Godmother

Godmother · Fleabag:The Godmother's sculpture explanation — 'She's actually an expression of how women are subtle warriors' — and Fleabag's 'Tits.'

Fleabag · Godmother:'How much? Thousands. Oh. Can I have it? No.'

Godmother:Godmother reveals the second sculpture: 'Oh, er...my self-portrait.'

Godmother:'Please look after yourself. You really do look ghastly, darling.'

Godmother · Claire:At the party: Godmother says about a man: 'What a lovely husband you have.' Claire: 'Where is he then?' Martin is absent. The beat.

Godmother · Fleabag:The Godmother mentions a missing artwork piece to Fleabag; Fleabag says 'That's awful, I'm so sorry.' Godmother: 'So sweet of you. Very sweet.' — with obvious sarcasm

Fleabag · Godmother:Fleabag to the Godmother: 'Smooth. I told you I'd find you a buyer.'

Godmother:Godmother: 'You'd fuck anything, wouldn't you?'

Fleabag · Claire · Godmother:Tell Dad about your promotion, Claire. / There's nothing to tell. / Finland. / Oh! / Odd place.

Boyfriend · Fleabag · Godmother:The artwork in this house is...stunning. / Who is it? / If I tell you, will you promise to come to my sexhibition?

Godmother:Well, if you rid a woman of her head and limbs, you can't expect her to do anything other than...roll around.

Unknown guest · Godmother:Is that fur? Yes, but it's OK because it had a stroke.

Fleabag · Godmother:Dream team. [Fleabag and Godmother both ordering identical sparkling water with lime]

Godmother · Claire:Oh, Claire! We thought you couldn't have them. What, why? Well, you just seem a little...

Godmother:Something's up. And now you have the money to pay for proper help. Ghastly without help, I imagine.

Godmother · Dad:It caused quite a cultural wave. Ripple. Rip... w-wave. Wave.

Godmother · Priest:Are your parents successful? They were very successful alcoholics, yeah.

Godmother · Priest:D'you know, I've always been so suspicious of religion but I must say I think there's something rather chic about having a real priest at a wedding. Are you a real priest? Yeah.

Godmother · Dad:He plays the flute. The bassoon.

Godmother:We don't want gifts at the wedding... So we've decided to ask people to make a small donation to a charity of their choosing, in our name.

Godmother:Do you want to know what gift I'm giving your father? A portrait. Of you girls. I'd only need a couple of sittings.

Godmother:No, because the lighting's never good enough and if you're not very photogenic then it does you no favours.

Godmother:...and the only photos there are of you two together are of when you were children and you looked like a boy.

Godmother · Priest:No, it's not that. Is he not in the Church? No, he's not in the Church. Oh, it must be so hard! Well, it's mainly hard... Is it cos he's Mummy's favourite? Because he's a paedophile.

Martin · Claire · Godmother:What? No, she's a lawyer. I thought you were a lawyer? No. What? I work with lawyers, I'm not a lawyer.

Godmother:'But the sixth one did, and rather regretted it.'

Godmother:Godmother introduces her friends: 'This is my very interesting friend Daniel, who is deaf... And this is my extraordinary friend Francine. She's a lesbian. And this is Asif, my bisexual Syrian refugee friend...'

Godmother:'Oh, my God. This is... This is... God, how extraordinary. I just... I always call you "darling." This is the love of my life.'

Godmother:'I'm going to open it over a bin so I've got somewhere to put the paper.'

Godmother · Fleabag:'I just wondered if you had a little show planned... Well, you normally do.'

Godmother · Fleabag:'D'you know, I often thought it strange that of all my pieces you chose to take her. Why? — She was based on your mother. So nice to have her back in the house.'

Godmother:'And this is my unstable step-daughter who's had a miscarriage.'

Godmother:'Sorry, but whoever had a miscarriage could you take it to the kitchen, please?'

Godmother:'Oh, fuck it.' (Godmother kisses Fleabag at the wedding)