The Slicer

Jerry:So Elaine needs space from us.

George:Space? What are we, astronauts?

Kramer:She's right, we're suffocating her.

Jerry:Nobody's suffocating anybody.

George:You suffocate people all the time.

Jerry:I do not suffocate people.

Kramer:Yeah, you're a suffocator.

George:Classic suffocator move right there.

Jerry:Oh, that's rich coming from you, Mr. 'I'm moving back in with my parents.'

George:Oh, here we go—

Kramer:You know what? You're both suffocating me right now.

Kramer:It's like we're a basketball team, but instead of a court, we got a kitchen. And instead of a ball, we got a rotisserie chicken. And instead of points, we got... passive-aggressive Post-it notes.

Jerry:They're following you to work, they're following you on dates, they're following you shopping...

Elaine:Yeah, so?

Jerry:So? So they're gonna follow you into the bathroom!

George:You see, it's like when you're batting. You got your stance, your grip, your follow-through. It's all about the mechanics. Same thing with industrial smoothing - you need precision, consistency, repetition.

George:I mean, I played for the Yankees - well, I didn't actually play, but I was around the equipment, I understood the game. And let me tell you, the principles are identical. You're smoothing out imperfections the same way you smooth out a swing.

George:It's all in the wrist action. Baseball, industrial smoothing, making a good meatball - it's the same fundamental skill set.

George:I worked at Play Now for four days.

Interviewer:Four days? That's not much experience.

George:Well, actually, it was more like... two weeks. I'm looking at my resume here and I see I wrote four days, but that's clearly a typo. It should say two weeks.

Interviewer:You're changing it right now?

George:Yeah, I have a pen. Do you have some white-out?

George:Mr. Kruger, you won't regret this. I'm gonna be the best employee you've ever had.

Kruger:I don't care.

Jerry:What? It was reasonable.

Jerry:Wait, so the kids didn't take my clothes? The tide took them?

Jerry:Well that makes it WORSE! At least if the kids took them, I could reason with them, maybe negotiate. But the tide? The tide doesn't negotiate! The tide is a force of nature! My overreaction was completely justified!

Jerry:Their epic failure was trying to remove the iconic green patina from the Statue of Liberty

Jerry:You could airbrush out a President.

Jerry:I haven't had a decent sandwich in years. The bread is always stale, the meat is always thin and cheap...

George:Years? Try over a decade. I can't remember the last time I had a sandwich that didn't disappoint me.

Kramer:Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... the perfect sandwich slice!

Kramer:Thin, yet substantial. Delicate, yet robust. It's a slice that says, 'I have arrived.'

Kramer:And the best part? You can make it yourself, right here in your own kitchen!

George:My neighbor's apartment smells like potatoes. I walk by, it's potatoes. I walk by again, still potatoes.

Jerry:The whole building smells like potatoes.

George:What?

Jerry:The entire building. It's a potato building. You live in a potato building.

Kramer:Yeah, well, you know what? Lomez, he had the same problem. You know what he did? He burned the building down.

Kramer:I can't help you right now, I'm eating a Reuben.

Kramer:Once you start a Reuben, you make a commitment.

Jerry:Ow! Ow! Ow!

Jerry:At least my nails look good.

Doctor:Do you know what it's like to save someone's life?

Jerry:Well, I hit a softball home run once. Does that count?

Jerry:It was a whomper, too. Really crushed it.

George:I don't understand. I asked you to airbrush me out of the photo.

Artist:I did airbrush someone out.

George:Yeah, but you airbrushed out Jerry, not me!

Artist:Well, you said you wanted to be airbrushed out of the photo. You're still in it.

George:I know I'm still in it! That's the problem!

Airbrusher:Yeah, you've lost a lot of hair.

George:I know.

Airbrusher:I mean, a LOT of hair.

George:I KNOW!

Jerry:Wait a minute... if the power's out, that means my refrigerator isn't running.

Kramer:Well, he just let it go. He just ignored it until the cat died.

Elaine:So how'd it go with the doctor?

Jerry:Not good. I think I'm gonna have to break up with her.

Elaine:Why? What happened?

Jerry:Well, I examined the situation, ran some tests, and I'm afraid the prognosis is not good. I'm recommending immediate termination of the relationship.

Elaine:You're breaking up with her using medical terminology?

Jerry:It seemed appropriate given her profession. Plus, I wanted to soften the blow with a little professional courtesy.

Jerry:A dermatologist? I thought you were a real doctor!

Jerry:What do they do, just tell you to use aloe vera on everything?

Jerry:You know what a dermatologist is? A plumber for your face. That's all they are. They come in, they look at your skin, they say 'Yeah, you got some problems here,' and then they charge you three hundred dollars.

Jerry:And their whole approach to skin care is so simple, it's insulting. Step one: wash your face. Step two: use moisturizer. Step three: don't touch it. That's it. That's their entire philosophy.

Jerry:Wash, moisturize, don't touch. I could've told you that. My mother told me that when I was eight years old.

Jerry:You know what you do? You go out with someone. Anyone. It doesn't matter who. You just gotta show her you're moving on.

Elaine:That's your advice?

Jerry:It's a proven strategy. I've done it a hundred times.

Elaine:Really? When?

Jerry:Well, I haven't actually gone out with anyone yet, but I'm working on it.

Kramer:I cut the slices so thin, I couldn't even see them.

George:You couldn't see them?

Kramer:No.

George:So how do you know you cut anything?

Kramer:I assumed I did.

Jerry:I mean, what do dermatologists really do? They're not saving lives. Nobody's ever been on their deathbed like, 'Quick! Get me a dermatologist!' You don't hear that. 'I'm dying!' 'Have you tried a dermatologist?' No. Because dermatologists don't save lives. They just make you look better. Which is nice, but it's not life-saving.

Jerry:You're a pimple popper. That's what you do. You pop pimples.

Dr. Boon:I'm a dermatologist.

Jerry:Yeah, you pop pimples. That's what I'm saying. You're a pimple popper.

Patient:Thank you so much, doctor. You saved my life.

Jerry:Saved your life? What are you talking about? He's a dermatologist!

Jerry:What'd he do, remove a mole that was gonna crawl into your brain?

George:This looks like a cartoon character!

George:You know, I've always wondered about the Coast Guard. Do they have land guys? Like, guys who work on the land?

Jerry:George, the Coast Guard is for the coast. The water.

George:Right, right, but what about when they're not at the coast? They gotta do something on land, right? They probably have a whole division. The Coast Guard Land Division.

Jerry:There is no Coast Guard Land Division, George.

George:Well there should be! It's poor organization. What do they do, just sit around the coast all day waiting for something to happen in the water? That's inefficient. You'd think they'd have guys stationed inland for when the ocean decides to come up on the land.

Elaine:I need pliers because I was trying to get the shell off a shrimp and it like, exploded everywhere, and now there's shrimp all over my kitchen and I can't find my tweezers.

Elaine:I was just getting a little slicer-happy.

Elaine:I'm going to the circus.

Kramer:The circus? No, no, no. I can't go to the circus. The clowns... I hate the clowns.

Kramer:They're not funny. They're scary. Those big shoes, that red nose... it's all wrong.

Kramer:Don't make me go to the circus, Elaine. Please.

Doctor:What did you call her?

Jerry:A doily.

Doctor:A doily?

Jerry:Yeah, I'm very proud of that one.

Jerry:What is that smell? It's like... potatoes. Oh my God.

Kramer:It's like the Bible says, 'Thou shalt not get thy hives in a bunch.'

Kramer:You gotta confront this doctor. You walk in there, you look him in the eye, and you say, 'No more.'

Jerry:What do you mean?

Kramer:You're like a lab rat. He's experimenting on you.

Jerry:I am not a lab rat.

Kramer:You're worse than a lab rat. A lab rat doesn't have to pay a co-pay.

Jerry:You're a doctor! You went to medical school! Don't you have something for this? Some kind of cream, a salve, an ointment?

Doctor:Well, we could try a cortisone shot.

Jerry:A shot? What are you, a barber?

Kramer:You know, the difference between a mole and a freckle is a mole is a freckle that went to the gym.

Kramer:I'm telling you, I'm a doctor. I went to medical school for two years.

Kramer:I had a patient come in with a rash that covered his entire body. I mean, the guy looked like a tomato.

Kramer:Then I had another one - this guy had a boil. A boil the size of a grapefruit. On his neck.

Kramer:And just last week, I saw a woman with a skin condition so severe, so grotesque, that when she walked down the street, people would cross to the other side.

Kramer:Her entire face was covered in scales. Like a fish. A woman-fish hybrid.

Kramer:I have a medical degree from Cornell.

George:You're not a real doctor. You didn't go to medical school.

Kramer:I'm a doctor in here. (points to heart) And that's what counts.

George:That's not how medicine works.

Kramer:I once cured a woman's hiccups by scaring her. I think I earned my degree.

George:Wait, wait, wait. You're gonna use a meat slicer? On his face?

Kramer:It's the perfect tool for the job.

George:No! No, it's not! That's a meat slicer, Kramer!

Jerry:A dermatologist. A real dermatologist.

Jerry:Wait, it says here that this rash could be from metal cleaner. Metal cleaner? I've been using that stuff to clean my apartment.

Jerry:I thought I had some rare disease. Turns out I'm just allergic to Turtle Wax.

Jerry:Wait a minute. All my problems started after I went to see Dr. Van Nostrand.

Jerry:That's not a real doctor!

Kramer:What are you talking about? I'm a real doctor.

Jerry:No, you're not! You're Cosmo Kramer!

Kramer:I have a medical degree from Colombia.

Jerry:Columbia University or Colombia the country?

Kramer:Why would I lie?

Kruger:This guy's a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man with the physique of a Keebler elf.

George:Hey!

Kruger:Wait a minute. This isn't you.

George:What do you mean? Of course it's me.

Kruger:No, no. You've lost a lot of hair.

George:You know, it's not often you find a place that matches your own apathy. Kruger doesn't care, I don't care. It's a perfect match. I go in, I do nothing, he doesn't know the difference. We have a very special thing going on there.

Jerry:A little spit, a little rub. That's all any dermatologist recommends.

Dermatologist:That's exactly what I'm going to do.

Kramer:Kramer discovering the slicer situation: 'So George took my slicer down to Kruger... and they're smoothing it out for me.'

Kramer:Kramer discovers Jerry's hives: 'Boy, that looks like an allergic reaction. Have you been wearing a fake beard?'

Kramer:Kramer's biblical misquotation: 'As the Bible says, "Thou who cureth can maketh ill."'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer's plan: 'All right, get out. And take your Bronze-O with you. Whoa, that's toxic.'

Kramer · Elaine:All right, great. I gotta go there and pick up my blade. / Oh, hey, and I couldn't find that stockroom.

Kramer:Kramer on moles: 'Freckle's ugly cousin.'

Jerry · Kramer:Go in there, pretend you're a doctor and check this guy for moles. / Moles. Yes. / Freckle's ugly cousin.

Kramer:Kramer examining Kruger's mole: 'I've seen moles so big they have their own moles. Freckles that cover two men.'

Kramer:Male mammal. / Approximately 30 to 60 years of age. / Weight, oh, indeterminate.

Kramer · George:George tells Kramer to say the mole is fine. Kramer: 'George, why would I, a Juilliard-trained dermatologist, send him to another doctor?'

Kramer · George:George: 'No. You're not taking a deli slicer to my boss.' Kramer: 'It'll be ultrathin. He'll barely feel it.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'It's my medical opinion that you're making a big mistake... and it's going in my chart.'

Kramer · George:Kramer reads the medical book: 'Squamous cell carcinoma.' George: 'You're not a doctor. You shouldn't have books like this.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry traces the hives to benzene in Kramer's metal cleaner ('Bronze-O') used on the slicer, then transferred via his hand towel: 'It was Dr. Van Nostrand.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'So somehow the Bronze-O is reacting to the poison she's giving you.' (Kramer misreads the situation even after it's explained)

Kruger:Kruger looking at his annual report: 'Boy, did we take it on the chin last year.'

Kruger · George:Kruger's beach story: 'We were at the beach, and there was this dumb-looking guy nearby. When he went in for a swim, my sons and I took all his stuff, threw it in the ocean.' George: 'What a pear-shaped loser.'

George:George: 'Well, that pear-shaped loser was me. And I was in that photo until I broke in here, stole the photograph and airbrushed myself out of it.'

Kruger · George:Kruger: 'Well, I'll be. You have lost a lot of hair.' George: 'That's what they tell me.'

Jerry · Elaine:Tag scene: Jerry finally sees a dermatologist for hives — 'He said it was bad.' 'What'd he give you for it?' 'Aloe.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry finally sees a dermatologist — Dr. Kazarian says the hives are 'bad.' Treatment: aloe.

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine's locksmith situation: 'So where's that locksmith?' 'Tough to get him out at this hour.'

George · Jerry:Olive loaf reveal: 'What was that last thing? That was pretty good.' 'Yeah, it was olive loaf.' 'Oh.'