The Soup Nazi

Jerry:I like soup as a lazy eater. The visual of soup looking half-digested makes eating feel like less work.

Jerry:You know, I've been thinking about the lazy eater. And I realized we could take this to the ultimate level of laziness. Just hook yourself up to an IV of soup. Chicken soup, minestrone, whatever you want. Just plug it in, let it drip into your arm all day. No chewing, no swallowing, no effort whatsoever.

Jerry:So you're at a family dinner, and your grandfather's there with his IV soup bag hanging next to him. And you're looking at it, and it says 'Chunky Style.'

Jerry:Your grandfather's getting chunks! He's trying to chew his IV!

Jerry:You're Schmoopie.

Sheila:No, you're Schmoopie.

Jerry:No, you're Schmoopie.

Sheila:No, you're Schmoopie.

Jerry:No, you're Schmoopie.

Jerry:The soup is so amazing, the physical effect is so extreme your knees buckle.

Jerry:This guy, the Soup Nazi, he's very particular about how you order. You gotta know the rules.

Jerry:You move to the left, you order, you pay, you move to the right. That's it.

Jerry:You don't follow the system, he yells 'No soup for you!' and you're out.

Jerry:That's why they call him the Soup Nazi.

Kramer:It's not 'armwar,' it's 'armoire.'

Street Vendor:You know what? You got a nice face. I'm gonna let you have it for $200.

Elaine:Really?

Street Vendor:Yeah, $200.

Jerry:Oh no, here he comes. He's picked up the scent. He's like a shark. He smells blood in the water.

Elaine:Wait, why didn't I get any bread?

Jerry:Just let it go, Elaine. Don't make a thing about the bread.

Elaine:Wait, why does the bread cost extra?

Soup Nazi:Bread is not included. You want bread, you pay.

Elaine:But last time it was two dollars.

Soup Nazi:Now is three dollars.

Elaine:That's ridiculous!

Soup Nazi:No soup for you! Come back one year!

Elaine:You said it was a beautiful armoire.

Vendor:It is a beautiful armoire.

Elaine:So help me move it.

Vendor:I can't, it's against the rules.

Elaine:But you just said it was beautiful! You can't compliment something and then refuse to help move it. That's like... that's like flirting and then ghosting.

Elaine:Come on, Jerry, just let me have some soup. I'm starving.

Jerry:No. Absolutely not. You were banned from the Soup Nazi's. That's it. You made your choice.

Elaine:It was one mistake!

Jerry:One mistake? You don't get to make mistakes with the Soup Nazi. There are rules. You follow the rules, you get soup. You don't follow the rules, you don't get soup. It's very simple.

Elaine:You know, this is how it starts. This is how a dictatorship begins. One day you're refusing to share your soup, and the next thing you know, you're rounding people up and putting them in camps.

Jerry:Elaine, it's soup!

Elaine:It's not about the soup! It's about power. It's about control. And it's about the Soup Nazi determining who is worthy and who is not.

Jerry:You're Schmoopie.

Sheila:No, you're Schmoopie.

Jerry:No, you're Schmoopie.

Sheila:No, you're Schmoopie.

Jerry:You know what? I don't want to see this movie.

George:What? Why not? You were just talking about it.

Jerry:I changed my mind. I don't feel like it anymore.

George:That's weird.

Jerry:What's weird about that?

George:It's weird to just change your mind like that for no reason.

Jerry:It's not weird. People change their minds all the time.

George:No, that's weird. You're weird.

Kramer:Ahoy, there!

Kramer:I'm telling you, that man is a great soup artisan. He's not just making soup, he's creating edible masterpieces.

Elaine:Kramer, he yells at people and throws them out if they don't order right.

Kramer:That's called having standards.

Kramer:He's not a Nazi. He's a soup man. He's passionate about his soup.

Kramer:There's nothing wrong with being eccentric. Some of the greatest minds in history were eccentric.

George:His relationship is unbearable to watch.

Elaine:Completely unbearable.

George:I can't take it anymore.

Elaine:Neither can I.

George:Jerry, you can't be serious about this. You're fighting over who gets to keep the pet names in the relationship?

Jerry:It's not just pet names, George. It's about identity. I've been 'Schnookums' my whole life.

George:You've been Schnookums for your whole life? What are you talking about?

Jerry:With Sheila! She calls me Schnookums. Now she's saying if we break up, she takes Schnookums with her.

George:So find a new pet name. How hard is that?

Jerry:You don't understand. Schnookums is me. I AM Schnookums.

George:No, you're not. You're Jerry. You're a grown man arguing about pet names like you're in third grade.

Soup Nazi:You come back tomorrow, you get nothing. A year, you get nothing. You lucky you get the soup today.

Elaine:So what's in this soup anyway? The broccoli looks a little wilted.

Soup Nazi:No soup for you!

Elaine:You know, you kind of look like Al Pacino.

Man:Oh, thank you.

Elaine:Yeah, young Al Pacino. Like in Serpico.

Soup Nazi:You! Out! One year! No soup for you!

Elaine:But I was just—

Soup Nazi:One year! You come back, maybe we talk. Now go!

Street Tough 1:You better watch out, or you're gonna get hurt.

Street Tough 2:Yeah, and if you get hurt, you're gonna be in pain.

Street Tough 1:And if you're in pain, you're gonna suffer.

Elaine:Kramer, did you see anyone suspicious around my apartment? My armoire is missing.

Kramer:An armoire? Elaine, do you know what you're saying? That's a major piece of furniture. We're talking about a full-scale heist here. They knew what they were after. Professional job.

Elaine:It was probably just someone who needed furniture.

Kramer:Just needed furniture? This is how it starts, Elaine. First the armoire, then what? Your couch? Your bed? Before you know it, you're sitting in an empty apartment with nothing but a reading lamp and a radio.

Soup Nazi:No kissing in line! You kiss, you go to the back!

Jerry:But we were just—

Soup Nazi:No soup for you!

Sheila:So that's it? You're just going to let him ban me?

Jerry:Well, you did yell at him about the bread.

Sheila:Are you seriously choosing soup over me right now?

Jerry:

George:So you're telling me you chose a woman over a marble rye?

Jerry:It wasn't a marble rye, it was bisque.

Jerry:So these guys, they just broke into my apartment and stole an armoire?

Kramer:Well, they were quite taken with it.

Jerry:George has an inferiority complex, not a superiority complex. He thinks everyone's better than him.

Jerry:You're actually happy about the breakup?

George:Happy? I'm ecstatic! Do you know what this means? I'm free!

Elaine:George, that's terrible.

Kramer:Yeah, you should at least pretend to be sad.

George:Why? Why should I pretend? She was driving me crazy!

Jerry:Because that's what normal people do, George.

George:Well, I'm not normal. And I don't care who knows it!

George:I mean, the kissing, the hugging, the public displays of affection... it was revolting! They'd be at Monk's Café, holding hands across the table, making goo-goo eyes at each other. It was like watching two tourists at the Statue of Liberty.

George:You broke our pact! We shook hands!

Jerry:We shook hands? George, that's not a binding contract. That's just... shaking hands.

Soup Nazi:You appreciate the craft. Most people, they just want soup. But you—you understand.

Kramer:Well, it's an art form. The way you compose those ingredients, it's like a symphony.

Soup Nazi:Exactly! Finally, someone who gets it. This armoire—it is for you.

Kramer:For me? The Soup Nazi is giving me furniture?

Soup Nazi:You are a man of vision.

Customer:Gazpacho, por favor.

Soup Nazi:No soup for you! Come back one year!

George:Goo goo ga ga, ga ga goo goo.

George:Blblblbl... dadadada... whee whee!

George:Ooooh, ooooh, ahhhhh, gaga dada doo doo doo!

George:Goo goo ga ga, goo goo ga ga!

Susan:Goo goo ga ga! Fishy fishy, goo goo!

Elaine:I can't believe the Soup Nazi gave you an armoire. He's so generous to you!

Kramer:Yeah, well, he likes me.

Elaine:It's ironic, isn't it? The guy with 'Nazi' in his name is more generous than regular people. You know what my friends do? They steal from me.

Susan:I'm so glad you're finally able to express your feelings, George.

George:Well, I've been working on it.

Susan:It's really attractive. You know what? I'm going to start calling you Kiki.

George:Kiki?

Elaine:Thank you so much for the armoire. It's perfect.

Soup Nazi:You're welcome. I'm glad you like it.

Elaine:Yeah, I'm giving it to George. He really needed some extra storage.

Soup Nazi:George?! George Costanza?!

Elaine:Yes...

Soup Nazi:NO ARMOIRE FOR YOU!

Jerry:You're the ones who stole my armoire?

Street Tough 1:Yeah, what's it to ya?

George:Do you know how much that armoire cost?

Street Tough 2:We don't care about your fancy furniture.

Jerry:This is like Taxi Driver, except you guys are really bad at it.

Street Tough 1:What are you talking about?

George:Yeah, at least Travis Bickle had a plan.

Elaine:Wait a minute... these are your recipes! Your secret recipes!

Soup Nazi:No! No! This is impossible!

Elaine:Mulligatawny, jambalaya, crab bisque... it's all here!

Soup Nazi:Where did you get this?! You have no bread!

Elaine:I have all your recipes.

Elaine:Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Kramer:He's gone. The Soup Nazi, he's out of business. No more soup.

Kramer:Do you know what this means? No more bisque. No more gumbo. No more jambalaya.

Kramer:I'm devastated. I'm absolutely devastated.

George · Jerry:So essentially, you chose soup over a woman? / It was a bisque.

George:Yeah, you know what I've just realized? Suddenly, George has become much more normal than you.

George · Jerry:He's engaged to be married. Your top priority is soup. / Have you tasted the soup? / Yeah, all right. You made the right decision.

Jerry · Kramer · Elaine:So did these thieves want any money? / No. / They just wanted the armoire? / Yeah, they were quite taken with it.

Jerry · Elaine:Have you noticed George is acting a little strange lately? No. In what way? / I don't know. A lot of attitude, like he's better than me.

Elaine:I don't think George has ever thought he's better than anybody.

George:Were you just talking about me? What's going on?

George · Jerry:Yeah. With all that kissing and the 'Schmoopie, Schmoopie, Schmoopie.' Out in public like that. It's disgusting. / Disgusting? / People who do that should be arrested.

George · Jerry:And we had a pact, you know. / What? / You shook my hand. / You're still with the pact? / All I did was shake your hand.

Kramer:My friend is awfully disappointed. You know, she's very emotional.

Soup Nazi · Kramer:All right, now listen to me. You have been a good friend... I have an armoire in my basement. If you want to pick it up, you're welcome to it.

Kramer · Soup Nazi:You are the only one who understands me. You suffer for your soup. / Yes, that is right. / You demand perfection from yourself, from your soup. How can I tolerate any less from my customers?

Customer · Soup Nazi:Gazpacho, por favor. / 'Por favor'? / Oh, I'm part Spanish.

Soup Nazi:Adios, muchacho. / You heard him. Get out.

Jerry · Sheila:It was stupid of me. / Well, it was very insulting. / No, I know. I was really sort of half kidding. / Well, behind every joke there's some truth. / Well, what about that Bavarian cream pie joke? There's no truth to that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they don't have it, he says, 'I'll just have some coffee.' / There's no truth to that. / Well, I guess you're right.

Jerry · Sheila:It was stupid of me. / Well, it was very insulting. / No, I know. I was really sort of half kidding. / Well, behind every joke there's some truth.

Jerry:Well, what about that Bavarian cream pie joke? There's no truth to that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie, and then when they don't have it, he says 'I'll just have some coffee.' There's no truth to that.

Jerry · Sheila:So am I forgiven, Schmoopie? / Yes, Schmoopie.

Jerry · George:So... you sit on the same side in a booth? / Yeah, that's right. You got a problem?

Jerry · George:I just think it's a little unusual for two people to sit on one side and leave the other side empty. / Well, we're changing the rules. / Well, good for you.

George · Susan:Because I love you so much, and I want you to be happy. Okay, sweetie? / Oh, George, you're so sweet. / Well, I can be a little sweetie-tweetie-wheetie-wheetie.

Jerry · Sheila:What about you, Schmoopie? How about a little tuna? / You want a little tuna fishy? / Yeah, a little tuna fishy. / Fishy.

Kramer · Elaine:Yeah! Did the K-Man do it or did the K-Man do it? / The K-man did it!

Elaine · Kramer:How much did you pay for this? / How about zero?

Kramer · Elaine:I'll tell you where I got it. From the guy you callously refer to as the Soup Nazi. / Get out!

Kramer · Elaine:Yeah, he's a wonderful man. Yeah, you know, a little bit misunderstood, but... / I'm gonna go down there and personally thank him. I mean, I had this guy all wrong. This is wonderful. / Yeah, well, he's a dear.

Susan:Just knowing that you're not afraid of those things... it's such a great step forward in our relationship. Because you love your little Kiki, don't you?

George:[George's face when Susan asks 'you love your little Kiki, don't you?' — implied horrified reaction]

Soup Nazi · Elaine:You? If I knew it was for you, I never would have given it to him! I would have taken a hatchet and smashed it to pieces. / Now, who wants soup? / Next, speak up.

Soup Nazi:Now, who wants soup? Next, speak up.

Kramer · Jerry:Jerry, those are the guys that mugged me for the armoire. / Those two? Are you sure? / Let's confront them. / No, let's get a cop. / There's no cops around. They're gonna leave. Come on, let's go.

Armoire Thieves (Bob and companion):Wow, look, that one is gorgeous. I would just kill for that one. / No, not in blue. Blue does not go at all.

Jerry · Kramer:We were kind of talking to each other. Weren't we? [extended awkward beat as Jerry and Kramer process the situation with the thieves]

Bob (armoire thief) · companion:I mean, you know, I've never been so insulted in my entire life. / There's something really wrong with this man. / He is a Soup Nazi.

Elaine · Jerry:'Five cups chopped porcini mushroom, half a cup of olive oil, three pounds of celery, chopped parsley...' / Let me see. / You know what this is? This is a recipe for soup. Look at this. There are like 30 different recipes. These are his recipes.

Elaine · Jerry:Five cups chopped porcini mushroom, half a cup of olive oil, three pounds of celery, chopped parsley... / You know what this is? This is a recipe for soup. / Look at this. There are like 30 different recipes. These are his recipes. His secret's out.

Elaine:I could give these to every restaurant in town. I could have them published. I could drop fliers from a plane above the city.

Elaine · Jerry · Bob (armoire thief) · companion:Don't make me hurt you, Jerry. / Look, they have it in blue. / For my baby bluey. / Are you my baby bluey? / Oh, yes, I'm your baby bluey. / Oh, yes.

Jerry:Yeah, well, she was very affectionate, which I love. You know I love that. But mentally we couldn't quite make a connection.

Jerry · George · Susan · Soup Nazi:I think it's great that you're so open with your affections in public. See, we had that. But the mental thing... But, anyway... / I'll see you. / Yeah. / See you. / Go on, leave. Get out! / But I didn't do anything. / Next.

Elaine · Soup Nazi:Hello. / You? / You think you can get soup? Please, you're wasting everyone's time.

Elaine · Soup Nazi:I don't want soup. I can make my own soup. 'Five cups chopped porcini mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, three pounds celery.' That is my recipe for wild mushroom. Yeah, that's right. I got them all. Cold cucumber, corn and crab chowder. Mulagatani. / Mulagatani? / You're through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. / Next!

Kramer · Jerry:Jerry, Jerry, Jerry! / What is it? / Something happened to Soup Nazi. What is the matter? / Elaine's causing a commotion. She got ahold of his recipes, and she's gonna drive him out of business.

Kramer:Now that his recipes are out he's not gonna make any more soup! He's moving out of the country! Moving to Argentina! No more soup, Jerry. No more for any of us!

Jerry · Kramer:Where you going? / He's giving away what's left. / I gotta go home and get a big pot.