The Rollout

David:I may have taught you that word incorrectly.

Johnny:What do you mean?

David:Yeah, I've known for a while, but I thought it was funny.

David:Dad, please stop saying 'rollout.'

Johnny:What did I just say about the rollout?

David:Dad, stop saying rollout.

Johnny:Well, we need to discuss the rollout.

Johnny:We need to think outside the box here. I'm talking about a pop-out store.

David:A pop-out store?

Johnny:Yes, you know, where the store just... pops out.

Stevie:He doesn't know what a pop-up store is. He thinks it's a store that pops out of the ground.

Ted:Most of the dogs at the shelter are, um, rescue dogs. So they've been through some trauma. They're not really in a 'flirty' phase right now.

Alexis:Oh my god, she's so cute!

Ted:Actually, he's a he. And he's married.

Alexis:Oh my God, that's so great! I'm really happy for Heather. She's going to be such a good dog mom. Like, honestly, I think she's probably better suited for this than I am anyway. I mean, I'm just so busy all the time, and she's just got so much more love to give, you know? So yeah, no, this is perfect. I'm genuinely thrilled for her.

Moira:I'm hosting a soirée for the rescue puppy initiative. It's a very exclusive gathering of the town's most discerning pet enthusiasts.

Moira:Well, they made eye contact. That's either the beginning of a beautiful romance or the prelude to a violent crime. There's really no in-between.

Moira:People will experience a profound sense of joy and fulfillment in their domestic arrangements.

Moira:The venue called to cancel. Apparently, there was a scheduling conflict with their annual Squirt and Twirl.

Moira:Alas, I cannot. I've been summoned for jury duty.

Moira:I would never overstep. I respect boundaries.

Moira:That said, Alexis, your presentation was rather flat, and Ted, your tie choice was actively working against you.

Alexis:It's not a canine auction, Mother. It's a dog show. And we're not spending the whole day there.

David:Is that my lotion?

Stevie:No.

David:You're using my lotion.

Stevie:I have a rash.

David:That's a guest lotion. You can't use guest lotion on a rash.

Stevie:Well, it's too late now.

Johnny:What have you been doing differently?

Stevie:I've just been rolling out new ideas for the business.

Stevie:Because my skin is dry. But also because I don't want to use too much of it, so I'm rationing it. But then my skin gets drier, so I use more. It's a vicious cycle, David, and frankly, I don't appreciate the interrogation.

Johnny:We need to do a rollout of the new product line.

Moira:Johnny, didn't we just discuss this? The rash—

Johnny:A full rollout. Nationwide.

Alexis:Hi, I'm Alexis Rose, of course.

Alexis:Why are you back? I thought you were going to be gone for another week.

Mutt:Yeah, well, my dad's having a baby, so I figured I'd come back.

Alexis:What?

Mutt:My stepmom is pregnant.

Alexis:Oh my God, I completely forgot about the barn. I didn't even know we had a barn.

Mutt:Yeah, so the raccoons have been here for about three years now. I've tried everything to get them out, but they've basically established squatter's rights at this point. I even left them an eviction notice, but they can't read, so that didn't really work.

Alexis:I can help you water the plants.

Mutt:They're all dead.

Alexis:I may have let a few things slide.

Moira:Jury duty sounds absolutely exhausting. You have my deepest sympathies.

Jocelyn:Oh, it's going to be amazing! I might get sequestered! Do you know what that means? It means I get to stay in a hotel for FREE!

Jocelyn:And I get to decide someone's fate. It's like being on a game show, except instead of winning a toaster, I'm determining guilt or innocence!

Moira:I'm going to tell them I'm clairvoyant. That way, they'll have to dismiss me because I'll know what the verdict is before the trial even begins.

Johnny:David, your security is absolutely abysmal. I walked right in here without anyone stopping me. There could be anyone wandering around this store.

David:Dad, you own the store.

David:I look like Phantom of the Opera if he gave up and let the mask win.

Johnny:You might be contagious.

David:I'm not contagious, Dad.

Johnny:Well, you've been looking pretty rough lately. When's the last time you got laid?

David:I'm not discussing my sex life with you.

Johnny:David, your skincare line is causing people to break out in a rash. We need to halt the rollout immediately.

David:Dad, it's not the products. The customers aren't following the instructions.

Johnny:Well, the only thing rolling out right now is hives on people's faces. Cancel the rollout.

Johnny:We need to recall these products immediately. Roll it back.

Mutt:Yeah, it didn't work out. She wanted different things.

Alexis:That's so sad. But you know what? That just means she's not your soulmate. Your soulmate is still out there waiting for you.

Alexis:And honestly? That's actually really romantic.

Mutt:So my travel companion was this guy named Moonshine, and we were going to start a cone farm together.

David:A cone farm?

Mutt:Yeah, you know, growing pine cones and selling them to craft stores. It seemed like a really solid business plan at the time.

Mutt:Yeah, so we got a bit lost on the way back. GPS wasn't working, so we just used the stars to navigate home.

Mutt:Yeah, so we'd pick cones all day, and at the end of the week, if you picked the most cones, you'd get a coupon for a free soft-serve ice cream.

Mutt:But here's the thing - they rationed how often you could shower. So if you won the ice cream, you had to choose between eating it and using your weekly shower allotment to wash off the cone sap.

Mutt:Most guys just chose to stay sticky.

Mutt:Can I get you something to drink? We have water, coffee, or cone wine.

Alexis:Cone wine?

Mutt:It's wine served in a cone. Like an ice cream cone, but wine.

Roland:Creating more work by documenting the work of documenting work

Roland:Well, I hate to break it to you, but that rash ain't from no moisturizer. That's from the poison ivy I've been using to edge the garden beds.

Roland:Well, weeds are free, so there's your economical option right there.

Moira:Well, I have had experiences where I've been completely infatuated with someone, only to discover that they've been taking me for granted. I'm thinking of Brad Pitt circa 1995.

Moira:I'm trying to be very fair about this embezzlement case. I have no preconceived notions, and I'm certainly not biased against the defendant.

Moira:Although, I must say, he does strike me as a prick of a prestidigitator.

Moira:Well, that was humiliating. I've never been dismissed from a jury before.

Jocelyn:Oh, I have. Multiple times. I thought I was doing so well this time. I really had a good feeling about it.

Moira:What happened?

Jocelyn:The judge asked me if I could be impartial, and I said yes, but apparently my face said no. This was going to be my personal best.

Jocelyn:Well, I guess that's it for me. I'm off the jury. Finally! Do you know how long I've been waiting for this moment? This is the best day of my life!

Jocelyn:I mean, who needs to serve on a jury when you can just go home and watch TV? Thank God they realized I'm too fabulous for this courtroom.

Mutt:Well, I mean, we're organizing Singles Week and we're both still single, so I guess we're just two single people throwing a party for single people.

Alexis:I'm going to go... somewhere else now.

David:Yes, hello, I'm calling because I have a serious skin condition and I need to speak to someone immediately. It's very urgent. No, I don't have time to wait on hold. Yes, I understand you have other patients, but this is a dermatological emergency. What do you mean 'how bad is it'? Well, my complexion has taken on a rather sallow, almost gray undertone, and there's a slight dryness around my T-zone that's absolutely unacceptable. My moisturizer isn't absorbing properly and I can see the beginning of what might be a fine line—possibly two fine lines—near my left eye. It's catastrophic.

David:Dad, this isn't funny.

Johnny:Well, I think it's hilarious.

Johnny:I have something to tell you. We've lost everything.

David:What? How is that possible?

Johnny:Well, it turns out I'm not responsible for this one. Your mother is.

David:Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that a normal, healthy person isn't supposed to smell flowers. What was I thinking? Next you'll tell me I shouldn't be touching things or breathing air.

David:I may have been slightly harsh with the vendor.

David:I called him and I said, 'Your flowers are garbage, your arrangement is an insult to floristry, and you should be ashamed of yourself.' Then I hung up.

David:It turns out the flowers were fine. I was just having a bad day.

Alexis:Ted, are you giving the puppies a pep talk?

Ted:Well, I was, but I guess you could say it's more of a pup talk.

Alexis:My mind has just been elsewhere lately.

Ted:Well, your mind being elsewhere is kind of your default work style.

Alexis:I just... I really like you, and I thought maybe you felt the same way, and I guess I was wrong, so...

Ted:Alexis, I do care about you, but I don't think we should—

Alexis:No, no, it's fine. Totally fine. Actually, you know what? Can we just get a puppy?

Alexis:Can I just get the saddest puppy you have? Like, the one that looks like it's been through the most? Because honestly, at this point, I feel like we deserve each other.