The Merv Griffin Show

Jerry:So you know the story of Cain and Abel?

Kramer:Oh yeah, yeah. Cain and Abel. They had that construction company together, right? Cain and Abel Contracting.

Jerry:No, no. Abel was a shepherd, Cain was a farmer. And Cain killed Abel.

Kramer:See, that's where the partnership dissolved.

Kramer:So Cain and Abel, they're not fighting over a woman or land or anything like that. It's about nuts. Seasonal nuts. Abel's got the good ones, Cain's got the bad ones. Things heat up, words are exchanged, and boom — first murder in human history. All over a handful of almonds.

Kramer:So I'm thinking, what if Cain and Abel were actually the same person? You know, like Jekyll and Hyde?

Jerry:Why did you break my blender?

Kramer:I was making gravel.

Kramer:I was making a little beach in my apartment.

Kramer:This TV is a classic. It's from the golden age of television.

Kramer:I found it in the dumpster.

Kramer:You know, this chair used to be somebody. It had a life. People would sit on it, it was important. Now look at it - it's just gathering dust in the corner.

Kramer:That chair's like a washed-up actor. It had its moment in the sun, you know? Autographs, photographs... now nobody even knows its name.

Jerry:I contaminated the chair.

Kramer:You what?

Jerry:Watch out for that pigeon.

George:It's just a pigeon, Jerry.

George:Wait, do you smell that? That's banana.

Elaine:That's not true. Garnish was not invented by Joseph Garnish.

Kramer:Your father died from a toy SuperBall?

George:He was bouncing it around, and it just kept going and going...

Kramer:A SuperBall killed him?

George:It was a defective SuperBall!

Celia:The toys are valuable because they're still in the original packaging, never been touched.

Jerry:Come on, just let me touch them a little bit. Just a quick feel. Please? I promise I'll be careful. Just one little touch!

Elaine:So what do you think of the new guy?

Walter:Well, he's got two ears and a mouth.

Elaine:Wow, those are really the qualities we look for.

George:Is there a deal with pigeons?

Jerry:Oh, absolutely. We have an understanding. They stay out of my apartment, I don't chase them with a broom.

Jerry:What do you call someone who sidles up to you like that?

Elaine:A sidler.

Elaine:I was standing there making instant soup, and I started singing 'A Whole New World' from Aladdin. Just belting it out!

Elaine:And then I realized my neighbor was standing right there in the kitchen watching me the whole time.

Elaine:I was singing Disney songs!

Jerry:At least it wasn't instant soup.

Jerry:Now that would be embarrassing.

Jerry:How did you get that huge TV set into your apartment?

Kramer:I took it out of the box.

Jerry:This chair smells like garbage.

Kramer:Yeah, well, you know, back in the '70s, TV stars, they didn't bathe. It was a whole thing. They thought it would wash away their talent.

Kramer:Welcome back to the show! You know, I gotta tell you, you are looking absolutely fantastic today. I mean, really, have you done something different with your hair? Because it is stunning. Truly stunning. And that outfit? Fuggedaboutit! You are a vision. An absolute vision. I'm not exaggerating when I say you might be the most attractive person who has ever sat in that chair. Ever. In the history of chairs.

Peterman:Just give me one second, I'm reading this fascinating article.

Peterman:There. Done.

Elaine:You just read that whole thing in two seconds?

Peterman:I'm a very fast reader.

Jerry:My parents never bought me the real G.I. Joe. I had this knockoff called 'Action Billy.'

Jerry:He didn't have any joints. He was just a solid block of plastic shaped like a man.

Jerry:And his uniform was painted on. Poorly. One eye was higher than the other.

Jerry:I'd hold him up and say, 'Look, it's a stroke victim.'

Kramer:You know, that's a very common childhood trauma. A lot of people have that same issue with their toys.

Kramer:But you've gotta let it go, Jerry. You've gotta move on.

Elaine:Kramer, can we just have a normal conversation?

Kramer:A normal conversation? What are you talking about? We're always on camera.

Elaine:No, we're not. We're just talking.

Kramer:That's what you think. But out there, somewhere, someone's watching. And they want to be entertained. So I'm going to keep doing what I do best.

Elaine:Which is what, exactly?

Kramer:Being spontaneous. Being unpredictable. Being... Kramer.

Elaine:I have a sidling problem.

Kramer:What's sidling?

Kramer:I'll sidle the sidler.

Elaine:Kramer, you can't sidle anywhere. You stomp around like an elephant.

Kramer:Oh, I can sidle. Watch this.

Kramer:I just need the right equipment.

Kramer:Wrestling shoes. With New York pride.

George:So I'm sitting there, and I realize—

Kramer:Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm doing the talking here. You're the guest. Guests don't explain what happened—I explain what happened. That's the whole thing!

Kramer:So George, you and Jerry, how long has that been going on?

George:What? Me and Jerry? We're not dating!

Kramer:Oh come on, I saw you two at Monk's Cafe holding hands.

George:We were not holding hands! That's ridiculous!

Kramer:Well, you're very close. Everyone's talking about it.

George:These pigeons, they don't even acknowledge me. I'm standing right there, and they just ignore me completely.

Kramer:Well, that just puts them in line with everyone else.

George:This bank clock is three minutes fast! I'm going to be early for everything!

Jerry:Yeah, why don't you run it over with your car while you're at it?

George:I saved a pigeon's life today. I was driving and this pigeon flew right in front of my car, so I swerved to avoid it.

Jerry:You hit a squirrel.

George:What?

Jerry:You didn't swerve for a pigeon. You hit a squirrel and swerved.

George:Wait, I hit a squirrel? I was trying to avoid the pigeon!

George:But you know what? A deal's a deal. I swerved for the pigeon, the pigeon got away. The squirrel was collateral damage.

Celia:Do you have any aspirin? I have a terrible headache.

Jerry:Yeah, sure. Let me see what I have here.

Jerry:Okay, I've got... antacid, antihistamine, anti-inflammatory...

Jerry:You know, they really should make an anti-anti-inflammatory for when you've taken too many anti-inflammatories.

Celia:Just give me something for my headache!

Jerry:Alright, alright. Here - this'll do it.

Peterman:Elaine, your work speed is remarkable. You've completed this entire project in record time.

Peterman:However, upon closer inspection of the actual work... this is absolute garbage. It's offensive. How could you produce something so thoroughly incompetent?

Jerry:Okay, soldier, we've got a situation. Command needs you to infiltrate the enemy compound. Move out!

Jerry:What's that? You need air support? Roger that. I'm sending in the helicopter.

Jerry:Bratatatatata! We got 'em on the run now. You're doing great, soldier. Real great.

George:How much would it cost to put a squirrel to sleep?

Veterinarian:Well, it depends on the weight. Usually about fifty cents a pound.

George:You know, they had to import these tiny surgical tools from Switzerland. Switzerland! For a squirrel! Do you know what that costs? I could've had my whole digestive system overhauled for what they spent on that squirrel's nuts.

Elaine · Jerry:I am going to sidle the sidler. / You sidle? You stomp around like a Clydesdale.

Kramer:Wait, wait, wait. You were playing with toys... while she was unconscious?

Kramer:Jerry, I'm shocked and appalled by your behavior. As a talk show host, I have to take the moral high ground here.

Jerry:You're a talk show host?

Kramer:Yeah, I got my own show now. It starts next week.

Elaine:You know, Lou, you have a very symmetrical face.

Lou:Thank you.

Elaine:No, I mean it. It's really quite symmetrical. Very even. Both sides match up perfectly.

Lou:Thank you, Elaine. These are... these are very nice. I will cherish them.

Elaine:They're just Tic Tacs, Lou.

Lou:No, no. You've given me a gift. A gift of freshness. I will think of you every time I pop one in my mouth.

George:Four hours? Four hours of home movies? Who needs four hours of home movies?

Jerry:I was at the grocery store, and I saw these wax beans. Just regular wax beans, nothing special about them.

Kramer:We're talking about wax beans now?

Jerry:Yeah, wax beans.

Kramer:We've hit rock bottom.

Veterinarian:Okay, he's all set. Just make sure to keep him warm, give him plenty of water, and feed him these nuts twice a day.

Veterinarian:And try to pet him gently—he responds well to affection.

George:A squirrel? You want to keep a squirrel as a pet? Do you know what squirrels do? They remember faces. They have long memories. One day you're feeding it a peanut, the next day it's gnawing through your electrical wiring, burning your apartment down, and when the fire department asks what happened, the squirrel's in the tree outside, just watching, knowing exactly what it did.

George:And it's patient. It'll wait years. Years! It'll make friends with other squirrels, organize them. Before you know it, there's a whole network of revenge-seeking squirrels in the city, and they all know my face.

Elaine:It's like a maraca. He's like a one-man band.

Jerry:You know what the sound of 30-year-old Easy-Bake Oven batter sounds like? Pssshhhhh.

Peterman:What is that sound? That sound... it's following me. The Tic Tacs. They're watching me. They know what I've done. This is voodoo. Dark forces are at work here. They're communicating with me through the mints. It's a conspiracy. A vast, elaborate conspiracy involving breath mints and Caribbean witchcraft.

Peterman:Elaine, I'm warning you. If I find out you've been practicing voodoo, I'm calling the authorities. And if you're undead, we're going to have a serious conversation about your employment status.

Lou:I only chew Chiclets. Ever since I was a kid.

Elaine:Well, I have a vintage pack of Chiclets from 1987 in my apartment. You can have them.

Kramer:How do you feel about drugging a woman for toys?

Jerry:I've done it more than once.

Kramer:Yeah, well, I've been thinking about doing a talk show. You know, start out with just a simple format - I come out, I sit down, I talk to people.

Jerry:That's been done.

Kramer:Yeah, well, then I thought - what if I come out, I'm already sitting? So the audience is like, 'Where did he come from?' That's the whole thing right there.

Jerry:You're already sitting?

Kramer:Already sitting when I come out.

Jerry:I didn't drug her! She drank the wine!

Kramer:I'm going to bring them together. Let them work it out.

Jerry:Kramer, the hawk eats the squirrel. That's the whole thing.

Jerry:Well, look on the bright side. The prosthetics held up great. Maybe we can use them again.

George:Hey! Hey, you birds! Yeah, you! Don't you mock me. We had a deal. You stay over there, I stay over here. But if you keep laughing at me, that deal is off!

Celia:Jerry is the most self-centered person I've ever met. He only cares about himself.

Elaine:Oh my God, tell me about it. I know exactly what you mean.

Newman:She's got that Mattel football game we loved. You gotta get me over there.

Kramer:Jerry, what you do with your personal life is your business. But when you're on my set, you clean it up, mister.

Newman · Jerry · Kramer:I told you he was a risk. / Oh, like he's not just carrying you, and has been for years. / Yeah, well, you bombed. That story stunk worse than these chairs.

Elaine:You've got a lot going for you. You're spontaneous. You're symmetrical.

Elaine · Lou:Your: ... [long pause] / My dead tooth? / No. / Your: ... [another pause] / What, my breath?

Lou:Thanks, Elaine. You're such a super lady.

Jerry · Celia:More wine and turkey? / So when I saw George with an 18-pound turkey and a box of wine...

Jerry · Celia · George:What is that stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy? / Tryptophan. / Tryptophan. / I think.

Celia:Four hours.

George:Yes. Touchdown. Your turn, Jerry.

Jerry · Kramer:Lately though, I've been buying the generic brand of wax beans. You know, I rip off the label, I can hardly tell the difference. / We've officially bottomed out.

Kramer:Who's our next guest? / We got no one. / We need a new format. We should shut down and retool.

Newman · Kramer:What about a guest host? / I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Doctor · Miranda:Would you like to visit him? / Yes, he would.

George:So... squirrel.

Doctor · George:Oh, we're discharging the squirrel. We think he'll be better off at home. / He has no home. He's a squirrel. / Your home, Mr. Costanza.

Miranda · George:Maybe it'll be fun having a pet. / It's not a pet. It's a wild invalid. / And it knows that I tried to kill it. As soon as it gets better, it's gonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep.

Kramer · Elaine:Nice sidle, huh? / Speaking of which, I think I've got that problem solved. / Tic Tacs work? / He's a human maraca.

Jerry:Boy, my knuckles are still cramped from that football game.

Elaine · Jerry · George:What about the woman who's been drugged and taken advantage of? / Okay, one victim. / I think it's unconscionable.

Jerry · Elaine · George:Last night, I found a whole Weeble village behind the Easy-Bake Oven. / Easy-Bake Oven? / Who wants a cupcake? / Me, me, me, me, me.

Jerry:You know that batter is like 30 years old. / You step on it and it fushes.

Elaine:Why is your father giving a tour of a rest stop?

Elaine · George:Stop squirming. / Don't. This is where they change me. / You're like 8 years old. / Georgie. / I was 7 and a half.

Peterman:That noise. That infernal rattling that has plagued me these past two days, and I could not find the source. In my office, in the hallway, even in the men's room. Shame on you, Elaine.

Peterman:That reminds me of the Haitian voodoo rattle torture. / You haven't gone over to their side, have you? / No, Mr. Peterman. / Because if I hear one more rattle, just one, you're out on your can. / And if you are undead, I'll find out about that too.

Elaine · Lou:Elaine lures Lou into a room; they discover the Tic Tacs are turning his teeth green

Elaine · Lou:Because they're turning your teeth green. / I only buy the white ones. / Okay. Well, then your teeth are green for a different reason.

Lou · Elaine:I can't. It burns my cankers. / Binaca. / Again. / Right, right, cankers. / I got it. Chew gum. / I hate gum. / The only gum I liked came with the Mickey Mouse gumball machine. They stopped making that 20 years ago. / Well, stinky, this is your lucky day.

Kramer · Jerry:Hey, Jerry... you drugged a woman in order to play with her toy collection. How do you feel about that? / It was great. I've done it a few more times since then.

Celia:What kind of sick, twisted creep are you?

Jerry · Kramer:What is this? What is she doing here? / What? It's the new format. Scandals and animals.

Newman · Jerry:Go, girl. / Well, what kind of woman drinks an entire box of wine?

George · Jim Fowler · Kramer:Mr. Fowler, I have a squirrel here that is a miracle of modern science. / I told you, we're booked. / Careful. Hawks and squirrels don't get along together. / Another interesting confrontation. This could be spicy, bring him over. / No, you idiot. Hawks eat squirrels.

Kramer:Are we getting this?

Jerry · Kramer:So the whole set was destroyed? / Well, the squirrel kept scurrying and the hawk kept clawing.

Kramer:Well, at least we know that prosthetic squirrel hips work.

Kramer:I'll tell you, it was a grind having to fill 10 hours a day. I'm not sure I was ready to have my own talk-show set.

Miranda:I got the nut bread, George. Let's go.

Jerry · George:So the squirrel's gonna make it? / Yeah, he's in my bed. / I'm sleeping on the couch. / On the couch? So you're... / Still getting nothing.

George:Oh, go ahead, pigeons. Laugh it up.

George:I'm getting in my car now, and the last I heard, we have no deal.

Celia · Elaine · George · Jerry:I'm glad you called, Elaine. I really needed to talk to someone. / Oh, well, hey, I dated Jerry too. I know what a monster he can be. / More wine and turkey? / Who's he? / Oh, he's nobody. / Hey, listen, let me top that off for you.