Claire

Fleabag · Claire:Sister horrified: 'Did you wash your hands?' — 'Of course not.' — [pause] — 'Of course I washed my hands.'

Fleabag · Claire:'Heard from Dad? No.' — followed immediately by the talking-head about their father's coping strategies

Claire · Fleabag:'You look tired.' / 'Thanks. I've been sleeping really well recently.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire asks Fleabag to take her coat off; Fleabag refuses — the coat is concealing the stolen top

Claire · Fleabag:Claire asks about the cafe; Fleabag cuts her off — 'I don't want to talk about it yet.' / 'We won't talk, then. Fine.' / 'Hair looks nice.' / 'Oh, fuck off.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag's internal monologue about asking Claire for money — building to 'I'm just going to ask her. I'm just going to ask her. I'm just going to come...' — 'Do you need to borrow money? No!'

Claire · Fleabag:'So business is good, then? Yeah. It's good. It's really good. It's really, really good. Yeah, it's really good. Sounds like it's really good. It is.'

Claire · Fleabag:'Don't get drunk and shit in your sink again.' / 'When are you going to stop bringing that up?' / 'When you do something better.'

Claire · Fleabag:'I have two degrees, a husband and a Burberry coat. You shat in a sink.'

Facilitator · Fleabag · Claire:The 'raise your hand if you'd trade five years of your life for the perfect body' bit — the camera (implied) holds on the women in the room, building suspense

Fleabag · Claire:'Do you want to go for a drink?' — Claire doesn't answer; Fleabag repeats it after a pause; still nothing

Claire:My sister: I have two degrees, a husband and a Burberry coat.

Claire · Fleabag:Please don't contact me or turn up at my house drunk in your underwear. It won't work this time. / It will.

Martin · Claire:Oh, well, it must be my lucky day. / You said she only likes to talk to people she fancies.

Fleabag · Claire:I have a week to organise that now. / Best of luck.

Claire · Fleabag:How are you? / Quiet day? / Yeah, I'm fine. / You OK? You look stressed. / Well, I'm successful, so...

Claire · Fleabag:Do you have rye bread? / No, but I have some normal bread you can puke up after.

Claire:Great.

Claire · Fleabag:Claire organises her own surprise party — 'I can organise it, do the food, act surprised, and just take it off your hands.' — completing the full collapse of the surprise party fiction

Claire · Fleabag:How behind are you? If it's money that you need... / I don't need money. / That'll be £25, please.

Claire:Can't believe that thing's still alive.

Claire · Fleabag:Oh, any news on Harry? / Yeah, we're back together. / Oh, God, I can't keep up.

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag tells Claire she did a fart that 'was exactly like Mum's' — 'A door opening, or suspicious dark?' 'Door opening.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag: 'My farts used to be like, "Pah!" Now they're just sort of fighting their way out.' Claire: 'I haven't farted in about three years.'

Claire · Fleabag:Birthday cake presented; Claire says 'She won't eat it.' Fleabag says 'Thanks.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire's elaborate instructions for the party: '7pm arrival for a 7.30 surprise,' 'just wear trousers,' 'don't drink too much,' 'it's basically a business meeting.' Fleabag: 'Sounds like a blast.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag asks 'Can I bring a date?' Claire asks 'Harry?' Fleabag says 'No.' Claire: 'Who?' Fleabag: 'Oh, I don't know yet.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag says 'It's really inappropriate to jog around a graveyard.' Claire: 'Why?' Fleabag: 'Flaunting your life.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag: 'God, I can't wait to be old.' Claire: 'If it's any consolation, you look older than you are.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag asks what Martin has 'given' Claire; Claire says 'A cursory stroke would be nice.' Fleabag: 'What? No bang-bang?'

Fleabag · Claire:Claire struggles to say 'penis' in the graveyard while Fleabag coaches her like a child: 'Come on, little one. Come on, please.' — Claire finally says it and Fleabag says 'Thank you.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag spots a sobbing man: 'Christ, look at that man. Tragic.' Claire: 'Nah, he's a con.' — 'You can't call someone who is grieving a con.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag: 'I'm going to hold his face in my head so you can see him.' — then a beat — 'I'm not getting anything.'

Fleabag · Claire:'I'm not getting anything.' 'Make your face his face.' 'Yeah, OK.' — and then the face actually works

Claire · Fleabag:'Is he mixed race? I'm getting mixed race.' Fleabag: 'Yes!'

Fleabag · Claire · Neighbour:DOOR CLOSES. The actual neighbour appears — Fleabag and Claire have apparently been staring at him telepathically, and immediately have to deal with him in person.

Claire:Claire (offscreen or deadpan): 'She thinks you're lovely.'

Godmother · Claire:At the party: Godmother says about a man: 'What a lovely husband you have.' Claire: 'Where is he then?' Martin is absent. The beat.

Fleabag · Claire · Unknown Man:'Claire, this is my friend...' 'Yes, yes, we've already met.' 'My wife.' — the man they've apparently been meeting is Martin's friend, who is also married to someone at the party

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag gives Claire the Burrower: 'It's called a Burrower — it basically won't stop until you cum.' Claire: 'Sounds horrendous. Thank you.'

Claire:Claire's birthday business verdict: 'Huge. You know, I don't want to jinx anything, but huge. Could be life-changing.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire asks 'Are you OK?' Fleabag: 'Yeah.' Claire: 'Tell the truth.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag can't admit she's gripping the door handle during Claire's driving — 'Let go of the handle, then.'

Claire:'Don't make this fun!'

Claire:Claire immediately sobs after laughing

Claire:'It's OK, I'm fucking OK, I'm excellent.'

Fleabag · Claire:Claire: 'I just sometimes need you not to...' Fleabag finishes: 'To take the piss.' Claire: 'Don't finish my sentences!' — then they both fumble trying to finish the sentence differently

Fleabag · Claire:'Wow! Dad really splashed out this time. He must be about to do something awful.' 'No, it's just Mother's Day.' 'Oh.'

Fleabag · Claire:'We're not supposed to bond on this, are we? Because I really don't think that's going to end well. We're not supposed to talk at all. It's a silent retreat, God help us.'

Fleabag · Claire:'They're probably going to think we're a couple.' 'The fact that your mind even goes there is beyond disturbing.'

Fleabag · Claire:Host asks 'Two single beds or a double?' — Fleabag and Claire answer simultaneously and in opposite: Claire 'Two singles' / Fleabag 'A double, please.'

Claire · Fleabag:'What happened yesterday?' 'Sting wore white jeans and a puppy got stuck in a fan. Big day.'

Fleabag · Claire:The full unpacking sequence: Fleabag catalogues Claire's creams by body part — neck/chest, legs/knees, ends of hair, under-eyes, face and body — getting increasingly specific and absurd

Fleabag · Claire:'What would you do if someone stole all of those?' 'I'd kill myself.'

Fleabag · Claire:'Why are there no plug sockets in here?' — and the tiny batteries discovery

Claire · Retreat leader:During meditation, a vibrator buzzes loudly from one of the bags — 'Shh!'

Claire:Claire's visceral 'Eugh!' during the palm-touching exercise

Claire:'I can't feel my feet.' (during the shared bed scene after the meditation)

Claire:'When we were ten and cute. Now we're 30 and angry.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag steals Claire's vibrator and checks 'if it's working' — 'Oh, it's working, it's definitely working.' KNOCKING follows

Claire:'It's actually a really thoughtful present. Thank you.' (Claire to Fleabag, in the dark, after a silence — about the vibrator)

Claire:'And Martin getting me that sculpture. He must have bent over backwards to get something like that.'

Fleabag · Claire:Claire: 'I've always been insecure about my face.' / Fleabag: 'There's nothing wrong with your nose.'

Fleabag · Claire · Retreat leader:The retreat leader's alternatives for 'clients' — 'Clients.' / 'Inmates?' / 'Cleaners?' / 'Participants!'

Claire · Fleabag:'I got the Finland promotion.' [extended emotional scene] 'Does that mean you're a millionaire now? Handy.'

Fleabag · Claire:'Perfect place for your cold, cold heart.' / 'I know!'

Claire:Claire's reaction: an extended silence after 'Your husband tried to kiss me on your birthday' — then doors opening and closing

Claire:Yeah, you left me on a fucking Silent Hill.

Claire · Fleabag:Everything's totally fine. / It sounds like it's fine.

Claire:Let's just get out of this alive, OK?

Fleabag · Claire:Who's Dad sawing in half? — Oh, just the tree.

Fleabag · Claire:I love your hat. — It's a hair scarf. — Looks like a hat. — Well, it's a hair scarf. — OK.

Dad · Fleabag · Claire:She always made them sound so rude... The squirrel voices were the best. / Run! Fucking run!

Fleabag · Claire:Why are we sneaking? / We're not allowed upstairs. / Of course we are.

Fleabag · Claire:I keep forgetting that she's actually talented. / I know, it's infuriating.

Fleabag · Claire:Where's her head? / She's got your boobs — she doesn't need one.

Dad · Fleabag · Claire:Oh, no! / Jesus, Dad! Again? / She mustn't see it. She mustn't find out. / Mmm, five second rule. / No, I have never bought into that rule. It's disgusting.

Fleabag · Claire · Godmother:Tell Dad about your promotion, Claire. / There's nothing to tell. / Finland. / Oh! / Odd place.

Claire:Because you CAN'T just fuck off on aeroplanes, and leave your weird stepson and broken sister to fend for themselves, OK?

Claire:I'm just so annoyed with myself! I wish I could just... meet myself and just... have a go at myself!

Claire:You do not take yourself seriously as a businesswoman, you need to pay your fucking bills, you need to be nicer to Hillary and you need to get a new hat!

Fleabag · Claire:Is that better? / Yeah, it's better.

Dad · Claire · Fleabag:No, there's absolutely no need to... / Yes, lovely. / No, no - I'll definitely be there. / I will definitely be there.

Claire · Fleabag:Erm...what's his...? / Fucked me up the arse. / Oh. / Yep. It's... / Mm-hmm. / I totally see that now.

Claire · Fleabag:What's his...? / Fucked me up the arse. / Oh. / Yep. It's... / Mm-hmm. / I totally see that now.

Claire:I'm going to leave Martin. / I'm going to give you the money for the cafe, / and I'm going to go to fucking Finland.

Claire · Fleabag:Oh, and, erm... — followed by apparently revealing she took the sculpture — That is the coolest thing you've ever done. / I know.

Fleabag · Claire:Shall we...? / We can try.

Claire:I'm leaving Martin. I'm going to give you the money for the cafe, and I'm going to go to fucking Finland.

Claire · Martin · Fleabag:Claire arrives at the sexhibition with Martin — Fleabag had assumed she was leaving him.

Fleabag · Claire · Martin:Your husband tried to kiss me on your birthday... He says it was more like the other way around.

Fleabag · Claire:Martin's being lovely. [Martin immediately identified as Always drunk]

Unknown guest · Claire · Fleabag:Is there a reason that you're not drinking? He's an alcoholic. Oh, fun, my parents are alcoholics.

Godmother · Claire:Oh, Claire! We thought you couldn't have them. What, why? Well, you just seem a little...

Unknown guest · Claire:This sauce is disgusting. [immediately followed by] Oh, it's delicious, thank you.

Priest · Claire:You never told me you had a sister, Claire. Oh, well, we, um... We don't get to see each other much.

Unknown guest · Claire:It takes real commitment to be this happy. It's not just about eating and drinking well, either. Putting pine nuts on your salad doesn't make you a grown-up. Fucking does.

Claire:In Finland, we, um... they have this saying which I can't quite remember now.

Martin · Claire · Godmother:What? No, she's a lawyer. I thought you were a lawyer? No. What? I work with lawyers, I'm not a lawyer.

Claire:It's not a period, it's a fucking miscarriage, OK?

Claire:Just get your hands off my miscarriage! It's mine.

Claire:I just had a little... I just had... I had a little miscarriage.

Claire · Dad:No, I think I'll just deal with this in my own insane, irrational, anal way, if that's OK. / That's probably for the best.

Claire:Claire/Fleabag/Stepmother: 'Well, let's hope we all get as much pleasure out of this one.'

Claire · Fleabag:'Oh, he's a friend. He mainly defends rapists.' / 'He has a high success rate, then?'

David (Lawyer) · Claire · Fleabag:David: 'The most important thing, honey, is that you do not under any circumstances apologise.' Claire: 'I can do that.' David: 'No, that's not what we discussed.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire reveals she's decided not to tell Martin about the miscarriage and has been keeping him in the dark; then: 'I don't do that anymore.' / 'What? Why? Are you ill?'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire, about the lawyer: 'He's a very good lawyer. Surprisingly... tender underneath it all.' Fleabag's camera look: 'Knew it.'

Claire · Fleabag:'Is he single?' / 'Sort of.'

Claire · Fleabag:Culminating instruction: 'Just don't... don't be yourself.' / 'I won't.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire receives an emotional 'thank you' from Fleabag for helping with the event, then immediately: 'Don't play with that.'

Claire · Fleabag:'You're sweating so much.' / 'Sorry.' / 'It's attention-grabbing.' / 'It's only on one side.'

Claire · Fleabag:'Stop making jokes.' / 'I'm sorry. I can't help it.' / 'You can.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag to camera after meeting Belinda: 'She seems lovely.' / Claire: 'Yeah, she's great.' — and then Claire's immediate denial of being nervous.

Claire · Fleabag:Fleabag reveals: 'His name is Klare.' Beat. 'What?' 'His name is Klare.' 'Don't.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag's reaction beat to 'Klare' — the beat before she says 'Don't.' [Claire's pre-emption]

Claire · Fleabag:'It has to go like "cockwork."' / 'Like what?' / '"Cockwork."' / 'Claire, your brain is somewhere else right now.'

Claire:'It's not fine. I awarded her with a pair of tits.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire ordering Fleabag to 'Chase her down' and Fleabag questioning this — 'Chase her down?' / 'It's a stolen piece of art.'

Claire:Fleabag returns; Claire: 'Thought you might be snogging Finland.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire's eruption: 'You just think you can do whatever you like, say whatever you like, steal whatever you like, kiss whoever you like.' / 'He kissed me!' / 'Oh, I know!' / 'You know?'

Claire:'...with your quirky café and your dead best friend.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire: 'If you mention the size of my office, I will scream.' / Fleabag: 'It's huge.'

Claire:'We're not friends. We are sisters. Get your own friends.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire at the funeral — she's accidentally looking spectacularly, impossibly beautiful, and is mortified by it

Claire:'No matter what I do with my hair, it just keeps falling in this really chic way.'

Claire · Mourners:Multiple mourners arriving to comfort Claire immediately compliment her appearance: 'Gosh, you look gorgeous.' / 'My God, you look well.' / 'Darling, you look wonderful.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag spots the Stepmother and accuses her of 'trying to fuck my dad'; Claire snaps 'Can you not think the fucking worst of someone for just a split fucking second? Not everyone is after cock.' — then immediately: 'She's definitely trying to fuck my dad.'

Harry · Claire:Harry's trousers are visibly shrunken — left them in the dryer — at the funeral

Mourner · Fleabag · Claire:Mourner approaches to 'comfort' with a lengthy speech about how grief will get worse: 'The hard bit's gonna come in a few weeks... people start to forget... your lovely boyfriends might not be able to cope.'

Claire:'Oh, well, he's my husband, so...' — Claire's correction when the mourner says 'your lovely boyfriends'

Dad · Fleabag · Claire:Godmother arrives and the Dad says 'I'll leave you two' — the girls are visibly reluctant to be left alone with her

Claire · Fleabag:Claire's haircut reveal: 'I look like a pencil. — You... you don't look like... — Don't laugh!'

Fleabag · Claire:'Have you been drinking? — He gave me champagne before he ruined my life. — That's how they get you.'

Fleabag · Claire:'Did you go to Anthony? — Claire. — I know.'

Fleabag · Anthony · Claire:Confronting Anthony: 'No! That is exactly what she asked for. — No, it's not. We want compensation. — Hair isn't everything. — Wow. / What? / Hair is everything.'

Fleabag · Claire:'You got any cigarettes? — No. — Good.'

Claire:'I didn't want my husband's baby. Isn't that awful?'

Claire · Fleabag:'What does he do? — He's a priest.' — beat — Claire's silent reaction.

Claire:'You're a genius. You're my fucking hero.' — Claire, to Fleabag, about falling for a priest.

Klare · Claire:Klare's arrival and her reaction to Claire's hair: 'Claire, I love your hair! It's so cute and edgy and cool. Like superstar. Pop star.'

Claire:'Oh, I have to take my step-son his bassoon. / I mean, I wish I could.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag volunteers to take the bassoon: 'No biggie.' — Claire gives it up instantly.

Klare · Claire:Klare's compliments on Claire's hair turn her around completely: 'Goes so well with your top. — Oh, thank God. That's so sweet of you. / Honestly, I've had such a day with it.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire on Klare: 'Well, he's crazy about me so that's a nightmare.' / 'Nightmare.' (Fleabag echoing dryly)

Fleabag · Claire:'It's gonna be a lovely day, isn't it?' / 'I'm afraid so.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag and another character notice lipstick smeared somewhere visible — 'You have lipstick all...' / 'Oh, fucking hell. That would not look good.'

Claire:'I hate my husband and the man I love is on his way to Finland, so pretty weird.'

Fleabag · Claire:'Oh, way to upstage the bride!' / 'Tried my best.'

Claire:'It was my miscarriage.' / [pause] / 'It was my fucking miscarriage.'

Claire:'Yes, I thought you'd find that funny.'

Claire:'I guess it was your baby's way of saying it didn't want you as its father. Like a goldfish out of the bowl sort of thing.'

Claire · Martin:'You are an alcoholic, and you tried it on with my sister.' / 'Fine. I tried to kiss your sister on her birthday.' / 'My birthday!'

Martin · Claire:'Why the bassoon?' / 'You want to know what the bassoon is? It's a cry for help!'

Claire:Claire gets on her knees and says 'Please leave me!' after Martin said he wouldn't leave until she was 'down on her knees and begging'

Claire:Claire's airport speech: 'You can't get through security without a boarding pass. No, I wasn't suggesting that — I'd have to buy a dummy ticket just to get through the gate. I don't know when his flight is or which terminal. Imagine if I knew that. Imagine him finding out I knew all that.'

Claire:'Imagine if he was just in Boots buying a pair of tweezers in Terminal Five, and suddenly I was there. "Hello, Klare."'