Finale

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Jim:I can't wait to see everyone at the reunion.

Pam:Yeah, it'll be great to catch up.

Jim:Yeah. Oh, by the way, we let Ryan go last month.

Pam:What? You fired Ryan?

Jim:Yeah, he kept showing up late and not doing any work.

Stanley:I'm retiring.

Michael:Stanley, that's wonderful! What will you do with all your free time?

Stanley:The same thing I've been doing for the last 12 years - whatever I want, as long as it's nowhere near this office.

Stanley:No.

Kevin:Mmm, this frosting is delicious.

Dwight:Kevin, that's not frosting. You've been terminated from your position effective immediately. As Assistant Regional Manager, it is my duty to inform you that your employment has been officially severed due to your consumption of company property without prior authorization.

Kevin:What?

Dwight:You're fired.

Dwight:Kevin's performance has been substandard. He arrives late, leaves early, and his work ethic is questionable at best.

Jim:So you're firing him?

Dwight:I haven't decided yet. I'm consulting a higher power.

Pam:What do you mean?

Dwight:I baked a cake. If the frosting falls off, Kevin is terminated. If it holds, he stays.

Ryan:That's not how firing people works.

Dwight:The cake is the arbiter of fate. Its frosting never lies.

Pam:Toby, Kevin ate the whole cake again. Can you talk to him?

Toby:Well, I think what we need to do here is have a conversation about workplace boundaries and—

Dwight:You're fired. Here's another cake.

Dwight:Goodbye, Toby. Goodbye, Toby. Everyone, everybody, Goodbye, Toby. 'Cause Toby's gotta go. He's the best boss that we've ever had, and he's gonna be missed. By God.

Toby:Well, I suppose there is one bright side to all of this.

Toby:The cake is delicious.

Jim:Biking is great. You get exercise, you save money on gas, you're helping the environment...

Jim:It's like a vasectomy for your carbon footprint.

Angela:I've found inner peace. I'm open to everyone now, without judgment.

Angela:Oh my God, Meredith, is that a flask in your desk? You're disgusting.

Angela:Meredith, your feet look like two dead animals.

Angela:Well, at least Meredith has the good sense to wear a bra that... contains things.

Dwight:The bride's side: her parents, her siblings, her bridesmaids. The groom's side: his parents, his siblings, his groomsmen. And of course, the ancient Schrute family cheese that must be presented to the couple before the vows. It's a 40-year-old block of cheddar that's been passed down through generations. If the cheese is not there, the marriage is invalid.

Dwight:We're going to rehire Devon.

Creed:You can't rehire him. He's dead.

Dwight:What? No he's not.

Creed:I killed him. It took me three months to set it up. I had to get fake IDs, drain his bank account, stage a suicide in Bali...

Dwight:Only Kevin was dumb enough to believe it

Dwight:Creed was in a band? What kind of crimes are we talking about?

Creed:Well, there was the incident with the minor...

Dwight:A minor?!

Creed:A minor chord. Completely illegal in three states.

Dwight:That's not... okay, what else?

Creed:Grand theft auto... parts. I stole a hubcap once.

Dwight:And?

Creed:Mass murder. We played a sold-out arena in Reno.

Andy:So for the bachelor party, we could rent a party bus, go to Atlantic City, maybe hit up some strip clubs...

Jim:Andy, no prostitution.

Andy:I wasn't going to suggest that!

Jim:You were absolutely about to suggest that.

Jim:What is that German wedding tradition where they break the glass?

Dwight:That's not German, that's Jewish. But yes, we have something similar. It's called Brautschtansplitting.

Jim:That's not a real word.

Dwight:It is in Germany.

Jim:Guten pranken.

Dwight:A bachelor party is a dangerous time. Strip clubs, alcohol, and the very real possibility of being kidnapped and forced into indentured servitude.

Jim:Dwight, that's not really a thing that happens.

Dwight:Not with that attitude. I've seen the movies. You go to a strip club, next thing you know you're waking up in Tijuana with a donkey and a dead body. Now, the donkey I can handle, but murder? That's where I draw the line. That's unnecessary.

Dwight:Mose is acting weird.

Jim:Weird? Mose once ate a whole wheel of cheese in the parking lot.

Andy:So I was trying to make a viral video about music theory, right? I thought I'd really strike a chord with people.

Andy:Turns out I struck the wrong kind of chord. Now everyone's just calling me 'the guy who can't play guitar.'

Andy:I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

Andy:A support group? For viral video stars? I don't think so. I'm not like those other people. I'm different. My video was actually good.

Oscar:Kevin's made up his own number. It's not a real number. And somehow his completely flawed logic worked.

Todd Packer:Yeah, I'm living in Poland now. It's great, really great.

Todd Packer:You know what? Poland's not so bad. It's like Scranton, but with worse food and more sadness.

Kelly:Ryan! Oh my God, hi!

Ryan:Kelly, hey... didn't expect to see you here.

Kelly:Yeah, well, I unfollowed you on Instagram, unfriended you on Facebook, and blocked you on Twitter, so...

Ryan:I can still see all your posts.

Kelly:What? No, you can't. I blocked you.

Ryan:I'm looking at a photo you posted twenty minutes ago.

Kelly:That's... that's not possible. I specifically—okay, well, I'm also blocking you on Instagram now.

Ryan:You're doing it right now?

Kelly:Yes. There. Done. We are officially cut off.

Ryan:Okay.

Kelly:Why are you smiling?

Ryan:You just liked my Instagram photo.

Kevin:I live in my mom's basement. She says I have to pay rent, but I told her that's not what friends do. Friends don't charge friends rent.

Kevin:That's what she said.

Andy:Wow, that's a big hug! You're like a mama grizzly bear!

Phyllis:Did you just call me a bear?

Andy:No, no, a mama grizzly bear. It's a compliment! They're very protective and strong.

Darryl:That wasn't me at the airport. But I appreciate you thinking of me. I'm 6'2", 220 pounds of pure muscle. I have the face of a young Denzel Washington. Women want me, men want to be me. So if you saw someone who looked like that, it was probably me. But it wasn't.

Pam:I've had so many medical procedures lately. Root canal, appendectomy, knee surgery...

Jim:Wait, all of those?

Pam:Yeah, I needed the time off.

Jim:Pam, you can't just make up surgeries.

Pam:I didn't make them up. They happened.

Jim:You literally just said you needed time off.

Pam:Okay, fine. They were fictional.

Jim:Okay, so I've organized the bachelor party pranks in order of excellence. I call them: Ein, Zwei, Drei.

Oscar:I'm not going to some stupid costume party. It's a regressive, gendered ritual that reduces people to tired stereotypes.

Oscar:Besides, I'm going as a sexy nurse.

Oscar:I'm telling you, I can be masculine. Watch this. Hey, why don't we go grab some beers and watch the game?

Oscar:Whaasssuuup!

Dwight:What are you doing, Jim? What's this all about?

Jim:Relax, Dwight. It's for you. For your enjoyment.

Jim:Dwight, I got you something special. I know how much you love survival tactics and tactical gear.

Dwight:Jim, what is this? You've never gotten me anything before.

Jim:Open it.

Dwight:A crossbow? A military-grade crossbow?! Jim, this is... this is the greatest gift I've ever received. Do you know how many squirrels this will... I mean, how many tactical scenarios this will help me prepare for?

Jim:I thought you'd like it.

Dwight:Like it? I love it! Finally, someone who understands me. This is better than that time Pam gave me a stapler.

Jim:Okay, so for my second numbered good prank, I'm going to switch Dwight's stapler with a stapler from the future.

Dwight:What? From the future?

Jim:Yeah, it staples things before you even ask it to.

Stranger:Oh my God, are you that guy from the video? The one who sang in the car?

Andy:Yeah, that's me.

Stranger:Dude, you were terrible.

Meredith:Me and Angela go way back. We're like best friends.

Angela:We've never spoken outside of work.

Dwight:Welcome. I'll have a Diet Coke, and can I get some wings? And some of those little weenies wrapped in the crescent roll things.

Stripper:Um, I'm not a waitress.

Dwight:No? Then why are you here? Oh my God. Oh my God!

Dwight:The breading is adequate, but the oil temperature is inconsistent. I'm detecting notes of canola with a hint of vegetable shortening. The protein itself is overcooked by approximately 12 seconds. However, the overall presentation demonstrates a fundamental understanding of fry station management.

Stripper:Hey everybody, who's getting married?

Jake:That's me!

Stripper:Well congratulations, buddy. Let me give you a lap dance.

Meredith:Wait... that's my son!

Everyone:*shocked silence*

Meredith:You're stripping? Well, that's entrepreneurship. I'm proud of you.

Jake:Mom, it's not entrepreneurship, it's—

Meredith:No, no. You're creating your own job, setting your own hours, building a client base. That's the American dream, baby.

Meredith:My son's a professional stripper now. I went to see his show last night.

Meredith:I gotta say, his technique is sloppy. He's not using his core at all. And that dismount? Amateur hour.

Meredith:You gotta really sell it. Make them feel like you're doing this just for them.

Angela:Oh my God, is he... is he thrusting more aggressively now?

Jim:You don't tip a stripper like you tip a waiter. It's completely different.

Dwight:Well, what's the standard? 15, 18, 20 percent?

Jim:No, man, you just... you put cash in their... it's not about percentages.

Dwight:So it's a flat rate? That seems inefficient.

Jim:We need to find a pub that Dwight would never visit.

Pam:Kevin's bar.

Jim:How do you know that?

Pam:Because it's a place where people actually have fun.

Kevin:Hey everyone, I'm here!

Kevin:I may not be good at math, but I can count to... one, two, three...

Kevin:Wait, how many fingers do I have again?

Dwight:This is a prank, isn't it? You're trying to get me to let my guard down so you can humiliate me.

Jim:No, Dwight, it's not a prank. I'm serious. I think we should actually try to get along.

Dwight:That's exactly what you would say if it were a prank.

Jim:I know how this looks, but I'm being genuine here. No prank.

Jim:We should bury the hatchet.

Dwight:Okay. I have a shovel in my car. How deep do you want to go? Because if we're burying a real hatchet, we need to go at least three feet so nobody accidentally digs it up.

Jim:Dwight misses Kevin so much, he's been using one of those children's magnetic hair toys to do a portrait of him.

Dwight:Kevin's work failures include: chronic lateness, substandard accounting practices, and most recently, computer contamination beyond repair.

Jim:Okay, so I've got three pranks planned for Dwight today.

Jim:Prank one: stapler in Jell-O. Classic.

Jim:Prank two: I'm gonna switch his desk nameplate with Stanley's.

Jim:And prank three...

Jim:I haven't thought of prank three yet.

Jim:But when I do, it's gonna be legendary.

Dwight:Angela can't make it to the pre-wedding gathering. She's still dealing with the aftermath of being kidnapped.

Stanley:I'm in Florida. I'm sitting on the beach. I'm drinking a Mai Tai. Suddenly I realize I'm about to die. And before I die, I want to remember as many moments from my life as I can. I close my eyes and I think of all the moments that I've had... and I realize that none of them matter.

Stanley:So I open my eyes, I look around, and I see a guy... a little farther down the beach. And he's got a phone... and he's yelling into the phone. He's like, 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE TOOK THE CAR?' And I think to myself... this guy, this guy gets it.

Andy:Yeah, so I showed up to my high school reunion, and everyone was like, 'Oh my God, Andy Bernard!' And I was like, 'Yeah, it's me!' And then someone played that auto-tuned video of my breakdown, and everyone started singing it back to me.

Kevin:Yeah, you're not famous.

Stanley:You want to know what it's like to see your life on TV? It's like watching a hot dog being made. You realize it's a hot dog, you just don't want to see how it's made.

Kelly:Jim and Pam are so cute together. I mean, if I wasn't with Ryan, I would totally be with Jim. Actually, you know what? Even though I'm with Ryan, I would still be with Jim.

Panel moderator:So Creed, now that the documentary is over, do you ever wonder what your purpose is anymore?

Creed:Every day of my life.

Meredith:Everyone always assumes I'm just some drunk. But I'll have you know I have a very respectable GPA.

Meredith:Okay, yes, I drink. A lot. But my grades were solid.

Pam:Our love is like a beautiful sonnet, each moment building on the last, creating something timeless and profound.

Andy:So we're basically Ross and Rachel?

Pam:Sure. Yeah. That works.

Erin:I'm gonna have my own room! With a bed, and a dresser, and maybe even a desk!

Erin:Do you think my dad loves me?

Joan Cusack:I do, honey. I'm your mother.

Jeff Bomondo:Hi, I'm Jeff Bomondo. I've prepared a PowerPoint presentation, a 47-page dossier with notarized references, and a DNA sample to verify my identity.

Kelly:The venue is perfect except for all the mud. Mud everywhere!

Ryan:You could just not have a wedding.

Ryan:She left me. Just packed up and went back to Florida.

Ryan:I guess that's what I get for dating someone with a baby.

Ryan:It's like... the most cliché thing that could happen.

Kelly:Ryan named his son Bert. It's so trendy.

Ryan:Actually, I named him Bert after my grandfather. He was a very important man in my life.

Kelly:Ravi's been working really hard on this project, like, he's been staying late, bringing energy, really putting himself out there...

Ravi:I appreciate that, Kelly, but I'd like to clarify—I've been focused on deliverables and meeting our team objectives.

Kelly:Yeah, that's what I said.

Angela:This is all Phyllis's fault.

Angela:Oh, I'm so sorry, Angela. You're right, that was unfair of me.

Jim:So in Germany, when a baby is born, the father has to drink a full stein of beer in one gulp to prove his strength.

Dwight:That's not true. That's not a German tradition at all.

Jim:Oh really? I thought you'd know all about German traditions.

Dwight:I do know about German traditions, and that isn't one of them.

Michael:That's what she said.

Dwight:Michael? You're back? This is... wait. Wait. Is this... is this a prank? JIM!

Jim:Got you, man.

Dwight:Unbelievable. You got me. You actually got me.

Michael:Yeah, you know what? I gotta be honest with you. That's a bad tradition. I mean, six feet deep? That seems like a lot of digging. Why not three feet? You'd be just as dead.

Dwight:The reception seating is arranged by social hierarchy. The hay bales are positioned at precise angles to maximize discomfort for those of lower status.

Dwight:If anyone complains, they sit closer to the bales. If they complain again, we move the bales closer to them. And if they complain a third time, we just throw them into the bales.

Ryan:It's probably nothing. Babies get sick all the time.

Ryan:I may have given him a peanut. But that's how they build immunity, right?

Pam:Michael's on a family plan with his phone company.

Jim:A family plan? Michael doesn't have a family.

Pam:Exactly. He's paying for four lines and using them all for himself.

Jim:That's just sad.

Pam:He said it's the closest he'll ever get to having a real family plan.

Stanley:This is a self-portrait I carved. It's me.

Toby:Kelly and Ryan have left the company. It's similar to when parents leave their children at a fire station.

Michael:You know, I think of everyone here as family. Jim and Pam are like my kids. Dwight is like my brother. Ryan is like my disappointing nephew. And that makes all the relationships here incestuous.

Ryan:No offense, but this party is lame.

Jim:Wait, you're selling the house without telling me?

Pam:Well, you didn't tell me about the job interview in New York.

Jim:That's different.

Pam:Is it though? Because I'm pretty sure buying and selling a house is slightly more important than a job interview.

Oscar:I paid $5,000 to get into this party.

Pam:Hey everyone, can we get a group photo? Just us.

Jim:What about the documentary crew?

Pam:No, just... the office people.

Dwight:That would be excluding the camera operator, the sound guy, and the producer.

Pam:Right, I know, but... just us.

Pam:I spent so many years at that reception desk, thinking my life hadn't started yet. Watching this documentary back, I realized... my life was happening. I was just too busy waiting for it to begin.

Dwight:People often misunderstand human natural. It's not something you can change.

Dwight:You're fired. Both of you. Effective immediately.

Jim:What? Why?

Dwight:Because I'm giving you both severance packages and early retirement benefits. Your financial futures are secured.

Pam:Wait, you're firing us to help us?

Dwight:That's correct. You're welcome.

Dwight:Austin? The live music capital of the world? No thanks. I prefer my music dead, like my animals—stuffed and mounted on my office wall.

Dwight:Sixth Street? I've heard the parties are wild. I don't do wild. I do structured. I do disciplined. I do beet farming.

Dwight:Barton Springs Pool? A natural spring-fed swimming hole? Absolutely not. I only swim in chlorinated water where I can see any threats coming.

Andy:So I went to Cornell, and I was in a acapella group called Here Comes Treble.

Andy:And we had this one song, and the crowd went crazy for it.

Crowd:NARD DOG! NARD DOG! NARD DOG!

Andy:You know, I've been thinking about my time here at Dunder Mifflin. And I realized something really important: you never appreciate the present moment until it's gone. These people, this job, even the mundane stuff—it all mattered. I wish I'd realized that sooner.

Kevin:I don't know why they didn't include any of my material. I've got talent. I can juggle, I can do magic tricks, I can cook. I make a mean chili. My chili has won awards.

Kevin:I'm not gay. I like women. But I also like the Home Depot. Does that make me a Home Depot?

Oscar:No, Kevin, that doesn't make you a Home Depot.

Meredith:You know, sharing my story today really meant a lot to me. It's nice to know people care.

Meredith:And if any of you ever need to talk to someone who's been through some stuff, I'm here for you. I've made a lot of mistakes, hit rock bottom a few times... if you ever need to hide alcohol in your desk, or need bail money, or want to know the best way to lie to your parole officer, you just come find me.

Pam:We were just a normal paper company. There was nothing special about us. But I think that's what made us good documentary subjects. We weren't trying to be anything we weren't. We were just... us. And maybe that's enough.