Martin

Martin · Claire:Oh, well, it must be my lucky day. / You said she only likes to talk to people she fancies.

Martin:Please don't do that again. [pause] I wasn't, by the way.

Martin · Fleabag:Martin is drunk at a shop, demands Fleabag 'Smack me in the face. Really hard.' Fleabag obliges. Martin: 'Fuck. I think you gave me a semi.'

Fleabag · Martin:Fleabag: 'Honestly, you could tell him you're going to pop to the loo and he'd say...' Martin: 'Yes, you pop to the loo, pull down your knickers, and then I will come in and fuck you.'

Martin:In a pet shop: 'Does anyone ever come here? I mean, it is creepy as fuck.'

Martin:Martin trying to buy Claire a present: 'I bought her a necklace with her name on it, that she found and told me not to buy.' ... 'I bought her a book that she already has.' ... 'She says not to buy any clothes because she probably won't wear them.' ... 'She scares me!'

Fleabag · Martin:Fleabag and Martin negotiating a consulting fee: 'Pay me and I'll help you.' 'Fuck off.' 'How much?' '£60.' '70.' 'Done.' 'Yeah!'

Fleabag · Martin:In what appears to be a boutique: Fleabag points at people as possible gift archetypes — 'I don't know who she is... No... What about...? No!'

Fleabag · Martin:'Get her something she'd never get herself. Surprise her.' / 'She'll think I've gone nuts.' / 'No, she'll think you see her as this person, and everyone wants to be this person.'

Fleabag · Martin:Fleabag: 'Get her something she'd never get herself. Surprise her.' Martin: 'She'll think I've gone nuts.' Fleabag: 'No, she'll think you see her as this person, and everyone wants to be this person.'

Fleabag · Martin:LAUGHTER — apparently they've found something funny in the shop (likely drug-related or just giddy) — the scene break implies they've become intoxicated and giggly

Martin:Martin's relationship advice: 'Just fuck her, please, for the love of a good woman. Just wrap your willy up in a bow and just screw her, she's going insane.'

Martin · Party Guests · Fleabag:Martin reveals his present: a sculpture/statue of Claire's body. 'It is a shrine to your body... because I love your body.' The guests' reactions of 'This is really quite something' and the attempt to hide it.

Martin:Martin approaches Fleabag: 'How much do you want for it?' 'Finger up the ass, nipple tickle...?'

Claire · Martin · Fleabag:Claire arrives at the sexhibition with Martin — Fleabag had assumed she was leaving him.

Fleabag · Claire · Martin:Your husband tried to kiss me on your birthday... He says it was more like the other way around.

Martin:Must be hard on the balls.

Martin · Claire · Godmother:What? No, she's a lawyer. I thought you were a lawyer? No. What? I work with lawyers, I'm not a lawyer.

Martin · Fleabag · Dad:What's that in your hand? It's a voucher. For a counselling session. Thanks, Dad.

Martin:It's like a goldfish out the bowl, sort of thing. If it didn't wanna be in there, it didn't wanna be in there, something wasn't right.

Martin:Either way... she got her spotlight.

Martin · Fleabag:Martin: 'At least my son is in the Youthy Band. What's your excuse?' / Fleabag: 'I'm helping the priest.' / Martin: 'Wow, you do love a challenge, don't you?'

Martin:Martin's aggressive behavior toward a person giving an innocent hug: 'You could go down for that sort of behaviour these days... you got to do better than that these days, boy.'

Martin:'I would never hurt the guinea pig.' — Martin, alone with the hamster, clearly addressing the camera.

Martin · Fleabag:'Cute tables. — Oh, Jesus, Martin. — Fuck off!'

Martin:'You are the problem, you know that? You are the problem in my perfect, awful life.'

Martin:'I can't even get the woman pregnant, and then you come in showing off about your miscarriage.'

Martin · Fleabag:'Is she leaving me? — I hope so. — Don't let her leave me.'

Fleabag · Martin:'I will take you down, fucker.' — Fleabag to Martin, then the mutual escalating 'Fuck you!'s.

Fleabag · Martin:'You better start sleeping with a lawyer! — I'm already sleeping with a lawyer! — Yeah? Lucky lawyer!'

Priest · Martin:Priest introduces himself to Martin: 'Bit nervous, Martin' — completely honest, completely wrong-footing

Martin:Martin's speech about his virtues: 'I pick up Jake from shit. I make dessert for Easter. I organise the downstairs toilet. I fired the humming cleaner. I hoover the car. I put up all your certificates and I don't make you feel guilty for not having sex with me.'

Claire · Martin:'You are an alcoholic, and you tried it on with my sister.' / 'Fine. I tried to kiss your sister on her birthday.' / 'My birthday!'

Martin:'I am not a bad guy! I just have a bad personality. It's not my fault. Some people are born with fucked personalities.'

Martin:Martin lists his domestic contributions: 'I pick up Jake from shit. I make dessert for Easter. I organise the downstairs toilet. I fired the humming cleaner.'

Martin:'Look at Jake. He is so creepy. It's not his fault.'

Martin · Claire:'Why the bassoon?' / 'You want to know what the bassoon is? It's a cry for help!'

Martin:'The main fucking problem here is that you don't like me.'

Martin:'I love you. I make you laugh. I'm a douche, but I make you laugh. You said that that was the most important thing!'

Martin:'I didn't think you'd do that in that dress.'