Episode 3

Claire · Fleabag:Culminating instruction: 'Just don't... don't be yourself.' / 'I won't.'

Fleabag:'Fuck's sake.' — Fleabag's reaction to being caught in the corridor / the building by someone who knows Claire

Fleabag:'Put her in a quiet room with a nice breeze she'll have a panic attack... She's so happy.'

Fleabag:'Just to make sure it's not pink or anything horrifically female.'

Fleabag:'It's perfect. It looks like a sperm.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire receives an emotional 'thank you' from Fleabag for helping with the event, then immediately: 'Don't play with that.'

Fleabag:Physical comedy: Fleabag drops/nearly drops the heavy award — 'Oh, that's heavy. Argh!'

Claire · Fleabag:'You're sweating so much.' / 'Sorry.' / 'It's attention-grabbing.' / 'It's only on one side.'

Fleabag:'Yeah, especially sad when you have to tell your family not to touch each other up by the photocopier.'

Claire · Fleabag:'Stop making jokes.' / 'I'm sorry. I can't help it.' / 'You can.'

Belinda:Belinda on courgettes: 'You can treat them appallingly and they still grow.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag to camera after meeting Belinda: 'She seems lovely.' / Claire: 'Yeah, she's great.' — and then Claire's immediate denial of being nervous.

Klare · Fleabag:'I ate a sausage over there, thinking it was a prune. Fifteen years of vegetarianism, gone. Like bang, bang.' / 'We do actually call them "bangers."' / 'Ah! That's funny! Yes, it was.'

The Priest · Fleabag:'Oh, just when I'm with you.' (off the wagon for champagne, specifically when with The Priest)

Fleabag:'I just said, "Let's go fuck like crazy tonight."'

Claire · Fleabag:Fleabag reveals: 'His name is Klare.' Beat. 'What?' 'His name is Klare.' 'Don't.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag's reaction beat to 'Klare' — the beat before she says 'Don't.' [Claire's pre-emption]

Fleabag:Fleabag announces 'Klare Korhonen' as a nominee, apparently accidentally — 'Oh, uh, sorry. I-I think there's been a mistake here.'

Claire · Fleabag:'It has to go like "cockwork."' / 'Like what?' / '"Cockwork."' / 'Claire, your brain is somewhere else right now.'

Fleabag:Fleabag steps up to replace the apparently incapacitated Sylvia: 'Um, I'm sorry. It appears that Sylvia is busy, which shouldn't come as a surprise, really.'

Fleabag:'It's been a big year for business. Particularly women in business. Men have been pretty hands-on the past few decades.'

Fleabag:'...family really shouldn't touch each other up next to the photocopier.' (repeated as formal speech)

Party guest:In-room reaction: 'Funny!' — someone in the audience responds to Fleabag's photocopier line

Fleabag:'Well, I was going to say this is a bit on the nose, but she doesn't seem to have one.'

Claire:'It's not fine. I awarded her with a pair of tits.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire ordering Fleabag to 'Chase her down' and Fleabag questioning this — 'Chase her down?' / 'It's a stolen piece of art.'

Belinda:Belinda in the corridor: 'I'm trained in martial arts. It's just the basics, but it is enough.' — said to Fleabag who is apparently trying to retrieve the award

Belinda · Fleabag:'Oh, it's infantilising bollocks.' / 'Well, don't you think it's good that...' / 'No. No. It's ghettoising. It's a subsection of success.'

Belinda:'Ah, it's the fucking children's table of awards.'

Belinda:Belinda's reason for attending despite hating the award: 'Because I'd be an arsehole not to.'

Belinda · Fleabag:Belinda's favourite 'period film' is Carrie.

Fleabag:Fleabag's reaction to 'Carrie' — 'God.' followed by 'God, you are a tonic.'

Belinda · Fleabag:Fleabag, asked if she's a 'woman in business': 'I run a café. / Oh, good for you. / Did you make the canapés? / Uh, no, actually, I stole them.'

Belinda:Belinda's speech: 'Women are born with pain built in... Men don't. They have to seek it out. They invent all these gods and demons... so they can feel guilty about things, which is something we do very well on our own. And then they create wars so they can feel things and touch each other, and when there aren't any wars, they can play rugby.'

Belinda:Belinda on the menopause: '...the most wonderful fucking thing in the world. And yes, your entire pelvic floor crumbles and you get fucking hot, and no one cares, but then... you're free.'

Belinda:'It is not a party until someone flirts with you.'

Belinda · Fleabag:Belinda: '...grab the night by its nipples and go and flirt with someone.' / Fleabag: 'Mm. No, that's not what I meant.'

Belinda:Belinda: 'Look at me. Listen. People are all we've got. People are all we've got, so grab the night by its nipples and go and flirt with someone.'

Belinda:Belinda: 'Oh. I wish you were my type.'

Belinda:Belinda: 'I can't be arsed, darling.'

Fleabag · Belinda:'And what had Jesus done by 33? / Died? / Exactly. So get out there and flirt.'

Claire:Fleabag returns; Claire: 'Thought you might be snogging Finland.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire's eruption: 'You just think you can do whatever you like, say whatever you like, steal whatever you like, kiss whoever you like.' / 'He kissed me!' / 'Oh, I know!' / 'You know?'

Claire:'...with your quirky café and your dead best friend.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire: 'If you mention the size of my office, I will scream.' / Fleabag: 'It's huge.'

Claire:'We're not friends. We are sisters. Get your own friends.'

The Priest:The Priest: 'This is a bit embarrassing, but recently I've been really enjoying going to bed at 9:30.'

Fleabag · The Priest:Fleabag: 'I just fancied a drink and a priest and a chat, maybe.' / Priest: 'Oh, that's my whole job.'

The Priest · Fleabag:'We'll have to be quiet though because Pam's a bit of a sound tyrant in the evenings.' / 'Pam lives here?'

Fleabag · The Priest:Fleabag identifies 'inconsistencies' in the Bible: 'The world was made in seven days... light came... and then a few days later, the sun came.' / Priest: 'Yeah, that's ridiculous.'

The Priest · Fleabag:Fleabag: 'But you believe that.' / Priest: 'But it's not fact. It's poetry, it's moral code. It's for interpretation...'

Fleabag · The Priest:'We can arrange that.' / 'A father of many.' / 'I'll go up to three.' / 'It's not gonna happen.' / 'Two, then.' / 'OK, two.'

The Priest:'I like that you believe in a meaningless existence.'

The Priest:The Priest: 'No, I'm not being funny, foxes have been after me for years. It's like they have a pact or something.'

The Priest:The Priest's train toilet anecdote: '...a toilet of a train, and when the train stopped, a fucking fox tried to get through the window. Of a train! Its face was in the window.'

The Priest:The fox monastery story: 'And once, when I was at a monastery, I woke up just feeling a bit weird — like there might be a fox about — and a fox was sitting underneath my window, looking at me like this. Pointing at me like, "You... we're watching you. We're having you."'

Fleabag · The Priest:Fleabag: 'Lucky God got there first.' / Priest: 'Well, yeah.' / Fleabag: 'You could be a fox boy by now.' / Priest: 'And we all know what happened to them.'

Fleabag:Fleabag interrupts herself mid-word with 'Oh, it's a fucking fox!'

The Priest · Fleabag:Priest: 'Chill out about the fox.' / Fleabag: 'Oh, sorry. I just don't know what they want from me.'

The Priest:The Priest: 'Celibacy is a lot less complicated than... romantic relationships.'

The Priest:The Priest: 'We're not gonna have sex.' — delivered quietly, directly, unprompted

Fleabag · The Priest:Fleabag: 'I know that's what you think you want from me, but it's not.' / Priest: 'Well, it might.' / Fleabag: 'It won't.' / Priest: 'I've been there many times... before I found this.' / Fleabag: 'How many times?'

Priest:Priest: 'I know that's what you think you want from me, but it's not.'

Priest · Fleabag:'I've been there many times... before I found this. Many, many times. / How many times?'

The Priest · Fleabag:Priest: 'I'd really like to be your friend, though.' / Fleabag: 'I'd like to be your friend, too.' / 'We'll last a week.'

The Priest:The Priest: 'Where'd you just go? You just... went somewhere.' — noticing Fleabag's camera-break / fourth-wall moment

Fleabag:Fleabag: 'Nowhere.' — her response to 'where'd you just go?'