Priest

Priest:May these be the worst of our days.

Unknown guest · Priest:I can't go to hell for that, can I, Father? No. Not as long as you confess. Then you've nothing to fucking worry about!

Priest · Fleabag:So, do your family get together much, or...? Fuck you, then.

Fleabag/Guest · Priest:Did you always want to join the priesthood? Oh, fuck, no.

Priest:I came quite late to it, actually, but it's been a really good life to me. I've really found peace in it.

Godmother · Priest:Are your parents successful? They were very successful alcoholics, yeah.

Priest:Not as hard on them as trying to make a baby for five months, I imagine.

Godmother · Priest:D'you know, I've always been so suspicious of religion but I must say I think there's something rather chic about having a real priest at a wedding. Are you a real priest? Yeah.

Priest:I'm new to the parish and I guess I'm just... I'm really fucking lonely! So... So I appreciate this. Thank you very much.

Fleabag/Guest · Priest:What did he die of? Just, um, time.

Priest:Father Patrick sadly died, so I got the gig.

Fleabag · Priest:Sounds like a riot. He was, actually.

Priest · Claire:You never told me you had a sister, Claire. Oh, well, we, um... We don't get to see each other much.

Godmother · Priest:No, it's not that. Is he not in the Church? No, he's not in the Church. Oh, it must be so hard! Well, it's mainly hard... Is it cos he's Mummy's favourite? Because he's a paedophile.

Priest:I'm aware of the irony of that.

Priest:I am so intrigued to see how you're going to make this whole evening about yourself.

Priest · Fleabag:Oh, no. We probably shouldn't arrive at the table together.

Priest:I don't believe you can pay your problems away. I think you have to face who you are and suffer the consequences. It's the only road to happiness. Maybe happiness isn't in what you believe but who you believe.

Priest:Fuck. Excuse me.

Priest:Priest says 'And also with you' in response to a sung liturgical response — breaking the ritual exchange at the wrong moment

Priest:Priest ends his notices with 'That's all, folks' — a Looney Tunes sign-off during a solemn mass

Priest · Fleabag:'I thought you'd be in prison by now.' / 'Oh, well, I keep trying, but they just won't have me.'

Fleabag · Priest:'I'm sorry about your eye.' / 'Oh, that's OK. Gives me some edge. I've told them some heroic bullshit.'

Fleabag · Priest:Fleabag trying to pay the Priest back in 'instalments' while he insists he has no pockets

Fleabag · Priest:'Oh, is that holy?' / 'A bit less than it was before.'

Priest:'He'll understand. He's an understanding sort.'

Priest:The Priest offers Fleabag cans of G&T from M&S in a church sacristy

Fleabag · Priest:'So, you're a cool priest, are you?' / 'No, I'm a big reader with no friends. Are you a cool person?' / 'Well, I don't believe in God.'

Priest · Fleabag:'Is the father alright?' / 'Well, he's... he doesn't really... exist.'

Priest:'Yeah, I gathered that by the smelling of the Bible.'

Priest:The Priest writes restaurant reviews for the parish magazine

Priest:'I'd spend 40 days and 40 nights in that dessert.'

Priest:'Oh, I don't know how to talk to babies.' (Priest, when introduced to Suzie's baby)

Priest · Pam:Priest announces 'The Youthy Band is about to play the ode to something!' with complete uncertainty about the title

Priest:Priest responds to the painting orgasm information with: 'Well, whatever gets you there.'

Pam · Priest:Pam: 'Father, we have a cupcake situation over here!' / Priest: 'OK, Pam! I will be there to cupcake!'

Priest:'Can I get that coconut back? They're actually on hire... I'm not sure if a lot of them are even real actually, which is morally a bit dubious. But we got to make money somehow.'

Priest:'You can come whenever you want. I'd like you to come. If it helps.'

Priest:Priest: 'I know that's what you think you want from me, but it's not.'

Priest · Fleabag:'I've been there many times... before I found this. Many, many times. / How many times?'

Fleabag · Priest:Fleabag accidentally says 'His beautiful neck' out loud instead of keeping it as an internal aside

Priest · Fleabag:'Why so many guinea pigs?' / 'I just thought it'd be a unique selling point.' / 'Which came first, the guinea pig or the guinea pig café?'

Priest · Fleabag:'What do guinea pigs do?' / 'Um, they are born, they shit themselves with fear, and then they die.'

Priest:The Priest says 'Can I use that at the wedding?' in response to the guinea pig/life description

Priest · Fleabag:The Priest notices Fleabag 'disappear' mid-conversation — catches her doing her fourth-wall-breaking dissociation in real time

Fleabag · Priest:'No, stop being so churchy.' / 'I'm not being churchy, I'm just trying to get to know you.' / 'Well, I don't want that.'

Fleabag · Priest:'I don't know what to do with it. With all the love I have for her. I don't know where to put it now.' / 'I'll take it.' / 'No, I'm serious.' / 'I'll have it. You have to give it to me. OK. It's got to go somewhere.'

Priest · Fleabag:The Priest wakes up at night, startled: 'Oh, fuck. Fuck! Jesus! / Whoa, why are you awake? / It's 9:45. / Oh my God. I thought you were just in my head then. But I mean you were in my head then. But now you're there.'

Priest:'Oh, fuck you calling me Father — like it doesn't turn you on just to say it.'

Priest · Fleabag:The Priest asks: 'Are you a nostalgic person?' / Fleabag: 'Yeah.' / 'Do you like Winnie the Pooh?' / 'Yeah.' / 'I fucking love Winnie the Pooh. I can't read a Winnie the Pooh quote without crying. Fuck. Piglet.'

Priest · Fleabag:The Priest: 'God help me.' / Fleabag: 'Whoa! / Thank you.'

Priest:The Priest tells the story of a man who wanted to be a saint so badly he castrated himself — 'just to stop himself... you know... whack!'

Priest · Fleabag:'Here's to peace.' / 'And those who get in the way of it.'

Priest:'Sometimes I worry I'm only in it for the outfits.'

Priest:'Sometimes I worry I'm only in it for the outfits.'

Priest:'I mean, your stuff is lovely, too.' — Priest to Fleabag, after admiring his vestments

Fleabag · Priest:'And you make me tell you all my secrets so you can ultimately trap and control me?' / 'Yeah.' — Fleabag's characterisation of confession

Fleabag · Priest:Fleabag refuses to say 'Bless me Father for I have sinned': 'I'm not gonna say that.' / 'What? Very good.' / Then: 'I'm not Catholic.'

Fleabag · Priest:'Won't I catch fire or something?' / 'If you did, it would confirm my faith, so let's try it.'

Priest · Fleabag:'Kneel.' / 'What?' / 'Kneel.' / (long silence — Fleabag kneels)

Stepmother · Priest:'What's he ill with? — A lorry.'

Fleabag · Priest:The Priest is suddenly in the hall of her father's house — 'Oh, my God! / Sorry, sorry, sorry. / Jesus! How long were you there? — Literally, three seconds.'

Fleabag · Priest:'You can't just cancel a wedding. — I don't have a choice. — But you have the dress.'

Priest:'Please don't come to the church again. / I mean that... with the greatest of compliments.'

Fleabag · Priest:'Water? — No, thanks. I wanna keep a clear head.'

Priest:'Uh, I've changed my mind about the wedding. I can't let them down like that. And apparently no one else will wear the outfit.'

Priest · Fleabag:'You gonna take off your coat? — Oh, no, no, I'm good. I'm a bit chilly.'

Fleabag · Priest · Hot Misogynist:'Do you want to get that? — Oh, no. I don't like opening the door to people I don't know. — I'm back!'

Priest · Fleabag:'Nine times? — I just had to get rid of him. — Sure.'

Priest · Fleabag:'I can't be physical with you. — What, we can't even wrestle?'

Priest:'I can't have sex with you because I'll fall in love with you. And if I fall in love with you, I won't burst into flames, but... my life will be fucked.'

Fleabag · Priest:'We're gonna have sex. — I'm supposed to love one thing. — Oh, my God, we're gonna have sex. — For fuck's sake! Stop that!'

Priest:'I don't think you want to be told what to do at all. I think you know exactly what you want to do. If you really wanted to be told what to do, you'd be wearing one of these.'

Fleabag · Priest:'We're gonna have sex, aren't we? — (long beat) — Yeah.'

Fleabag · Priest:Long silence followed by 'I just can't believe you did that' — the entire opening scene is Fleabag and the Priest post-coitus, with the camera/audience inference that something enormous has just happened between them, and the show withholds it as comedic tension

Fleabag · Priest:'I thought you were a fox.' / 'No.' / 'Are you...?'

Priest · Fleabag:'You look lovely.' / 'Thank you. So do you.' / 'Wait till you see me in the full... shebang. You're gonna lose your fucking mind.'

Priest · Fleabag:'We just need to get through this bit, and then we can...' [pause] 'We can...' / 'Yeah.'

Fleabag · Priest:'I don't know what this feeling is. Is it God, or is it me?' / 'I don't know.'

Fleabag · Priest:'This is our very chic priest.' / 'Oh, good, I was aiming for chic.'

Priest · Martin:Priest introduces himself to Martin: 'Bit nervous, Martin' — completely honest, completely wrong-footing

Priest:'Before we start, uh, Jake has asked to play another piece on his bassoon.'

Priest:'Thank you, Jake, for that beautiful bassoon piece uh, written specially for today. I believe it's called... "Where's Claire?"'

Priest:The Priest begins his homily: 'Love is awful. It's awful. It's painful. It's frightening... It makes you creepy! It makes you obsessed with your hair!'

Priest:Priest: 'So, it turns out it's quite hard to come up with something original to say about love but I've had a go.'

Priest:'Go out the side way. Now.'

Fleabag · Priest:'Oh, are you leaving?' / 'I was changing.' / 'What do you do? Do you get the... get the bus, or...?' / 'Yeah, I get the bus. On the road? — Just on the road. I get on the bus.'

Fleabag · Priest:'You know, the worst thing is... that I fucking love you.'

Priest:'No, no, don't. No, let's just leave that out there, just for a second on its own.'

Priest:'It'll pass.'

Priest:'Uh, see you Sunday? / I'm joking, you're never ever allowed in my church again.'

Priest:'I love you, too.'