The Junior Mint

Jerry:You know, there's a thing about adultery that nobody talks about. You need to be in a committed relationship to commit adultery. I mean, that's the whole thing. You can't just go out and commit adultery willy-nilly. There's a commitment requirement. So in a way, adultery is the most committed thing you can do. It's like, 'I'm so committed to this relationship, I'm gonna cheat on it.'

Jerry:A commitment is a commitment. I mean, that's what it is. It's committed.

Jerry:You know, it's funny how the word 'committed' works. First you're committed to someone - that's good, right? You're in a committed relationship. But then you cheat, and suddenly you need to be committed to a hospital. And if you really mess up, you end up committed to a prison. It's the same word, but it means completely different things. By the end, 'committed' just means they've locked you away somewhere.

Jerry:It's like you're robbing a bank, and your partner in crime robs you. That's not a bank robbery anymore—that's a mugging!

Jerry:I was in the produce section, looking at melons. She was also looking at melons. Our hands touched. It was magical.

George:You met her in produce?

Jerry:Yes. I said, 'These melons are ripe.' She said, 'I know how to pick a melon.' So I said, 'Well, maybe I can help you pick something else.'

George:That's beautiful, man.

Jerry:I know it starts with a 'D'.

Jerry:Donna? Daphne? Ah, it's definitely a 'D' name.

Jerry:Wait, maybe it's a car. Like a Datsun? No... Could be a fish. A Dorado?

Jerry:Why do bananas come with their own wrapper? Because they know they're only going to be around for like three days. You buy a banana, you've got a window. A very specific window. You miss it, you've got a brown stick. You're early, it's too hard. It's like Goldilocks, but with fruit that's actively working against you.

George:Interest is amazing! You know what the best thing about interest is? It's free money. The bank just gives it to you.

Jerry:Yeah, and I have a lot of friends who live that way.

Kramer:I need wood. I gotta have wood. You don't understand—it's not just about the apartment. It's something deeper. I need to feel it, work with it, shape it with my own hands. Wood is life, Jerry. Wood is everything.

Kramer:Wood is good. Wood is great. I love wood.

Jerry:Yeah, it's a nice material.

George:I'm being productive! I'm sitting here watching Home Alone. That's productivity. I'm learning something.

Jerry:You're not learning anything.

George:Yes I am! I'm learning how to set up booby traps. What if I ever need to do that?

Jerry:When would you ever need to do that?

George:I don't know! But if the time comes, I'll be ready. Thanks to Home Alone.

Kramer:I can't use these gloves. I need the fine touch for the staining.

George:Triangles? The guy paints triangles? What is he, a geometry teacher?

Elaine:He's a starving artist.

Jerry:So?

Elaine:So he's fat! How can he be a starving artist if he's fat? If you're starving, you shouldn't have a weight problem.

Elaine:Can you just pretend to be my boyfriend for a minute?

Jerry:Pretend to be your boyfriend? I'm very good at that. I've been doing it for years with my real girlfriends.

Elaine:What?

Jerry:I'm kidding. But seriously, I take my fake boyfriend work very seriously. It's a craft.

Elaine:What is wrong with George?

Jerry:George is George.

Elaine:Roy! Wow, you look... you look really...

Elaine:...different.

Elaine:You look great! You've lost so much weight. I mean, you look really thin. Really, really thin. Like, dangerously thin. Are you eating? Because you're very, very thin.

Roy:Thank you so much for introducing me to Elaine. She's wonderful.

Jerry:Yeah, well, that's what I do. I'm a people person.

Kramer:Look at this! Real surgical gloves! Do you know what I could do with these?

Kramer:I'm like a kid in a candy store here. This is amazing!

Elaine:You know, Roy, when you were heavier, you were like a big whale. Now you're like a regular whale.

Roy:My wife left me for a younger man.

Roy:Best thing that ever happened to me.

Roy:I lost thirty pounds, started working out, got my hair done.

Roy:Then she wanted me back.

Roy:I said, 'No thanks, I'm doing great without you.'

Roy:Come on, work with me here. I'm trying to get comfortable.

Roy:You think you're better than me? I've slept on worse.

Roy:Don't you dare go up on me now. We had a deal.

Jerry:Honey, would you like some tea?

Jerry:You know what? I'm done. This relationship is over!

Kramer:I struck gold! A whole cache of bedpans in the supply closet.

Kramer:I'm telling you, this hospital is a veritable motherlode of tongue depressors.

Kramer:Look at this vein of IV bags. I'm gonna be rich!

Kramer:I'm a technician now. I fixed the IV stand.

Kramer:Look at this—smooth as butter. No wobble, no nothing.

Doctor:Where did you get your medical knowledge?

Kramer:TV.

Kramer:You gotta see this surgery, Jerry. It's fascinating! They're gonna crack open this guy's chest.

Jerry:Kramer, I don't want to watch someone's chest get cracked open.

Kramer:But Jerry, the blood! The organs! It's like the most beautiful thing you'll ever see!

Jerry:That's not beautiful, Kramer. That's horrifying.

Kramer:You're missing out, buddy. I'm gonna be right there in the gallery with my popcorn.

Jerry:You're crying?

George:I'm not crying. There's something in my eye.

Jerry:You're definitely crying.

George:Fine! Yes, okay? The old man character reminded me of my father.

Jerry:Alright, that's it. I'm ending our friendship right now. I don't care how many times you cry at Home Alone, we're done. Our friendship is over.

George:You know, I think Elaine might be going through something. She's acting like Eleanor Roosevelt one minute, then like Amelia Earhart the next.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

George:One minute she's giving speeches about human rights, the next minute she's talking about flying around the world. I think she's confused about who she is.

Jerry:George, that's not what's happening.

George:No, I'm telling you, it's like she's Marie Curie mixed with Joan of Arc. She's radioactive AND she hears voices.

George:So what did Clara Barton do?

Jerry:She was nice.

George:You couldn't handle a suffragette. A woman like that would chew you up and spit you out.

Jerry:Oh please, I could handle a suffragette.

George:You? You can't even handle a woman with her own apartment.

George:You have to ask her name!

Jerry:I don't have to ask her name. I have my ways.

George:Your ways? What ways? You don't have any ways!

Jerry:I have ways, George. Secret ways.

Jerry:They used to call me 'Seinsmelled' in school. I mean, what does that even mean? It's not even a real insult. 'Seinsmelled.' Like I smell? Like my name smells? I didn't even know how to respond to that. What am I supposed to say? 'Oh yeah? Well, you're a... regular smeller!'

Dolores:They called me Dolores. Do you know what that rhymes with?

Jerry:No, what?

Dolores:Clitoris.

Jerry:What rhymes with breast?

George:Fest. Breast fest.

Jerry:That's not a rhyme, that's just adding a word.

George:Well, what about... Zest? Manifest? Conquest?

Jerry:Those don't rhyme with breast!

George:Sure they do. Breast, zest, manifest, conquest... they all have that 'est' sound.

Jerry:That's the end of the word, George. The whole word has to rhyme.

George:Oh. Well then... Pressed? Dressed? Stressed?

Jerry:Those are better, but still...

George:What about Lester? Nestor? Poindexter?

Jerry:Those don't rhyme, those are just names that end in 'ester.'

George:Well, what's the difference?

Jerry:Okay, what's another name?

George:How about... Ishmael?

Jerry:Ishmael? Like from Moby Dick?

George:What's wrong with that? It's a good name.

Jerry:It's the opening line of a novel, George.

George:So? People read books.

Jerry:Okay, next.

George:Pip. Or Heathcliff.

Jerry:Now you're just naming Dickens characters.

George:They're solid names!

Jerry:They're fictional, George. Very fictional.

Jerry:They're taking out my spleen.

Kramer:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't tell me anything! I don't want to know what happens!

Jerry:What are you talking about?

Kramer:I'm gonna see it when I come visit you. Just don't spoil it for me!

Jerry:I got it! The Peterman!

Kramer:Come on, you gotta see this. It's a bypass operation. They're gonna crack open his chest.

Jerry:Kramer, why would we want to watch that?

Kramer:Because it's real. It's life and death. It's watching a fat bastard almost die.

Kramer:You want a Junior Mint?

Jerry:No, I don't want a Junior Mint.

Kramer:They're very refreshing.

Jerry:I'm in the middle of surgery!

Kramer:It'll just take a second.

Jerry:I can't eat a Junior Mint right now!

Kramer:Suit yourself.

Jerry:A mint fell out of Kramer's pocket during surgery.

Kramer:It was a lifesaver!

Jerry:A lifesaver? Kramer, it went right into the patient's open chest cavity!

Kramer:So? Maybe it helped. The guy's still alive, isn't he?

Jerry:So let me get this straight. You went to the dentist, they told you that you have a cavity, you didn't believe them, so you went to get a second opinion from a mint chocolate chip ice cream vendor?

Kramer:No, no, no. The mint was just to cover up the smell.

Jerry:Cover up the smell? Kramer, you can't cover up a cavity with a mint!

Kramer:Why not? It's worked before.

George:So let me get this straight. You're telling me that the doctor put a mint in my mouth during the procedure?

Jerry:That's what he said.

George:A mint? During surgery?

Jerry:He said it freshens your breath.

George:My breath? I'm unconscious! Who am I impressing?

Jerry:That's malpractice, George.

George:You're damn right it's malpractice!

George:It's not like I ate it. I just... placed it there.

Jerry:George, you put a mint in your mouth. That's eating.

George:No, no, no. Eating implies consumption. This was temporary storage.

Jerry:Your mouth is not a Tupperware container.

Jerry:You forced the mint on me!

Kramer:I didn't force it on you. Junior Mints are irresistible. I merely suggested it.

Jerry:You didn't suggest it, you shoved it in my mouth!

Kramer:Well, they're a lot better after they warm up a little bit.

Elaine:Roy's condition is really worsening. I mean, he's getting worse every day.

Elaine:But you know what? He's still really attractive. I mean, even now, with all this going on, he's still got it.

George:So what's the deal with Roy? Is he gonna make it?

George:Well, if he doesn't... his paintings are gonna be worth a lot more money.

Jerry:I have to tell you something. I did something terrible.

Kramer:What? What did you do?

Jerry:I took a mint from the bowl at the dentist's office without asking.

Kramer:You what?

Jerry:I just took it. I didn't even ask.

Kramer:That's not so bad.

Jerry:Not so bad? I'm a thief! I'm no better than Oswald, Sirhan Sirhan, or John Wilkes Booth!

Dolores:You're very tense.

Jerry:Yeah, well, I got a lot on my mind.

Dolores:Anything you want to talk about?

Jerry:No, it's just... you know, I'm thinking about committing homicide.

Jerry:So I'm at the coffee shop, and I see this woman I went out with once. I haven't seen her in years. I'm trying to be casual, you know? So I go, 'Hey... Sandra!'

Jerry:Her name was Brenda.

Jerry:My aunt... my Aunt Mae. She lives in Florida. She's very ill.

Dolores:Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

Jerry:Yeah, well, she doesn't have much time left. And her dying wish is to meet someone named... Mulva.

Dolores:You went through my purse?

Jerry:I was looking for gum.

Dolores:You found my Junior Mints!

Jerry:No! No, I didn't!

Kramer:Dolores!

Dolores:Yes?

Kramer:Nothing, I just wanted to hear you say your name.

George:I'm out there Jerry, and I'm lovin' it!

George:Yeah, I'm George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Dolores:Oh!

George:Well, I'm back to the unemployment line.

George:I had money on Roy not making it through the surgery.

Jerry:You bet against a man's life?

George:I bought three of his paintings at an estate sale. They're worthless now that he's alive. If he had died, they would've been worth a fortune.

Jerry:So you're disappointed he survived?

George:Of course I am! Do you know what a dead artist's work goes for?

Doctor:It's quite remarkable. We have no medical explanation for his recovery. It's almost as if... a higher power intervened.

Jerry:A higher power?

Doctor:Yes. Some kind of divine miracle.

Kramer:It was a mint. I gave him a mint.

Doctor:Would you like a mint?

Kramer:Sure.

Doctor:They're very refreshing.

Kramer:Refreshing? After what just happened in there?

Jerry:So this is autographed to... Mulva?

Female Character:No, it's Milverton.

Jerry:Milverton? That's not a name, that's a napkin!

Female Character:It's autographed to my uncle.

Dolores:You wrote 'To Dolores' on the napkin, but you signed it 'Jerry.' That's not even your real name!

Jerry:What? Of course it's my real name. Jerry Seinfeld.

Dolores:No, I know who you are. I'm talking about the signature. It says 'Jerry' but you always tell people your name is 'Master of Your Domain.'

Jerry:Is it Dolores?

Dolores:Yes!

Jerry:I knew it had a 'D' in it.

Jerry:Wait, wait, wait. Before you go, I just need to know your name.

Jerry:Is it... Mulva?

Jerry:Gipple?

Jerry:Jipple?

Jerry:Sipple?

Jerry:Nipple?

Jerry:You know what I realized? As a kid, you don't care about anything except candy. That's it. Your parents could be getting divorced, your dog could be dying, but if someone says 'Hey, want some candy?' you're like 'Yeah!' You don't even ask questions. 'What kind?' No! You just go. Because candy is the only thing that matters. Everything else is just noise between pieces of candy.

Jerry:You know what's interesting about M&Ms? They've become very sophisticated. Kids these days, they're not just eating candy anymore, they're experiencing it. I was at a party, a kid picks up an M&M, holds it up to the light like it's a fine wine. 'Hmm, yes, note the candy shell... a hint of chocolate... the mouth feel is quite smooth.' I'm like, it's an M&M! You're supposed to just throw it in your mouth!