Fleabag

Fleabag:The elaborate midnight preparation routine — getting out of bed, drinking wine, showering, shaving everything, digging out Agent Provocateur suspender belt — just to pretend you've been up

Fleabag · Guy:She opens the door and performs nonchalant surprise — 'Oh. Hi. Hey.' — after all that preparation

Fleabag:'After some pretty standard bouncing, you realise...'

Fleabag:'..he's edging towards your arsehole. But you're drunk and he made the effort to come all the way here, so you let him.'

Fleabag:'To be fair, he does have a large penis. And although it's always been a fantasy of mine, I've never found anyone I could do it with.'

Fleabag · Guy:He thanks her with a 'genuine, earnest' — then says 'Thank you' — and it's 'sort of moving'

Fleabag:'Do I have a massive arsehole?'

Harry · Fleabag:Harry caught masturbating — and his defensive 'I was watching the news' — followed by the interrogation

Harry · Fleabag:'Don't say anything. And please don't contact me or turn up at my house drunk in your underwear. It won't work this time.' / 'It will.' / 'I'm taking that posh shampoo.'

Fleabag · Tube Man:Harry's virtues listed ('cook all the time, run baths, hoover, laugh at all my jokes, great with my family, really fucking affectionate') — followed by 'Sounds like a dickhead. Yeah.'

Bank Manager · Fleabag:Bank manager's aside about not supporting women-led businesses 'since the... Sexual harassment case.'

Fleabag · Bank Manager:Fleabag's top comes undone during the loan meeting — she insists it's an accident; 'I'm not trying to shag you! Look at yourself!'

Fleabag:Fleabag introduces her sister to camera: 'She's uptight and beautiful and probably anorexic, but clothes look awesome on her, so...'

Fleabag:'Had to do a flash poo in Pret.'

Fleabag · Claire:Sister horrified: 'Did you wash your hands?' — 'Of course not.' — [pause] — 'Of course I washed my hands.'

Fleabag:'Of course I washed my hands. It's not like I grew up without a mother.'

Fleabag · Claire:'Heard from Dad? No.' — followed immediately by the talking-head about their father's coping strategies

Claire · Fleabag:'You look tired.' / 'Thanks. I've been sleeping really well recently.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire asks Fleabag to take her coat off; Fleabag refuses — the coat is concealing the stolen top

Claire · Fleabag:Claire asks about the cafe; Fleabag cuts her off — 'I don't want to talk about it yet.' / 'We won't talk, then. Fine.' / 'Hair looks nice.' / 'Oh, fuck off.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag's internal monologue about asking Claire for money — building to 'I'm just going to ask her. I'm just going to ask her. I'm just going to come...' — 'Do you need to borrow money? No!'

Claire · Fleabag:'So business is good, then? Yeah. It's good. It's really good. It's really, really good. Yeah, it's really good. Sounds like it's really good. It is.'

Claire · Fleabag:'Don't get drunk and shit in your sink again.' / 'When are you going to stop bringing that up?' / 'When you do something better.'

Claire · Fleabag:'I have two degrees, a husband and a Burberry coat. You shat in a sink.'

Fleabag · Boo:'I swear there are pants that give you thrush. What are yours made from? Don't know. I need to get sexy pants. I hate my body, I hate my body, I hate my body, I hate my body.'

Boo · Fleabag:Boo: 'Oh my God. Definitely not. That does nothing for you.' — Fleabag: 'I hate that.' / 'What?' / 'These are MY clothes, Boo. I've been wearing these all day.'

Facilitator · Fleabag · Claire:The 'raise your hand if you'd trade five years of your life for the perfect body' bit — the camera (implied) holds on the women in the room, building suspense

Boo · Fleabag:'Won't you get cold? Nah, I've got really hairy nipples.'

Fleabag:Fleabag's double-take reaction to 'I've got really hairy nipples' — her 'What?' and the implied look to camera

Fleabag · Boo:Fleabag receives an attempted hug and reacts with terror: 'Jesus! A fucking hug! That's terrifying. Never do that again.'

Fleabag · Claire:'Do you want to go for a drink?' — Claire doesn't answer; Fleabag repeats it after a pause; still nothing

Fleabag:Fleabag to camera: 'My sister blows glass. She has done for a long time.' Followed immediately by 'I've never been in a fight. Well, I've been in a fight. Never been punched in the face. I've been punched in the leg. And someone once threw some punch in my face.'

Fleabag:Fleabag's talking-head: 'My sister blows glass. She has done for a long time.' / 'I've never been in a fight. Well, I've been in a fight. Never been punched in the face. I've been punched in the leg. And someone once threw some punch in my face.'

Fleabag · Date:She says 'Or we could just go back to mine' — he hedges, she repeats, he hedges again, she escalates — until: 'OK, what the fuck is your problem?'

Fleabag · Stranger:After the bar argument — Fleabag alone with a stranger, drunk — he asks 'Are you OK?' and she asks it back. 'Sad face.' 'I'm fine.'

Fleabag · Old Man:The old man at the bar invites Fleabag home: 'Do you want to come home with me?' 'What?! No way! You naughty boy.'

Fleabag · Boo:'Let's never ask anyone for anything. They don't get it.' / 'Deal. Deal. Fuck it.'

Fleabag:'This is totally fine.' — delivered to no one, in what is apparently not fine circumstances

Fleabag:Fleabag's self-diagnosis: 'I have a horrible feeling that I'm a greedy, perverted, selfish, apathetic, cynical, depraved, morally bankrupt woman who can't even call herself a feminist.'

Fleabag:'Good one.' — Fleabag's response to 'You get all that from your mother'

Fleabag · Dad:'Good one.' / 'Er, I'm going to call you a cab, darling. And, er... please don't go upstairs.'

Fleabag:'To be fair, she's not an evil stepmother. She's just a cunt.'

Fleabag:'To be fair, she's not an evil stepmother. She's just a cunt.'

Godmother · Fleabag:The Godmother's sculpture explanation — 'She's actually an expression of how women are subtle warriors' — and Fleabag's 'Tits.'

Fleabag:'Tits don't get you anywhere these days. Trust me.'

Fleabag · Godmother:'How much? Thousands. Oh. Can I have it? No.'

Fleabag · Cab Driver:Cab driver asks about the cafe: 'Shoot.' / 'I opened the cafe with my friend Boo. Cute name. Yeah. Yeah, she's dead now.'

Fleabag:Boo's death: 'She accidentally killed herself. Wasn't her intention, but it wasn't a total accident... She decided to walk into a busy cycle lane, wanting to get tangled in a bike — break a finger, maybe. As it turns out, bikes go fast and flip you into the road. Three people died. She was such a dick.'

Fleabag:'So, yeah. Kind of on my own.'

Fleabag:I opened the cafe with my friend Boo. Yeah, she's dead now.

Fleabag:Dad's way of coping with two motherless daughters was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures, start fucking our godmother and eventually stop calling.

Claire · Fleabag:Please don't contact me or turn up at my house drunk in your underwear. It won't work this time. / It will.

Fleabag:I think my period's coming.

Fleabag · Harry:Nice haircut. / It's better.

Fleabag:Give me two. [Beat] Gang bangs, Asian, I'd put a tenner on it.

Fleabag:Martin has been sent to his study; Fleabag looks at camera after Claire says 'He's organising your surprise birthday party.'

Fleabag · Claire:I have a week to organise that now. / Best of luck.

Fleabag:Stole it from a market. / Market artist.

Fleabag:Or I'll tell her you were watching gang bangs.

Fleabag · Harry (quoting):You're not like other girls. You can... keep up.

Fleabag:I admire how much Harry commits to our break-ups.

Fleabag:A few times, he's even cleaned the whole flat. Like it's a crime scene.

Fleabag:I've considered timing a break-up for when the flat needs a bit of a going over.

Fleabag:But he always leaves... him to come back for.

Fleabag:I'm not obsessed with sex, I just can't stop thinking about it. The performance of it. The awkwardness of it. The drama of it. The moment you realise someone wants your body. Not so much the feeling of it.

Fleabag:I took half an hour trying to look nice and I ended up looking amazing. Just one of those days.

Fleabag:Yeah, you check me out, chub-chub, because it's never gonna happen.

Fleabag:Oh, God, he can't believe how attractive I am. Kind of worried I'm going to make a sex offender out of the poor guy.

Fleabag · Man on street:Here we go. This better be good. Here we go. [Man coughs and says 'Hooker slag.']

Fleabag:Oh. Dropped my cucumber.

Fleabag · Customer:That'll be, er, £12.55, please. / London, eh?

Customer · Fleabag:Where do I recognise her? Is she famous? / Boo's death hit the papers. Local cafe girl gets hit by bike and a car and another bike.

Fleabag:I'm sorry, I don't have any change. [Customer has presumably not paid enough]

Fleabag:The next man who walks in here is getting ridden to death.

Fleabag:Dad! / Not ideal.

Fleabag · Dad:No. / What sculpture? / Oh, right, fine, good. Good, you said no and... ..that means I can go.

Woman · Fleabag:Hey. Do you do, like, hot organic-y food? / Of course. / Like, risotto. / Yeah. Sure. Grab a seat.

Fleabag · Jake (or male acquaintance):Fucked me up the arse. / What are you getting?

Fleabag · Jake:Oh, just these. For my... ..tiny, bleeding vagina. / Hot.

Jake · Fleabag:Stock cubes. / Hot.

Jake · Fleabag:I hope it's a light flow. / Oh, it never is. / It never... ..is.

Fleabag:Yes! / Yes, fucking yes, please, yes. / Yes. / Cool.

Fleabag:Oh, shit. Oh. That is not hygienic.

Fleabag · Boo:As long as I can wear it or eat it I'm happy. / You can do both of those things.

Fleabag · Boo:You idiot! / Escape artist.

Fleabag:I don't feel anything about guinea pigs, they're pointless, but Boo took Hillary very seriously as a gift and, soon, everything became guinea pig-related.

Fleabag:So reliable. Utterly inaccessible. Relentlessly profound. All he wants is to get you in the bath and ask questions like... 'What are you afraid of?' And you find yourself saying things like... 'I guess... losing the currency of youth.'

Fleabag · Arsehole Guy:Ask me a question. / When did you realise you were so good looking? / I knew I was different when I was about nine, but shit got real around 11. Shit got real? / You know... Aunts got weird.

Arsehole Guy · Fleabag:Do you ever feel lonely? / Yeah. Of course. Do you? / Never.

Arsehole Guy · Fleabag:Do you want some pineapple? / Yeah. [then sex sounds immediately follow]

Fleabag · Arsehole Guy:God, yeah! Oh, they're so small! They are so small! ... God, they are so fucking tiny! Yeah, I guess they're... Oh, God, they're hardly even there! I mean, what the fuck even are they? / Bit much. / Excuse me!

Fleabag:I'm having a Harry panic. Madame Ovary's telling me to run back to safe place, I can make baby in safe place, but you've got to ride it out. Mustn't call Ha—

Harry · Fleabag:Thanks for coming. / Were you busy? / No, I was in the interval... of Cats. The musical.

Fleabag · Harry:Was it good? / Really good, actually. Really good. / Sorry for interrupting. / No, that's OK. I, er... I got the feeling it wasn't going to end well for the cats, so probably good to remember them like that before they all...

Fleabag:I wish he'd just fuck me. All he wants to do is make love.

Fleabag:I wish he'd just fuck me. All he wants to do is make love.

Fleabag:He's wasting me. I was once fucking this guy who would breathe on every thrust... / You're so young! / I masturbate about that all the time.

Fleabag:I masturbate a lot these days. Especially when I'm bored. Or angry. Or upset. [...] Or happy.

Fleabag:Look, I think we should stop masturbating. And don't say anything yet...

Fleabag · Harry:I've hidden our vibrators. / Our?

Harry · Fleabag:Well, I think you're being really sexy. / Don't! / Oh! I'm joking. I never masturbate. I don't know how.

Fleabag · Harry:Also, I thought we should try and surprise each other once every day... / Are you getting this out of a book?

Claire · Fleabag:How are you? / Quiet day? / Yeah, I'm fine. / You OK? You look stressed. / Well, I'm successful, so...

Claire · Fleabag:Do you have rye bread? / No, but I have some normal bread you can puke up after.

Claire · Fleabag:Claire organises her own surprise party — 'I can organise it, do the food, act surprised, and just take it off your hands.' — completing the full collapse of the surprise party fiction

Claire · Fleabag:How behind are you? If it's money that you need... / I don't need money. / That'll be £25, please.

Claire · Fleabag:Oh, any news on Harry? / Yeah, we're back together. / Oh, God, I can't keep up.

Fleabag:Harry? [looks into her flat, finds someone else there] Oh. Shit.

Jake · Fleabag:Surprise! [jumping out at Fleabag in shower] / Why would you do that? I thought I was going to get raped!

Fleabag:It was a good joke.

Fleabag:It was a good joke. [Harry says this after Fleabag nearly had a heart attack from the surprise]

Fleabag · Harry:That was horrible. / It was a surprise. / I know. / Thank you.

Fleabag:I had to go into the history on my computer to find something I'd seen on the H&M website this morning and... I don't want to point fingers but... anal, gang bang, mature, big cock, small tits, hentai, Asian, teen, MILF, big butts, lesbian, gay, facial, fetish, bukake, young and old, swallow, rough, voyeur and public.

Fleabag:OK, sorry, but I really think you should write that down... For your songs and stuff. It's perfect! It's poetic yet real. Serious.

Harry · Fleabag:Don't... make me... / Hate you. / Yeah, I know, thank you.

Fleabag:He's going to write that down. [watching Harry]

Fleabag:He'll be back.

Fleabag:Fleabag looks at a jogger, says 'I should get on it.' Cut to [00:23]: 'Jogging.' — the punchline is delayed by 22 seconds of silence/walking

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag tells Claire she did a fart that 'was exactly like Mum's' — 'A door opening, or suspicious dark?' 'Door opening.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag: 'My farts used to be like, "Pah!" Now they're just sort of fighting their way out.' Claire: 'I haven't farted in about three years.'

Claire · Fleabag:Birthday cake presented; Claire says 'She won't eat it.' Fleabag says 'Thanks.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire's elaborate instructions for the party: '7pm arrival for a 7.30 surprise,' 'just wear trousers,' 'don't drink too much,' 'it's basically a business meeting.' Fleabag: 'Sounds like a blast.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag asks 'Can I bring a date?' Claire asks 'Harry?' Fleabag says 'No.' Claire: 'Who?' Fleabag: 'Oh, I don't know yet.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag says 'It's really inappropriate to jog around a graveyard.' Claire: 'Why?' Fleabag: 'Flaunting your life.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag: 'God, I can't wait to be old.' Claire: 'If it's any consolation, you look older than you are.'

Fleabag:Claire takes a phone call mid-conversation; Fleabag turns to camera to give the exposition about their dead mother — but the information 'it was particularly hard, cos she had amazing boobs' undercuts the grief with comedy

Fleabag:Fleabag: 'She used to tell me I was lucky cos mine would never get in the way. My sister's got whoppers, but she got all of Mum's good bits.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag asks what Martin has 'given' Claire; Claire says 'A cursory stroke would be nice.' Fleabag: 'What? No bang-bang?'

Fleabag · Claire:Claire struggles to say 'penis' in the graveyard while Fleabag coaches her like a child: 'Come on, little one. Come on, please.' — Claire finally says it and Fleabag says 'Thank you.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag spots a sobbing man: 'Christ, look at that man. Tragic.' Claire: 'Nah, he's a con.' — 'You can't call someone who is grieving a con.'

Fleabag:Fleabag: 'No-one grieves like that unless they are in a film or from Italy.'

Fleabag:Fleabag: 'Trust me, he's at a different grave every day, he can't get enough of it.' — immediately followed by the man sobbing audibly

Fleabag · Grieving Man:The grieving man turns out to actually visit different graves — 'You come here every day?' — confirming Fleabag was right

Fleabag:Fleabag instructing on party behavior: 'Don't do a jumpy-outy surprise thing, and don't sing Happy Birthday, I couldn't bear it.'

Fleabag:Fleabag says to camera: 'I'm, erm... I'm actually looking forward to it.' — beat of surprise at her own admission

Fleabag:Fleabag calls Harry (her ex) to invite him to Claire's party, fumbling the message across multiple beats, ending with a pathetic '...birthday party. Anyway, give me a call, and I hope you're OK. Bye.'

Fleabag:'I can't go out with a dog.' — Fleabag apparently photographing herself with or walking a dog, seemingly as a dating profile ploy

Fleabag:CAMERA CLICKS — Fleabag is apparently taking photos for an ex who demanded vagina pictures from wherever she was, 10-11 times a day, including while temping

Fleabag:'Time to throw the net out.' — Fleabag addresses the camera, apparently at a bar or social venue, announcing she's going to find a date

Martin · Fleabag:Martin is drunk at a shop, demands Fleabag 'Smack me in the face. Really hard.' Fleabag obliges. Martin: 'Fuck. I think you gave me a semi.'

Fleabag:Fleabag's monologue about Martin being 'Fun Drunk Martin' — 'no-one wants to admit there's a problem because then they don't get to have crazy nights out with Fun Drunk Martin'

Fleabag:Fleabag's monologue: Martin is 'one of those men who is explosively sexually inappropriate with everyone, but makes you feel bad if you take offence because he was "just being fun"'

Fleabag · Martin:Fleabag: 'Honestly, you could tell him you're going to pop to the loo and he'd say...' Martin: 'Yes, you pop to the loo, pull down your knickers, and then I will come in and fuck you.'

Fleabag · Pet Shop Owner:Pet shop owner: 'Why don't you get her a guinea pig? It was a surprise hit here.' Fleabag: 'What, you think she'd like a pig? Can I take this one?' Owner: 'No, not that one. Christ, woman, there's something wrong with that one, it's got death in its eyes.'

Fleabag · Pet Shop Owner:Pet shop owner: 'Vet says she's depressed.' Fleabag: 'Oh.' Beat. 'Aren't we all, girl?'

Pet Shop Owner · Fleabag:Pet shop owner: 'You know, guinea pigs can die of loneliness.' Fleabag: 'Can they?' — beat of resonance

Fleabag · Martin:Fleabag and Martin negotiating a consulting fee: 'Pay me and I'll help you.' 'Fuck off.' 'How much?' '£60.' '70.' 'Done.' 'Yeah!'

Fleabag · Martin:In what appears to be a boutique: Fleabag points at people as possible gift archetypes — 'I don't know who she is... No... What about...? No!'

Fleabag:'Chic means boring - don't tell the French.'

Fleabag:'Chic means boring — don't tell the French.'

Fleabag:'Stop checking, all right, nobody loves you. Help me here.'

Fleabag · Martin:'Get her something she'd never get herself. Surprise her.' / 'She'll think I've gone nuts.' / 'No, she'll think you see her as this person, and everyone wants to be this person.'

Fleabag · Martin:Fleabag: 'Get her something she'd never get herself. Surprise her.' Martin: 'She'll think I've gone nuts.' Fleabag: 'No, she'll think you see her as this person, and everyone wants to be this person.'

Fleabag · Martin:LAUGHTER — apparently they've found something funny in the shop (likely drug-related or just giddy) — the scene break implies they've become intoxicated and giggly

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag: 'I'm going to hold his face in my head so you can see him.' — then a beat — 'I'm not getting anything.'

Fleabag · Claire:'I'm not getting anything.' 'Make your face his face.' 'Yeah, OK.' — and then the face actually works

Claire · Fleabag:'Is he mixed race? I'm getting mixed race.' Fleabag: 'Yes!'

Fleabag · Claire · Neighbour:DOOR CLOSES. The actual neighbour appears — Fleabag and Claire have apparently been staring at him telepathically, and immediately have to deal with him in person.

Fleabag:Fleabag: 'Jesus. I'm really sorry, we're really high. We just really wanted to know what you look like.'

Fleabag:Fleabag (apparently high, looking at her feet): 'Oh, my God, look at my elegant feet.'

Fleabag:Fleabag sees someone and repeatedly shouts 'Hey. Hey! Hey. Hey. Hello! Hey. HEY!' escalating without response

Tube Coat Man · Fleabag:Man from the tube: 'Coming from you?' — he's telling Fleabag 'Easy, tiger' after she apparently almost ran into him, when HE is the one who got her coat caught outside the Tube

Fleabag:In a sex shop: Fleabag asks 'What are you craving?' and Fleabag says 'Oh, just a really, really cheap thrill.'

Fleabag · Sex Shop Employee:In the sex shop: 'Hey, what are you craving?' / 'Oh, just a really, really cheap thrill.'

Fleabag:Fleabag clarifying the vibrator is 'for her sister. It's for my very sexually frustrated sister.'

Fleabag · Jake:'You should totally get one of those.' 'A vagina?' 'Yeah.' 'Oh, I've already got one.' 'Really? You have...No...You've got one?' 'I take it with me everywhere.'

Jake · Fleabag:Jake in the car: 'Oh, my God, I love surprise parties. I love them, I love them, I love them.' Beat. 'Will your parents be there?' 'My dad might be...' 'Oh, intense.' 'Parents adore me.' 'I want you to be totally in love with me by the end of the night. OK?'

Party Guest · Fleabag:Party guest to Fleabag: 'Oh, I was so sorry to hear about Harry. Lovely Harry. Love Harry. Exciting news about his new job. Very exciting.' Fleabag: 'Yes, very exciting.' Guest: 'I was so pleased that you'd found someone else so fast.'

Fleabag:Fleabag: 'I don't think you have to be alone to be lonely. Dad always taught me that.'

Godmother · Fleabag:The Godmother mentions a missing artwork piece to Fleabag; Fleabag says 'That's awful, I'm so sorry.' Godmother: 'So sweet of you. Very sweet.' — with obvious sarcasm

Jake · Fleabag:GLASS SMASHES. Jake: 'Sorry, nothing happened. I was trying to be sexy.' Fleabag: 'It was, it was really sexy.' Jake: 'Was it?'

Fleabag · Claire · Unknown Man:'Claire, this is my friend...' 'Yes, yes, we've already met.' 'My wife.' — the man they've apparently been meeting is Martin's friend, who is also married to someone at the party

Martin · Party Guests · Fleabag:Martin reveals his present: a sculpture/statue of Claire's body. 'It is a shrine to your body... because I love your body.' The guests' reactions of 'This is really quite something' and the attempt to hide it.

Fleabag · Godmother:Fleabag to the Godmother: 'Smooth. I told you I'd find you a buyer.'

Fleabag:Fleabag to Martin: 'She's going to leave you one day. You looking forward to that?'

Tube Coat Man · Fleabag:A man approaches Fleabag: 'I think you took my coat.' She resists. He insists. It's the Tube man from earlier.

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag gives Claire the Burrower: 'It's called a Burrower — it basically won't stop until you cum.' Claire: 'Sounds horrendous. Thank you.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire asks 'Are you OK?' Fleabag: 'Yeah.' Claire: 'Tell the truth.'

Jake · Fleabag:Post-sex: Jake says 'Surprisingly bony.' Fleabag: 'I'm nearly finished. I'm nearly finished.' Jake: 'It's like having sex with a protractor.'

Jake · Fleabag:Post-sex: both keep saying 'That was amazing. Yeah. That was amazing. Yeah.' escalating in decreasing conviction, repeated four times across 10 seconds.

Jake · Fleabag:Jake: 'For fuck's sake.' Fleabag: 'What?' Jake: 'OK, you don't go through life with teeth like these and not know when someone's pretending.'

Jake · Fleabag:Jake: 'What the fuck is that?! I'll kick it.' Fleabag: 'No, no.' Jake: 'I'll kick it.'

Fleabag:Fleabag to Claire: 'Just don't tell her you got the statue from me, OK?'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag can't admit she's gripping the door handle during Claire's driving — 'Let go of the handle, then.'

Fleabag:Fleabag orders a vibrator for 'my very sexually frustrated sister'

Fleabag · Colleague:The sexual harassment case euphemism exchange — 'We haven't had the opportunity to support any women-led businesses since the... Sexual harassment case.' 'Yes, the sexual harassment case.'

Fleabag:'Do you know what the lesbian app for Grindr is called? Twat Nav.'

Fleabag · Claire:Claire: 'I just sometimes need you not to...' Fleabag finishes: 'To take the piss.' Claire: 'Don't finish my sentences!' — then they both fumble trying to finish the sentence differently

Fleabag:'Fucking psycho.' (after a long, loaded silence in the car)

Fleabag · Claire:'Wow! Dad really splashed out this time. He must be about to do something awful.' 'No, it's just Mother's Day.' 'Oh.'

Fleabag · Claire:'We're not supposed to bond on this, are we? Because I really don't think that's going to end well. We're not supposed to talk at all. It's a silent retreat, God help us.'

Fleabag · Claire:'They're probably going to think we're a couple.' 'The fact that your mind even goes there is beyond disturbing.'

Fleabag:Fleabag, cheerfully: 'We'd make a really cute couple.'

Fleabag:Fleabag: 'I'm going to die here. We're going to be raped and die.' / 'Every cloud...'

Fleabag · Claire:Host asks 'Two single beds or a double?' — Fleabag and Claire answer simultaneously and in opposite: Claire 'Two singles' / Fleabag 'A double, please.'

Claire · Fleabag:'What happened yesterday?' 'Sting wore white jeans and a puppy got stuck in a fan. Big day.'

Fleabag · Claire:The full unpacking sequence: Fleabag catalogues Claire's creams by body part — neck/chest, legs/knees, ends of hair, under-eyes, face and body — getting increasingly specific and absurd

Fleabag · Claire:'What would you do if someone stole all of those?' 'I'd kill myself.'

Fleabag · Claire:'Why are there no plug sockets in here?' — and the tiny batteries discovery

Fleabag:'If you want to have a wank, I can give you some space.' / 'I'll go into the bathroom and moisturise my wrists for a bit.'

Fleabag:The motivational tape says 'Let go of your past' — Fleabag: 'Bit on the nose.'

Fleabag:Fleabag realizes she's wandered into the MALE anti-misogyny workshop rather than the women's retreat

Fleabag:'Literally her worst nightmare.' (Fleabag to camera, during the palm-touching meditation exercise)

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag steals Claire's vibrator and checks 'if it's working' — 'Oh, it's working, it's definitely working.' KNOCKING follows

Fleabag:Fleabag confesses she stole the sculpture — 'and then I tried to sell it through Martin, but Martin took it and gave it to you'

Fleabag · Claire:Claire: 'I've always been insecure about my face.' / Fleabag: 'There's nothing wrong with your nose.'

Fleabag · Retreat Leader:Meditation prompt: 'If you could change anything in the whole world, what would it be?' Fleabag: 'My thighs.' Leader: 'In the whole world?' Fleabag: 'Don't tell anyone I said that.'

Fleabag:'We've paid them to let us clean their house in silence.'

Fleabag · Claire · Retreat leader:The retreat leader's alternatives for 'clients' — 'Clients.' / 'Inmates?' / 'Cleaners?' / 'Participants!'

Claire · Fleabag:'I got the Finland promotion.' [extended emotional scene] 'Does that mean you're a millionaire now? Handy.'

Fleabag:Jake 'freaks out if she's gone for longer than a day and he's got this thing about trying to get in the bath with her. He's 15.'

Fleabag:'No, no. No, Jake. No!' (Fleabag miming/reacting to the Jake bath story)

Fleabag · Claire:'Perfect place for your cold, cold heart.' / 'I know!'

Fleabag:'Your husband tried to kiss me on your birthday.'

Fleabag · Man (the Banker):'Yeah, I...thought I recognised you.' / 'Fair enough.' / 'Probably for the best.'

Fleabag:I know I seem mental, but I'm fine.

Fleabag:I stole that sculpture from a certain somebody's studio.

Fleabag:Your husband tried to kiss me on your birthday.

Fleabag:Yeah, evil boobs everywhere.

Fleabag · Doctor:Fleabag laughing during breast exam — 'I'm sorry, I'm just ticklish.'

Fleabag:Dad books us boob appointments once a year, to make sure our tits don't turn on us like Mum's did.

Fleabag:Bet you look forward to seeing Claire. A lot more to touch, if you know what I mean.

Fleabag:it's nice to be touched — Fleabag's reason for not minding the annual screening

Fleabag:I see it more as a sport. — Fleabag on visiting Dad being 'hell' for Claire

Claire · Fleabag:Everything's totally fine. / It sounds like it's fine.

Fleabag · Stepmother:Oh, they're actually for Dad. — Fleabag correcting Stepmother's assumption about the flowers

Fleabag · Claire:Who's Dad sawing in half? — Oh, just the tree.

Fleabag:TOTAL SILENCE — then Fleabag to camera: '(This is my favourite bit.)'

Fleabag · Claire:I love your hat. — It's a hair scarf. — Looks like a hat. — Well, it's a hair scarf. — OK.

Fleabag · Dad:Dad will come in with some weird canapés in a second. — Girls!

Dad · Fleabag · Claire:She always made them sound so rude... The squirrel voices were the best. / Run! Fucking run!

Fleabag:Plaits. Either she's got her period or some serious shit's gone down.

Fleabag:Mum used to call it her monthly confidence crisis. But it's PMT.

Fleabag:(I'm doing a wee on this cushion.) / What?!

Fleabag · Dad:The sculpture / stolen artwork confrontation — 'I don't want it in my house.' / '(I'm doing you a massive favour.)' / 'Come on, what's she going to do? Draw me?'

Fleabag · Claire:Why are we sneaking? / We're not allowed upstairs. / Of course we are.

Fleabag · Claire:I keep forgetting that she's actually talented. / I know, it's infuriating.

Fleabag · Claire:Where's her head? / She's got your boobs — she doesn't need one.

Fleabag:(Do you think she's ever painted Dad naked?)

Fleabag:He hates being alone in a room with me. Watch this.

Fleabag · Dad:Ooh...What's that? / Oh, that? That's just a...tiny little house we're...we're buying in...in France.

Dad · Fleabag · Claire:Oh, no! / Jesus, Dad! Again? / She mustn't see it. She mustn't find out. / Mmm, five second rule. / No, I have never bought into that rule. It's disgusting.

Fleabag:I mean, I didn't want to show off, but...

Fleabag:Fucked me up the arse. — as how they met

Fleabag · Stepmother:Why? — Well, I think it's important for women of all ages to see how my body has changed over the years. I think they have to have a healthy perspective on my body.

Stepmother · Fleabag:I mean, I don't need to tell you, but your father is a deeply sexual man. / No, you don't. / Just did.

Fleabag · Claire · Godmother:Tell Dad about your promotion, Claire. / There's nothing to tell. / Finland. / Oh! / Odd place.

Fleabag:Do your worst. Come on, bitch!

Fleabag · Claire:Is that better? / Yeah, it's better.

Boyfriend · Fleabag · Godmother:The artwork in this house is...stunning. / Who is it? / If I tell you, will you promise to come to my sexhibition?

Stepmother · Fleabag:How's your little restaurant? / It's a cafe. / Oh, don't do it a disservice. / I'm not. It's a cafe.

Stepmother · Fleabag:Oh, her dear little friend died, and left her to run the cafe on her own. / (Jesus.) / Oh, God, that is truly awful. How did she die? / Oh, she killed herself. / It was an accident.

Fleabag:We did this. — Mmm-hmm.

Fleabag:Oh, whoops. — Fleabag apparently stumbles or knocks something after the emotional mother comparison

Boyfriend · Fleabag:Does anyone mind if I leave? I've got a dicky tummy. / So swift...

Fleabag:Yeah. See you at the sexhibition.

Dad · Claire · Fleabag:No, there's absolutely no need to... / Yes, lovely. / No, no - I'll definitely be there. / I will definitely be there.

Claire · Fleabag:Erm...what's his...? / Fucked me up the arse. / Oh. / Yep. It's... / Mm-hmm. / I totally see that now.

Claire · Fleabag:What's his...? / Fucked me up the arse. / Oh. / Yep. It's... / Mm-hmm. / I totally see that now.

Claire · Fleabag:Oh, and, erm... — followed by apparently revealing she took the sculpture — That is the coolest thing you've ever done. / I know.

Fleabag · Claire:Shall we...? / We can try.

Fleabag:I'll see you at the sexhibition.

Fleabag:Your husband tried to kiss me on your birthday.

Fleabag:He fucked me up the arse.

Fleabag · Connor:Oh, look at me. / I want to see those tiny things again. / Stay sexy. Stay sexy. / They are so fucking tiny.

Fleabag:There's always a stage when someone's falling in love with you that they lose their erection. They get confused, they panic, the stakes get too high, the blood rushes from their dick to their heart.

Fleabag:Apparently he liked it when their eyes popped out.

Fleabag · Other character:To fuck hamsters? / No, because people make mistakes.

Fleabag:Have you seen a sort of stressed out version of me anywhere?

Fleabag:Is it weird that my mouth's watering?

Godmother/Stepmother · Fleabag:Have you found your father yet? / Oh, yes, I think he's by the coats. / No, no, have you found your father yet? / It's just so very obvious to me.

Connor · Fleabag:Connor's confession: 'I didn't realise this until we were having sex earlier and I lost my...' 'Erection.' 'Erection.' 'One more time.' 'Erection.'

Connor · Fleabag:Her? / Yeah, we've been together for a couple of months. And physically she just never satisfied me — she has these really massive, bouncy tits that really don't do anything for me.

Fleabag:Never wear padding, OK?

Fleabag:I can't survive much longer in this sea of penises.

Fleabag · Harry:What did she do to you? / We just, you know, covered me in plaster and left me in the garden for a couple of hours.

Fleabag · Harry:Oh! Great. Yeah, he just dumped me, so... / Oh! / I'm sorry. / This is very...you.

Harry · Fleabag:Where's my penis? / Oh, it's on the wall over there, second from the left.

Fleabag · Harry:I've been rolling around in my lingerie, all over it, waiting for you to come and collect it. / Just your Tupperware, and your TV, and your dinosaur plate.

Harry · Fleabag:Oh, I got a new dinosaur plate, but, erm... / Yeah, but, thank you, but, you can keep those.

Fleabag · Harry:Hey, do you still wank about me sometimes? / No.

Claire · Martin · Fleabag:Claire arrives at the sexhibition with Martin — Fleabag had assumed she was leaving him.

Fleabag · Godmother/Stepmother:SHE CLICKS HER FINGERS / SHE MOUTHS / GLASS SHATTERS / GASPS / SHE MOUTHS (Don't) / DON'T! / CRASH / GASPS / SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY / 'The joys of butter-fingered staff.'

Godmother/Stepmother · Fleabag:Stop making a spectacle of yourself and clean that up. / You clean that up.

Fleabag:I'm sorry. / Turns out I'm not such a natural after all.

Fleabag:Fleabag, to camera, after Stepmother's outburst: 'I'm sorry you had to hear that... but you did have to hear it.'

Fleabag:I'm going to hurt myself, I'm going to get hit by a bike, and then hurt my finger and then he's going to have to come and see me in hospital and be really sorry for what he did.

Dad · Fleabag:You have the same lines on your forehead as me. / Thank you for fixating on them.

Dad · Fleabag:And sad. / Not born sad. / Some people are. / You weren't. / No, I guess not.

Dad · Fleabag:Why do you do that to yourself? / Looks cool.

Bank Manager · Fleabag:I thought in the application for your loan it said you ran a cafe for guinea pigs. That's why I thought it was funny. I never thought guinea pigs needed... / It's guinea pig themed. / OK. / Yeah. / That makes sense. / Yeah.

Fleabag · Bank Manager:I also fucked it into liquidation. / OK. / And I fucked up my family. / Did you? / And I fucked my friend by fucking her boyfriend.

Fleabag:And I know that my body, as it is now, really is the only thing I have left, and when that gets old and unfuckable I may as well just kill it.

Fleabag · Bank Manager:And somehow there isn't anything worse than someone who doesn't want to fuck me. / I fuck everything... except for when I was in your office, I really wasn't trying to have sex.

Fleabag:You know, everyone feels like this a little bit, and they're just not talking about it, or I'm completely fucking alone... which isn't fucking funny.

Bank Manager · Fleabag:People make mistakes. / It's why they put rubbers on the ends of pencils. / Is that a joke? / I don't know.

Bank Manager · Fleabag:I think we should start your interview again. / Here? / Yeah. / Go on. / OK. / Well, thank you for coming in. / No problem. / I've read through your application form. / It says you run a cafe for guinea pigs. / SHE LAUGHS / Told you it was funny.

Fleabag:I opened a café with my friend Boo. Yeah, she's dead now.

Fleabag:She's beautiful! [referring to Hilary, likely a guinea pig or animal, while mum is mentioned as dead]

Fleabag:Mum died three years ago. Loo, doo, ooh, badoo!

Fleabag:Dad's way of coping with two motherless daughters was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures, start fucking our Godmother and eventually stop calling.

Fleabag:Jake's her step-son, he's really weird. Probably clinically but no one really talk about that.

Fleabag · Claire · Martin:Your husband tried to kiss me on your birthday... He says it was more like the other way around.

Fleabag · Claire:Martin's being lovely. [Martin immediately identified as Always drunk]

Fleabag:This is a love story.

Fleabag:Do you wanna have sex? No. Can I at least go down on you? No!

Fleabag:Congratulations, you assholes.

Fleabag:Don't know who this guy is.

Fleabag · Unknown guest:You look well, where've you been? Boots. It's lovely there this time of year.

Fleabag:Love the Catholics! You can get away with anything. A lot of them did!

Fleabag:Needy waitress.

Fleabag · Godmother:Dream team. [Fleabag and Godmother both ordering identical sparkling water with lime]

Unknown guest · Claire · Fleabag:Is there a reason that you're not drinking? He's an alcoholic. Oh, fun, my parents are alcoholics.

Fleabag · Unknown guest:No one's asked me a question in 45 minutes. So what do you do? Er, I run a café. Oh, wow! It's going well, is it? Yes, it is. It really is.

Fleabag:It actually is. It is. [internal reassurance to camera]

Priest · Fleabag:So, do your family get together much, or...? Fuck you, then.

Fleabag:Yeah, they can't even masturbate.

Fleabag · Priest:Sounds like a riot. He was, actually.

Dad · Fleabag:It's just for you. [Dad gives Fleabag money privately, as a personal gift not for the café]

Dad · Fleabag:You're not being naughty. No! Why?

Priest · Fleabag:Oh, no. We probably shouldn't arrive at the table together.

Fleabag:I take all the negative emotions and just bottle them and bury them and they never come out. I've basically never been better.

Martin · Fleabag · Dad:What's that in your hand? It's a voucher. For a counselling session. Thanks, Dad.

Dad · Fleabag:That was meant to be a bedroom present. A what? A present that you open in your bedroom, alone.

Fleabag:Are you pissed off or are you doing a poo?

Fleabag:Could try and fashion something with wings out of these. [offering hand towels]

Multiple guests · Fleabag:Are you OK? Yeah, I'm, er... Er... Is, um... is it? No, I'm sorry, I just... Here we go.

Unknown guest · Fleabag:Whose was it? Maybe leave that for later.

Unknown · Fleabag:Can I do anything? No, thank you. They've gone. So...

Priest · Fleabag:'I thought you'd be in prison by now.' / 'Oh, well, I keep trying, but they just won't have me.'

Fleabag · Priest:'I'm sorry about your eye.' / 'Oh, that's OK. Gives me some edge. I've told them some heroic bullshit.'

Fleabag · Priest:Fleabag trying to pay the Priest back in 'instalments' while he insists he has no pockets

Fleabag · Pam:Fleabag turns to camera: 'That's Pam.' — after Pam announces she's going to 'knife the candles'

Fleabag · Priest:'Oh, is that holy?' / 'A bit less than it was before.'

Fleabag · Priest:'So, you're a cool priest, are you?' / 'No, I'm a big reader with no friends. Are you a cool person?' / 'Well, I don't believe in God.'

Fleabag:Fleabag's fourth-wall aside: 'I love it when He does that.'

Priest · Fleabag:'Is the father alright?' / 'Well, he's... he doesn't really... exist.'

Fleabag:Fleabag turns to camera: 'Oh God, I fancy a priest.'

Fleabag · Joe · Stranger:Fleabag is forced to talk to a stranger ('Where are you from?') because she hasn't bought anything — 'Chatty Wednesday' rules applied to her involuntarily

Shop Person · Fleabag:'She hasn't bought anything yet, Joe.' Fleabag: 'Oh, shit! I'm so sorry.'

Stranger · Fleabag:Random person at the shop compliments Fleabag's trainers mid-emotional-crisis. 'They're some pretty funky trainers.'

Stepmother · Fleabag:Stepmother saying she has six friends who had miscarriages — 'A lie' (Fleabag aside to camera) — and five never had children, 'but the sixth one did, and rather regretted it.'

Fleabag · Stepmother:Fleabag texts her father; Stepmother has Dad's phone ('Oh, I saw that.')/ 'Oh, so he is here?' / 'Sorry, no. I've got his phone today.'

Stepmother · Fleabag:Stepmother says she had an orgasm finishing a painting — 'Well, let's hope we all get as much pleasure out of this one.'

Claire · Fleabag:'Oh, he's a friend. He mainly defends rapists.' / 'He has a high success rate, then?'

Fleabag:Fleabag's aside to camera: 'They've definitely fucked.' / 'They haven't.' / 'Oh, God, I've got to get out.'

David (Lawyer) · Claire · Fleabag:David: 'The most important thing, honey, is that you do not under any circumstances apologise.' Claire: 'I can do that.' David: 'No, that's not what we discussed.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire reveals she's decided not to tell Martin about the miscarriage and has been keeping him in the dark; then: 'I don't do that anymore.' / 'What? Why? Are you ill?'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire, about the lawyer: 'He's a very good lawyer. Surprisingly... tender underneath it all.' Fleabag's camera look: 'Knew it.'

Claire · Fleabag:'Is he single?' / 'Sort of.'

Fleabag:Fleabag's aside about the therapy voucher: 'I'd rather have the money.'

Therapist · Fleabag:Therapy session: 'It would be good not to make jokes in here just in case anything gets lost in humorous translation.' / 'Oh, I don't know if I can do that.'

Fleabag:Fleabag's therapy monologue: 'I think because my mother died and he can't talk about it / and my sister and I didn't speak for a year because she thinks I tried to sleep with her husband / and because I spent most of my adult life using sex to deflect from the screaming void inside my empty heart. I'm good at this.'

Therapist · Fleabag:'Any friends?' (long pause) 'Any friends?' / '...no, I don't really have time for... Well, I have a guinea pig, but she blows hot and cold. Not a joke.'

Fleabag · Therapist:Therapist: 'Tell me about the sex.' Fleabag: 'All of it?'

Fleabag:'I just play tennis now.' (in response to 'You said you don't do that now' about sex)

Fleabag:'Well, I'm very horny, and your little scarf isn't helping.'

Fleabag · Therapist:Fleabag describes the man she's not having sex with: 'He's not available.' / 'In a relationship?' / 'Yes. A bad one.' / 'How so?' / 'It's the sort of relationship where one partner tells the other how to dress.'

Fleabag · Therapist:Therapist: 'Are you in love with him?' Fleabag: 'No.' Therapist: 'Why do you find that funny?' Fleabag: 'Well, I... I lied. I just... I don't know.'

Fleabag · Therapist:The therapy session: Fleabag talks about 'someone' who is 'always there' — while we understand she means the audience she speaks to directly. 'Do you see them a lot?' / 'They're always there.'

Therapist · Fleabag:Therapist: 'Just a girl with no friends and an empty heart?' Fleabag: 'By your own description.' Pause. Fleabag: 'I have friends.'

Fleabag:'I want the money.' (said to camera, after being told it's too late to exchange the voucher)

Fleabag:'I want to fuck a priest.' — Fleabag's confession to the therapist

Therapist · Fleabag:'Do you want to fuck the priest or do you want to fuck God?' / 'Can you fuck God?' / 'Oh, yes.'

Therapist · Fleabag:'You already know what you're going to do. Everybody does.' / 'What's the point in you?'

Therapist · Fleabag:'You know what you're going to do.' / 'No, I don't.' / 'Yes, you do.' / 'I don't.' / 'You do. You do.' / 'I don't. I don't!' / 'Good luck.' / 'Thank you.' / 'Shut up.'

Fleabag · Suzie:Fleabag bumps into Suzie — her ex-girlfriend — who is visibly very pregnant at the fete

Suzie · Fleabag:'You got a fringe.' / 'Yeah.' / 'Yeah. Cool.' / 'Aw. You always wanted a baby.' / 'You always wanted a fringe.'

Fleabag:Fleabag tells the Priest about the painting — 'she actually orgasmed when she finished it' — immediately after saying 'Just don't say it'

Fleabag:Fleabag aside to camera: 'Arm touch.'

Martin · Fleabag:Martin: 'At least my son is in the Youthy Band. What's your excuse?' / Fleabag: 'I'm helping the priest.' / Martin: 'Wow, you do love a challenge, don't you?'

Fleabag:Creepy Jake description: 'Mainly says things like... Where's Claire? And... Where's Claire?'

Fleabag:'Knuckle brush.' (Fleabag aside to camera after the Priest's hand grazes hers during the book exchange)

Claire · Fleabag:Culminating instruction: 'Just don't... don't be yourself.' / 'I won't.'

Fleabag:'Fuck's sake.' — Fleabag's reaction to being caught in the corridor / the building by someone who knows Claire

Fleabag:'Put her in a quiet room with a nice breeze she'll have a panic attack... She's so happy.'

Fleabag:'Just to make sure it's not pink or anything horrifically female.'

Fleabag:'It's perfect. It looks like a sperm.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire receives an emotional 'thank you' from Fleabag for helping with the event, then immediately: 'Don't play with that.'

Fleabag:Physical comedy: Fleabag drops/nearly drops the heavy award — 'Oh, that's heavy. Argh!'

Claire · Fleabag:'You're sweating so much.' / 'Sorry.' / 'It's attention-grabbing.' / 'It's only on one side.'

Fleabag:'Yeah, especially sad when you have to tell your family not to touch each other up by the photocopier.'

Claire · Fleabag:'Stop making jokes.' / 'I'm sorry. I can't help it.' / 'You can.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag to camera after meeting Belinda: 'She seems lovely.' / Claire: 'Yeah, she's great.' — and then Claire's immediate denial of being nervous.

Klare · Fleabag:'I ate a sausage over there, thinking it was a prune. Fifteen years of vegetarianism, gone. Like bang, bang.' / 'We do actually call them "bangers."' / 'Ah! That's funny! Yes, it was.'

The Priest · Fleabag:'Oh, just when I'm with you.' (off the wagon for champagne, specifically when with The Priest)

Fleabag:'I just said, "Let's go fuck like crazy tonight."'

Claire · Fleabag:Fleabag reveals: 'His name is Klare.' Beat. 'What?' 'His name is Klare.' 'Don't.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag's reaction beat to 'Klare' — the beat before she says 'Don't.' [Claire's pre-emption]

Fleabag:Fleabag announces 'Klare Korhonen' as a nominee, apparently accidentally — 'Oh, uh, sorry. I-I think there's been a mistake here.'

Claire · Fleabag:'It has to go like "cockwork."' / 'Like what?' / '"Cockwork."' / 'Claire, your brain is somewhere else right now.'

Fleabag:Fleabag steps up to replace the apparently incapacitated Sylvia: 'Um, I'm sorry. It appears that Sylvia is busy, which shouldn't come as a surprise, really.'

Fleabag:'It's been a big year for business. Particularly women in business. Men have been pretty hands-on the past few decades.'

Fleabag:'...family really shouldn't touch each other up next to the photocopier.' (repeated as formal speech)

Fleabag:'Well, I was going to say this is a bit on the nose, but she doesn't seem to have one.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire ordering Fleabag to 'Chase her down' and Fleabag questioning this — 'Chase her down?' / 'It's a stolen piece of art.'

Belinda · Fleabag:'Oh, it's infantilising bollocks.' / 'Well, don't you think it's good that...' / 'No. No. It's ghettoising. It's a subsection of success.'

Belinda · Fleabag:Belinda's favourite 'period film' is Carrie.

Fleabag:Fleabag's reaction to 'Carrie' — 'God.' followed by 'God, you are a tonic.'

Belinda · Fleabag:Fleabag, asked if she's a 'woman in business': 'I run a café. / Oh, good for you. / Did you make the canapés? / Uh, no, actually, I stole them.'

Belinda · Fleabag:Belinda: '...grab the night by its nipples and go and flirt with someone.' / Fleabag: 'Mm. No, that's not what I meant.'

Fleabag · Belinda:'And what had Jesus done by 33? / Died? / Exactly. So get out there and flirt.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire's eruption: 'You just think you can do whatever you like, say whatever you like, steal whatever you like, kiss whoever you like.' / 'He kissed me!' / 'Oh, I know!' / 'You know?'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire: 'If you mention the size of my office, I will scream.' / Fleabag: 'It's huge.'

Fleabag · The Priest:Fleabag: 'I just fancied a drink and a priest and a chat, maybe.' / Priest: 'Oh, that's my whole job.'

The Priest · Fleabag:'We'll have to be quiet though because Pam's a bit of a sound tyrant in the evenings.' / 'Pam lives here?'

Fleabag · The Priest:Fleabag identifies 'inconsistencies' in the Bible: 'The world was made in seven days... light came... and then a few days later, the sun came.' / Priest: 'Yeah, that's ridiculous.'

The Priest · Fleabag:Fleabag: 'But you believe that.' / Priest: 'But it's not fact. It's poetry, it's moral code. It's for interpretation...'

Fleabag · The Priest:'We can arrange that.' / 'A father of many.' / 'I'll go up to three.' / 'It's not gonna happen.' / 'Two, then.' / 'OK, two.'

Fleabag · The Priest:Fleabag: 'Lucky God got there first.' / Priest: 'Well, yeah.' / Fleabag: 'You could be a fox boy by now.' / Priest: 'And we all know what happened to them.'

Fleabag:Fleabag interrupts herself mid-word with 'Oh, it's a fucking fox!'

The Priest · Fleabag:Priest: 'Chill out about the fox.' / Fleabag: 'Oh, sorry. I just don't know what they want from me.'

Fleabag · The Priest:Fleabag: 'I know that's what you think you want from me, but it's not.' / Priest: 'Well, it might.' / Fleabag: 'It won't.' / Priest: 'I've been there many times... before I found this.' / Fleabag: 'How many times?'

Priest · Fleabag:'I've been there many times... before I found this. Many, many times. / How many times?'

The Priest · Fleabag:Priest: 'I'd really like to be your friend, though.' / Fleabag: 'I'd like to be your friend, too.' / 'We'll last a week.'

Fleabag:Fleabag: 'Nowhere.' — her response to 'where'd you just go?'

Fleabag:Fleabag silently admiring the Priest's arms, neck, and general physical appearance while having what should be a serious conversation about death and funerals

Fleabag · Priest:Fleabag accidentally says 'His beautiful neck' out loud instead of keeping it as an internal aside

Fleabag:Fleabag, now alone, looks to camera and quietly says 'His beautiful neck' again — a private, helpless repetition

Fleabag:Fleabag describes a Quaker meeting to camera: 'It's very intense. It's very quiet. It's very, very... erotic.'

Fleabag:Fleabag in the Quaker meeting, visibly struggling, then suddenly blurting her confession: 'I sometimes worry that I wouldn't be such a feminist if I had bigger tits.'

Fleabag:The café is revealed to be full of guinea pigs — Fleabag's 'unique selling point'

Priest · Fleabag:'Why so many guinea pigs?' / 'I just thought it'd be a unique selling point.' / 'Which came first, the guinea pig or the guinea pig café?'

Priest · Fleabag:'What do guinea pigs do?' / 'Um, they are born, they shit themselves with fear, and then they die.'

Priest · Fleabag:The Priest notices Fleabag 'disappear' mid-conversation — catches her doing her fourth-wall-breaking dissociation in real time

Fleabag · Priest:'No, stop being so churchy.' / 'I'm not being churchy, I'm just trying to get to know you.' / 'Well, I don't want that.'

Fleabag:'I think you've played with my guinea pig long enough.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire at the funeral — she's accidentally looking spectacularly, impossibly beautiful, and is mortified by it

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag spots the Stepmother and accuses her of 'trying to fuck my dad'; Claire snaps 'Can you not think the fucking worst of someone for just a split fucking second? Not everyone is after cock.' — then immediately: 'She's definitely trying to fuck my dad.'

Fleabag:'Well, she ain't made of wood.' — Fleabag's response to Claire's admission about the Dad

Harry · Fleabag:Harry arrives at the funeral: 'Are you OK?' 'Mm-hmm. You? Do you need anything?' 'Uh, no, I'm good, thanks. I've just had a large glass of water.'

Mourner · Fleabag · Claire:Mourner approaches to 'comfort' with a lengthy speech about how grief will get worse: 'The hard bit's gonna come in a few weeks... people start to forget... your lovely boyfriends might not be able to cope.'

Fleabag:'I'm gonna check on the sausage rolls.' — Fleabag's exit from the mourner's comfort monologue

Dad · Fleabag · Claire:Godmother arrives and the Dad says 'I'll leave you two' — the girls are visibly reluctant to be left alone with her

Fleabag · Priest:'I don't know what to do with it. With all the love I have for her. I don't know where to put it now.' / 'I'll take it.' / 'No, I'm serious.' / 'I'll have it. You have to give it to me. OK. It's got to go somewhere.'

Priest · Fleabag:The Priest wakes up at night, startled: 'Oh, fuck. Fuck! Jesus! / Whoa, why are you awake? / It's 9:45. / Oh my God. I thought you were just in my head then. But I mean you were in my head then. But now you're there.'

Priest · Fleabag:The Priest asks: 'Are you a nostalgic person?' / Fleabag: 'Yeah.' / 'Do you like Winnie the Pooh?' / 'Yeah.' / 'I fucking love Winnie the Pooh. I can't read a Winnie the Pooh quote without crying. Fuck. Piglet.'

Fleabag:Fleabag begs: 'Please say you were praying for me. I could do with the extra pair of hands. Mine don't seem to have the fucking reach anymore.'

Priest · Fleabag:The Priest: 'God help me.' / Fleabag: 'Whoa! / Thank you.'

Priest · Fleabag:'Here's to peace.' / 'And those who get in the way of it.'

Fleabag · Priest:'And you make me tell you all my secrets so you can ultimately trap and control me?' / 'Yeah.' — Fleabag's characterisation of confession

Fleabag · Priest:Fleabag refuses to say 'Bless me Father for I have sinned': 'I'm not gonna say that.' / 'What? Very good.' / Then: 'I'm not Catholic.'

Fleabag · Priest:'Won't I catch fire or something?' / 'If you did, it would confirm my faith, so let's try it.'

Fleabag:Fleabag's confession list: 'I've stolen things. I've had a lot of sex outside of marriage. And once or twice inside someone else's. Uh, there's been a spot of sodomy. Then, much masturbation — a bit of violence, and of course the endless fucking blasphemy.'

Fleabag:'Uh, there's been a spot of sodomy. Then, much masturbation, a bit of violence, and of course the endless fucking blasphemy.'

Fleabag:'I want someone to tell me what to wear in the morning.' / '...I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning.'

Fleabag:'I want someone to tell me what to wear in the morning.' / '...I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning.'

Priest · Fleabag:'Kneel.' / 'What?' / 'Kneel.' / (long silence — Fleabag kneels)

Fleabag:'This is a skirt and trousers?' — Fleabag's reaction to her outfit during/after the church scene

Fleabag:Fleabag's rapid-fire internal commentary overlaid on her date: 'He's funny, he makes jokes. / She turned around and it was the golden one. / You sort of needed to hear the top bit.'

Fleabag · Hot Misogynist:Intercut commentary on the date: 'He's a feminist. — I have a sister.' / 'He's unpredictable. — I'm just gonna go for a shit.'

Fleabag · Hot Misogynist:'You wanna go and have sex? — That's better. / I'm really good at it. — He won't be.'

Fleabag:Cut to next morning: 'He's really good at it.'

Fleabag:'Oh, my God...' — Fleabag to camera, post-sex, clearly rattled.

Fleabag:'I'm not gonna be sick.' — Fleabag to camera, visually implying a hangover.

Stepmother · Fleabag:'I've got a serious appointment later. I can't miss it. It's very important. — What kind of appointment? — A serious one. Can't miss it, OK?'

Fleabag:Fleabag's camera look: 'Oh, this is gonna be spectacular.' — knowing beat before Stepmother's reaction to the Priest's departure.

Fleabag · Dad:'Well, that solves that problem. / Well, I'm relieved for him.'

Fleabag · Priest:The Priest is suddenly in the hall of her father's house — 'Oh, my God! / Sorry, sorry, sorry. / Jesus! How long were you there? — Literally, three seconds.'

Fleabag · Priest:'You can't just cancel a wedding. — I don't have a choice. — But you have the dress.'

Leaving Customer · Fleabag:'It's a guinea pig. — It's a hamster. — Thanks.'

Fleabag · Leaving Customer:Phone call: 'I can look after the place if you like. — Really? — Well, I don't start till Monday. — Wait, why...? — I just like it.'

Fleabag:'Oh, sorry, it's my sister. She's a bit mental.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire's haircut reveal: 'I look like a pencil. — You... you don't look like... — Don't laugh!'

Fleabag · Claire:'Have you been drinking? — He gave me champagne before he ruined my life. — That's how they get you.'

Fleabag · Claire:'Did you go to Anthony? — Claire. — I know.'

Fleabag · Anthony · Claire:Confronting Anthony: 'No! That is exactly what she asked for. — No, it's not. We want compensation. — Hair isn't everything. — Wow. / What? / Hair is everything.'

Fleabag:'Hair is everything. We wish it wasn't so we could actually think about something else occasionally but it is. It's the difference between a good day and a bad day...'

Fleabag · Claire:'You got any cigarettes? — No. — Good.'

Claire · Fleabag:'What does he do? — He's a priest.' — beat — Claire's silent reaction.

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag volunteers to take the bassoon: 'No biggie.' — Claire gives it up instantly.

Leaving Customer · Fleabag:Leaving Customer has named the hamster 'Stephanie': 'Could you give Hilary and, um... / No, don't bring Hilary. — Stephanie. / ...Stephanie, some cucumber at 2:30? / Who's Stephanie?'

Fleabag:'He took the pinny.' — Fleabag, alone, watching him leave.

Fleabag · Dad:'He's gonna make a bassoon joke. — Is that a bassoon in your hand or are you just pleased to see me?'

Fleabag · Dad:'Would you say that to your son?' / 'When he has his bassoon, sure.' / 'But... / He's never pleased to see me, so... / It doesn't even make sense.'

Fleabag · Dad:Bassoon joke extended: '...if I was walking towards you with an amputated dick in my hand you'd think I was horny? — Well, I'd assume that you had been. / Certainly wouldn't put it past you to chop a dick off.'

Fleabag:'Oh, that's fucking adorable.' — Fleabag's reaction to Martin with the hamster.

Martin · Fleabag:'Cute tables. — Oh, Jesus, Martin. — Fuck off!'

Martin · Fleabag:'Is she leaving me? — I hope so. — Don't let her leave me.'

Fleabag:'I hope she doesn't come home tonight.'

Fleabag:'Ah! Cashmere, cashmere, cashmere...' — Fleabag interrupted mid-thought by something on the cashmere.

Fleabag · Martin:'I will take you down, fucker.' — Fleabag to Martin, then the mutual escalating 'Fuck you!'s.

Fleabag:'I will take you down, fucker.' — Fleabag, immediately after the cashmere moment.

Fleabag · Martin:'You better start sleeping with a lawyer! — I'm already sleeping with a lawyer! — Yeah? Lucky lawyer!'

Fleabag:'Shit.' — Fleabag, alone after Martin leaves.

Fleabag:'Shit.' — Fleabag's immediate reaction after the confrontation, implying she's broken/spilled something or realizes she's made a mess.

Fleabag:Fleabag's monologue: 'You know that feeling when the Hot Misogynist who might not be a misogynist is turning up at your house for the second time in 48 hours to give you nine orgasms you don't want...'

Fleabag:'...cover yourself in coconut oil and hope he hasn't noticed that you haven't shaved your...' — then the doorbell.

Fleabag:Fleabag's internal monologue: 'You know that feeling when the Hot Misogynist who might not be a misogynist is turning up at your house for the second time in 48 hours to give you nine orgasms you don't want...'

Fleabag · Priest:'Water? — No, thanks. I wanna keep a clear head.'

Priest · Fleabag:'You gonna take off your coat? — Oh, no, no, I'm good. I'm a bit chilly.'

Fleabag · Priest · Hot Misogynist:'Do you want to get that? — Oh, no. I don't like opening the door to people I don't know. — I'm back!'

Fleabag:'my priest is here, and he really needs some guidance.'

Fleabag:'No, I'm hoping he's having an emotional crisis.'

Hot Misogynist · Fleabag:Hot Misogynist's repeat confidence: 'I'm really good at it. — Yes, I know you are. — I'm really good at it. — Yeah, I know you are. — I'm really... — OK, you're really good at it. — Well, clearly I'm not, if you don't want it.'

Fleabag · Hot Misogynist:'You're the best sex I've ever had. — What? — You're the best sex I've ever had. — Really? — Honestly, you... you made me come nine times.'

Fleabag:'Nine times. / You're a saint.'

Priest · Fleabag:'Nine times? — I just had to get rid of him. — Sure.'

Priest · Fleabag:'I can't be physical with you. — What, we can't even wrestle?'

The Priest · Fleabag:'I can't be physical with you.' / 'What, we can't even wrestle?'

Fleabag:'No, priests have sex, you know. A lot of them actually do. They don't burst into flames, I Googled it.'

Fleabag · Priest:'We're gonna have sex. — I'm supposed to love one thing. — Oh, my God, we're gonna have sex. — For fuck's sake! Stop that!'

Fleabag · Priest:'We're gonna have sex, aren't we? — (long beat) — Yeah.'

Fleabag · Priest:Long silence followed by 'I just can't believe you did that' — the entire opening scene is Fleabag and the Priest post-coitus, with the camera/audience inference that something enormous has just happened between them, and the show withholds it as comedic tension

Claire · Fleabag:Claire on Klare: 'Well, he's crazy about me so that's a nightmare.' / 'Nightmare.' (Fleabag echoing dryly)

Fleabag · Claire:'It's gonna be a lovely day, isn't it?' / 'I'm afraid so.'

Godmother · Fleabag:'I just wondered if you had a little show planned... Well, you normally do.'

Godmother · Fleabag:'D'you know, I often thought it strange that of all my pieces you chose to take her. Why? — She was based on your mother. So nice to have her back in the house.'

Fleabag · Priest:'I thought you were a fox.' / 'No.' / 'Are you...?'

Priest · Fleabag:'You look lovely.' / 'Thank you. So do you.' / 'Wait till you see me in the full... shebang. You're gonna lose your fucking mind.'

Priest · Fleabag:'We just need to get through this bit, and then we can...' [pause] 'We can...' / 'Yeah.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag and another character notice lipstick smeared somewhere visible — 'You have lipstick all...' / 'Oh, fucking hell. That would not look good.'

Fleabag · Priest:'I don't know what this feeling is. Is it God, or is it me?' / 'I don't know.'

Fleabag:'Fuck you, then.'

Fleabag · Claire:'Oh, way to upstage the bride!' / 'Tried my best.'

Fleabag · Priest:'This is our very chic priest.' / 'Oh, good, I was aiming for chic.'

Fleabag:Fleabag's reaction beat — 'Everyone will understand?' — she clearly cannot believe her father said that.

Fleabag:'Do you wanna make a run for it? I can smuggle you out in one of Mum's dresses.'

Dad · Fleabag:'I love you, but I'm not sure that I like you all the time.' / 'Hey, you created this monster.' / 'You're not the way you are because of me.'

Fleabag · Dad:'We are proud of you, Dad. You have two daughters who love you, even if you don't like them.' / 'I like Claire.'

Dad · Fleabag:'Oh, the, uh, priest is looking for you.' / 'Oh.' / 'Don't break his heart.'

Fleabag · Priest:'Oh, are you leaving?' / 'I was changing.' / 'What do you do? Do you get the... get the bus, or...?' / 'Yeah, I get the bus. On the road? — Just on the road. I get on the bus.'

Fleabag:'Bye, Father.' / [pause] / '"Bye, Father."' [said again quietly to herself]

Fleabag:'You nailed it.'

Fleabag · Bus stop companion (inferred):'It's God, isn't it?' / 'Yeah.' / 'Damn.'

Fleabag · Priest:'You know, the worst thing is... that I fucking love you.'

Fleabag:'This bus is not magically coming.' / 'I think I'll walk.'

Fleabag:'He went that way.' — Fleabag pointing to indicate the Priest's direction to the audience/camera in the final fourth-wall break