The Pie

Jerry:What is the purpose of a mannequin anyway? I mean, they're just standing there. They don't do anything. They don't talk, they don't move... they're like a snotty puppet.

Jerry:So mannequins, they start out in fashion. They're on top of the world, right? Modeling clothes, looking fabulous. Then what happens? They end up in a car, getting smashed into a wall at 40 miles per hour.

Jerry:That's the mannequin career arc. One day you're strutting down the runway in Milan, the next day you're 'Crash Test Dummy Number 7.'

Jerry:I'm not fashionable enough to use a mannequin as a fashion reference, and I'm not morbid enough to use one to imagine my own death.

Jerry:You know what they should call mannequins? Life-deprived. That's the PC term. 'Oh, we need a life-deprived person over here for the window display.' Instead of saying the mannequin is dead.

Jerry:She won't even taste it. I'm like, 'Just taste it!' And she does this thing... (shakes head) No. Just... no. Like I'm offering her a bowl of dirt.

Jerry:She's not diabetic. She just carries donuts in her purse.

Jerry:Why would she be offended? I suggested the moving walkway!

George:The moving walkway? That's the most inoffensive thing you could possibly suggest.

Jerry:Exactly! It's just a practical solution. She gets tired, boom, moving walkway.

George:It's not like you told her to take the stairs or something. The moving walkway is for everyone.

Jerry:I've never broken up with someone over pie.

Elaine:Well, I once broke up with a guy because he wouldn't share his pie with me.

Elaine:He's sick. He has a sickness. It's about the food. He won't share his food. I mean, who does that? Who doesn't share their food?

Elaine:It's a sickness. That's what it is. A sickness.

Kramer:I've never heard of a woman getting a pebble in her shoe.

Elaine:What?! What are you talking about? Women get pebbles in their shoes all the time!

Elaine:Why would that be a man thing?

Kramer:They take a real woman, they paint her white, they put her in a window.

Kramer:These companies, they don't know what they're doing. I mean, look at this thing. It's got no life, no character. You gotta have a certain... je ne sais quoi.

George:I'm living in my parents' house, I'm thirty-six years old, I live with my mother and father, I sleep in a single bed with cartoon characters on my bedspread, my bureau is filled with - with toy figurines still in their original packaging.

George:When I go out, I have to tell my mother where I'm going, I have to be back by a certain time. It's like a curfew! I'm not a child!

George:And the itch... the itch is always there.

Jerry:It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. They replaced her with a mannequin and she's still the same person!

Jerry:You can't fall asleep! That's how they get you. That's how the pod people work. You fall asleep, they replace you with a replica.

Elaine:Well, maybe *I* should be rolling my eyes at *you*. Did you ever think about that? You work in a store all day, you see mannequins, you know what they look like. I'm just trying to buy a blouse here.

Clerk:I don't think this dress is right for you.

Elaine:What do you mean? I'm not worthy of this dress? This dress is a rag! It's a potato sack with sleeves!

Elaine:These are Eurotrash rags! Designer clothes that cost a fortune and they fall apart like they're made of tissue paper!

George:Oh, fairness. That's what it's about. You know, it's not fair that some people are taller than other people. That's not fair. The taller people, they have an advantage. Do you know how hard it is to be short? Especially when you're trying to buy a suit.

Jerry:So you're not a psycho.

Woman:No.

Jerry:Unlike Audrey.

Jerry:So I'm investigating this woman, right? I'm following her, checking her out, seeing what she's all about.

Woman:That's not investigating. That's stalking. You're a psycho.

Jerry:I'm a psycho? You're the one who noticed I was following you!

Kramer:Elaine, would you scratch my back?

Elaine:Kramer, what is this?

Kramer:It's a funky adventure.

Kramer:Can you scratch my back?

Jerry:I have a strict no-scratch-my-back policy.

Kramer:My back is killing me. I need something to scratch it.

Jerry:Use a back scratcher.

Kramer:I don't have a back scratcher. I'm gonna spatula myself.

Kramer:I would be most grateful for your assistance in this matter of considerable dermal distress.

George:Wait, wait, wait. That suit is not for sale.

Man:What do you mean? It's on the rack.

George:I know, but I'm thinking about it. I'm very interested in that suit. I might buy it.

Clerk:Sir, that suit came in this morning. It's been on the rack for three hours.

George:See? He's been staring at it all day. He's obsessed.

Clerk:Actually, you've been staring at it. You came in, looked at it, and we haven't seen you since.

Kramer:An unadvertised sale? That's a contradiction!

Jerry:What do you mean? It's unadvertised.

Kramer:But you're advertising it right now by telling me about it!

Jerry:So I'm looking at this pie, right? And I'm thinking, where did this come from? Who made it? These are important questions.

Jerry:I have exhibits. Exhibit A: the crust. Notice the golden-brown coloring. Very suspicious. Exhibit B: the filling. Consistent throughout. Too consistent.

Jerry:And exhibit C, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the tin. A standard tin. But whose tin? That is the real mystery.

Jerry:So you're not washing your hands?

Poppie:I'm making pizza!

Jerry:But you just came out of the bathroom!

Poppie:A little dirt, it's good for you. Builds up the immune system.

Poppie:You want pie? I got pie. Beautiful pie.

Jerry:What kind of pie?

Poppie:Chocolate cream. My wife made it. Well, she didn't make it, but she bought it.

Jerry:I don't know, Poppie. After what happened last time...

Poppie:Last time? What last time? This pie is fresh. Perfectly good pie.

Jerry:That's what you said about the other pie.

Jerry:It was a wild scene.

Jerry:You didn't wash your hands!

Poppie:I washed 'em.

Jerry:You did not wash your hands. I was standing right there. You came out of the bathroom, and you went right to the pizza.

Poppie:So what? I make the pizza.

Jerry:So what?! So what?! You can't make pizza with your hands like that! At least go through the motions. Pretend you washed your hands. Pretend!

Jerry:I pretend to wash my hands sometimes.

George:I do that all the time.

Jerry:So Poppie doesn't wash his hands. That's not poor hygiene, that's a cry for help.

George:A cry for help? The man's a restaurateur. He's handling food.

Jerry:Exactly. He wants someone to notice. 'Look at me, I'm dirty. Pay attention to me.'

Kramer:She has a very unusual technique. She uses her nails, her knuckles, sometimes the back of her hand. It's like a full-body experience.

Jerry:It's just a back scratch, Kramer.

Kramer:No, no, no. You don't understand. She starts at the shoulders, works her way down real slow. She's got this rhythm, like she's playing an instrument.

George:An instrument?

Kramer:Yeah! And then she gets to the lower back and she just... stays there. For a while. Really works it. It's sensual, Jerry. It's very sensual.

Jerry:Kramer, it's a back scratch!

Kramer:You're not listening to me! The woman is an artist!

George:Yeah, I was looking at it. It's got a great shape. Very lifelike. I'm thinking of taking it home.

George:What? It's a mannequin. It's not like I'm doing anything wrong. It's for my apartment. I need something to talk to.

George:You hid my suit! You deliberately hid my suit!

Man:I didn't hide it, I just... misplaced it.

George:You misplaced it? In what, a locked safe? Behind a false wall?

Jerry · Audrey:Jerry asks Audrey if she's had the apple pie here. She confirms she's had it 'many times.'

Elaine:He felt my face. With his hands. He was trying to see what I looked like.

Elaine:It was like... like he was a sculptor and my face was clay.

Elaine:His hands were all over my face. My cheeks, my nose, my forehead.

Elaine:And then he got to my lips and I thought, 'Okay, this is getting a little weird.'

Elaine:He didn't say hello to me in the coffee shop!

George:It's the fabric. It's a cotton blend.

Jerry:Cotton blend? What are you talking about?

George:When I walk, my thighs rub together and it makes that noise.

Jerry:Your thighs rub together?

George:The fabric is too smooth. It's like two pieces of silk.

Jerry:So what, you need a rougher fabric?

George:I need a natural weave. Something with texture. Corduroy, denim...

George:She fired someone for involuntary nose whistling.

Jerry:Involuntary nose whistling?

George:Yeah, the guy couldn't help it. It just came out.

Jerry:That's not a fireable offense!

George:Tell that to MacKenzie.

George:You know, I'm sitting in the waiting room, and I'm thinking about all the things that could go wrong in this interview.

George:What if I say something stupid? What if my hair looks bad? What if there's a draft in the room and I'm whooshing all over the place?

George:I mean, how am I supposed to concentrate on selling myself if I'm whooshing?

George:George: 'How could he not have washed? Even if you're not gonna soap up, at least pretend, for my benefit. Turn the water on. Do something.'

Elaine:That's my butt!

Kramer:Your Honor, I'd like to cite the precedent set in Dummy v. State, 1987. The court ruled that a ventriloquist dummy has certain inalienable rights.

Judge:Counselor, that's not a real case.

Kramer:Not yet, Your Honor. But I'm prepared to argue it here today.

Jerry:What is that? A mannequin? Why would they put a mannequin in the car?

George:It's supposed to make you want to buy the car. Two for the price of one.

Jerry:Like the Doublemint twins?

George:Exactly! Double your pleasure, double your fun.

Kramer:Kramer describes Olive's back-scratching technique: 'the crisscross, the figure eight, strumming the old banjo, and this wild, savage free-for-all where anything can happen.'

Board of Health Official:We've received complaints about serious health code violations at your restaurant.

Poppie:Violations? What violations? My restaurant is spotless!

Board of Health Official:We found rodent droppings, expired food, and a cockroach infestation.

Poppie:So we got a few bugs. Big deal.

George · Salesperson:George discovers the suit is missing from where he left it — then finds it in the back 'misplaced,' and the salesperson claims ignorance. George: 'You hid the suit!'

MacKenzie:Here, try this pie.

George:No, I'm not hungry.

MacKenzie:Just try it.

George:I don't want any pie.

MacKenzie:Eat the pie, George.

George:Why are you pushing pie on me?

MacKenzie:EAT THE PIE!

George:Okay, okay, I'll eat your pie!

George:I didn't get the job.

George:But I found out why — the pie was contaminated.

Kramer:I had this itch on my back, I couldn't reach it. So I asked this guy to scratch it for me. He scratched it, but it wasn't the right spot. So I'm trying to direct him - 'No, up a little, to the left, down, back up.' And I realize I'm being too hard on the guy. So I just tell him, 'That's it, that's the spot!' Even though it wasn't.

Olive:Why isn't the mannequin wearing any clothes?

Kramer:Underwear is a style.

Jerry:Wait, there's more than one?

Elaine:Yeah, I found three of them!

George:Three Elaines? That's either the best thing that ever happened or the worst.

Kramer:I'm thinking best.

Jerry:So the mannequin creator named his creation after Elaine?

Kramer:Yeah, that's right. He saw her on the street and was so inspired, he decided to name the whole line after her.

Jerry:That's insane. Elaine doesn't even know this guy.

George:This is the kind of thing that happens in real life and nobody believes you.

Jerry:Jerry identifies the source of the sound: 'It's rubbing between your thighs when you walk.'

George:George: 'I didn't hear it on the way over because of the street noise.'

George:George: 'This is no good! I gotta meet these guys from MacKenzie for lunch!'

George · Jerry:George explains MacKenzie fired the last guy because 'his nose whistled when he breathed.' George: 'So you're not gonna get the job because your pants make noise?'

George:George: 'Let's say it's between me and one other guy. He's got a quiet suit, and I'm whooshing all over the place. Who do you think he's gonna hire?'

Jerry · Waiter:The waiter at Monk's tells Jerry that Audrey came in and had a piece of apple pie.

Jerry:Jerry: 'This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel.'

Saleswoman · Elaine:The lingerie saleswoman recognizes Elaine as the mannequin: 'You were wearing a G-string and one of those bras with points.'

Elaine:Elaine to the store owner: 'That's my ass in your window.'

Store Owner:Store owner: 'It's our mannequin. We can do whatever we want.'

Kramer:Kramer claims to be Elaine's attorney and cites 'Winchell v. Mahoney. The Charlie McCarthy hearings.' as legal precedent.

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer announces 'Jerry, get the car' while Jerry protests as 'legal counsel.' Kramer: 'As your legal counsel, I must advise against this.'

Jerry:After the mannequin incident, Jerry says: 'I don't know about you, but I'm getting a hankering for some Doublemint gum.'

George · MacKenzie:George is at the MacKenzie lunch interview. His suit starts making the whooshing sound again. MacKenzie and colleagues exchange looks.

MacKenzie:MacKenzie: 'It's quieter down here. We can concentrate without people whooshing around.'

George · MacKenzie:MacKenzie hears the sound again. George denies hearing anything. MacKenzie: 'Kind of like a rustling. Could be the leaves.'

Jerry · Poppie · Audrey:'Board of Health. We've had complaints.' / 'What's the problem?' / 'What do they want from Poppie?' / 'Well, Poppie's a little sloppy.'

MacKenzie · George:MacKenzie reveals the last employee was fired not for a whistling nose but for being 'not a team player.' MacKenzie: 'That's something we don't joke about at MacKenzie.'

George:George: 'No problem there. Conformity's an obsession with me.'

Waiter · George · MacKenzie:The waiter brings 'chocolate cream pie, compliments of the house. The chef made it special for you.'

MacKenzie · George:MacKenzie insists George take a bite of pie: 'Take a bite, George. It's delicious. I insist. If you're one of us, you'll take a bite.'

Jerry · George:George: 'So you didn't get the job?' Jerry: 'No. But I was the only one at the table that didn't get violently ill.'

Kramer:Kramer tells Elaine he's been faking the back itch for two days so as not to hurt Olive's feelings.

Kramer · Olive:Kramer breaks up with Olive by pointing to the Elaine mannequin — 'There she is. That's my gal.' Olive: 'You're a liar. I've seen her before. She's not your girlfriend.'

Olive · Kramer:Olive: 'Why is she wearing her underwear?' Kramer: 'Well, it's a style.'

Olive · Kramer:Why is she wearing her underwear? / Well, it's a style.

Jerry:Jerry: 'You ever solve the riddle of the pie?' — summing up the episode's central mystery casually.

Jerry:Jerry: 'But I think they're gonna put Poppie away for a long, long time.'

Elaine:Elaine learns from a friend in Chicago that there's another mannequin there that looks like her — 'What if there are more? Where are they coming from?'

Mannequin Designer:Cut to the mannequin designer telling his assistant about the 'tremendous response' to 'the TR-6 mannequin.' He corrects himself: 'I prefer to think of her as... Elaine.'