The Burning

Elaine:Okay, so you put your hands on the wheel at ten and two. You know, ten and two.

Puddy:Ten and two.

Elaine:Yes. Not nine and three. Not eleven and one. Ten and two.

Puddy:I got it.

Elaine:And your thumbs have to be on the outside of the wheel. Not wrapped around. Outside.

Elaine:What is all this? Christian rock?

Puddy:Yeah, I'm very into it.

Elaine:All of them? Every station?

Puddy:It's the only music that speaks to me.

Christian Rock Singer:Jesus is my savior, he died for my sins, I'm gonna meet him up in heaven, and we're gonna be friends.

Kruger:I need everyone to bring me their... their... you know, that thing you write up. With the numbers.

Employee:A report?

Kruger:Yes! That's it. Report. I knew that.

Kruger:So we're looking at a quarterly loss of about 40,000 dollars. Now, is that the red or the black?

George:It's the red.

Kruger:Oh no! We're in the red!

George:You want to know the secret to cash flow? Float a check. Write a check from an account that doesn't have the money in it yet. By the time it clears, you'll have made a deposit.

George:It's not illegal if you intend to cover it. I do it all the time. I've got checks floating all over the city.

George:We'll tell them we're from the cleaning service. We'll go in, we'll look around, and if we see anything we like, we'll just take it.

George:Hello, we are here to clean. Yes, we are very professional cleaners. We have the mop, we have the bucket. We are ready to clean your home now.

George:We're living in a SOCIETY! We're supposed to act in a CERTAIN WAY!

Kruger:We're gonna have to make some cutbacks.

George:Cutbacks? But sir, I just got here!

Kruger:I'm aware of that. But I'm gonna need you to take a pay cut.

George:A pay cut?! But you haven't even given me a salary yet!

Kruger:Well, that's what we're cutting back FROM.

George:I can never figure out how to end a meeting. I just sit there.

Jerry:You gotta do what the Vegas performers do. You gotta leave them wanting more. You end on a high note, you get out while you're ahead.

George:Just get up and leave?

Jerry:That's it. Mid-sentence if you have to. They'll be so confused, they won't even know the meeting's over.

Jerry:Christian rock is actually pretty good. I mean, it's positive music with a message.

Jerry:Unlike real musicians, who just want to sleep with your girlfriend and steal your car.

Elaine:I'll take dumb and lazy. At least I understand those.

Kramer:You know what you need? The old switcheroo.

Jerry:What's the switcheroo?

Kramer:You know, you go into a store, you switch the price tags on the merchandise.

Jerry:That's not the switcheroo. The switcheroo is when you got two people, and they, uh... they switch positions.

Kramer:No, no.

Jerry:And then one of them gets killed.

Kramer:You see, the radio comes on, you think it's gonna be one thing, but then it's another thing. That's the old switcheroo.

Sophie:How long have we been together?

Jerry:You know, it's hard to say. I mean, what does 'together' even mean? Are we talking calendar days? Because if you count weekends differently...

Elaine:He's back in the picture because I need a ride to the airport.

Jerry:Do medical schools actually hire actors?

Kramer:Oh, the best ones do. Yeah, they need somebody who can really sell it.

Jerry:Hello? Hello? Who is this? Oh, it's you! I didn't recognize your voice. Sorry, I'm a comedian. I do voices. I'm very good with voices. That's actually my thing. I have a lot of credentials in the voice department.

Sophie:Jerry, it's Sophie.

Jerry:Yeah, I know that NOW.

Employee:We had to restore the statue, but we couldn't find the original head. So we just used whatever we had lying around.

Employee:Now it's got this softball-sized head. Looks ridiculous.

George:We could drill some holes in it, stick it on a pole. Make it look like the Headless Horseman from Sleepy Hollow!

George:It won't work.

Jerry:Why not?

George:Because I'm George. I'm unemployed, I live with my parents, I have never been on a date in my entire life. I'm a loser.

Jerry:So change it. Just tell her something different.

George:Like what?

Jerry:I don't know. Pretend you're an architect or something.

George:My name's George. I'm an architect.

Mickey:I'll trade you. You take bacterial meningitis, I'll take the mumps.

Kramer:Bacterial meningitis? That's the Hamlet of diseases!

Kramer:Meningitis is the Hamlet of diseases. The symptoms are like a Broadway show review - 'To be or not to be... that is the question.' Fever, headache, stiff neck - it's a full production!

George:I saw Titanic. You know what bothered me? The whole thing. If the ocean is that cold, how is anyone surviving in it? And if the ship is sinking, why are people just standing around talking about their feelings?

George:But here's what really got me - that drawing scene. He draws her like one of his French girls. French girls? The guy's supposed to be a starving artist, but he's got charcoal and paper on a first-class ship? Where'd he get that?

George:And the whole ending - she's floating on a door, he's in the water, he dies. But somehow she survives and lives to be an old woman? With that diamond? That's not romance, that's fraud. She's got diamonds!

Elaine:Wait, what is this? 'Jesus Fish' on your bumper?

Puddy:Yeah, what's the problem?

Elaine:The problem? Puddy, you never told me you were religious!

Puddy:I'm not really religious. It just came with the car.

Elaine:You can't just have a Jesus Fish and not be religious! That's false advertising!

Puddy:It's a fish, Elaine.

Elaine:It's not just a fish — it's a symbol. A symbol of faith!

Elaine:I can't believe you're getting all spiritual on me. I chose you because you were shallow!

Jerry:It's me. Who says that? It's me. Like there's only one 'me' in the world. Like I'm supposed to know who you are by the sound of your voice. It's me! Well, it's not you. That much I know. And it's not him, because I'm talking to you. So by process of elimination, it must be you. But you're the one who called me!

Jerry:You know what I hate? People who are so self-absorbed, everything is about them. 'It's me, it's all about me.' And then you got these musicians, right? They're up on stage, and what are they wearing? Expensive shoes! Five hundred dollar shoes! Why? So people can look at their feet? Play the guitar, not the floor!

Kramer:I got gonorrhea.

Jerry:So?

Kramer:There are no small parts, only small actors. Well, I got news for you — I got a small part, and it's got gonorrhea!

George:I'm out! I'm out of here! This is it, I'm done! I'm leaving!

Jerry:George, what are you talking about?

George:Vegas, Jerry! I can't take it anymore. Every time I go there, something goes wrong. I'm jinxed!

Kramer:You're not jinxed, George. You just gotta relax.

George:Relax? I lost my wallet, my shirt, and my dignity!

Kramer:I'm gonna do some method acting. I'm gonna really commit to the role. I'm gonna actually contract gonorrhea so I can authentically portray the symptoms.

Jerry:Kramer, no!

Kramer:It's called dedication, Jerry. Laurence Olivier didn't shy away from the physical demands of a role.

Kramer:I met this woman at a hat store. She was trying on hats, I was trying on hats. We locked eyes over a panama. It was magic. We started dating, things were going great, and then... she gave me gonorrhea.

George · Jerry:You don't hear that much about God anymore. / I hear things.

Jerry:A gander is a male goose.

George:So what's a goose?

Jerry:A goose is a female gander.

Elaine:Is it a problem that I'm not really religious?

Puddy:No, no, it's fine. You're going to hell, but that's okay.

Kramer:Sophie stole a tractor.

Jerry:A tractor? How is she gonna steal a tractor? You can't exactly hide a tractor. You can't put it in your jacket pocket and walk out of the farm.

Kramer:I had a tractor accident.

Jerry:You're going to hell.

Elaine:I'll have the coffee and the devil's food cake.

Kruger:You're on today, George. You're really on.

George:Thanks, Mr. Kruger.

Kruger:I don't know what it is. You've got a spring in your step. You're telling jokes. You seem happy.

George:Well, I am happy.

Kruger:Keep it up. Whatever you're doing, keep doing it.

George:I will.

George:Mr. Kruger, I want to show you something. I've been practicing a very specific skill that I think really sets me apart.

Mr. Kruger:What is it, Costanza?

George:Chair spinning. Watch this.

George:I can spin in this chair for hours. It's a valuable asset in any office environment. Increases productivity, keeps the blood flowing to the brain.

Kramer:I'm being typecast! Every time there's a disease, they call me. Gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes... I'm like the disease guy!

Jerry:Well, you are good at diseases.

Kramer:I want to do other things! I want range! I want to play a doctor, a lawyer, a man who doesn't have a communicable disease!

Jerry:You know what's crazy? Chess pieces. A knight on a horse? That's outdated. Nobody rides horses anymore. But they keep the knight on the horse. Why? Because it looks cool. That's the only reason. Form over function. Just like that tractor story I heard. You know the one? The mysterious tractor story? No? Well, neither do I. But I bet it had a knight on a horse in it.

Jerry:Let me see your thumbs.

Sophie:What? Why?

Jerry:I just want to see them. Come on, show me your thumbs.

Sophie:This is crazy. You're obsessed with that tractor and now you want to look at my thumbs?

Jerry:They're not related! I just... I need to see if you have normal thumbs or weird thumbs. It's important.

George:He's disappeared. He just vanished. I haven't seen him all day.

Jerry:Where do you think he is?

George:I don't know. But I'll tell you something — his office door is closed, the blinds are drawn, and there's a 'do not disturb' sign on the knob.

Jerry:So?

George:So? So he's napping! I can see his feet sticking out from under the desk!

Elaine:Can you grab a newspaper?

Puddy:No, it's Sunday.

Elaine:So?

Puddy:So, no reading on the Sabbath.

Elaine:But you were just reading the TV Guide.

Puddy:That's different.

Elaine:How is that different?

Puddy:TV Guide's not a newspaper, it's a magazine.

Elaine:That's such a double standard!

Puddy:Yeah, well, you're going to Hell.

Elaine:I'm going to hell! Do you know what it's like to go to hell? It's like New Jersey, but hotter. And there's no Zagat guide. You don't know where to eat. You're wandering around for all eternity going, 'Is this a good place? Should we try that one?' And the food is terrible. Everything tastes like a tuna sandwich left in a car in July. And there's no A/C. It's just hot and humid and nobody's showered since 1987. And the music – oh God, the music! It's just smooth jazz. Smooth jazz for all eternity. And it never changes. The same Kenny G song over and over. And you can't leave. You're stuck there forever with the same people making small talk.

Elaine:It's gonna be so hot, you're gonna suffer and suffer and suffer.

Puddy:Yeah, that does sound pretty bad.

Elaine:I didn't steal it!

Puddy:You took my Jesus fish!

Elaine:So what if I did? It's just a fish!

Kramer:I'm telling you, I got cirrhosis!

Mickey:You can't have cirrhosis. I own cirrhosis.

Priest:You're not married?

Priest:You're both going to hell.

Elaine:I'm going to hell.

Puddy:Well, I'm already going there. We can carpool.

Sophie:You want to know about the tractor? Fine, I tell you. It was nothing. I had this condition, you see, the doctors they didn't know what it was. So my friend Ida, she says to me, 'Sophie, you need to sit on a tractor. The vibrations, they fix everything.' So I sit on the tractor in Feldman's field. Nothing happened! But Ida, she was so sure, so convinced. That's the whole story. A tractor and a crazy woman.

George:I'm out. I'm done. This is it for me and Sophie.

George:You know what? I'm going to Vegas. I'm gonna start over. New name, new life, new everything.

Kruger:Giddy up!

Kruger:Well, I'm gonna go.

George:No, no, no. You can't just leave like that. You gotta do the Vegas technique.

Kruger:The Vegas technique?

George:Yeah, you honk the car horn. It's a great exit.

Kruger:I don't think so.

George:No, trust me. Here, I'll do it.

George:Hands a little smelly?

Jerry:Why do I seek your counsel?

Elaine · George:Well, I'm going to hell. That seems about right. According to Puddy.

Jerry · Elaine:What do you care? You don't believe in hell. / I know, but he does. / So it's more of a relationship problem than the final destination of your soul.

Jerry:Maybe you can strike one up with the prince of darkness as you burn for all eternity.

George:And a slice of Devil's fruitcake.

Kruger:They're all off the project. They were boring. George, you are my main man.

Kruger:I don't know what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but lately you have just seemed 'on'. And you always leave me wanting more.

Kruger · George:George? Check it out. Three times around, no feet. / And? / All me.

Mickey:Cirrhosis of the liver with jaundice! Alright, I get to wear make-up!

Kramer · doctor:Gonorrhea again? Excuse me, I think there's been a mistake. / Oh, it's no mistake. We loved what you did with it.

Kramer:I don't believe this. I'm being typecast!

Sophie · Jerry:They should update these pieces, nobody rides horses anymore. / Maybe they should change it to a tractor.

Sophie · Jerry · George:Yesterday I lost control of my car, almost bought the farm. / Bought the farm? / Tractor!

Sophie:This is an odd side of you, Jerry. I feel uncomfortable.

Jerry:Wait, don't go. Let's thumb wrestle.

George · Jerry:A scar? A big long scar, where her leg would dangle when she's riding a...? / A tractor.

George:Well, if she keeps horsing around with that tractor--

George:The only reason I got out to get a bite today was that he finally promised to buckle down and do some actual work.

Kruger · George:Kruger is found asleep at his desk with sleep creases on his face when George returns from lunch

George · Kruger:Mr. Kruger? Who said he was going to do some actual work today? Who? / I'm not too worried about it.

Elaine · Puddy:Why don't you just grab that one. / 'Cause that belongs to Mr. Potato Guy, that's his. / C'mon, get it. / Well if you want it, you get it. / Sorry, thou shalt not steal.

Elaine · Puddy:Oh, but it's ok for me? / What do you care. You know where you're going.

Elaine · Puddy:Alright, that is it! I can't live like this. / C'mon. / Alright, what did I do? / David, I'm going to hell! The worst place in the world! With devils and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My God, the heat!

Elaine · Puddy:What do you think about all that? / Gonna be rough.

Elaine · Puddy:You should be trying to save me! / Don't boss me!

Puddy:This is why you're going to hell.

Puddy · Elaine:You stole my Jesus fish, didn't you? / Yeah, that's right!

Mickey:Oh, my liver! Why did I drink all those years? Why did I look for love in a bottle?

Mickey · Kramer:Wait a minute. What? You are doing gonorrhea, aren't you? / Well, we'll see.

Kramer:Well, I guess it started about twenty years ago when I got back from Viet Nam, and this was the only friend I had left.

Mickey:Hey! That's my cirrhosis! He's stealing my cirrhosis!

Mickey:You wanna be sick? I'll make you sick.

medical student:Cirrhosis of the liver and — PCP addiction?

priest · Elaine · Puddy:Let me see if I understand this. You're concerned that he isn't concerned that you're going to hell. And you feel that she's too bossy. / Yeah, that's right.

Elaine · Puddy · priest:Woah, woah, woah! No one's getting married here. / You aren't? / No. / Oh.

priest:Well, then it's simple. You're both going to hell.

Puddy:No way. This is bogus, man!

priest · Elaine:Oh, did you hear the one about the new guy in hell who's talking to the devil by the coffee machine? / I'm really not in the mood. I'm going to hell. / Oh, lighten up. It'll only feel like an eternity.

Sophie:Jerry, there's this thing I haven't told you about. See, there was this tractor and-- Oh boy, this is really difficult.

Jerry · Sophie:Jerry: Sophie, it's me. I know about the tractor story and I'm fine with it.

Mickey · Kramer:You gave me gonorrhea, you didn't even tell me! / Well, I'm sorry. I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun with it.

Kramer · Mickey · Sophie:No, I understand. This could be a tough thing to deal with. The important thing is that you have a partner who's supportive. / You know? She's right.

Sophie · Jerry:Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor. / You got gonorrhea from a tractor? / And you call that the tractor story?

George:Alright, that's it for me. You've been great. Goodnight everybody.

Jerry:Alright, that's it for me. You've been great. Goodnight everybody. [Jerry exits after the tractor-gonorrhea revelation]

Kruger · George:You seem like you've got a pretty good handle on it. / No! I don't! Don't you even care? This is your company! It's your name on the outside of the building!

George · Kruger:Speaking of which — the 'R' fell off and all it says now is K-Uger! / K-Uger, that sounds like one of those old-time car horns, huh? K-Uger! K-Uger!

George · Kruger:You are too much, Mr. Kruger! Too much! / Thank you George, you've been great. That's it for me. / Oh no, you're not going out on a high note with me, Mr. Kruger! / It's K-Uger! / No! No! / Goodnight everybody!