Farmers Market

Leslie:Ben, that tie really brings out your eyes. Have you been working out? Those shirts fit you differently.

Ben:Look, I was just being friendly. Calling Leslie 'adorable' is a term of endearment, it doesn't have to be inappropriate.

Jerry:Ben, she works for you.

Ben:I call Tom 'buddy' all the time.

Tom:Yeah, but you're not trying to sleep with me.

Leslie:We finish each other's sentences.

Ben:It's like we share the same—

Leslie:Brain.

Ben:Exactly. And we're so comfortable with each other that we practice conversations naked in bed.

Leslie:Yeah, we rehearse what we're gonna say to people before we say it to them.

Ben:Completely nude. For hours sometimes.

Leslie:Oh my god.

Ben:What did we just—

Leslie:We told them everything.

Ben:Everything.

Leslie:Ben, I need to tell you something. I love you. I'm in love with you.

Ben:Leslie, we're in a public meeting right now.

Leslie:I don't care. Everyone needs to know that you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Ben:I love you too, but this is highly inappropriate.

Leslie:Inappropriate? This is the most appropriate thing I've ever done!

Ron:I have no idea what any of you are talking about. I'm going to my office to do some woodworking.

Leslie:Come on, Ron! Group hug!

Ron:I would rather die.

Leslie:GH! GH everyone!

Ben:What does GH mean?

Leslie:Group hug! It's faster!

Leslie:Ron, come here, group hug!

Ron:Absolutely not.

Leslie:Ron!

Ron:No.

Ben:Come on, Ron.

Ron:I'm warning you people.

Leslie:Three, two, one!

Ron:I tried to warn you.

Leslie:Ow, ow, ow! Ron, your belt buckle is stabbing me!

Ben:And you're stepping on my foot!

Ron:I said no.

Ann:I feel like a whale. My feet are killing me.

Chris:Actually, whales don't have feet. They have flippers. So anatomically, you're more of a manatee.

Ann:I'm so clumsy right now. I feel like a bowling pin that was made on a Friday afternoon by someone who didn't care anymore.

Chris:I could rub your feet. I've taken a prenatal foot massage course.

Ann:You took a prenatal foot massage course?

Chris:Well, I watched a video on BabyCenter.com about it. Apparently, if you press the wrong spot on a pregnant woman's foot, it can induce labor.

Ann:That's not real.

Chris:Are you sure? Because I'm not taking any chances.

Ann:Chris is really great. He's so positive and energetic, and he cares so much about the work. I think he's an amazing guy.

Ann:But my God, he is exhausting. Like, relentlessly so. I feel like I need a nap after every conversation with him.

Leslie:Oh my God, look at all these vegetables! Are these... are these locally sourced?

Vendor:Yes, everything here is grown within ten miles.

Leslie:That's amazing. Do you grow these indoors or outdoors? Actually, don't answer that. I'm going to guess... both?

Vendor:Outdoors.

Leslie:Right, because that's where the sun is. I knew that. How much for the... the leafy greens? Are those vegetables or just leaves you picked up?

Vendor:Those are lettuces.

Leslie:Of course they are. I'm going to buy all of them and have them for dinner tonight. Raw. Like nature intended.

Vendor:You like cabbage? Because let me tell you, there are SO many fun things about cabbage!

Connie:Like what?

Vendor:Well... it's round. And it's... also green.

Nolan:Welcome to Sexy Chard! Get your sexy chard here!

Nolan:This chard is so hot, it needs a cold shower!

Nolan:Come get your greens, baby! This chard will make you blush!

Customer:Oh wow, this is... this is just regular chard. This isn't sexy at all. It tastes like chard. It's bitter and earthy and honestly kind of disappointing.

Leslie:These vendors are completely violating the rules!

Ben:What rules? What are you talking about?

Leslie:My rules! I made them very clear.

Ben:Leslie, those are just vegetable puns on a wooden sign.

Leslie:You know what, Ben? I'm not going to apologize for my vegetable puns. In fact, I think they're radishing. Absolutely radishing. And if you don't like them, you can turnip the heat in here because I'm on a roll. A whole wheat roll. With vegetables in it.

Leslie:I have created an elaborate system of vegetable puns and rules that I follow religiously.

Leslie:But I have to be honest with you... I don't even like vegetables.

Connie:If you want to compete with the sexy chard stand, you're gonna have to sex up your vegetables.

Leslie:What do you mean, sex them up?

Connie:Well, look at the cabbage guy over there. He's really putting himself out there.

April:He plays ukulele. There's a difference.

April:So how much do you want to charge for the kids' party?

Andy:I don't know, like fifty bucks?

April:Fifty dollars? That seems reasonable.

Andy:Wait, or did you mean fifty cents? Because I would also do it for fifty cents.

April:Andy, that's a quarter per hour.

Andy:I know what I said.

Andy:Okay, so we made $500 from that gig. There's five of us in the band, so that's... $500 divided by five... carry the one... $8,000 each!

Andy:Wait, that doesn't seem right. Let me recalculate. $500 times five equals... negative $2,000. So we each owe $2,000.

Tom:My pores are like the Grand Canyon. You could land a helicopter in there. I'm pretty sure there's a Native American tribe living in my left cheek.

Ann:What are you guys doing?

Tom:Whine and cheese.

Ann:I'm pregnant, so I have to pee all the time. It's like there's a violent beach ball inside me that's constantly pushing down on my bladder.

Ann:I can't eat soft cheese! I can't eat deli meat! I can't eat sushi! I can't even have caffeine! Do you know what I can eat? Nothing! I can eat nothing!

Ann:I'm like Pac-Man, just eating cinnamon buns in a maze, and the ghosts are just chasing me around, but I don't care because I'm eating cinnamon buns.

Ann:I just want to be Pac-Man, you know? Just moving through life, eating everything in my path, not worrying about anything else. Just eating and moving, eating and moving.

Ben:What reason could we possibly give to kick out the chard vendors?

Leslie:Porn on the cob.

Leslie:I'm on a roll. A whole wheat roll.

Leslie:I'm getting better at this pun thing.

Ben:We need to establish a firewall between our work and personal relationship.

Leslie:A firewall? Ben, I'm not a computer system that needs protecting.

Ben:No, I mean we need boundaries. Clear separation. Like a firewall.

Leslie:Oh my God, did you just try to use IT jargon to describe our relationship? That's the least romantic thing you've ever said to me.

Leslie:Okay, so a nuclear explosion happens and Indiana Jones just hides in a refrigerator? A refrigerator! And somehow he survives completely unscathed? That's not how physics works! That's not how any of this works! And then—and THEN—he swings on vines with monkeys like he's Tarzan? Indiana Jones is an archaeologist, not a primate! This movie is an insult to cinema, to archaeology, and to refrigerators everywhere!

Leslie:Wait, so you're saying if I technically didn't know the firewall existed, I wouldn't be breaking it?

Ben:No, Leslie, that's not—

Leslie:Because I'm choosing not to know about it right now.

Leslie:I made toffee surprise!

Ben:What's the surprise?

Leslie:Toffee.

Ann:I feel like my stomach is expanding in all directions. I'm like one of those old-fashioned globes that opens up to reveal a bar inside.

Chris:Okay, so nipple soreness is very common during pregnancy. You might want to try some nipple cream. I have nipple cream in my office. Would you like me to get my nipple cream? I'm very comfortable talking about nipples. Nipples, nipples, nipples.

Ann:Chris, please stop saying 'nipple.' I'm begging you.

Chris:I was trying to avoid saying... that word. So I said 'boob hats' instead.

Andy:Alright guys, let's run through our setlist for the kids' party tomorrow.

Andy:One, two, three, four!

Andy:🎵 She took me down to the river, said 'Boy, you better learn to swim,' If you don't know how to love a woman, then you don't know... 🎵

April:Andy, those are completely inappropriate lyrics for a children's party.

Andy:What? Kids love this song!

Jerry:I don't think the parents are going to appreciate it.

Band member:We're playing for kids? At a six-year-old's birthday party?

Band member:Dave Grohl is gonna be there.

Andy:Look, you don't know where Dave Grohl is right now. He could be anywhere. He could be in this room. Have you checked everywhere?

Band Member:I'm quitting the band. This is too rabbinical for me.

Andy:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Umbilical? Dude, we're not even pregnant.

Nolan:Chard needs sexy marketing. It tastes like a stripper's armpit.

Leslie:Chard is like if a vegetable gave up on life. It's sad lettuce. Limp, lifeless sad lettuce that tastes like dirt and broken dreams.

Ben:An approval pen? Leslie, that's not a real thing.

Leslie:It's not? Well, I made you one anyway.

Tom:Ann, you're out of the complaining club.

Jerry:What? Why?

Tom:Because you're always so positive and optimistic. You don't fit in with us.

Ann:Well, what are you guys going to do instead?

Tom:We've upgraded to more luxurious vices. We're now a brandy and cigar club.

Ann:I can't believe you guys would exclude me like this! I thought we were friends! I thought—

Ann:*suddenly clutches stomach* Oh god, the baby is kicking. Does anyone have any pickles?

Larry:Dear Leslie, you are the most beautiful, intelligent, and kind woman I have ever met. I love you more than—

Larry:Huh. That's nice.

Leslie:Give me that!

Ben:I'm getting out of here. I'm driving away and never coming back.

Leslie:You can't leave. I already filed a complaint with the Department of Transportation about your vehicle registration. Your car is now flagged in the system.

Ben:What? How is that even possible?

Leslie:I have a laminated copy of every municipal code in Indiana. Also, I may have called ahead to the next three counties.

Ben:We made it! We're safe!

Leslie:You want to keep this going? Fine. I'm going to the city council meeting tomorrow and I'm going to tell them EVERYTHING. About the fountain, about your little water sanctuary, all of it.

Ben:Leslie, you can't—

Leslie:Oh, I can. And I will. Because that's what happens when you mess with me and my town.

Ron:What is this? Some kind of rectangle?

Ron:How do I operate it? Where do I put the records?

Ron:What is this? Some kind of music box?

Ron:Wait, you can... arrange the songs in any order you want?

Ron:That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Ben:I don't argue with Leslie because it's like arguing with the sun. You can't win. The sun is too powerful, and if you get too close, it will destroy you.

Ben:You're too passionate about everything.

Leslie:I am NOT too passionate! That is the most insulting thing anyone has ever said to me, and I have literally fought everyone in this office!

Andy:Andy's improvised kids' song: picking your nose and putting it on your friend, peeing the bed until age 32

Leslie:Wait. Wait wait wait. Ben, do you realize what this means?

Ben:What?

Leslie:We're stuck. We're actually stuck in this fountain.

Ben:We're not stuck, Leslie. We can just walk out.

Leslie:No, Ben. We're stuck. Emotionally. Spiritually. This fountain has claimed us.

April:Everyone, this is Andy Dwyer, also known as DJ Roomba.

April:He spins records and cleans up messes.

Andy:♪ There's a booger in my nose, and it's green, it's green! The biggest booger that you've ever seen! ♪

Andy:♪ I could flick it, I could pick it, I could roll it in a ball, I could stick it on my shirt or on the wall! ♪

Andy:♪ Booger, booger, booger, booger, booger on my toe! Booger, booger, booger, booger, now it's in my hello! ♪

Andy:When you're a kid, there's so many things that happen to everyone, you know? Universal experiences that bring us all together.

Andy:Like, uh, wetting the bed. I wet the bed until I was twelve. No, wait—fourteen. Actually, sophomore year of high school, so... sixteen?

Andy:My mom had to use a special waterproof mattress cover. We went through like eight sets of sheets a week.

April:I have to say, I'm genuinely enjoying this. Tickets were only $3.

Ann:I've been so gassy lately. Like, I'll be sitting at my desk and just... (makes continuous farting sounds) ...for like ten minutes straight. It's like my body is a broken kazoo that only plays one note.

Chris:Ann, that's... that's a lot of information.

Ann:I know! And the smell? It could clear out a small village. I'm genuinely worried I'm going to gas out the entire office.

Ann:I'm just so stressed about work and my apartment and everything feels like it's falling apart.

Chris:That sounds really hard.

Ann:Yeah, it is. You know what? I feel so much better. Thank you for listening.

Ben:You know what? I'm not even going to ask. This is Pawnee. At this point, I've just accepted that there's a nighttime sexy vegetable market, and I'm okay with that.

Leslie:Oh my god, what is this? It tastes like a dirty sock filled with regret.

Ben:I think I just felt my taste buds file for divorce.

Leslie:Why would anyone eat this voluntarily?

Ben:I genuinely think the chard is punishing us for something we did.