Singles Week

Moira:The singles have arrived. I can tell by the distinctive timbre of their smokers' coughs and their passionate debate about which one of them is the Carrie.

Moira:I'm not wearing that t-shirt. Do you know what kind of message that sends? That I'm a volunteer. I didn't come here to volunteer, I came here to be seen volunteering.

Moira:David, darling, I understand you're upset, but let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater. We need to stay in our lane here.

David:Mom, that makes no sense. You're the one who—

Moira:I'm going to stop you right there. You see, in my day, we understood the concept of teamwork. We didn't just go rogue and fumble the ball like some sort of... pedestrian amateur.

Moira:Well, after the success of our last co-chaired event, I thought we'd tackle something truly meaningful: a formal ball celebrating the ravages of adolescent skin conditions.

David:Mother, no.

Moira:The Rosemont Luxury Hotel has graciously offered their grand ballroom. We'll have ice sculptures shaped like blackheads, and the silent auction will feature skincare products that haven't worked on anyone.

Alexis:Um, why would anyone want to go to that?

Moira:Because, darling, it's ironic. And nothing says 'black tie optional' like commemorating the worst years of everyone's lives in a five-star setting.

Moira Rose:They're like raspy-voiced Miranda Hobbes types.

Roland:Hold on, hold on. Yeah, I'm in a meeting right now. Yeah, with Johnny Rose. No, no, he's getting really mad. His face is turning red. Now he's standing up. Oh, he's pointing at me. Yeah, I can see that, he's pointing right at me.

Johnny:Roland!

Roland:He just yelled my name. Yeah, just my name. Very forceful. Oh, now he's doing that thing where he closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose.

Roland:Yeah, no, he gets very angry. I've seen it.

Roland:One time he yelled at me for ten minutes straight because I parked in his spot.

Johnny:I'm standing right here, Roland.

Roland:I know, Johnny. That's why I'm being so honest.

Roland:What else do you need?

Johnny:Well, I need to finalize a few things with the real estate agent, I need to call the accountant...

Roland:And maybe a brow trim?

David:This box is just... it's an awkward shape.

Stevie:Yeah, your struggle with it has been absolutely effortless to watch.

David:I'm not struggling. I'm just... repositioning.

David:And thank you, I have been going to the gym.

David:I can't deliver the box because emotional vulnerability is cringe-y, and frankly, I'm not going to subject myself to that kind of public humiliation.

David:Besides, I already told Patrick everything about my feelings anyway, so there's nothing left to spill.

David:Stevie, you have to deliver this box. It's very important.

Stevie:David, why can't you deliver it?

David:Because I'm... I'm busy. And you're going in that direction anyway.

Stevie:I'm really not.

David:Well, you will be, once you agree to deliver this box. Which means you're already going in that direction in your mind, which is the same thing.

Stevie:That's not how directions work.

David:It is though, because if you think about going somewhere, you've already mentally gone there, so your body might as well follow, and at that point, you're obligated.

David:You just told me you love me, and now you're telling me this is going to stress me out?

Patrick:Yes.

David:Those two things are in direct conflict.

Patrick:I know.

David:I've only said 'I love you' to my parents twice, and once to Mariah Carey.

David:Patrick, I... I love you too. And you know how I feel about live music, and crowds, and outdoor venues, and most forms of human expression, but I would go to a Mariah Carey concert with you.

David:I can manage this myself. It's just a box.

Patrick:Well, that was a thing.

Moira:I can't get the keys because I'm wearing press-on nails and I just had them applied at a length that makes it impossible for me to perform basic motor functions. I can't open doors, I can't operate a telephone, and I certainly can't be expected to retrieve keys from a keyring like some sort of common laborer.

Moira:You're doing beautifully, Jocelyn. Just breathe through the contractions. In and out, in and out.

Jocelyn:I can't do this, Moira!

Moira:Yes, you can. You're a strong woman. Although I must say, this little frippit is certainly making quite the entrance. Rather inconsiderate timing, if you ask me. We have the gala tomorrow evening.

Moira:And frankly, I'm not entirely convinced this baby is media-ready. Has it even considered its close-up?

Moira:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! We need to get to the hospital!

Alexis:Moira, she's literally driving us there right now.

Moira:I know, but I'm very nervous! What if something goes wrong? What if I say the wrong thing?

Alexis:You're not the one having the baby.

Moira:I'm aware, but my nerves are very delicate!

Stevie:Oh my God, whose phone is this?

David:I don't know, it won't stop ringing.

Stevie:Well, answer it!

David:Hello? Hello, yes, she's— no, no, this isn't— I'm not— I'm not Tom.

Stevie:What? What are they saying?

David:I think... I think his wife is in labor.

Stevie:The progression from words to baby emojis to explosion emoji

Johnny:Well, if you hadn't turned off the phone, we wouldn't be in this situation.

Stevie:Me? You're the one who can't figure out how to use the TV remote. You think the internet lives in the router.

Johnny:That's completely different.

Stevie:Is it though? Because last week you asked me if you could download more RAM.

Ted:You know, I have to say, I'm a little miffed. These dogs are getting cashmere sweaters and I don't even get a Christmas gift.

David:Ted, you work at the same office as me. I see you every day.

Ted:Yeah, well, I guess you could say this is really getting to my... pet peeves.

Ted:Your presence has thrown me off my game.

David:Well, I think your game is very... tight.

Ted:Thank you.

David:Very snug.

David:Well, if it makes you feel any better, that's not normal for her.

David:I once saw her cry at a store when they didn't have her shoe size, and she just... moved on with her life.

David:Well, I think that's everything. I should probably get going.

Ted:Oh, actually, before you go — I'm engaged.

David:What?

David:So you're telling me that you broke up with Heather? And now you need to have a feelings conversation about it?

David:Well, I'm going to need a moment to process the fact that I'm now emotionally invested in your relationship status.

Alexis:Hi everyone, welcome to our singles event. I'm so excited to be here... as a single person. Which I am. Definitely single. Very, very single.

Alexis:I used to have a very specific type. You know, like a lock, and the key had to be this really specific shape. It had to be tall, it had to be European, preferably Adriatic royalty...

Alexis:But then I realized I was being way too picky, so I just started accepting any key that fit.

Alexis:He had to be willing to live off the grid, have at least three dogs, and be comfortable with the fact that I would never be comfortable.

Alexis:I threw away someone because they were too nice.

Alexis Rose:Welcome everyone to our singles event. So, you're all here because you're looking for love, which is great, but I want you to know that love isn't just about finding another person. It's about finding yourself first. And I've learned that the hard way. You see, I spent so much of my life trying to be what other people wanted me to be, and I lost myself in the process. And then I realized that I was so afraid of being alone that I would do anything to avoid it. But being alone isn't the worst thing. The worst thing is being with someone and still feeling alone. So tonight, I want you all to really think about what you're looking for, and more importantly, who you are.

Singles event attendee:So... is there a sign-in sheet or...?

Johnny:Oh God, the hammer's about to drop.

Johnny:Roland, I have some bad news. We've lost the phone.

Roland:What? How is that possible?

Johnny:I'm not entirely sure, but it's gone.

Roland:Gone? GONE?! Do you understand what that means? That's our only line of communication with the outside world!

Roland:Where could it be? Where did you last see it?

Johnny:Roland, I—

Roland:No, no, no. We need to find it. NOW. Check the back office. Check the storage room. Check everywhere!

Roland:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God—wait. Wait, is that it?

Roland:That's the phone. That's been the phone the whole time. It's right here on the counter.

Johnny:Yes, Bob, he is quite slippery, isn't he?

Roland:I'm standing right here, Johnny.

Ted:I was on a dirt bike in Mexico, just riding through the desert, wind in my hair, and I realized I'd never felt more alive.

David:Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I was on a dirt bike once.

Ted:Really?

David:Well, no. But I was in a very uncomfortable Uber.

David:I understand. I too have been burned in relationships. I'm like a marshmallow — a hard candy shell on the outside, but on the inside, I'm just a soft, gooey center that gets destroyed the moment someone applies heat.

David:I brought you something as a thank you for everything you do for the business.

Ted:Oh, how thoughtful! What is it?

David:It's a treat. I thought you'd enjoy it.

Ted:Mmm, this is... actually quite good. What flavor is this?

David:It's... well, it's a dog biscuit.

Ted:I'm sorry, what?

David:A dog biscuit. For the dog. Except I thought it would be funny.

Ted:David, I just ate a dog biscuit.

Woman in labor:I don't know who Alexis is, but if she's here, I trust her completely. She has this energy about her—this calm, capable energy. When she looks at you, you feel like everything is going to be okay. She's probably the most competent person I've ever met.

Roland:Moira, step aside. I got this.

Moira:But Roland, I was just—

Roland:You did great, really. But I'm here now. You can go.

Moira:Well, that's the epidural talking, dear. By next week you won't remember any of this.

Stevie:Yeah, well, David really knows what desperate singles want.

David:I don't know if that's a compliment.

Stevie:It's not not a compliment.

David:It went well.

Stevie:I love you too. And I don't say that lightly. I also don't say it like Mariah Carey, so you know it's real.

Patrick:I'm going to get you the perfect tea. I'm going to find out what temperature water should be, what kind of leaves, what kind of cup. I'm going to make this the most perfect tea moment of your life.

David:Patrick, you don't have to—

Patrick:No. You said tea. I'm getting you tea.

Alexis:Oh my God, I think I actually met someone!

David:Really? That's great.

Alexis:Yeah, we talked all night at the singles event. He was so charming and interested in everything I had to say.

David:So what's the catch?

Alexis:There's no catch. He works in media, he's super ambitious, and he kept asking me all these questions about my family and—oh God.

David:What?

Alexis:I just realized he was interviewing me. For a story.

Alexis:Oh my god, look at them! They're so in love. It's like they just met and they already know they're soulmates.

David:Alexis, those are Janet and Kevin from the newspaper. They've been trying to destroy each other's careers for three years.

Alexis:Wait, what? They're rivals?

David:Bitter rivals. They wrote a 47-part exposé about each other last month.

Alexis:But they're literally holding hands and whispering sweet nothings.

David:I know. It's deeply unsettling. I think they've gone insane.

Moira:You really outdid yourself tonight, darling. The event was absolutely flawless.

Alexis:Oh my god, thank you! Though I have to say, I learned from the best. Remember when you planned that gala and the ice sculpture melted into the shrimp display?

Moira:That was a freak occurrence.

Alexis:Yeah, a freak occurrence that you somehow still blamed on the venue.

Roland:Look at him. He's got my nose, my chin... he looks just like me. And somehow he's still handsome!

Roland:They named the baby 'Roland Moira Schitt'.

Moira:Roland Moira Schitt? That's a terrible name.

Roland:Well, we wanted to honor both of you.

Moira:Well, that is... a name. And how thoughtful that you've named her after me. Although I have to say, 'Ronnie' has never been on my list of names I'd hoped to pass down.

Roland:Come on, Moira, just hold her for a second.

Moira:No, no, no. Roland, I don't—

Roland:She's named after you! Your namesake!

Moira:Oh my God. Oh my God, no!

Moira:No, no, Jocelyn, normally I wouldn't even consider leaving, but Alexis... Alexis has never handled this kind of responsibility. And I would just hate to see it all come clattering down around her.

Jocelyn:Listen, I can't speak to who Alexis was before you came here, and from what I've heard I don't really wanna dig any deeper into that...

Jocelyn · Moira:She is a hard worker, she is kind, and she is capable of so much more than people give her credit for. / Jocelyn, that is one of the most generous compliments one could receive as a mother.

Moira:Oh, if the drugs are any good, you will.

Patrick:Well, David, I gotta hand it to you. We've already sold half of our massage oils. It's like you're an oracle when it comes to the sex lives of lonely people.

David · Patrick:How'd it go with Ted? [David turns, looks at Patrick] I love you.

Patrick · David:I know I'll never be able to compete with Mariah. / Mm. / It just kind of feels like one of those perfect moments that you dream about. Except in my dream, I'm holding a nice cup of tea. / Oh... / I'm kidding. I don't need the tea. No, I am making this perfect moment, perfect.

Alexis:Hey, it's musical chairs. It's a simple concept. Ugh! Keep moving! People are clustering, and you don't want that!

Alexis:Um, actually you may not be able to tell by the way those two are gazing into each other's eyes, they actually work for rival newspapers.

Alexis:Um, actually you may not be able to tell by the way those two are gazing into each other's eyes, they actually work for rival newspapers.

Moira · Alexis:Seems there's a lot more of me in you, than I give you credit for. / Lucky me.

Moira · Alexis:I'll take it from here. / I thought you were just apologizing for underestimating me? / You can't play the game with a clipboard in your hand. Go on.

Ted · Alexis:Hi. / Apparently I only have two minutes, so I'm gonna make this quick. / Hi. / I'm Ted, I'm newly single.

Ted · Alexis:And I'd be kidding myself if I told you that I haven't wanted to do this every single day for the last two years. / Do what?

Alexis:Oh! Oh, no, no thank you. [Alexis reacts to being kissed in front of the assembled singles]

Roland:Oh, what a handsome guy. He looks just like me. And yet, he's handsome.

Roland · Jocelyn:So, we'd like you to say hello to Roland Moira Schitt.

Roland · Jocelyn:So, we'd like you to say hello to Roland Moira Schitt.

Moira:Wow, that's... the name is really something, isn't it?

Moira:And an honor I dream not of!

Roland · Moira · Johnny:Look at that, the two Moira's. / Take him, John, my hands are shaking. / No, thank you.