Lost And Found

Lesley · Abbi:Were you watching me sleep? / No, I was watching you try to breathe.

Lesley:I think you have a badly deviated septum. But it's a damn cute deviated septum.

Lesley · Abbi:Suggestion to use a bobby pin 'like they do with the... yarmulkes?' leading to: 'Why do you know that word? / I'm Jewish.'

Lesley · Abbi:No. I'm... I'm 100% Jewish. / Well, you are funny.

Ilana's Mom:Yeah, no shit. Ever seen a mirror?

Ilana · Ilana's Mom:Rapid-fire genetic disease list: anxiety, poor eyesight, Tay-Sachs, cystic fibrosis, Fragile X syndrome — each met with 'check' or 'uh-huh.'

Ilana's Mom:I could've told you all of that without your selling your medical history to the government. / Google owns your DNA, you naive little bitch!

Ilana · Ilana's Mom:'Endophenotypes: The Genetic Inheritance of Mental Disorders' as a grad school essay title, met with 'Yikes!'

Ilana:I'm related... ♪ to a Holocaust survivor ♪ — sung operatically.

Abbi · Ilana:Maybe I should get my DNA tested. I could be related to a Holocaust survivor, too. / Who, a guard?

Abbi:Come on, Ilana. I don't mean a full-on Nazi. I mean like a Polish soldier who looked the other way.

Abbi · Ilana:I am Jewish. / Yeah, emphasis on the 'ish.'

Ilana:I watch your eyes when we walk, when we talk. You've never even looked at a hat.

Ilana · Abbi:Do you think you're gonna be a hat person for the rest of your life? / I don't know. / Are we talking about hats? / Yeah. We're talking about hats.

Ilana:We are here to visit my very dear, sweet, and close 16th cousin Saul Borowitz.

Ilana:Looks like I'm the magician even though you're the one wearing that hat.

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's 'magic trick' to open the door — Abbi: 'I think the door was just unlocked'

Saul · Ilana:Saul playing dead — Ilana screams 'No! No, no, no, no. No. Oh, God. I knew I shouldn't have stopped at Sephora before I came here!'

Saul:Gotcha! Works every time.

Saul:You know, you must be one of those Genes&Me kids. I can see the resemblance. / That's me as a horny teenager. See the hair?

Ilana:She's my everything. But, you know what, I'll just boil it down to soulmate.

Ilana:I experience anxiety diarrhea three to eight times daily.

Saul:Saul's response 'Ay, yi, yi, yi' to the anxiety diarrhea revelation.

Ilana:I'm gonna write 'possible connection.'

Ilana:Nazi shit, anything.

Abbi · Saul:I'm sorry, Saul. We can't. I mean, we're just following orders. / Well, I've heard that one before.

Saul · Ilana:Saul's response: 'Well, I've heard that one before.' — then beat, then Ilana immediately capitulates and says they're breaking him out

Ilana:Okay, we're getting you out of here right now! — Ilana's immediate overcorrection after the 'following orders' moment.

Ilana:Oh, uh... this guy had an accident. Shit was everywhere. We gotta get rid of the rug.

Saul:Smell that New York air. It's like garbage. I love it!

Saul:Saul at the shoe store, sees high tops, says 'I'll be right back' and wanders off mid-interview.

Ilana:Ilana's interview question mid-shoe shopping: 'Okay, Saul, now that I've got you in pleasure, interview question number one — what does post-traumatic stress disorder mean to you?'

Saul:Girls! I found it... a dope-ass pair.

Saul · Abbi · Ilana:What about Red Hook? / Red Hook is kind of hard to get to, right? / Well, we can always take the... / Shut up, Saul!

Ilana:Alan motherfucking Cumming.

Ilana:Alan Cumming created his own perfume line called 'Cumming.' Is that LOL genie or what? / I'm wearing it right now.

Ilana:Pre-9/11, pre-'Sex in the City,' Basquiat, Keith Haring New York.

Ilana:Ilana's description of what Alan Cumming represents: 'The pre-9/11, pre-Sex in the City, Basquiat, Keith Haring New York.'

Saul:The only Haring I'm interested in is pickled herring. And as soon as we can get to that, I am fine.

Ilana · Abbi:'Giddy-up, Saul! Come on! We got it, Saul. Shit, shit! Here we go. We're losing him. Okay. Alright.'

Ilana:'Drag brunch! Drag brunch! We must! We must!'

Drag Performer:Drag brunch song lyrics: '♪ Jiggly Caliente is the best / Tuck your dick between your legs / And shake those unfeasibly large breasts ♪'

Saul:Can I get a coffee with a side of you? — Saul hitting on the drag performer.

Ilana · Saul:Oh, Saul, this is a marijuana pen. Ooh, sorry. You probably don't want that. / Why shouldn't I get high?

Ilana:Get ripped, 'cuz.

Saul:You can't get off unless you cough! That's for damn sure.

Saul:Conga time! Ooh, come on, girls.

Ilana:It's a bare... with a hint of lavender.

Ilana · Alan Cumming · Abbi:Thank you so much for bringing us here today. / For bringing you? / We followed you for, like, 13 blocks. / Cool.

Abbi · Alan Cumming:We really need to cherish our elders and hear their stories. / You want to meet him?

Ilana · Abbi:Saul has vanished. Abbi and Ilana turn around and he's gone — 'He's gone for fucking ever!'

Ilana:We cannot be losing Holocaust survivors! Not now that the world is gaining Nazis somehow!

Ilana:Ilana's method of locating a lost Holocaust survivor: 'Where would a Holocaust survivor go? Um... pickled herring. Um... Zabar's!'

Ilana:Where would a Holocaust survivor go? Um... Zabar's!

Abbi · Ilana:Shit! My hat, dude! / Leave the hat! / No! It's not that simple!

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana distracted by babka and whitefish salad while searching for Saul.

Abbi · Ilana:The resilience of the Jewish people is just astounding. / Yeah. / We got to keep educating ourselves, you know. / Truly never forget. / Shit! Saul!

Ilana · Abbi · Ilana:Okay, where else might an old Jew go? / A sale. / Genius. Jew magnet! Yes!

Abbi · Ilana:Shopping montage — Abbi and Ilana distracted by a sale while searching for Saul.

Doris · Abbi · Ilana:He's at IKEA. / What? How do you know that? / When he breaks out, he always goes to IKEA. That's what he does.

Doris · Abbi · Ilana:Didn't I tell you not to leave the third floor with him? / You did mention that. / I didn't really hear it. / I feel like that was more directed to my friend, to be honest.

Ilana · Doris:And... And... And... And we could just take... / We'll just take our licenses back real quick, and then we'll just be like, 'Great meeting ya.' / No.

Saul · Abbi:You know, y-you come in for one thing, and... and... / Like your cousin, the Holocaust survivor.

Saul:You can leave the hat in the cart.

Abbi · Saul:What's up with the IKEA fetish, Saul? ... when I escaped from the camp, I wound up in Sweden, and those people were so good to me.

Saul:Saul's motto: 'Never forget. Also... don't remind me.'

Saul:Never forget. / Also... don't remind me.

Saul · Ilana:And you look a great deal like my father. / Are you serious? / Yeah. It's all about the eyes... the moustache.

Abbi:Abbi breaks up with Lesley's hat in the IKEA — 'I feel like I gave this guy, like, a good go of it today. And I just don't think it's really me.'

Ilana:Abbi... listen. I thought it looked cute on you. But you're much cuter without it.

Abbi:Sweet relief. / Oh, my God. / I feel so much better.

Ilana:Ilana's grad school essay — 'It's not about the hideous hat. It's about the head that wears it.'

Ilana:I used to think being Jewish meant IBS, Tay-Sachs, inherited trauma, and childhood contact lenses.

Ilana:...carry a stag table to the parking lot of an IKEA at 91 years old.

Ilana:And I hope you have the strength to accept this little Jew into your Psychology Graduate program. Shalom.

Ilana:Yeah, I'm getting in.

Stranger · Abbi · Ilana:Are you performers? / No. Why? / The... hat. / Oh, this? No, this is a style choice. / Usually, I'm pro-choice, but I would abort this if I could.

Stranger:The hat... I'd burn it.