Episode 5

Fleabag:I know I seem mental, but I'm fine.

Fleabag:I stole that sculpture from a certain somebody's studio.

Fleabag:Your husband tried to kiss me on your birthday.

Stepmother:Did he?

Fleabag:Yeah, evil boobs everywhere.

Fleabag · Doctor:Fleabag laughing during breast exam — 'I'm sorry, I'm just ticklish.'

Fleabag:Dad books us boob appointments once a year, to make sure our tits don't turn on us like Mum's did.

Fleabag:Bet you look forward to seeing Claire. A lot more to touch, if you know what I mean.

Doctor:HE CLEARS HIS THROAT — Doctor's only response to Fleabag's inappropriate 'lot more to touch' comment

Fleabag:it's nice to be touched — Fleabag's reason for not minding the annual screening

Doctor:I check for cancerous lumps in mammary glands. Now, any pleasure I derive from that is entirely dependent upon whether or not I am about to save your life.

Claire:Yeah, you left me on a fucking Silent Hill.

Fleabag:I see it more as a sport. — Fleabag on visiting Dad being 'hell' for Claire

Claire · Fleabag:Everything's totally fine. / It sounds like it's fine.

Claire:Let's just get out of this alive, OK?

Fleabag · Stepmother:Oh, they're actually for Dad. — Fleabag correcting Stepmother's assumption about the flowers

Dad:DISTANT CHAINSAW BUZZES — immediately upon entering the house

Fleabag · Claire:Who's Dad sawing in half? — Oh, just the tree.

Stepmother:Oh, I hope you don't mind my being here, but my Pilates fell through, so...

Dad:It's a sad day. A sad, sad day. — followed immediately by 'I'll get the champagne.'

Fleabag:TOTAL SILENCE — then Fleabag to camera: '(This is my favourite bit.)'

Fleabag · Claire:I love your hat. — It's a hair scarf. — Looks like a hat. — Well, it's a hair scarf. — OK.

Stepmother:Oh, no. He's a different one. Ooh. You do turn over fast!

Fleabag · Dad:Dad will come in with some weird canapés in a second. — Girls!

Dad:You're both looking very healthy, very... very good and healthy and...

Dad:You are my... ..daughters. HE COUGHS.

Dad · Fleabag · Claire:She always made them sound so rude... The squirrel voices were the best. / Run! Fucking run!

Stepmother:Yes, yes, my ex had a similar thing — voices and fun. Really, really funny man.

Fleabag:Plaits. Either she's got her period or some serious shit's gone down.

Fleabag:Mum used to call it her monthly confidence crisis. But it's PMT.

Fleabag:(I'm doing a wee on this cushion.) / What?!

Fleabag · Dad:The sculpture / stolen artwork confrontation — 'I don't want it in my house.' / '(I'm doing you a massive favour.)' / 'Come on, what's she going to do? Draw me?'

Fleabag · Claire:Why are we sneaking? / We're not allowed upstairs. / Of course we are.

Fleabag · Claire:I keep forgetting that she's actually talented. / I know, it's infuriating.

Fleabag · Claire:Where's her head? / She's got your boobs — she doesn't need one.

Fleabag:(Do you think she's ever painted Dad naked?)

Fleabag:He hates being alone in a room with me. Watch this.

Dad:Dad's panicked salt-searching: 'Oh! Uh...oh... Ah...erm... I just need some... Just need... I need some... salt. There it is.'

Dad:Have you got enough... clothes?

Dad:We've just been keeping it quiet. We haven't been able to buy anything or do anything... What's that? Oh, that? That's just a tiny little house we're buying in France.

Fleabag · Dad:Ooh...What's that? / Oh, that? That's just a...tiny little house we're...we're buying in...in France.

Dad · Fleabag · Claire:Oh, no! / Jesus, Dad! Again? / She mustn't see it. She mustn't find out. / Mmm, five second rule. / No, I have never bought into that rule. It's disgusting.

Fleabag:I mean, I didn't want to show off, but...

Stepmother · Dad:Gosh... You really are... — the family's reaction to the boyfriend's looks

Fleabag:Fucked me up the arse. — as how they met

Stepmother · Boyfriend:Actually, you know — and I can say this because I'm an artist — but you really are very good-looking. Thank you. Very. Thank you. Very. Thank you. I mean, almost... ..too good-looking.

Boyfriend:Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and do that old human thing.

Dad:Oh, and again... THEY LAUGH — second time someone has apparently spilled/knocked something

Stepmother:It's a 'sexhibition.'

Stepmother:simply a journey through my physical and sexual life, climaxing in a few pieces inspired by and moulded on your father

Fleabag · Stepmother:Why? — Well, I think it's important for women of all ages to see how my body has changed over the years. I think they have to have a healthy perspective on my body.

Stepmother · Fleabag:I mean, I don't need to tell you, but your father is a deeply sexual man. / No, you don't. / Just did.

Stepmother:CAT MEOWS — as punctuation after 'I will be touched until the day I die. And so will you, Claire.'

Fleabag · Claire · Godmother:Tell Dad about your promotion, Claire. / There's nothing to tell. / Finland. / Oh! / Odd place.

Claire:Because you CAN'T just fuck off on aeroplanes, and leave your weird stepson and broken sister to fend for themselves, OK?

Claire:I'm just so annoyed with myself! I wish I could just... meet myself and just... have a go at myself!

Fleabag:Do your worst. Come on, bitch!

Claire:You do not take yourself seriously as a businesswoman, you need to pay your fucking bills, you need to be nicer to Hillary and you need to get a new hat!

Fleabag · Claire:Is that better? / Yeah, it's better.

Boyfriend · Fleabag · Godmother:The artwork in this house is...stunning. / Who is it? / If I tell you, will you promise to come to my sexhibition?

Stepmother:If I tell you, will you promise to come to my sexhibition?

Stepmother · Fleabag:How's your little restaurant? / It's a cafe. / Oh, don't do it a disservice. / I'm not. It's a cafe.

Stepmother · Fleabag:Oh, her dear little friend died, and left her to run the cafe on her own. / (Jesus.) / Oh, God, that is truly awful. How did she die? / Oh, she killed herself. / It was an accident.

Fleabag:We did this. — Mmm-hmm.

Godmother:Well, if you rid a woman of her head and limbs, you can't expect her to do anything other than...roll around.

Stepmother:Well, if you rid a woman of her head and limbs, you can't expect her to do anything other than... roll around.

Stepmother:Your father and I often say, when you've had a few drinks, you're so like your mother.

Fleabag:Oh, whoops. — Fleabag apparently stumbles or knocks something after the emotional mother comparison

Stepmother:Look at these. — the family looking at photos (presumably Stepmother's yearly naked photographs)

Boyfriend · Fleabag:Does anyone mind if I leave? I've got a dicky tummy. / So swift...

Boyfriend:I'm not going to kiss you because I'm probably very ill.

Dad:Goodbye then, my... ..my daughters.

Fleabag:Yeah. See you at the sexhibition.

Dad · Claire · Fleabag:No, there's absolutely no need to... / Yes, lovely. / No, no - I'll definitely be there. / I will definitely be there.

Boyfriend:It's been really nice to spend the day with a normal family.

Claire · Fleabag:Erm...what's his...? / Fucked me up the arse. / Oh. / Yep. It's... / Mm-hmm. / I totally see that now.

Claire · Fleabag:What's his...? / Fucked me up the arse. / Oh. / Yep. It's... / Mm-hmm. / I totally see that now.

Claire:I'm going to leave Martin. / I'm going to give you the money for the cafe, / and I'm going to go to fucking Finland.

Claire · Fleabag:Oh, and, erm... — followed by apparently revealing she took the sculpture — That is the coolest thing you've ever done. / I know.

Fleabag · Claire:Shall we...? / We can try.

Fleabag:I'll see you at the sexhibition.