Singles Week

I just overheard three women with smokers' coughs talking about 'Sex in the City'. The singles have arrived!

I think it would be a tad déclassé for the chair of the event to be wearing a Volunteers t-shirt

I appreciate everything you do, Alexis, but I think it's best I carry the baton over the goal line

The Teenage Rosacea Ball at the St. Regis?

Um, I just walked past three very raspy-voiced Miranda's outside

Roland's phone. Hey, Bob. Roland, hang up. Yeah, uh, Johnny's tellin' me I gotta hang up. Yes, they're both here, staring at me. Johnny has that upset look on his face

That's the perfect way to describe it, Bob

How 'bout a car wash? Or maybe a brow trim for Johnny?

You been goin' to the gym, 'cause that looked effortless?

It's just a very awkwardly shaped box, but yes I have, and thank you for noticing

The whole situation with Alexis and Ted right now is very awkward and cringe-y. Alexis told him she loved him

I just think it'll be less awkward for all of us, especially considering Ted now knows that I know, that he knows, if you maybe took the box

Okay, so... so you just said that to me for the first time, knowing that it would make my day more stressful. That's correct

Because you know that I've never said that to anyone else, aside from my parents twice, and one time at a... Mariah Carey concert

You're my Mariah Carey

David awkwardly carrying the box out while asking Patrick not to look

That went well

Jocelyn is in labor!

Oh! Don't start without me you little frippit. You don't have the media training

Wait, Jocelyn's driving? Yes, Alexis! She insisted! My nerves are fried!

Uh-oh. I think that's Roland's phone

Roland, it's happening. And then baby. And then, like a whole row of baby emojis, and an explosion

I didn't. You're the one who put his phone on silent. Because you didn't know how to

It's always gifts for the dogs, and never for me. Definitely one of my pet peeves

Um... no, your game is... tight

Yes. No, that is an emotional depth that is very, very out of character for her

I broke up with Heather

So I should probably stay, then, for a minute?

Hey, singles, I'm Alexis Rose, and I, like all of you, am single

Now, I used to think that my one special lock needed to be like super aggressive, and come from a long line of Adriatic royalty

or have a beard, and be really into the woods

So instead of actually giving it a real chance, you throw it away because it was too nice

So, are we playing a game, or not?

Oh, hold on, Gwen, uh, Roland just pulled in, and hammer's about to drop.

Roland, Jocelyn's in labor. What? Wh-when did she, why didn't she call me? I gotta call her. I need my phone. I can't... Where's my phone? I can't find my phone?

Is a little harsh, but he's definitely slippery, I'll give ya that. I'm standing right here, Bob

You know how many off-road dirt bike tours I had to take, just to get her outta my head? Shockingly, never been on a dirt bike. Um... But I'm sure like a lot-a lot... A lot of tours, David

I've been burned so many times, I'm basically the human equivalent of the inside of a roasted marshmallow

That's a dog treat? Looks like a real treat. What am I gonna do now?

I have watched your daughter, over the last couple of years, grow into one of the most amazing people I've ever known. She is a hard worker, she is kind, and she is capable of so much more than people give her credit for

There she is! Okay, I found it! Third time's a charm! Rolie, you made it! You may step down, ma'am, I thank you for your service

Oh, if the drugs are any good, you will

Well, David, I gotta hand it to you. We've already sold half of our massage oils. It's like you're an oracle when it comes to the sex lives of lonely people.

I love you

I know I'll never be able to compete with Mariah

No, I am making this perfect moment, perfect.

Um, actually you may not be able to tell by the way those two are gazing into each other's eyes, they actual work for rival newspapers

Um, actually you may not be able to tell by the way those two are gazing into each other's eyes, they actual work for rival newspapers.

Seems there's a lot more of me in you, than I give you credit for. Lucky me

Oh, what a handsome guy. He looks just like me. And yet, he's handsome.

So, we'd like you to say hello to Roland Moira Schitt

Wow, that's... the name is really something, isn't it? And an honor I dream not of!

Look at that, the two Moira's. Take him, John, my hands are shaking