Episode 5

Fleabag:Fleabag's rapid-fire internal commentary overlaid on her date: 'He's funny, he makes jokes. / She turned around and it was the golden one. / You sort of needed to hear the top bit.'

Fleabag · Hot Misogynist:Intercut commentary on the date: 'He's a feminist. — I have a sister.' / 'He's unpredictable. — I'm just gonna go for a shit.'

Fleabag · Hot Misogynist:'You wanna go and have sex? — That's better. / I'm really good at it. — He won't be.'

Fleabag:Cut to next morning: 'He's really good at it.'

Fleabag:'Oh, my God...' — Fleabag to camera, post-sex, clearly rattled.

Fleabag:'I'm not gonna be sick.' — Fleabag to camera, visually implying a hangover.

Stepmother · Fleabag:'I've got a serious appointment later. I can't miss it. It's very important. — What kind of appointment? — A serious one. Can't miss it, OK?'

Stepmother:'Unless you can find a way to stop this horrendous wedding from happening.'

Stepmother · Priest:'What's he ill with? — A lorry.'

Fleabag:Fleabag's camera look: 'Oh, this is gonna be spectacular.' — knowing beat before Stepmother's reaction to the Priest's departure.

Stepmother:Stepmother erupts: 'What a cunt! / Bastard! Fucking ba...! / I need to paint! I need to paint now! Send them away!'

Fleabag · Dad:'Well, that solves that problem. / Well, I'm relieved for him.'

Fleabag · Priest:The Priest is suddenly in the hall of her father's house — 'Oh, my God! / Sorry, sorry, sorry. / Jesus! How long were you there? — Literally, three seconds.'

Fleabag · Priest:'You can't just cancel a wedding. — I don't have a choice. — But you have the dress.'

Priest:'Please don't come to the church again. / I mean that... with the greatest of compliments.'

Leaving Customer · Fleabag:'It's a guinea pig. — It's a hamster. — Thanks.'

Fleabag · Leaving Customer:Phone call: 'I can look after the place if you like. — Really? — Well, I don't start till Monday. — Wait, why...? — I just like it.'

Fleabag:'Oh, sorry, it's my sister. She's a bit mental.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire's haircut reveal: 'I look like a pencil. — You... you don't look like... — Don't laugh!'

Fleabag · Claire:'Have you been drinking? — He gave me champagne before he ruined my life. — That's how they get you.'

Fleabag · Claire:'Did you go to Anthony? — Claire. — I know.'

Fleabag · Anthony · Claire:Confronting Anthony: 'No! That is exactly what she asked for. — No, it's not. We want compensation. — Hair isn't everything. — Wow. / What? / Hair is everything.'

Fleabag:'Hair is everything. We wish it wasn't so we could actually think about something else occasionally but it is. It's the difference between a good day and a bad day...'

Anthony:'Claudia, bring me the bin.' — Anthony's response to the speech.

Anthony:'If you want to change your life, change your life. It's not gonna happen in here.'

Fleabag · Claire:'You got any cigarettes? — No. — Good.'

Claire:'I didn't want my husband's baby. Isn't that awful?'

Claire · Fleabag:'What does he do? — He's a priest.' — beat — Claire's silent reaction.

Claire:'You're a genius. You're my fucking hero.' — Claire, to Fleabag, about falling for a priest.

Klare · Claire:Klare's arrival and her reaction to Claire's hair: 'Claire, I love your hair! It's so cute and edgy and cool. Like superstar. Pop star.'

Klare:'These penguins are taking me to this new, amazing London music thing.'

Claire:'Oh, I have to take my step-son his bassoon. / I mean, I wish I could.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag volunteers to take the bassoon: 'No biggie.' — Claire gives it up instantly.

Klare · Claire:Klare's compliments on Claire's hair turn her around completely: 'Goes so well with your top. — Oh, thank God. That's so sweet of you. / Honestly, I've had such a day with it.'

Leaving Customer · Fleabag:Leaving Customer has named the hamster 'Stephanie': 'Could you give Hilary and, um... / No, don't bring Hilary. — Stephanie. / ...Stephanie, some cucumber at 2:30? / Who's Stephanie?'

Leaving Customer:'My wife would love Chatty Wednesdays. Love them.' — the leaving customer.

Fleabag:'He took the pinny.' — Fleabag, alone, watching him leave.

Fleabag · Dad:'He's gonna make a bassoon joke. — Is that a bassoon in your hand or are you just pleased to see me?'

Fleabag · Dad:'Would you say that to your son?' / 'When he has his bassoon, sure.' / 'But... / He's never pleased to see me, so... / It doesn't even make sense.'

Fleabag · Dad:Bassoon joke extended: '...if I was walking towards you with an amputated dick in my hand you'd think I was horny? — Well, I'd assume that you had been. / Certainly wouldn't put it past you to chop a dick off.'

Martin:'I would never hurt the guinea pig.' — Martin, alone with the hamster, clearly addressing the camera.

Fleabag:'Oh, that's fucking adorable.' — Fleabag's reaction to Martin with the hamster.

Martin · Fleabag:'Cute tables. — Oh, Jesus, Martin. — Fuck off!'

Martin:'You are the problem, you know that? You are the problem in my perfect, awful life.'

Martin:'I can't even get the woman pregnant, and then you come in showing off about your miscarriage.'

Martin · Fleabag:'Is she leaving me? — I hope so. — Don't let her leave me.'

Fleabag:'I hope she doesn't come home tonight.'

Fleabag:'Ah! Cashmere, cashmere, cashmere...' — Fleabag interrupted mid-thought by something on the cashmere.

Fleabag · Martin:'I will take you down, fucker.' — Fleabag to Martin, then the mutual escalating 'Fuck you!'s.

Fleabag:'I will take you down, fucker.' — Fleabag, immediately after the cashmere moment.

Fleabag · Martin:'You better start sleeping with a lawyer! — I'm already sleeping with a lawyer! — Yeah? Lucky lawyer!'

Fleabag:'Shit.' — Fleabag, alone after Martin leaves.

Fleabag:'Shit.' — Fleabag's immediate reaction after the confrontation, implying she's broken/spilled something or realizes she's made a mess.

Fleabag:Fleabag's monologue: 'You know that feeling when the Hot Misogynist who might not be a misogynist is turning up at your house for the second time in 48 hours to give you nine orgasms you don't want...'

Fleabag:'...cover yourself in coconut oil and hope he hasn't noticed that you haven't shaved your...' — then the doorbell.

Fleabag:Fleabag's internal monologue: 'You know that feeling when the Hot Misogynist who might not be a misogynist is turning up at your house for the second time in 48 hours to give you nine orgasms you don't want...'

Fleabag · Priest:'Water? — No, thanks. I wanna keep a clear head.'

Priest:'Uh, I've changed my mind about the wedding. I can't let them down like that. And apparently no one else will wear the outfit.'

Priest · Fleabag:'You gonna take off your coat? — Oh, no, no, I'm good. I'm a bit chilly.'

Fleabag · Priest · Hot Misogynist:'Do you want to get that? — Oh, no. I don't like opening the door to people I don't know. — I'm back!'

Fleabag:'my priest is here, and he really needs some guidance.'

Fleabag:'No, I'm hoping he's having an emotional crisis.'

Hot Misogynist · Fleabag:Hot Misogynist's repeat confidence: 'I'm really good at it. — Yes, I know you are. — I'm really good at it. — Yeah, I know you are. — I'm really... — OK, you're really good at it. — Well, clearly I'm not, if you don't want it.'

Fleabag · Hot Misogynist:'You're the best sex I've ever had. — What? — You're the best sex I've ever had. — Really? — Honestly, you... you made me come nine times.'

Fleabag:'Nine times. / You're a saint.'

Priest · Fleabag:'Nine times? — I just had to get rid of him. — Sure.'

Priest · Fleabag:'I can't be physical with you. — What, we can't even wrestle?'

The Priest · Fleabag:'I can't be physical with you.' / 'What, we can't even wrestle?'

Fleabag:'No, priests have sex, you know. A lot of them actually do. They don't burst into flames, I Googled it.'

Priest:'I can't have sex with you because I'll fall in love with you. And if I fall in love with you, I won't burst into flames, but... my life will be fucked.'

Fleabag · Priest:'We're gonna have sex. — I'm supposed to love one thing. — Oh, my God, we're gonna have sex. — For fuck's sake! Stop that!'

Priest:'I don't think you want to be told what to do at all. I think you know exactly what you want to do. If you really wanted to be told what to do, you'd be wearing one of these.'

Fleabag · Priest:'We're gonna have sex, aren't we? — (long beat) — Yeah.'