The Stand In

Jerry:Buses are ridiculous! They're these huge metal boxes that stop every thirty feet like they're playing some kind of game. 'Oh, I'll just slam on the brakes here and make everyone fall forward!' And the bus drivers, they act like they're piloting a spacecraft. You're driving a bus, buddy, not landing on the moon. And why do they always wait until you're three feet away to close the doors? 'Sorry pal, I see you running, but I'm gonna close these doors anyway!' Buses are the worst invention ever. I'd rather walk backwards through the city than take a bus. At least when you're walking, you can stop whenever you want. On a bus, you're trapped! You're a prisoner on wheels!

Jerry:You ever notice how people act when they're stuck behind a bus? They act like the bus driver personally wronged them. Like he woke up that morning and said, 'You know what? I'm gonna ruin this guy's day. I'm gonna drive really slow and stop a lot.' They're honking, they're swerving, they're doing everything but actually passing the bus.

Jerry:A bus just went by and blocked the sun completely. It was like a total eclipse. People were stopping, looking up... I half expected someone to go, 'Did you see it? Did you see it?' Like we all just missed the sun.

George:I'm bored. She's boring, I'm boring. We're both boring.

Jerry:You know what that bus sounds like when it takes off? It's like my Uncle Leo trying to get out of a chair.

Jerry:So what's the deal with your relationship?

George:It's fine. It's fine.

Jerry:Fine? That's it?

George:What do you want from me? We go out, we come home, we go to bed. It's fine.

Jerry:That's the most depressing thing I've ever heard.

George:It's fine, Jerry. Everything's fine.

George:My relationship is boring. We just sit around, we don't do anything exciting anymore.

George:I mean, we're not even boring in an interesting way. We're just... boring.

George:Even our arguments are boring. Yesterday we fought about nothing for twenty minutes.

George:And you know what the worst part is? I'm not even bothered by how boring it is anymore.

George:We don't talk anymore. We just sit there reading the newspaper.

Jerry:What do you mean? We talk.

George:No, we don't. Monday we read the front page. Tuesday we read the sports section. Wednesday we read the arts and leisure.

Jerry:So what are you saying?

George:I'm saying we've become a couple that reads the newspaper instead of communicating. We have a schedule now. By Friday we're already fighting over the TV listings.

Jerry:So you just tell her you have nothing to talk about?

George:Well, what else can I do? I can't just sit there in silence.

Jerry:So you talk about not having anything to talk about.

George:Right.

Jerry:That's talking.

George:So?

Jerry:So you just solved your problem by creating it.

George:I know. I'll talk about how we never talk. Then we'll have something to talk about.

Al:I've got so much to talk about! My girlfriend and I, we never stop talking. We talk about everything - her day, my day, what we're gonna have for dinner, what we talked about yesterday...

Jerry:You talk about what you talked about yesterday?

Al:Oh yeah, all the time. It's great!

Jerry:You know, our relationship is like... it's like George and Barbara Bush. We're just going through the motions, not really connecting anymore.

George:So Jerry's gonna come down and make Fulton laugh?

Al:Yeah, that's the idea.

George:What about me? I'm funny.

Al:No, you're not.

Jerry:So Al's happy. That's great. But now I can't talk to him about my relationship problems anymore.

Jerry:It's like there's this unspoken rule: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

Jerry:Except with Al, it's the opposite. If you can't say something mean about your girlfriend, don't say anything at all.

Jerry:I'm thinking, what if I bomb? What if I get out there and nobody laughs? I mean, these people are going through the worst day of their lives, and I'm supposed to make them feel better? That's a lot of pressure!

Jerry:I don't know if I can handle that kind of responsibility. What if someone's having a heart attack and my joke pushes them over the edge?

George:I have no patience for sick people. I don't know what to say to them. I feel awkward. I don't like being around them.

George:I'm not a good sick person visitor. I'm self-conscious. I don't want to catch anything. I'm thinking about myself the whole time I'm there.

George:I don't want to be around when somebody dies. I don't want to hear it. 'Oh, George, I'm going. I'm going.' And then what? They're gonna grab me by the shirt. 'You know, George, I gotta tell you something. You're a jerk. You're a real jerk.' I don't need that kind of honesty right now. I can't handle it.

Kramer:I'm the father. Mickey, he's the son.

Jerry:Wait, Mickey's the son? But he's a little person.

Kramer:Yeah, well, he plays a child. We use him for all the young kid scenes.

Kramer:I've been keeping detailed records of this kid actor's growth. Every week I measure him, track his height, his weight, the circumference of his head.

Jerry:Why would you do that?

Kramer:Well, I need to know if he's growing at a normal rate. Could be a glandular problem.

Kramer:I can't do it, Jerry. I'm an inch too short.

Jerry:An inch? Kramer, you can't even see an inch.

Kramer:Well, the camera sees it. It's a very important inch, Jerry.

Jerry:So what are you gonna do, wear lifts?

Kramer:I can't stretch myself out, Jerry. And I'm not gonna go back to being a paralegal. I hated that.

George:So what are you gonna do about Kramer?

Mickey:I'm gonna get him smoking cigarettes.

Kramer:I tried it! I did what you said - I bought a pack of cigarettes and I gave them to my son.

Kramer:You know what he did? He threw them away! He said 'Dad, these are bad for you.'

Kramer:How am I supposed to bond with my kid if he's gonna be responsible?

Jerry:So you're changing your assignment?

Mickey:I'm not changing my assignment, I'm reassigning myself!

Kramer:Hey, hey, hey, let's not get into semantics here.

Kramer:You know, there are ways to add a couple of inches to your height.

Mickey:What do you mean? Shoe lifts? I can't wear shoe lifts. That's not right. That's not the code.

Kramer:What code?

Mickey:The code of the little person. You don't cheat. You don't use tricks. You accept who you are.

Fulton:I haven't smiled in three weeks.

Jerry:Don't worry, I'll crack you up.

Jerry:You know, I have a philosophy about laughter. I think laughter is inevitable. No matter what happens, no matter how bad things get, people will always find something to laugh about.

Jerry:I read this thing about the Russians during the siege of Leningrad. People were starving, freezing, dying by the thousands. And you know what they were doing? Telling jokes. Making each other laugh. Because that's what people do.

Jerry:I was just making a historical reference to the Siege of Leningrad.

Jerry:You know, during World War II, the Germans surrounded the city for 900 days.

Jerry:There was no food, people were eating rats, and then they ate the rats' food.

Jerry:And then they started eating the leather off their shoes. The soles! They were boiling the soles of shoes!

Jerry:A million people died. A million! And I brought it up because you ate my yogurt.

Jerry:What did you have for breakfast?

Elaine:Food.

Jerry:Eggs are eggs. That's what I'm saying. Eggs are eggs.

George:What does that mean?

Jerry:It means eggs are eggs. They're not oranges. They're not apples. They're eggs.

Elaine:So by that logic, bread is bread.

Jerry:Exactly! Bread is bread. You see? It's a tautology.

Kramer:So what you're saying is, a chicken is a chicken?

Jerry:Well, a chicken is a chicken, but that's different. You're talking about the chicken, not the egg.

Elaine:Al says you're going to screw this up.

Jerry:Al? What does Al know?

Elaine:Al knows everything.

Jerry:I'm not avoiding commitment, Al. I'm just... exploring all my options.

Al:That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Jerry:No, no, no. I'm simply keeping my social calendar flexible, maintaining strategic distance in relationships, and preserving my independence while casually dating multiple women without any intention of exclusivity or long-term planning.

Al:See?

Adult Actor:Son, I'm leaving your mother.

Child Actor:But Dad, I thought you loved her!

Adult Actor:I do, son. But sometimes love isn't enough.

Child Actor:Will I ever see you again?

Adult Actor:Of course. Every other weekend.

Kramer:So these are the lifts? You've been wearing lifts?

Mickey:Shhhhh!

Tammy:You look different. Did you do something with your hair?

Mickey:No, no, I didn't do anything.

Tammy:You're taller.

Mickey:I'm not taller.

Tammy:You are. You're definitely taller.

Mickey:I'm the same height I've always been.

Johnny:What happened to you? You look different.

Mickey:I got a nose job.

Johnny:Oh yeah? Well it didn't work.

Kramer:Hey, what about me?

Johnny:You? Don't even get me started. You look the same as you always did - like a guy who got hit in the face with a shovel.

Jerry:Fulton's wife told me it's all my fault. She said since my visit, he's taken a turn for the worse.

Kramer:When my friend Len Nickidimo had gout, I was in his hospital room for three days. The doctors were amazed at his recovery.

Jerry:If I were a woman, I'd be a monster. I'd be out there every night. I wouldn't even know myself.

George:So Al was right? You do hurt women?

Jerry:Yeah.

Jerry:You see, if you think about it, the key to a good relationship is not thinking about the relationship.

George:That's brilliant. Because if you think about it, you're analyzing it.

Jerry:Exactly. And once you start analyzing, you ruin it.

George:So the less you think, the better the relationship.

Jerry:Now you've got it.

George:This explains so much about my life.

Jerry:I went to visit Fulton in the hospital. The doctor said, 'Your friend is very ill.' I said, 'Well, I'm a comedian. Maybe I can cheer him up.' So I go in there, I do twenty minutes of material. The doctor comes back in, looks at him and says, 'He's worse.'

Mickey:There's an unwritten code about this. I could be ostracized. I remember when I was a kid, some guy tried to heighten. He lost his job, lost his friends, everything.

Mickey:They're onto me. They know about the heightening.

Kramer:What heightening? What are you talking about?

Mickey:The heightening! Don't you watch the news? It's all over the place. They're calling it an epidemic.

Kramer:Mickey, heightening isn't a crime.

Mickey:Not a crime? They're talking about federal investigations! My name could be in the papers!

Mickey:You! You're the one who came up with the lifts idea!

Kramer:Me? You asked me about it!

Mickey:Because you're always coming up with these crazy schemes!

Kramer:Oh, so now it's my fault?

Mickey:Yes, it's your fault, you big ape!

Mickey:You know, Johnny's always been a little jealous of me. I mean, I've stood in for Shirley Temple, I've stood in for Judy Garland, I've stood in for Elizabeth Taylor when she was a kid.

Mickey:I'm very proud of that.

Mickey:You know what shoe lifts are? They're not just shoes, they're a statement. They're a cry for help. And once you start wearing them, you can't stop. It's like a drug. You start with a half inch, then an inch, then an inch and a half. Before you know it, you're walking around on stilts like some kind of circus performer.

Mickey:I knew a guy, worked in my building. Great guy. Had a future. Then one day someone finds out he's wearing lifts. One day! His career is over. Over! He had to move to Cleveland.

George:My father, he takes me to this picnic. He's got the cooler, the blanket, the whole thing. He spent three hours selecting the perfect spot. Three hours! And then he realizes he forgot the potato salad.

George:So he goes back to the car, leaves me sitting there on this blanket, and I'm just... waiting. For potato salad.

George:Yeah, the picnic is off. My cousin got sick.

George:Food poisoning. Bad potato salad.

George:It was a big picnic too. Like fifty people.

George:We had it all planned. Volleyball net, horseshoes, the works.

George:My aunt made this cucumber salad that looked really good.

George:We never even got to try it.

Phil:You were wonderful tonight. I had a great time.

Elaine:Thank you! I had fun too.

Phil:Well, I should get going.

Elaine:Wait, what? It's only 9 o'clock!

Jerry:So how was your date?

Elaine:Oh, it was terrible. He was a real dud.

Jerry:What happened?

Elaine:Well, let's just say he wasn't very... athletic.

Jerry:So what happened? Why did he just attack you like that?

Elaine:I have no idea! I didn't do anything. He just came out of nowhere and started swinging.

Jerry:Wait, wait, wait. So she said this... when exactly?

Elaine:Tuesday. No, Wednesday.

Jerry:Tuesday or Wednesday? That's two completely different days!

Elaine:Well, one of them.

Jerry:One of them? One of them?! Elaine, those are the only two options!

Elaine:So Phil comes over, and he's all sweaty and nervous, and he keeps saying 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry.' So I say, 'Phil, what's wrong with you?'

Kramer:He's probably got a phobia. You know, some guys, they get all worked up, they can't perform. It's a medical condition.

Elaine:A phobia? Of what?

Kramer:Of you.

George:You know, I'm noticing something about Phil. He just walks up to women and says whatever's on his mind. No filter, no strategy.

George:And you know what? It works for him. He gets numbers, he gets dates.

George:Meanwhile, I'm over here calculating every word, every move, trying to be clever and sophisticated.

George:And I got nothing. I got a big nothing.

George:Maybe that's been my problem this whole time. I've been thinking when I should've been doing. I've been planning when I should've been acting.

George:What if I just... did the opposite? Every instinct I have, I do the opposite.

George:So this woman, she dumped you just to prove a point?

Jerry:Not just to prove a point. To prove that Al Netche was wrong about me.

George:Al Netche?

Jerry:Yeah, he said I couldn't maintain a relationship. So I'm staying with her just to show him up.

George:You're dating her out of spite?

Jerry:Pure spite. It's the only thing keeping me going.

Phil:I don't understand. The date went great. We laughed, we talked for hours. Why hasn't she called me back?

Jerry:Phil, she's not going to call you back.

Phil:What? Why not?

Jerry:Because you're not her type.

Phil:How do you know what her type is?

Jerry:Because her type is someone who's going to call her back.

Jerry:I'm not against breastfeeding, I'm just saying, there's a certain point where you gotta put it away. You know? I mean, at some point the kid's gotta get a job.

Phil:Yeah, well I expose myself on the bus all the time.

Kramer:Alright, rock paper scissors. You go first.

Mickey:Okay, ready? One, two, three, shoot!

Kramer:I got rock.

Mickey:I got scissors. Rock crushes scissors, I lose.

Kramer:Wait, wait, wait. No. You see, I thought the rock had to physically crush the scissors. Like, I throw my rock at your scissors and it shatters them.

Mickey:That's... that's not how it works.

Kramer:So you're telling me I've been playing this game wrong my whole life? And what about the paper? The paper's supposed to wrap up the rock? That doesn't make any sense!

Mickey:Wait, wait. Rock beats scissors, scissors beats paper, paper beats rock. That's the game.

Kramer:No, no, no. Rock is always a rock. Rock is unbeatable.

George:These shoe lifts? This is what we're upset about? Mickey's been lying about his height the whole time!

Jerry:It's not just about the shoes, George. It's about integrity.

George:Integrity? The man's been committing height fraud! Do you know what this means for the civil rights movement?

Elaine:How does shoe lifts relate to civil rights?

George:Because now every short person in America is going to think they need to lie about who they are! We've set back the cause fifty years!

Mickey:I'm a tailor! I've been tailoring for forty years! I made suits for some of the biggest names in the city!

Jerry:So I'm thinking, what's the deal with airplane peanuts anyway? I mean, they're so small, you can barely taste them. And by the time you finish one bag, the flight attendant is already pushing the cart down the aisle with the next snack. It's like they're not even trying to feed you, they're just... testing your reflexes.

Daphne:I met someone at a bar last night.

George:Oh yeah? Who?

Daphne:His name is Pachyderm.

George:Pachyderm? That's the elephant from Jerry's hospital story!

Tammy:Look, Mickey. Everybody knows that you're heightening. It's all over the set.

Mickey:I would've lost my job. Any one of you would've done the same. You got no right. I'm Mickey Abbot. I stood in for Punky Brewster when all of you was nothing.

Mickey:I'm Mickey Abbot. I stood in for Punky Brewster when all of you was nothing.

Kramer:This guy's belching up vitamins. Stop. And this whole Justice League — Batman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman. You mean to tell me Superman can't cover everything? For crying out loud, he's Superman.

Daphne:George, first let me just say that I've never been with a guy who was so committed to commit.

Daphne · George:The other day after work, some girlfriends and I went to a bar for some drinks, and there was this crazy mishap, and I wound up meeting someone as a result. / George. / Please don't.

Daphne · George:I'm afraid the worst of it is it's someone you know. / Jerry Persach. / Pachyderm?