

George:Well, maybe twice.

George:But that's it! No more dipping after that!

Jerry:Excuse me, would you mind switching seats with me?

Passenger:Why?

Jerry:Well, I have this thing where I need to sit by the window. It's psychological. If I sit in the middle seat, I get anxious. I feel trapped. Like I'm in a coffin. A flying coffin with pretzels.

Jerry:Her breasts were so large, they strangled her.

Jerry:So what do I tell people?

Sidra:Tell them you discovered them.

Kramer:Hey Jerry, can I borrow a bathing suit?

Jerry:Why would you need to borrow a bathing suit? You have a bathing suit.

Kramer:Mine's in the wash.

Jerry:Well, I don't know if I'm comfortable with that. I mean, those are my swim trunks. That's personal.

Kramer:What's the big deal?

Jerry:The big deal is you'd be putting your... your swimsuit area... in my swimsuit area.

Jerry:So you're telling me the whole thing is about territory? Like animals?

George:Exactly! You mark your spot, you defend it. It's nature.

Jerry:So what happens if someone crosses the border?

Kramer:War. Total war.

Sidra:So you two are investigating breasts?

Jerry:We're not investigating breasts. We're investigating the *concept* of breasts.

Elaine:It's more of a philosophical inquiry.

Sidra:You're both insane.

George:My father passed away. I need to get the bereavement fare.

Airline Agent:I'll need to see a death certificate.

George:I have something better. A Hallmark card with a black ribbon.

Airline Agent:That's not going to work.

George:What if I cry a little?

Jerry:I'll have the liposuction with a side of fries.