A.A.R.M.

Dwight:The cold open spy-code exchange: 'The tea in Nepal is very hot.' / 'But the coffee in Peru is much hotter.'

Dwight:Dwight's confessional: 'I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now they're protecting America's real treasure — Paper!'

Dwight:Dwight confessional: 'Something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It's not the KGB, but it's a start.'

Dwight · Jim:The failed code exchange at the door — multiple wrong answers, getting 'warmer/colder' feedback like a children's game, culminating in Dwight threatening 'the steam'

Office workers:The crowd outside chanting 'Break protocol! Break protocol! Break protocol!' while someone is being steamed

Jim:'Oh, I'm saving a fortune on dry-cleaning.' — reaction after being steamed

Oscar:Oscar's confessional: 'Ironic that now it's Angela who's living in the closet.'

Angela:Angela threatening to call child protective services over saddle shoes with denim

Oscar · Angela:Oscar sends Phillip off with 'Go get 'em, honey.' Angela responds 'Oh, don't worry. They'll get got.'

Dwight:Dwight's confessional listing his achievements: 'Manager of Dunder Mifflin. Check! Owner of a 1,600-acre beet farm. Check! Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid. Check... on that later today.'

Andy:Andy introducing himself to the audition line: 'Name is Andrew Bernard. You might know me from a TV documentary that's premiering tonight.'

Andy:'Also killed it in local theater, and I am fresh off of a hot industrial flick.'

Andy:'On this show, all three judges are mean.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight's confessional on his new dynamic with Jim: 'Once upon a time, we were natural enemies, but we've overcome our differences, much like Germany and Italy in World War...' Jim cuts him off: 'No.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight and Jim's confessional: 'Together, we run a no-nonsense office.' Cut to the office doing something clearly chaotic/goofy.

Jim · Dwight:Jim and Dwight's confessional pre/post-meeting ritual: 'Preconference room meeting with Dwight went really well.' / 'Oh. Bodes well for the post-conference room meeting.' / 'All depends on the conference room meeting itself.'

Dwight:Dwight's inspirational quote: 'Some say the only failure there is is the failure to try. That is wrong. Failure of any kind is failure.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim's 'Michael J. Fax from fax to the future' bit — laying out hypothetical nonsense to illustrate what zero nonsense means

Angela · Kevin:Kevin bursting in: 'Daycare won't take Phillip anymore. Why? Apparently my station in life has descended to a depth even they won't forgive.'

Meredith:Meredith's confessional: 'I've been on my best behavior for nine years. If it wasn't for the cameras, I would've done some truly vulgar crap.'

Oscar:Oscar's confessional: 'Over the course of this documentary, I've had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble. My wife did it.'

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin confessional: 'When this thing started, I was still having sex with women. As was Kevin, I believe.' — then Oscar adding the Kevin bit

Kevin:Kevin's announcement: 'Some of us whose televisions got broken during an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial will be watching at Poor Richard's. But note, all are welcome, not just those who saw an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial and charged their televisions.'

Ryan:Ryan confessional: 'This airs tonight? Oh my God. If my parents see this, I am toast.'

Andy:Andy's Martin Luther King speech: 'Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here and sang I Dreamed a Dream from Les Mis? With that baritone? That would be historic.'

Andy:Andy and the competition host's mutual admiration exchange, culminating in 'Pour some Sugar Ray on me!'

Jim · Dwight:The AARM hierarchy breakdown: 'Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliore.' / 'You've got a regional manager... a loyal but bungling apostle... but what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager?'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'How would King Arthur choose the next knight of his round table?' Dwight: 'That doesn't sound crazy, Jim. That's the sanest thing I've ever heard.'

Andy:Andy locking in his starting note: '♪ A 440 ♪' then: 'A cappella is all about pitch, and I am nothing if not a total pitch bitch.'

Andy · Show Host:The show host accidentally revealing there's a mole, then immediately backpedaling: 'Oops. I'm not supposed to -- not supposed to say that. All right. No mole. Forget I said it.'

Dwight:Dwight's announcement: 'Members of the office, hear ye. That means ye, Plop.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight announces the AARM position: 'You'll always have the upper hand when you've got a good AARM.' / '— Trademark pending.'

Dwight:'Sure, every participant will be getting a corn dog, but that's for fueling only. No savoring.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim's mock-envious aside about the AARM competition: 'Wow. What an honor.' / 'God, I envy them.' / 'He envies you.' / 'You don't need to repeat right now...'

Dwight:Dwight's confessional: 'By 2:00, Dwight will choose himself to be assistant to his own assistant, me.'

Darryl:Darryl reveals he's been secretly moving furniture: 'Delivered all my furniture to Philly.' / 'I pulled the old Irish Exit. Just slipped out without making a big deal. No hard feelings. No feelings at all.'

Dwight · Meredith:AARM Challenge 1: Dwight asks Meredith what number he's thinking of. 'Two.' / '985,000,000,000,017.' / 'Not even close, Meredith.'

Dwight · Pam · Jim:Pam answers the mind-reading challenge with 'Saved by the Bell' theme — Dwight: 'It was the theme song to Boy Meets World.' Then Jim objects: 'You're trying to give your wife this job.' Dwight: 'That's exactly what I was doing.'

Dwight · Pete · Jim:Pete (Plop) answers 'a horse' — Dwight: 'Ew, the exact opposite, actually.' / 'What's the opposite of a horse?' / 'Come on. It's sea horse.' / 'A sea horse.' / Dwight: 'Whoa, how did you know that I was gonna... Say that? Uncanny.'

Dwight · Clark:Clark's AARM challenge: reading a phone message aloud including 'Yuri big nose' in front of the Turkish ambassador — 'God! Besides, the whole thing is a trick question. There's no Turkish ambassador to Armenia. The two countries don't have diplomatic relations.'

Andy:Andy's confessional about other contestants' feel-good stories: 'Great. More screen time for the war vet. All you gotta do is risk your life for this country and everyone goes Gaga for you.'

Andy:Andy decides to manufacture his own feel-good story: 'They want feel-good stories? Wait till they get a good feel of me.'

Darryl · Pam:Darryl's candid assessment of Jim's life choices: 'Jim is happy here, selling paper at Dunder Mifflin?' / 'That's what he says.' / 'If you say so.'

Phyllis · Dwight:Phyllis delivers the coffee directly to Dwight: 'Here's your coffee! Ow! My skin! Ow! Ow! Aah! It burns! Aah!'

Darryl · Warehouse workers:Darryl's non-goodbye catches up with him: warehouse workers drag him upstairs; he narrates 'So, I'm going upstairs.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim reveals the AARM candidate: 'The only possible assistant to my assistant is... Me.' Dwight: 'The new assistant to the assistant to the regional manager is... Dwight K. Schrute.' Dwight kneels, then: 'The manager for Dunder Mifflin kneels for no man.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight asks Jim to kneel for the AARM investiture: 'I think you might want to kneel for this.' Jim: 'And yet, the manager for Dunder Mifflin kneels for no man.'

Dwight:Dwight's new policy: 'From now on, anyone who needs to speak to me has got to go through me first, all right?'

Kevin · Darryl · Meredith · Others:The office employees mob Darryl with requests for his final hours: one-on-one lunch at Cugino's, van time listening to Zeppelin, recording his stories for '6 or 8 or 10 hours.' Kevin wants to watch an eHow video on Excel before scheduling Darryl's 12 hours in 90-minute segments.

Creed:Creed: 'Darryl, you know, I would love to just record some of your stories, just let the tape roll for six or eight or ten hours, and just see what we get.'

Kevin · Angela:Kevin using his pen as a fidget toy during a confessional, explaining defensively: 'I'm moving the ink down in my pen, for work.' / 'Here, use my pen.' / 'Don't tell me what to do!'

Kevin:Kevin storming off: 'And you obviously don't need me. / Kevin, where are you going? / Away. / Tell Phillip that his stupid little baby wish came true.'

Dwight · Angela:Dwight and Angela discussing Phillip eating paper: 'Earlier today he tried to eat some of the 24-weight letter bond.' / 'Smart baby. That's the most flavorful bond.'

Andy · Show Host:Andy in disguise as 'Ezra Cornell': 'No, no, I'm wearing makeup. / You did a really great job. / You even look shorter. / Oh, I took out my lifts. / Yeah, unlike Andy Bernard, this character is my real height.'

Dwight · Esther:Dwight's confession of his life on the farm: 'All day long, it's moo the cows and cluck the hens. Get the sheep baa-ed. Oink the pigs. Oink the pigs, that is very important.'

Dwight · Angela:Dwight spacing out while Angela talks about farm animals, then snapping back: 'Dwight? / The way that boy looks at the Galactica is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. And he eats the same kind of paper I do.'

Dwight · Angela:Dwight introduces his 'number two' to help with the baby test: 'He's the best in the biz. Unless you think he can't handle it.' / 'Hey, he can handle it.'

Dwight · Stanley · Phillip:Dwight warns Phillip about waking the 'grumpy old walrus' — Stanley: 'I heard that.' / Mama.

Mose · Pam:Mose's credentials for baby care: 'Pam can attest, there's no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps.' Pam: 'He does have a gift.'

Dwight · Phillip:Baby Phillip chooses the beet; Dwight: 'Yeah. / Any ordinary child would have taken the money, but you're no ordinary child, are you? No. I can tell by your gorgeous, widely-set eyes.'

Andy:Andy's physical altercation with the bouncer, screaming 'I'm Casey Dean! You'll be seeing the last of me! Or — I meant you won't be seeing the last of me!'

Pam · Dwight:He just keeps spitting out the nipple. / That's because this baby is of superior intelligence. He can tell when he's being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast. / He's not that smart. He doesn't know where I hid his duck.

Judge · Andy:Show judge seeing through Andy's 'Ezra Cornell' disguise immediately: 'No, you're a middle-aged man with a lot of makeup on.'

Andy · Judge:Andy: 'Busted. Got it. Yes, all right. Tried to get your attention with tricks, but you just want to hear me sing. I respect that.' / Judge: 'We do not want to hear you sing.'

Andy · Judge:Andy's bid for sympathy: 'Slept in my car last night. Quit my job, burned all my bridges. I went to the bathroom on my boss's car. And I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern.' / Judge: 'Ugh, flag on the play.'

Andy · Judge:Andy sings the Cornell fight song 'Far Above Cayuga's Waters' to the judges. Judge: 'What is this song?' Andy: 'Are you insane? It's the Cornell fight song.'

Andy · Judge:Judge to Andy after his Cornell fight song: 'Look, man, you're not terrible but we've heard a lot of really good singers today, and you're just not good enough.' Andy: 'Wow, you guys are really mean.' / 'I guess that's the show.'

Andy · Judge:Andy crying in the judge's chair: 'You can't just sit here and cry.' / 'Oh, I can so just sit here and cry!'

Kevin:Kevin: 'Can't hear you. I'm giving you the silence treatment.' / 'How does it feel being ignored?'

Kevin · Phillip · Dwight:Dwight: 'That was a really cool move.' (about Phillip buying Kevin a gift card) / Kevin holding Phillip: 'What a chubbers. / I'm losing my balance. Whoa.'

Kevin:Kevin's assessment of friendship with Phillip: 'He's a little standoffish at first. But once he starts buying you things, man, you can tell he likes you.'

Darryl · Office Staff:We want to dance with you. / You want to dance? / One dance. All of us together.

Dwight · Jim:Dwight's marriage proposal to Angela — the business pitch format: 'She's young, she's beautiful. Genes so pure you could lick them.' / 'Her family admires me. My family tolerates hers. A lot of them are the same people because we're third cousins, which is great for bloodlines, and isn't technically incest.'

Dwight:Dwight continues his pitch to Angela: '...the two of you would move to my 1,600-acre estate, which, let's face it, is a big step up from living in a gay man's closet.'

Dwight · Jim:She weaves. Colorful, durable blankets and rugs. It all adds up. / So what is the problem? / Angela.

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'You're a good assistant, Jim.' / Jim: 'Not as good as you.' / Dwight: 'That's very true.' / 'Get the hell out of here.' / 'You got it.'

Darryl:Darryl's confessional about his goodbye dance: 'I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretends to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here.'

Oscar:Oscar's goodbye to Angela: 'She doesn't know I'm living with a straight woman. I don't want to get her hopes up.'

Dwight · Angela:Dwight's roadside proposal: 'Shut up, woman! / Listen to me! I love you! And I don't care that Phillip's not my son! I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means I can be with you!'

Dwight · Angela:Dwight: 'This expresses how loudly I love you!' / Angela: 'It's too loud.'

Dwight:Dwight's ring reintroduction: 'This is a ring taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the Gangster Patriarch of the Coors Dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.'

Angela · Dwight:Angela's reveal: 'And I lied to you. / What? / Phillip's your son.' / Dwight: 'What? Why would you say that--' / 'I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me.' / 'Get out!'

Dwight:Dwight: 'I'm a dad! You're a dad!' — screamed at Angela after the paternity reveal

Andy · Bartender:Bar scene: Andy trying to get the TV changed to PBS; bartender calls a vote; tie means 'I do nothing'; Andy pleads: 'This show is about me and my attempts to find love in all the wrong places.'

Andy:Andy's reaction to being asked how the singing audition went: 'Oh. Eh, whatever. No big deal.' (Delivered after an entire episode of epic, humiliating failure at said audition.)

Michael · Jim:The documentary premiere clip shown: 'All right, Jim, your quarterlies look very good. How are things going at the library?' / 'Oh, I told you. I couldn't close it, so--' / 'So, you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, grasshopper?' / 'Uh, actually, you called me in here.'