The Marine Biologist

Jerry:You know, I think the moon landing was a mistake. We went to the moon, we planted a flag, we came back. What did we accomplish? Nothing. We could've used that money to improve coffee. Instead, we have instant coffee. Instant coffee is a lie. There's nothing instant about it. You still have to boil water, you still have to wait. It's just regular coffee that gave up.

Jerry:You know what would explain the moon landing? Prescription bottles. If NASA engineers were all taking medication, suddenly it makes sense we never went back. 'We were supposed to go to the moon?' 'Yeah, but I forgot to take my Prozac that day.'

Jerry:You know that famous Neil Armstrong quote? 'That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.' Well, I think if Neil Armstrong were around today, with all the complainers we have, it would be more like: 'That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind... and I'm sorry if anyone's offended by my choice of words.'

George:You know what the problem is? People say 'Happy New Year' like it's a greeting. But then what? By March, nobody's wishing you anything. It's like we need a verb for it.

George:You get 'Happy New Year'd' in January, and then you're just... forgotten. By March, you're 'Happy New Year'd' and abandoned.

George:We should extend it. 'Happy New Year'd' through March. Make it official. That way people have an obligation.

Jerry:How cold is it out there?

Kramer:It's cold out there.

Jerry:How cold?

Kramer:It's very cold.

Jerry:Well, how cold is it?

Kramer:It's scary cold. It's the kind of cold that if you spit, it freezes before it hits the ground.

Jerry:That. What is that?

Kramer:It's Gore-Tex.

Jerry:You really love saying that, don't you?

Kramer:Gore-Tex.

Jerry:You're like a big marble in there. You can't move around.

Kramer:It's a nice coat.

Jerry:Nice? You look like a contestant on a Japanese game show.

George:I'm very big on thanksgiving. In fact, I'm thinking of making it my thing. You know, like, every year I show up at somebody's house with a big loaf of bread and a butter. But here's the thing - I'm not really a gift guy. I mean, I show up, I'm the gift. I'm a good time. I'm very funny. Why do I need to bring anything?

George:So what's the protocol here? Do I bring wine? Do I bring a dish?

Jerry:George, it's a dinner party, not a hostage negotiation. You bring wine, you compliment the food, you leave by eleven.

George:What if the food is terrible?

Jerry:Then you employ what I call 'aggressive complimenting.' You say things like, 'This is the most interesting casserole I've ever experienced.' Make them feel like they're serving you cuisine from another dimension.

Jerry:You can't order a Pepsi at a nice restaurant. You just can't do it.

George:Why not?

Jerry:Because you're an adult. Adults drink wine.

George:What's wrong with Pepsi? Pepsi is a fine product.

Jerry:A fine product? George, you're picturing a big plastic Pepsi jug as a centerpiece on someone's dining room table.

George:Why do I have to go to this wedding? I barely know these people. It's such a chore.

Jerry:A chore? George, you're complaining that showing up to celebrate someone's happiness is a chore? You know what a real chore is? Listening to you complain about it.

Jerry:Look at you in that coat. You look like bubble boy.

Kramer:Bubble boy?

Jerry:Yeah, you're all puffy. One little puncture and you're finished.

George:I don't know what to bring. How much is enough? A bottle of wine? Flowers?

Jerry:Just bring a hostess gift. Something small.

George:What if they think it's not enough? What if they're disappointed?

Jerry:Then bring a couch. Bring a sectional. Bring a dining room set. Really make an entrance.

George:Ring Dings. You know, I think I could go a Ring Ding right about now.

Jerry:Ring Dings? For dessert?

George:No, no, not for dessert. For dinner. Ring Dings and a Pepsi.

Jerry:That's your idea of dinner?

George:What? It's got chocolate, it's got cream filling. That's two food groups right there.

George:You know what? I think people secretly love junk food. They say they want to eat healthy, but deep down, they're dreaming about a big plate of nachos with extra cheese and sour cream.

George:These people at dinner parties, they're picking at their salads, sipping their sparkling water, but I guarantee you, at home, alone, they're face-first in a box of Ring Dings.

George:So why should I pretend? Why should I apologize for what I actually want to eat? I'm doing everyone a favor. I'm being honest.

George:Wine? Wine is just grape juice that went bad. And somehow the Europeans convinced everyone to pay $40 a bottle for it.

George:You know what wine is? It's a scam. A beautiful scam, but a scam nonetheless. They swirl it, they sniff it, they talk about the 'notes' of blackberry and oak. It's fruit that's gone off!

Jerry:Look at this. A black-and-white cookie. It's the perfect symbol of racial harmony. It's milk and dark chocolate living together in harmony on the same cookie.

Jerry:If people would just take a moment and look at this cookie, all our problems would be solved.

Jerry:You know, I think the key to eating a cookie is you can't just eat it all at once. You have to make it last.

Elaine:What are you talking about? It's a cookie, not a savings bond.

Jerry:No, no, you gotta savor it. Break it into pieces, eat it slowly.

Elaine:You're losing it. You know that, right? You're actually losing it.

Jerry:Why is it so important how I hold the box?

Elaine:Because you're holding it like it's a dainty little thing with a string handle.

Jerry:It IS a dainty little thing with a string handle!

Jerry:Wait, we forgot to take a number?

Jerry:Well, technically, we're still ahead of everyone who hasn't arrived yet.

Jerry:The number system is just a suggestion. We're operating on the honor system now.

Kramer:So I'm sitting in my car, and I realize the best way to stay warm is to just accept the cold. You know, embrace it.

George:That makes no sense.

Kramer:No, no, it works. Your body stops fighting it, and you're warm.

George:You're insane. Why don't you just use the heater?

Kramer:The heater? It doesn't work.

Jerry:Yes, okay, you got me. I have an elaborate scheme with the bakery. I go in there, I get on line, I tell them I'll be back in twenty minutes. I go somewhere else, I come back, I'm very tan.

Barbara:You better be nice to me or I'm gonna tell everyone at the party what a jerk you are.

Jerry:Well, I'm getting there first, so I'm gonna tell them you're a jerk.

George:So what do you know about wine?

Kramer:Oh, I know a little bit. I spent some time in Napa Valley.

George:You did?

Kramer:Yeah, I was there for a few weeks. Learned all about the vintages, the terroir, the whole thing.

George:Terroir? What are you, a sommelier now?

Kramer:I'm just saying, a good Burgundy can really change your perspective on life.

Kramer:I can't carry a wallet. I got a bad back.

Kramer:Carrying a wallet throws my spine out of alignment.

George:How do you survive without money?

Kramer:I don't know, George. I just... I do things.

Elaine:You should get the carrot cake.

Jerry:Carrot cake? That's not cake, that's a *salad*. You're eating a salad for dessert. Cake should not have vegetables in it. That's false advertising.

Jerry:Black Forest cake. You know what scares me about that? It's the name. Black Forest. It sounds like a haunted place. Like, 'Don't go in the Black Forest, you'll never come back.' And they're like, 'Here, have some cake.'

Jerry:You know what? Forget the Napoleon cake. Let's get a Hitler cake instead.

George:A Hitler cake? What are you, insane?

Jerry:Well, you started it with the Napoleon!

Elaine:What are you talking about? Cinnamon is very popular. Cinnamon babka could be a table condiment!

Jerry:I'll have that marble rye.

Baker:It's not fresh.

Jerry:Not fresh? I philosophized about this cookie for three days. I created an entire emotional journey around this cookie. And now you tell me it's not fresh?

Baker:It came in this morning, but it's been sitting.

Jerry:Well, wrap it up. I'm taking it anyway. And throw in some peace.

George:Excuse me, do you have change for a twenty?

Jerry:George, what are you doing? You're advertising that you have money!

George:So?

Jerry:So? You just told everyone in this place that you're carrying cash. You're a target!

George:I need change, Jerry. What do you want me to do?

Jerry:Whisper it. Be discreet. You don't just announce your financial status to the world!

Jerry:You know what? Why don't you read some porn at dinner? That'll help you break the hundred.

George:That's not a bad idea.

Jerry:You know what I've noticed? There's an inordinate amount of amputee stories in those letters.

George:What are you talking about?

Jerry:I'm telling you, it's like every third letter has some guy with a wooden leg or a hook for a hand.

George:So what? Maybe amputees are more creative.

Kramer:I'm telling you, Jerry, this coat is all wool.

Jerry:It's a nice coat.

Kramer:Yeah, well, the store won't take it back.

Jerry:Why not?

Kramer:They said I wore it.

Jerry:So don't wear it. Just return it.

Kramer:I can't return it. I wore it!

Jerry:Kramer, you gotta be careful with that coat. You could start a war with that coat.

Jerry:Look, to me, this black-and-white cookie is an important thing. It's not just a cookie. It's a symbol. It's a symbol of racial harmony.

Jerry:You see, when you eat this cookie, you have to eat it in a certain way. You have to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still, still, some guys can't get along.

Jerry:I'm telling you, there's a whole philosophy to cookies. It's not just about eating them.

Elaine:Oh sure, you should write a book. 'The Cookie Manifesto.' It'll be a bestseller.

Jerry:You're mocking me, but people would read it.

Elaine:Yeah, right after they finish 'Zen and the Art of Dunking.'

Jerry:There's a hair in the babka!

Baker:A hair? Just one hair? Lady, you're very lucky. Last week I found a whole wig in there.

Jerry:Well, it could be from someone very clean. Someone who showers twice a day. Someone obsessed with hygiene. It could be from me!

Jerry:You know, shampoo is basically just alcohol with a warning label. 'This product is so strong, it could strip the paint off a car.' And we're putting it on our heads!

Elaine:So what, you're not washing your hair now?

Jerry:I'm using conditioner. It's like a seatbelt for your scalp.

Jerry:At least I have wine. You know, I could lose my job, my apartment, my friends... but as long as I have wine, I'm okay. I'm sitting on a street corner with a bottle of wine, a guy walks by, 'Hey buddy, you got any change?' I'm like, 'Change? I got wine!'

Jerry:Look at this guy. He's parked over two spaces. Two! Who does that?

Elaine:Maybe he's worried about his car getting hit.

Jerry:Then don't drive! Take the bus! Stay home! But don't take up two spaces like you're Neil Armstrong landing on the moon.

Elaine:Neil Armstrong?

Jerry:One small step for man, one giant space for my Cadillac.

Jerry:So this rocket scientist, right? He can calculate trajectories to the moon, split the atom, but he can't parallel park. He's circling the block for twenty minutes.

Elaine:He went to the moon but he can't handle a compact spot?

Jerry:Three point turn becomes a thirty point turn. Meanwhile there's a line of cars behind him, everyone's honking. He's sweating through his NASA suit.

Jerry:Double-parking is like a red flag for society. It's the canary in the coal mine. If we can't enforce the double-parking laws, what's next? Murder?

George:I double-park sometimes.

Jerry:Of course you do. You're part of the problem. You're Hitler.

George:I'm not Hitler.

Jerry:You double-parked last week on Amsterdam Avenue. That's a power move. That's a dictator move.

George:It was just for a minute.

Jerry:You know what? Double-parkers should get the death penalty. I'm serious.

Jerry:I have this thing about hair in my food. It goes back to when I was a kid. My mother was making cereal one morning, and she wasn't paying attention, and a strand of her hair fell right into the bowl.

Jerry:I didn't notice it at first, I just started eating. And then I felt it. That moment when your tongue hits a hair in your food... it's like touching a live wire.

Jerry:My mother, instead of being horrified, she just laughed. She thought it was the funniest thing she'd ever seen. So now, every time I see a hair in my food, I'm right back there - traumatized, alone, with a bowl of Corn Flakes and my mother's laughter.

Jerry:He coughed on the cake!

George:So what? A little cough.

Jerry:A little cough? The man hacked a lung onto my cake!

George:It's a cake, not a trading card. You can't return it.

Jerry:Why not? It's defective merchandise. It's been contaminated with human fluids.

George:You want to trade it in? Like it's a used car?

George:I'm not double-parked! I'm in a space!

Other Character:You're completely blocking that car!

George:Oh, what do you know about parking, you puffball?

Jerry:I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you with this Gore-Tex hood. I'm going to suffocate you with it. You're going to die, George. You're going to die a horrible death.

Jerry:I had a black-and-white cookie. It was so good I thought about my stomach. I thought, 'You know, this is going to be a beautiful thing. Black and white living together in harmony.' And then... my stomach was like, 'No, we're going to war.'

Jerry:You know, there's that saying - 'fortune favors the bold.' Well, I just ate a cookie that's been sitting in my desk drawer for three months. So either fortune favors the bold, or I'm about to experience fortune's revenge.

Jerry:My stomach is staging a coup right now. It's like there's a tiny government overthrow happening in my abdomen. The cookie is the dictator, and my digestive system is the oppressed people.

Jerry:So much for 'everything happens for a reason.' The only reason this is happening is because I'm an idiot who can't follow the basic rule of 'don't eat old cookies.'

Jerry:I haven't been this sick since... wait, let me think. March 14th, 1987. That's oddly specific. Why do I remember the exact date I threw up?

Kramer:You know, I've been thinking about this chicken thing. If you eat a chicken that has a personality, you're basically committing murder.

Jerry:What are you talking about? It's just a chicken.

Kramer:No, no, no. A chicken with personality - that's a life. That's a being. But an anonymous chicken? That's just food.

Jerry:We're just browsing, we're not sure what we need yet.

Store clerk:Well, you can't just stand around. This isn't a museum.

Kramer:That's Saddam Hussein!

George:What? That's not Saddam Hussein.

Kramer:I'm telling you, it's him. He's hiding out here in New York.

George:Kramer, that's just some guy bundled up in a coat.

Clerk:We don't serve people who come in late. But we do have something special for you.

Clerk:It's called 'Scram.' We recommend it.

Jerry:We were held up by security. They thought one of us looked like Saddam Hussein.

Kramer:Which one?

Jerry:George. They said he had a striking resemblance.

George:I don't look like Saddam Hussein!

Jerry:Well, you would if you had a British accent.

Jerry:So if body heat is enough to keep you warm, why do we need clothes? I could just go naked skiing with a hat.

Jerry:You know, I've been thinking about these hats with the ear flaps. What is the statement you're making with that hat? You're saying, 'I'm going to reject society, but I'm going to be warm.' It's a very specific message.

Jerry:A hat is all the evidence you need. You walk into a courtroom wearing the right hat, case dismissed. 'Your Honor, I move to dismiss all charges.' 'On what grounds?' 'Exhibit A.' You point to your head. Judge bangs the gavel. 'Insanity acquitted.'