The Jimmy

Jerry:You ever notice shoe shopping is like a zombie apocalypse? Everyone's just shuffling around in a daze, staring straight ahead, not making eye contact with anyone. A guy tries on a shoe, walks around like he's checking for bite marks. And the salesman just follows you around like he's trying to infect you with a purchase. 'How does that feel?' No, I'm fine, I'm immune.

Jerry:I'm like a zombie looking for shoes. 'Uhhhhh, do you have this in a 9?'

Jerry:You know what I think these mirrors are for? So cats can see themselves. They're shopping for shoes too.

Jerry:I'm telling you, this mirror is too low. I have to bend down to see myself.

George:So what? Just bend down.

Jerry:I shouldn't have to bend down in my own apartment. What if a homeless person lived here? He'd think this was perfect.

George:Jimmy's always talking about himself in the third person. 'Jimmy needs a new pair of shoes.' 'Jimmy's hungry.' It's like he's narrating his own life.

George:So I'm thinking, what happens when he plays basketball? 'Jimmy's got the ball. Jimmy's going in for the lay-up. Oh no, Jimmy just traveled.' The ref's standing there going, 'Who is this guy talking to?'

George:These losses, they're festering. Like a wound that won't heal.

George:And now it's spreading. It's like a plague. A plague of losses!

Jimmy:I couldn't jump before the shoes. With the shoes, I'm like a different person. I'm like a man who can jump.

Kramer:These shoes, they're not just shoes. When you put them on, your calves don't just develop — they EXPLODE with power. Your quads? Forget about it. They're like steel cables wrapped around your legs. And your glutes — your glutes become so powerful, you won't be able to sit down for a week!

Jerry:So you're saying these shoes actually work?

Jerry:Why are you still sweating? You just took a shower.

George:Yeah, well, it didn't take.

George:I'm like a car that overheats. My engine runs hot, so the radiator kicks in. That's what my sweat glands are doing.

Jerry:You know what a cold shower is like? It's like... it's like a woman who says 'no' but means 'yes.' You're not sure what's happening, but you're committed to seeing it through.

George:So the doctor said I can't eat anything before the surgery.

Jerry:Oh, that's just a formality. Eat a big breakfast. You need your strength.

George:Really?

Jerry:Sure. They just say that so you don't feel bloated during the procedure. But the food will give you energy. It's basic biology.

George:I don't know, Jerry...

Jerry:Trust me. I read about it. Well, I skimmed an article. Okay, I saw a headline. But it was definitely about pre-surgery eating being fine.

Wilhelm:They stole vitamins? What kind of thief steals vitamins?

Jerry:A health-conscious one.

Elaine:Mel Tormé was called 'The Velvet Fog.'

Jerry:The Velvet Fog? What does that even mean? Is he a fog? Made of velvet? Why would anyone want to be a fog?

Elaine:Why won't you go see Mel Tormé with me?

Jerry:I can't stand Mel Tormé. I don't like the way he pronounces his name. It's Mel TOR-may, not Mel tor-MAY. And he keeps doing that thing where he snaps his fingers. I find it very irritating.

Jerry:I don't like male singers. There's something about a man singing that just bothers me. The way they sway back and forth, eyes closed, like they're feeling it so deeply. It's embarrassing to watch. I feel like I'm intruding on something private.

Elaine:Do you know any handsome men?

Jerry:I don't really notice men that way.

Jerry:I don't find men beautiful. I can appreciate the human form, but beauty in men? No. I can see how a woman might think a man is attractive, but I don't look at a man and think 'beautiful.'

Jerry:A man can be handsome, he can be rugged, he can have nice features. But beautiful? That's a woman thing. Men are not beautiful. We're just... here.

Jerry:And frankly, most of the time, we're repugnant. We're sweaty, we're hairy, we smell like we've been eating salami in a gym locker. I look at most men and I think 'Why? Why would anyone want to look at that?'

Jerry:I find men repugnant.

Kramer:...

Jerry:George Will? The guy writes about politics and baseball. He's not that smart. I've seen him on TV — he wears those bow ties like he's trying to distract you from the fact that half his arguments don't make sense.

Jerry:I didn't look at it.

George:You looked at it.

Jerry:I glanced at it.

George:That's looking at it.

Jerry:No, glancing is different. You can glance at something without really looking at it.

George:I'm really looking forward to this dentist appointment.

Jerry:What? You look forward to dentist appointments?

George:Yeah, Dr. Whatley has Penthouse magazines in his waiting room. I'm thinking about switching my appointment to every week.

George:Not that there's anything wrong with that!

George:I'm telling you, Jimmy, this shoe business, it's not as easy as it looks.

Jimmy:Jimmy knows. Jimmy's been in shoes for thirty years.

George:Well, George has been in shoes for five minutes, and George is already exhausted.

George:This is too spicy! Why would anyone eat this?

George:I can't feel my mouth. I think I'm dying.

Jimmy:So I was thinking, maybe you and I could go out sometime?

Elaine:Oh, that's sweet, but I don't think so.

Jimmy:Jimmy thinks you're really beautiful and would love to take you to dinner.

Elaine:Okay, that's creepy. Stop talking about yourself in the third person.

Elaine:Do you like Mel Tormé?

Jimmy:Oh, I love Mel Tormé. I'm telling you, the man is the Velvet Fog. He's unbelievable.

Kramer:I'm just reading the articles.

Kramer:Well, some people swear when they stub their toe, some people swear when they hit their thumb with a hammer. I swear when I see a dentist.

Jerry:Kramer, you're drooling.

Kramer:I know.

Jimmy:Jimmy's okay. Jimmy's gonna be alright.

Jimmy:Jimmy thinks Kramer should pay for the medical bills!

Jimmy:Jimmy's lawyer says Jimmy has a case!

Jimmy:Jimmy demands Kramer pay up, or Jimmy's gonna sue!

Kramer:I'm numb.

Jerry:You're unemployed.

Kramer:I'm between jobs.

Jerry:You're unemployed.

Wilhelm:Why are you sweating?

George:George is not sweating.

Wilhelm:Your shirt is drenched.

George:George is a very warm person.

Jerry:I don't tuck my shirt in. I let it hang out. It's more comfortable that way.

Jerry:Why does society demand that we tuck our shirts in? It's just fabric. Let it breathe.

Jerry:A dental violation? What are you talking about?

Dentist:You used my electric toothbrush.

Jerry:So what? What's the big deal?

Dentist:It's unsanitary. It's like you went to the bathroom in my pool.

Jerry:Well, I didn't know it was a big violation. I thought we were close enough that you wouldn't mind.

Dentist:We're not close. You're a patient. I'm a dentist.

Jerry:Yeah, but I've been coming here for years.

Dentist:And now you're banned for life.

Jerry:Banned? What am I, Nero?

Kramer:You were violated by two people!

Jerry:Well, at least I'm not alone in this.

George:You know, I have a good feeling about this. I think Elaine's going to have a very nice evening with this guy.

George:In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that by the end of the night, he's going to want to see her again.

George:And she's going to want to see him again. It's gonna be reciprocal.

Jerry:Why do you always do that thing where you pause in the middle of a sentence?

George:I don't... know what you're talking about.

Jerry:You just did it again!

George:No I didn't. I was just... thinking about what to say next.

Jerry:Why do you always talk about yourself in the third person?

George:George likes to refer to George in the third person. It makes George feel like he's not responsible for his actions.

Jimmy:I don't like misunderstandings. I like things to be clear and direct.

Elaine:So this guy, he's gay, right? And he's got a boyfriend. I'm like, 'That's nice.' But then I start thinking - what if I had a boyfriend? What would I even do with him?

Elaine:I mean, Elaine doesn't know how to have a boyfriend. Elaine's never had a boyfriend. Elaine just has... guys she goes out with.

Jimmy:That's a beautiful dress.

Elaine:Oh, thank you. Elaine appreciates that.

Kramer:Jimmy's a little high-strung.

George:George is not a thief. George is many things, but a thief is not one of them.

Steinbrenner:Then how do you explain the missing briefcase?

George:George doesn't know anything about any briefcase. George thinks you should check with your accountant.

Steinbrenner:I'd eat a shoe before I'd use that mustard.

Steinbrenner:You see, I have a very particular method for eating cupcakes. I eat dessert dessert.

Jerry:So you're telling me that my dentist and his hygienist are... in the chair?

Whatley:It was just one time.

Jerry:One time?! In my mouth?!

Whatley:We were very careful.