Episode 3

Fleabag:Fleabag looks at a jogger, says 'I should get on it.' Cut to [00:23]: 'Jogging.' — the punchline is delayed by 22 seconds of silence/walking

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag tells Claire she did a fart that 'was exactly like Mum's' — 'A door opening, or suspicious dark?' 'Door opening.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag: 'My farts used to be like, "Pah!" Now they're just sort of fighting their way out.' Claire: 'I haven't farted in about three years.'

Claire · Fleabag:Birthday cake presented; Claire says 'She won't eat it.' Fleabag says 'Thanks.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire's elaborate instructions for the party: '7pm arrival for a 7.30 surprise,' 'just wear trousers,' 'don't drink too much,' 'it's basically a business meeting.' Fleabag: 'Sounds like a blast.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag asks 'Can I bring a date?' Claire asks 'Harry?' Fleabag says 'No.' Claire: 'Who?' Fleabag: 'Oh, I don't know yet.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag says 'It's really inappropriate to jog around a graveyard.' Claire: 'Why?' Fleabag: 'Flaunting your life.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag: 'God, I can't wait to be old.' Claire: 'If it's any consolation, you look older than you are.'

Fleabag:Claire takes a phone call mid-conversation; Fleabag turns to camera to give the exposition about their dead mother — but the information 'it was particularly hard, cos she had amazing boobs' undercuts the grief with comedy

Fleabag:Fleabag: 'She used to tell me I was lucky cos mine would never get in the way. My sister's got whoppers, but she got all of Mum's good bits.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag asks what Martin has 'given' Claire; Claire says 'A cursory stroke would be nice.' Fleabag: 'What? No bang-bang?'

Fleabag · Claire:Claire struggles to say 'penis' in the graveyard while Fleabag coaches her like a child: 'Come on, little one. Come on, please.' — Claire finally says it and Fleabag says 'Thank you.'

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag spots a sobbing man: 'Christ, look at that man. Tragic.' Claire: 'Nah, he's a con.' — 'You can't call someone who is grieving a con.'

Fleabag:Fleabag: 'No-one grieves like that unless they are in a film or from Italy.'

Fleabag:Fleabag: 'Trust me, he's at a different grave every day, he can't get enough of it.' — immediately followed by the man sobbing audibly

Fleabag · Grieving Man:The grieving man turns out to actually visit different graves — 'You come here every day?' — confirming Fleabag was right

Fleabag:Fleabag instructing on party behavior: 'Don't do a jumpy-outy surprise thing, and don't sing Happy Birthday, I couldn't bear it.'

Fleabag:Fleabag says to camera: 'I'm, erm... I'm actually looking forward to it.' — beat of surprise at her own admission

Fleabag:Fleabag calls Harry (her ex) to invite him to Claire's party, fumbling the message across multiple beats, ending with a pathetic '...birthday party. Anyway, give me a call, and I hope you're OK. Bye.'

Fleabag:'I can't go out with a dog.' — Fleabag apparently photographing herself with or walking a dog, seemingly as a dating profile ploy

Fleabag:CAMERA CLICKS — Fleabag is apparently taking photos for an ex who demanded vagina pictures from wherever she was, 10-11 times a day, including while temping

Fleabag:'Time to throw the net out.' — Fleabag addresses the camera, apparently at a bar or social venue, announcing she's going to find a date

Martin · Fleabag:Martin is drunk at a shop, demands Fleabag 'Smack me in the face. Really hard.' Fleabag obliges. Martin: 'Fuck. I think you gave me a semi.'

Fleabag:Fleabag's monologue about Martin being 'Fun Drunk Martin' — 'no-one wants to admit there's a problem because then they don't get to have crazy nights out with Fun Drunk Martin'

Fleabag:Fleabag's monologue: Martin is 'one of those men who is explosively sexually inappropriate with everyone, but makes you feel bad if you take offence because he was "just being fun"'

Fleabag · Martin:Fleabag: 'Honestly, you could tell him you're going to pop to the loo and he'd say...' Martin: 'Yes, you pop to the loo, pull down your knickers, and then I will come in and fuck you.'

Martin:In a pet shop: 'Does anyone ever come here? I mean, it is creepy as fuck.'

Fleabag · Pet Shop Owner:Pet shop owner: 'Why don't you get her a guinea pig? It was a surprise hit here.' Fleabag: 'What, you think she'd like a pig? Can I take this one?' Owner: 'No, not that one. Christ, woman, there's something wrong with that one, it's got death in its eyes.'

Fleabag · Pet Shop Owner:Pet shop owner: 'Vet says she's depressed.' Fleabag: 'Oh.' Beat. 'Aren't we all, girl?'

Pet Shop Owner · Fleabag:Pet shop owner: 'You know, guinea pigs can die of loneliness.' Fleabag: 'Can they?' — beat of resonance

Martin:Martin trying to buy Claire a present: 'I bought her a necklace with her name on it, that she found and told me not to buy.' ... 'I bought her a book that she already has.' ... 'She says not to buy any clothes because she probably won't wear them.' ... 'She scares me!'

Fleabag · Martin:Fleabag and Martin negotiating a consulting fee: 'Pay me and I'll help you.' 'Fuck off.' 'How much?' '£60.' '70.' 'Done.' 'Yeah!'

Fleabag · Martin:In what appears to be a boutique: Fleabag points at people as possible gift archetypes — 'I don't know who she is... No... What about...? No!'

Fleabag:'Chic means boring - don't tell the French.'

Fleabag:'Chic means boring — don't tell the French.'

Fleabag:'Stop checking, all right, nobody loves you. Help me here.'

Fleabag · Martin:'Get her something she'd never get herself. Surprise her.' / 'She'll think I've gone nuts.' / 'No, she'll think you see her as this person, and everyone wants to be this person.'

Fleabag · Martin:Fleabag: 'Get her something she'd never get herself. Surprise her.' Martin: 'She'll think I've gone nuts.' Fleabag: 'No, she'll think you see her as this person, and everyone wants to be this person.'

Fleabag · Martin:LAUGHTER — apparently they've found something funny in the shop (likely drug-related or just giddy) — the scene break implies they've become intoxicated and giggly

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag: 'I'm going to hold his face in my head so you can see him.' — then a beat — 'I'm not getting anything.'

Fleabag · Claire:'I'm not getting anything.' 'Make your face his face.' 'Yeah, OK.' — and then the face actually works

Claire · Fleabag:'Is he mixed race? I'm getting mixed race.' Fleabag: 'Yes!'

Fleabag · Claire · Neighbour:DOOR CLOSES. The actual neighbour appears — Fleabag and Claire have apparently been staring at him telepathically, and immediately have to deal with him in person.

Fleabag:Fleabag: 'Jesus. I'm really sorry, we're really high. We just really wanted to know what you look like.'

Claire:Claire (offscreen or deadpan): 'She thinks you're lovely.'

Fleabag:Fleabag (apparently high, looking at her feet): 'Oh, my God, look at my elegant feet.'

Fleabag:Fleabag sees someone and repeatedly shouts 'Hey. Hey! Hey. Hey. Hello! Hey. HEY!' escalating without response

Tube Coat Man · Fleabag:Man from the tube: 'Coming from you?' — he's telling Fleabag 'Easy, tiger' after she apparently almost ran into him, when HE is the one who got her coat caught outside the Tube

Martin:Martin's relationship advice: 'Just fuck her, please, for the love of a good woman. Just wrap your willy up in a bow and just screw her, she's going insane.'

Jake:Date (Jake) explaining his lateness: 'I'd like to say I was trying to save a puppy, or something, but I just got my coat caught on someone else's coat outside the Tube. When we went to separate ourselves, it was fucking intense — I had to give him my coat.'

Fleabag:In a sex shop: Fleabag asks 'What are you craving?' and Fleabag says 'Oh, just a really, really cheap thrill.'

Fleabag · Sex Shop Employee:In the sex shop: 'Hey, what are you craving?' / 'Oh, just a really, really cheap thrill.'

Fleabag:Fleabag clarifying the vibrator is 'for her sister. It's for my very sexually frustrated sister.'

Shop Assistant · Jake:VIBRATOR BUZZES in the shop; the shop assistant says 'Oh. Oh, I think you just... do it at the bottom.' Then: 'It's all in the twist.'

Fleabag · Jake:'You should totally get one of those.' 'A vagina?' 'Yeah.' 'Oh, I've already got one.' 'Really? You have...No...You've got one?' 'I take it with me everywhere.'

Shop Assistant:Shop assistant: 'OK, so this one's really great. It's half price because it's quite relentless. It's called the Burrower. Basically it doesn't stop until you've cum.'

Jake · Fleabag:Jake in the car: 'Oh, my God, I love surprise parties. I love them, I love them, I love them.' Beat. 'Will your parents be there?' 'My dad might be...' 'Oh, intense.' 'Parents adore me.' 'I want you to be totally in love with me by the end of the night. OK?'

Godmother · Claire:At the party: Godmother says about a man: 'What a lovely husband you have.' Claire: 'Where is he then?' Martin is absent. The beat.

Jake:Jake to a party guest: 'Thank you for asking, yeah, I'm essentially a documentary maker. Docs.' RAUCOUS LAUGH from the guest.

Jake · Party Guest:Jake: 'I met her on a bus. So easy to pick up girls these days. I was like, "Hi", and she was like, "Take my number."' Another guest immediately leaves to try other wine.

Party Guests:Two separate guests both pretend to be going for more wine to escape the date's conversation: 'I'm just going to see if there are any other wines to try.' / 'It's lovely, I'm just going to see if there are some others.'

Party Guest · Fleabag:Party guest to Fleabag: 'Oh, I was so sorry to hear about Harry. Lovely Harry. Love Harry. Exciting news about his new job. Very exciting.' Fleabag: 'Yes, very exciting.' Guest: 'I was so pleased that you'd found someone else so fast.'

Party Guest:'I just can't stop conjuring an image of you sitting around that cafe, just all alone, feeling so terribly lonely. Just can't stop picturing it.'

Fleabag:Fleabag: 'I don't think you have to be alone to be lonely. Dad always taught me that.'

Godmother · Fleabag:The Godmother mentions a missing artwork piece to Fleabag; Fleabag says 'That's awful, I'm so sorry.' Godmother: 'So sweet of you. Very sweet.' — with obvious sarcasm

Party Guest:'You are the most perfect-looking pair.' — said about Fleabag and the date, pointedly in front of the Godmother/party

Jake · Fleabag:GLASS SMASHES. Jake: 'Sorry, nothing happened. I was trying to be sexy.' Fleabag: 'It was, it was really sexy.' Jake: 'Was it?'

Fleabag · Claire · Unknown Man:'Claire, this is my friend...' 'Yes, yes, we've already met.' 'My wife.' — the man they've apparently been meeting is Martin's friend, who is also married to someone at the party

Martin · Party Guests · Fleabag:Martin reveals his present: a sculpture/statue of Claire's body. 'It is a shrine to your body... because I love your body.' The guests' reactions of 'This is really quite something' and the attempt to hide it.

Fleabag · Godmother:Fleabag to the Godmother: 'Smooth. I told you I'd find you a buyer.'

Godmother:Godmother: 'You'd fuck anything, wouldn't you?'

Martin:Martin approaches Fleabag: 'How much do you want for it?' 'Finger up the ass, nipple tickle...?'

Fleabag:Fleabag to Martin: 'She's going to leave you one day. You looking forward to that?'

Tube Coat Man · Fleabag:A man approaches Fleabag: 'I think you took my coat.' She resists. He insists. It's the Tube man from earlier.

Fleabag · Claire:Fleabag gives Claire the Burrower: 'It's called a Burrower — it basically won't stop until you cum.' Claire: 'Sounds horrendous. Thank you.'

Claire:Claire's birthday business verdict: 'Huge. You know, I don't want to jinx anything, but huge. Could be life-changing.'

Claire · Fleabag:Claire asks 'Are you OK?' Fleabag: 'Yeah.' Claire: 'Tell the truth.'

Jake · Fleabag:Post-sex: Jake says 'Surprisingly bony.' Fleabag: 'I'm nearly finished. I'm nearly finished.' Jake: 'It's like having sex with a protractor.'

Jake · Fleabag:Post-sex: both keep saying 'That was amazing. Yeah. That was amazing. Yeah.' escalating in decreasing conviction, repeated four times across 10 seconds.

Jake · Fleabag:Jake: 'For fuck's sake.' Fleabag: 'What?' Jake: 'OK, you don't go through life with teeth like these and not know when someone's pretending.'

Jake · Fleabag:Jake: 'What the fuck is that?! I'll kick it.' Fleabag: 'No, no.' Jake: 'I'll kick it.'

Guinea Pig:GUINEA PIG SQUEAKS — final sound of the episode, after the 'that is a rat' exchange