Merry Christmas, Johnny Rose

Johnny:Wake me when it's over.

David:Well, we were less shocked, but significantly more depressed.

David:Dad, we're living in a motel room. We don't have a fireplace, we don't have stockings, and we certainly don't have room for Mom's wig collection and carolers.

Moira:We had an entire room dedicated to reindeer.

Alexis:I'm not going to the party.

Alexis:I mean, if we're doing gifts, they need to be good gifts. I'm talking Hermès scarves, Cartier bracelets, maybe a small piece of jewelry from that place in Paris. You can't just walk into a store and buy those things. They require advance ordering, consultations, private viewings...

Johnny:We're going to have the most spectacular Christmas this year. Lights, decorations, the whole nine yards.

Johnny:Oh, and I'll need to find the menorah for the mantle.

Patrick:You're Jewish?

David:I'm not Jewish, Patrick. My mother is half-Jewish, my father is half-French Canadian, and I was raised by a Jamaican nanny in New York City. So I'm not really sure what I am, ethnically or spiritually, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that I am not someone who celebrates Christmas with the kind of enthusiasm that you're displaying right now.

Stevie:Deck the halls with bottles of wine, fa la la la la, la la la la.

David:Well, we can't afford Nate Berkus anymore.

David:Besides, I'm banned from working with him anyway. Apparently, there was an incident in Marrakech involving some very expensive Moroccan plaster and a misunderstanding about whether it was load-bearing or decorative.

Patrick:So you're like Scrooge from A Christmas Carol, except instead of "Bah, humbug," it's just a lot of eye-rolling and sighing.

Stevie:I'm nothing like Scrooge.

Patrick:Right, because Scrooge eventually had a change of heart.

Stevie:Okay, that was a good burn.

Stevie:My grandmother was very giving.

David:Does anyone have any idea what mood-boarding even means?

Patrick:It's when you collect images and textures that represent the mood or aesthetic you're going for.

Stevie:I'm in a mood board right now. It's called 'exhausted with a hint of regret.'

David:That's not helpful.

Alexis:Oh my God, you look like a lesbian.

Ted:Well, I mean, elves are magical creatures who work year-round to bring joy to people, so... I'm choosing to take that as a compliment.

Alexis:Oh my God, that sounds amazing. You know, I did something very similar once in Poland.

Alexis:It was in this abandoned factory, and there were these guys, and we were all just... competing.

Alexis:It was definitely not a cookie competition though.

Ted:Krakow? More like crack of dawn!

Alexis:Ted, you're going to love my friends. They're really excited to meet you.

Ted:That's great!

Alexis:Yeah, they said they wanted to give you one last chance.

Ted:One last chance?

Alexis:I mean, one first chance. Your first chance. They want to give you your first chance to make a first impression, which is what first chances are.

Ted:What if something came up and I couldn't attend the party?

Ted:Like, what if I had to... do my core work?

Ted:I met some of your friends at the coffee shop today.

Alexis:Oh my God, which ones?

Ted:I'm not sure of their names, but one of them spent twenty minutes telling me about her juice cleanse, and another one kept taking photos of her salad.

Alexis:Yeah, that sounds about right.

Ted:I just want you to know that I understand what I'm signing up for here.

Ted:So you'd be doubling the recipe. That's two batches. Which means twice the mixing, twice the measuring, twice the baking time... So basically you're looking at doing this two times.

Moira:Our Christmas tree was so excessive it attracted protesters.

Johnny:Is that... pine needles?

Ray:Oh, those are car air fresheners I'm trying to sell separately. It's a fake pine scent.

Ray:These are the last of the trees, so I'm offering them at a special price.

Customer:Oh, that's wonderful! How much of a discount?

Ray:Oh, no discount. Special means they cost more.

Ray:Well, if it's just a gesture, then I'll add a gesture charge to your bill. That'll be an extra $47 for the gesture, plus labor, plus materials, plus a gesture fee.

Johnny:Have I asked for a lot this year?

Moira:Well, that depends. Are we counting the times you've asked, or the times you've asked while making that face?

Johnny:You wore fur to the PETA Christmas fundraiser.

Moira:It was a Peter fundraiser, and I was honoring director Peter Bogdanovich.

Johnny:Is that tree straight?

Moira:It is perfectly straight.

Johnny:Moira, it's leaning about thirty degrees.

Moira:Well, perhaps the floor is crooked.

David:Mom, there's a pumpkin in here.

Moira:Well, that's a decorative gourd, David. They're very festive.

David:It's a pumpkin.

Moira:It's a seasonal centerpiece that evokes the autumn-to-winter transition, which is a very important time of year.

Moira:Well, I was trying to be supportive, as you requested.

Moira:Yes, well, I thought a Christmas gourd would really set the tone.

David:Wait, so your grandmother actually earned these beads at Mardi Gras?

Stevie:Yeah, she was very... generous with the locals.

Johnny:What are you saving money for instead of buying decorations?

David:I'm getting an espresso machine.

Johnny:For the store?

David:For myself. At home.

Alexis:I thought 'handling the guest list' meant, like, being a bouncer at the door. You know, physically handling people as they arrive?

Johnny:Alexis, no.

Alexis:So I've just been standing here mentally preparing myself for the job.

Johnny:Who's crashing a party on Christmas Eve? Everyone's home with their families.

Ted:Wait, you're not staying for the party?

Johnny:No, we have to get back.

Ted:Oh. I thought... I assumed you were staying.

Alexis:Yeah, we can't. We have that thing.

Ted:Right. The thing. Of course.

Alexis:I mean, this is literally so awkward right now, and I hate it.

Alexis:Your friends all hate me.

Ted:I wouldn't say hate. I think 'hate' is a strong word.

Alexis:Wait, why would we put Jerry beads on the tree?

David:They're not Jerry beads, Alexis. They're Mardi Gras beads.

Alexis:Oh my God, same thing.

Moira:Well, I think it's rather festive. It's like Christmas in a war zone, but in a fun way.

David:The other side is even worse - it's been burned

David:We could just burn it.

David:Or we could just let it die and then throw it in the river like we do with everything else in this town.

Johnny:Fine. Meatloaf. Meatloaf is very Christmas.

Johnny:I'm going for meatloaf at the cafe.

Twyla:Meatloaf night was yesterday.

Johnny:Where are the kids?

Moira:Oh, Alexis is on a yacht to Capri.

Johnny:Where's David?

Moira:He's in the kitchen having a complete meltdown with Wolfgang Puck over the crudités platter.

Moira:Apparently, the baby carrots aren't orange enough.

Johnny:Let's open presents with the kids on Christmas morning.

Moira:Oh, I already took care of that.

Johnny:You did? What did you get them?

Moira:Money.

Johnny:Can you stand with me by the tree?

Moira:I can't. I've taken medication and I have a very narrow window to get upstairs safely.

Johnny:I want to thank the kitchen for this wonderful meatloaf on what I thought was meatloaf night.

Twyla:Actually, Mr. Rose, meatloaf night is tomorrow. Tonight is beef wellington night.

Johnny:Well, this is beef wellington.

Twyla:No, that's the meatloaf.

Johnny:Everything is fine.

Twyla:You're alone eating day-old meatloaf.

Moira:Well, I think today was quite peaceful, actually. A real respite from the madness.

Johnny:Peaceful? Moira, David set the kitchen on fire, Alexis flooded the bathroom, and you spent three hours arguing with a squirrel about the bird feeder.

Moira:A Christmas miracle! The family has returned with decorations!

Johnny:Moira, what are you talking about? There is no miracle here.

Moira:Oh yes there is. Look around you. We have garland, we have lights, we have a tree. This is a Christmas miracle.

Johnny:That's not a miracle, Moira. That's just... decorations.

Moira:In this house? At this time? I would call that miraculous.

Stevie:Wait, is that a fire hazard?

Alexis:I would never miss a party. You know me, I'm a party person.

Alexis:Ted's vet friends are coming to the party. They're... veterinarians.

Johnny:What are you looking at?

David:I'm just trying to see if anyone's noticed my new Italian leather ottoman.

Roland:You can't just invite me at the last minute like this!

Johnny:Alright, Roland, what if I give you a year's notice?

Roland:A year? That's too much advance planning. I like to keep things spontaneous.

Johnny:You should save the date for next year's Christmas party.

Roland:Next year? Johnny, I can't commit to something that far in advance. I don't even know what I'm doing next week.

Johnny:It's a year away.

Roland:Exactly. That's a lot of pressure.

Moira:Well, it's far too late. The residents are already tucked in for the evening. They're probably deep in their REM cycles by now.

David:Dad, are you crying?

Johnny:No, I'm not crying. It's just... the wine. This wine is very... it's a Riesling.

Alexis:Dad, you're literally tears streaming down your face.

Johnny:Yes, well, it's a very emotional Riesling.

Johnny:I'm not crying.

Moira:We ran out of red wine.

Moira:Is this a bomb?

Johnny:It's a wig cap.

Moira:Oh, thank God.

Johnny:Moira, close your eyes. I have a surprise for you.

Moira:Oh!

Johnny:No, no, no. Those aren't closed. Close them properly.

Moira:They are closed!

Johnny:You're doing that thing where you're closing them dramatically. Just close your eyes normally.

Moira:I don't know what you mean.

Johnny:You're doing it right now. Stop squinting so hard and just... close them.

Moira:Fine. They're closed.

Johnny:No, now you've got them squeezed shut like you're bracing for impact. Can you just close your eyes like a normal person?

David:Oh, how thoughtful. A thousand yen. That's... what, like twelve dollars? I'll add it to my collection of things that are technically money but functionally useless. Right next to my self-esteem and my will to live.

Johnny:Moira, the menorah is right next to the garland. One spark and this whole place goes up.

Moira:Well, that might not be the worst thing.

Johnny:What?

Moira:I'm just saying, the insurance money could really help us out.

Moira · Johnny:A bomb? / No, it's an antique tin. / Oh. / For your wig pins.

Alexis · Johnny:Stickers! / Of old men! / No, they're stamps, from all over the world.

Johnny · David:David, I know you like money. / Yes. [Johnny presents what turns out to be 1,000 Yen] / It's what looks like 1,000 Yen. / Yeah. / Hm. It's like being right back in Japan.

Moira · David:Okay, okay, let's just smile and say thank you. / Thank you.

Johnny · David:I was worried about this menorah being so close to the garland. Last thing we want is to have the motel burn down. / Or is it? / What?