Shenanigans

Abbi · Ilana · Craig:Bartender hands a drink to the wrong person — 'Happy birthday, Craig.' / 'Retirement. Thanks.'

Abbi · Ilana · Lesley:'Your ankle is the size of a grapefruit. How did you not realize it was sprained?'

Ilana · Abbi:'I learned that tequila is an upper...' / 'I feel like it was, like, psychological, like the Gazebo effect.' / 'Placebo effect?'

Lesley · Ilana · Abbi:Lesley says 'girlfriend?' in alarm; Ilana immediately opines that 'Partner is more lesbian'

Lesley · Abbi:Lesley breaks up with Abbi mid-group hang, landing during the quibble over 'girlfriend' vs 'partner'

Ilana:Ilana going through college options like a menu: 'Yale — Too Kavanaugh. Cornell? You wish. Dartmouth — Too goyish.'

Ilana:'Master's, bitch. Doctorate, bitch. MD, bitch.' / 'Well, Master's.' / 'Whoo! Grad student.'

Ilana · Store Employee:Store employee refuses student discount because the acceptance letter 'isn't a student ID'; Ilana argues she will be a student 'in like three months'

Ilana:'Okay, Zahm Zena. Do we have a beef?'

Ilana · Store Employee · Photographer:The store employee who was 'a bitch the whole time' immediately pivots to admiring Ilana's curls and asking her to model

Ilana:Ilana's 'Moi? Merci beaucoup, monsieur' response to being complimented on her curls

Ilana:Ilana tells the person on the phone: 'Something seems very locked up inside of you, so when you decide to change your life with therapy, give me a call.'

Lesley · Abbi:Lesley's breakup speech: 'I'm a doctor. I do jiu-jitsu and have hobbies. And you... You just don't really feel like an adult yet.'

Abbi · Lesley:'Shenanigans?' / 'Your 20s are for wild shenanigans.'

Abbi:'But aren't you 30?' — Abbi firing back at Lesley's 'grow up' speech

Abbi:Abbi's defensive adult credentials: 'I write thank-you notes all the time. And my phone screen isn't even cracked. And guess what, Lesley? I'm going to a play today. I'm going to a matinée.'

Lesley · Abbi:Lesley notes the matinée tickets were 'probably paid for by Ilana's parents'

Lesley · Abbi:'Finally on the same page about something.' — Lesley's exit line after Abbi says they're done

Abbi · Lesley:Abbi throws Lesley's ugly hat at her; Lesley catches it and it looks immediately cute on her

Abbi · Lesley:Boot cracks phone screen; 'Oh, did the wig not protect it?' — Lesley's sardonic last shot on her way out

Abbi:'DevaCurl?! Oh, my freakin' God, Ilana!'

Ilana:Ilana's DevaCurl celebration: 'Devacu-u-u-uuuuuuur...' (extended howl across a scene break)

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana dressed as a grad student: 'She got the plaid slacks. She got the pink sweater. She got the tortoise-shell clip, bish.'

Ilana:'I got this, like, AC drop in my eye before. It was just, like, air conditioning pre-cum... like Ninja Turtle juice.'

Ilana:'Yeah, I'll just flush it out when I cry at the play later.'

Ilana:Ilana's mother's ringtone: '♪ Lordy, lordy... 'Cause Janet be 40 ♪' followed by 'Yep, yep, yep, yep!'

Ilana's Father · Ilana's Mother · Eliot:Ilana's father introduces her as 'your sister is a DevaCurl hair model' before Ilana finishes walking in; Ilana's mother immediately redirects: 'please let us not forget this is Eliot's special day.'

Ilana's Father:Ilana's father tries to get a stranger to pay for a photo with Ilana: 'You want a picture with my daughter? She's a very famous hair model.'

Ilana's Father:Dad: 'You got to cash in on this, El. One of those whats-their-faces is worth, like, a billion dollars.'

Ilana's Mother · Abbi:Mom: 'You know, you really should be putting weight on the good foot.' Abbi: 'Yeah, but it's... I wanted the heel, so it just, like, works.'

Abbi:'Someone's making a dank Instagram story.' / 'Yes, it's a story about a grown woman at the theater. Theater, yes.'

Ilana:'Walk it off, Anne Frank!'

Ilana's Father:'They're gonna win that Tony.' — delivered flatly after watching the Anne Frank play during intermission

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'Does your eye stink?' Ilana: 'Hoo! Yeah, it stinks.'

Abbi:'It smells like prosciutt.' — Abbi describing the eye smell

Ilana's Father · Ilana's Mother · Abbi:Hospital conversation — the Glazers debate which hospitals have become condos or Whole Foods: 'St. Vincent's.' / 'It's condos.' / 'Cabrini!' / 'Also condos.' / 'That what's-his-name doctor on Houston St.' / 'It's not condos, but it's a Whole Foods.'

Ilana's Father · Ilana:'Again, why do you love this city?' / 'You got to get an ambulance. You... You smell like a dog's ass.' / 'What'd you say?' / 'A dog's ass.' / 'Dog's ass... That's it?' / 'What?' / 'Mwah!'

Ilana · Pam:Pedicab driven by a real estate broker: 'I'm not a pedicab driver. I'm a real estate broker. Read the sign.' / 'Then why do you have a pedicab?'

Pam:Pam reveals she hooks up her NYPD ex with 'a hand job once and a while' to get access to crime scene apartments

Ilana · Pam:'Wait a minute. Flex that thigh. Whoopsie! I can see your short and curlies. Let's go!'

Ilana:Ilana spots Lesley from the pedicab and says: 'Well, well, well, Lesley. One of these babies could've been yours.'

Abbi:'Shit. Lighting is terrible in here. Gotta find another light... source.' (cuts to Ilana hanging out a window for natural light to take Instagram photos)

Real Estate Broker (Pam):The broker compliments Ilana's ass from behind the pedicab: 'You should see your ass from back here. It's amazing. It looks like a big heart.'

Abbi:Abbi sees herself from outside: 'Shenanigans.' (flat, solo)

Abbi · Lesley:Abbi, hanging between two buildings above concrete, picks up a call from Lesley and says 'Hey. Lesley.' / 'What's up... girl?'

Ilana:'Okay, I'm sorry. I have to go before you. I'm a model.' (to the waiting room at the vet/doctor's office)

Ilana · Vet:The doctor turns out to be a vet: 'Ilana, I told you I cannot spay-neuter a human, and it is not reversible.'

Ilana:'No, I-I Googled that... you were right about it.' — Ilana confirming spay-neuter research

Vet · Ilana:Vet: 'Ugh. Okay.' / 'That looks bad. Have a seat.' / 'Okay, good girl. Good girl. Good... Good girl!'

Abbi · Lesley:Abbi, suspended between two buildings, asks Lesley to call 9-1-1: 'But, uh, I do need... I do need you to call 9-1-1.' Then immediately: 'You pick dinner. It's totally on you. I'm cool with whatever.'

Lesley:'Jesus Christ, Abbi.' — Lesley's response to learning Abbi needs 9-1-1

Abbi:'You know, I've gotten New York City water droplets in my mouth before and I was fine. I did have bloody stool for a week or two, but that's pretty typical for me in the summer.'

Vet · Ilana:Vet diagnosis: 'This is conjunctivitis.' — Ilana: 'No!'

Ilana:'What if I'm paired with a curly-haired, non-binary model, and it's a love scene?'

Vet · Ilana:Vet gives Ilana a shot: 'And a little bit of a pinch.' / 'Mm!' — followed by 'So this is gonna clear up my eye and make me gorgus for the evening.'

Ilana:'Two fuggin' weeks?! No, no, no! Look, honey, I'm a model now, and this here is my money maker.'

Ilana:'Don't you have something quicker, like... bovine growth hormone that Madonna shoves up her crack?'

Ilana · DevaCurl Director:DevaCurl shoot begins with Ilana wearing an eye patch; director reacts: 'What's with the patch? What is this?' / Ilana: 'Today I'm serving... Kill Bill realness.' / Director: 'Yeah, more like Bob Costas realness.'

DevaCurl Director · Ilana's Mother:'The rare triple helix... the Holy Grail of curls.' / 'You must sleep sitting up.' / 'Of course I do, I'm not an animal.'

Ilana:'Slay Curl Kween!' — Ilana cheering her mother's modeling debut

Ilana:'For the family honor.' (said twice — first when Ilana goes to the vet, now as a beat after her mother takes the shoot)

Ilana:Ilana, after being replaced by her mother at the shoot, says quietly: 'For the family honor.'

Ilana's Father:'The cast is electric'? What an idiot.' — one character reviewing the Anne Frank play program

Ilana · Abbi:Abbi recap: 'This psycho dumped you a second time in one day while you're hanging between two buildings, two stories above concrete. This bitch is a menace.'

Abbi:'But then there was, like, this fire woman that was rescuing me. She was, like, carrying me down, and I was, like — Who are you? Like, she was hot.' / 'It's cool that I can see that now.'

Ilana · Abbi:'Made in Her image.' / 'It's a Catholic thing.'

Abbi · Ilana:'Covergirl! Slay, Mama!' escalating chant — Abbi and Ilana chanting 'Covergirl!' repeatedly for Ilana's mom's DevaCurl photos, until someone gets hurt