A.A.R.M.

Dwight:I am the only thing standing between America and complete anarchy. I protect this nation's most valuable resource. While other men waste their time with trivial pursuits, I remain vigilant, defending what truly matters. Yes, I'm talking about pa—

Dwight:A secret code is not just a luxury, it's a necessity. Without it, how do we know who belongs here and who doesn't? The KGB understood this. They had codes within codes, layers of security that would make our office look like a daycare center.

Dwight:I've installed a new security protocol. Every incorrect password attempt triggers a steam punishment.

Jim:Steam punishment? What does that even mean?

Dwight:A jet of steam shoots out from under your desk. It's a deterrent.

Jim:That's insane. That's a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Dwight:Only if you're weak. A true employee of Dunder Mifflin welcomes the steam.

Dwight:I want the steam to be as painful as possible, but I also need it to be cost-effective.

Jim:After getting steamed, I realized Dwight's punishment actually had a practical benefit.

Jim:Now I don't have to listen to him talk about beet farming all day.

Oscar:So Angela's moving in with me after the divorce.

Angela:It's temporary. Just until I get back on my feet.

Oscar:Yeah, about that... you're going to be living in the closet.

Angela:Excuse me?

Oscar:Well, I'm already out of the closet, so... you have to go in.

Oscar:That outfit is a crime against fashion. I'm calling CPS.

Dwight:This is my grandmother's ring. It has an elaborate backstory involving a buttock bullet and Coors.

Andy:It's a singing competition show where the judges are just mean to everyone. That's the whole thing. That's the unique selling point.

Dwight:A true partnership is like the alliance between Germany and Italy in World War II. Unstoppable. Efficient. Perfectly synchronized. Although, I should probably stop that analogy before I say something I regret.

Jim:So we have a meeting to plan the meeting about the meeting?

Dwight:That's called efficiency, Jim.

Jim:No, that's called a meeting about a meeting about a meeting.

Jim:We need to avoid that kind of nonsense.

Jim:I mean, we're not trying to send a fax here—we're trying to send a message.

Creed:You know, I've been around a long time. I've seen a lot of things. But nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to the way those water jugs move.

Stanley:I would never say these things if I wasn't sure that the cameras would be here to document it. The cameras have sort of prevented me from doing a lot of things I wanted to do.

Creed:You know, being filmed for this documentary, it really makes you reflect on your life. I've had a few affairs over the years, nothing to be ashamed of. And I predicted a murder once. Got the date wrong, but I was close.

Kevin:You can watch it on Netflix, or you can watch it on... well, you can't watch it on my TV because I broke it during a shrimp commercial.

Todd Packer:Yeah, well, back when they started filming this documentary, Kevin and I were having sex with women. Now we're not.

Andy:If Martin Luther King Jr. sang Les Misérables, that would be historic.

Kevin:Wait, wait, wait. Did you guys hear how she said that word? She said it all weird.

Kevin:I hate the baby.

Jim:Hey Dwight, what are you doing?

Dwight:I was just... reviewing some important documents. D.W.I.G.H.T. - Dedicated Work, Integrity, Growth, and Hustle Training.

Jim:What does PFN stand for?

Dwight:Pretty. Freaking. Ninja.

Jim:Okay.

Dwight:You just saved yourself three seconds. You're welcome.

Jim:We should settle this the medieval way. Trial by combat.

Dwight:Finally, someone talking sense.

Andy:I'm a pitch-bitch. That's what I call myself.

Andy:You know what they should call themselves? Sugar Gay! Get it? Because... because I'm gay, and my name is Andy, and... oh man, that's gold.

Pete:Why do you guys keep calling me 'Nard Dog'? That's Andy's nickname.

Jim:Yeah, well, we're kind of obligated at this point.

Dwight:Andy's been gone for months. We need a new target for our mockery.

Pete:So you're just going to keep using his nickname?

Jim:It's tradition.

Dwight:It's an acronym. A.A.R.M. Assistant to the Assistant Regional Manager.

Dwight:It sounds like 'arm.' Trademark pending.

Jim:Dwight will inevitably choose himself.

Darryl:I got no hard feelings about leaving.

Darryl:Actually, no feelings at all.

Dwight:Meredith, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and a googolplex. Guess it.

Meredith:Seven?

Dwight:No. The number is 4,729,384,729,384,729,384,729,384. I'm very disappointed in you.

Pam:Is it... bears?

Dwight:No.

Pam:Beets?

Dwight:No! Wait—are you cheating? Did Jim tell you?

Pam:No, I'm just guessing.

Dwight:This is unfair. You have a spousal advantage. I'm calling foul.

Dwight:What's the opposite of a horse?

Pete:A sea horse.

Dwight:Wow, I can't believe you got that.

Andy:You know what? I'm not bitter. I'm not. But did everyone see that Derek served in the military? Did we all catch that? Because apparently that's a big deal now. I mean, I was in a cappella group in college. A cappella! Do you know how hard it is to beatbox and hit high notes at the same time? But nobody's throwing me a parade.

Andy:Wait, I'm confused. Is this a competition or a therapy session?

Pam:Jim is really happy here at Dunder Mifflin.

Darryl:If you say so.

Phyllis:Ow! Ow!

Dwight:That's impressive. Most people would have stopped at the first obstacle.

Warehouse Worker 1:Darryl, we need to talk about you leaving.

Warehouse Worker 2:Yeah, man, this is serious.

Darryl:What? I'm a grown man. I can make my own decisions.

Warehouse Worker 1:Come on, Darryl. It's getting dark outside.

Warehouse Worker 2:Your mom's been calling. She says dinner's getting cold.

Warehouse Worker 1:And you need to come inside and do your homework.

Jim:And the winner of this year's AARM is... Dwight Schrute!

Dwight:What? I didn't even enter!

Jim:Well, apparently you won it anyway.

Dwight:This is the greatest moment of my life.

Jim:You should kneel for the ceremony.

Dwight:Kneel? I will not kneel. I am a Schrute. Schrutes do not kneel. We stand tall, with our spines straight and our hearts full of beet-fueled pride. Kneeling is for the weak, for peasants, for people who shop at regular grocery stores.

Dwight:Must go through him to reach him

Darryl:Y'all are getting a little emotional about this.

Jim:A little emotional? Darryl, we're devastated!

Pam:You're like family to us.

Darryl:It's just a transfer to the warehouse. I'm still in the building.

Kevin:Hey Darryl, you know what? We've never really hung out, just you and me. We should grab lunch sometime.

Darryl:Uh, yeah, maybe.

Kevin:No, like today. Right now. I'm gonna sit really close to you and ask you personal questions about your childhood.

Darryl:Look, I appreciate the thought, but I don't need you guys throwing me a going away party or anything.

Jim:Come on, Darryl. We want to do something for you.

Pam:Yeah, we could do lunch, karaoke, maybe a roast...

Darryl:No. Absolutely not.

Kevin:What about just a cake?

Darryl:No cake.

Oscar:Just acknowledge that you're leaving?

Darryl:Fine. You can wave goodbye. That's it. One wave. That's the activity.

Kevin:What? I'm just clicking my pen.

Angela:It's very distracting.

Kevin:Well, I need to do something with my hands.

Angela:I could help you with that.

Kevin:No, thanks. I'm good.

Kevin:This is ridiculous! I didn't start this!

Kevin:It's the baby's fault. The baby made me do it.

Creed:Yeah, that's the good stuff. Keeps you regular.

Jim:Dude, you're like three inches taller than you were yesterday.

Andy:Yeah, I'm wearing lifts.

Jim:Lifts? Like in your shoes?

Andy:Yeah, they're orthopedic.

Andy:This is what his brain-damaged Ma said

Dwight:Look at him. He's eating the paper. He's a Schrute.

Creed:You see that walrus looking thing over there? That's Stanley. He's gonna try to steal your food.

Stanley:I'm right here, Creed.

Creed:Give me the baby. I know what I'm doing.

Pam:Really?

Creed:I've been around babies before.

Dwight:A baby will instinctively choose a million dollars over a beet. It's basic human nature.

Phillip:Goo goo ga ga.

Dwight:The baby chose the beet. My son has chosen wisely.

Dwight:Look at those widely set eyes. That's a Schrute trait. Very attractive.

Andy:That's it! I'm leaving this company, and I'm never coming back!

Andy:Wait, no — I'm staying here forever and I love it!

Dwight:This baby is remarkably intelligent. Already showing signs of advanced cognitive development.

Angela:That's nice, Dwight. By the way, have you seen my duck? It's been missing for three days.

Dwight:A duck? No, I haven't seen it.

Angela:Hmm. Funny, because the baby keeps quacking.

Andy:Wait, so you don't want to hear me sing?

Andy:Because I've been practicing. A lot.

Andy:I've given up everything for this company. I've sacrificed my personal life, my dignity, my savings...

Andy:I keyed my own car to make it look like someone else did it, just to seem like a victim and get sympathy from corporate.

Andy:And I may have made some comments to the interns that, in hindsight, could be interpreted as inappropriate or potentially predatory.

Producer:You need to leave now.

Andy:No! You can't make me leave! I have the right to cry here!

Producer:That's not a right.

Andy:Yes it is! I'm an American!

Jim:Oh, the baby got Kevin a gift.

Kevin:Really? That's so thoughtful!

Jim:Yeah, it's a partially used iTunes card.

Kevin:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay, I got this. I got this.

Jim:Kevin, maybe we should—

Kevin:No, no, I'm a natural. Watch this.

Pam:Kevin, there's a cactus right—

Kevin:If this baby touches that cactus, I'm suing everyone in this office.

Kevin:When a baby gives you a gift, that's how you know it likes you. My baby gave me a half-chewed pretzel yesterday. Best day of my life.

Dwight:Angela, I promise to love you as much as Oscar loves his closet—completely, totally, and without ever coming out of it.

Angela:...

Dwight:Esther has many positive qualities. She's strong, she's hardy, she can carry a calf for nine months...

Jim:Dwight, she's a cow.

Dwight:Exactly. And she produces the freshest milk. Plus, her genes are so strong, her offspring will be superior. I've already arranged to breed her with a champion bull.

Jim:You're talking about artificial insemination?

Dwight:The bull's semen costs three hundred dollars.

Jim:That's not... that's cattle sperm, man.

Dwight:Premium cattle sperm. It's an investment in Esther's future. And mine.

Dwight:Weaving is equally important to cattle sperm.

Jim:Love outweighs rational calculation.

Dwight:Love? I thought you said lice.

Jim:No, love.

Dwight:Oh. Well, lice definitely outweighs rational calculation.

Dwight:This ring has been in my family for generations. It was forged in the fires of Mount Vesuvius by a jeweler named Giuseppe, who was also a part-time volcano monitor. The diamond came from a meteorite that landed in Schrute Farms in 1987. I witnessed it myself. The band is made from an alloy I invented that's stronger than titanium but lighter than aluminum. I call it Schrute-anium. It cost me three beets and a promise to name my first son Mose Junior.

Dwight:A son? I have a son?!

Dwight:This is the greatest day of my life. I am a father. A father!

Dwight:Phillip, come here. Come to your father.

Dwight:You have my chin. You have my strength. You will make a fine Schrute.

Andy:Hey, can we put this documentary on? It's really important to me.

Bartender:Sure, what's it about?

Andy:It's a love story.

Andy:Finally, someone's making a film about my life.