Work Bus

Oscar · Andy:Oscar: 'Is this like a blooper reel?' Andy: 'A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? Do I look like Bob Saget?'

Clark:Clark to camera: 'And I'm Clark, I like to eat toilet paper. We fail!'

Andy:Andy solemnly pauses the fail reel to memorialize Jerry from the warehouse who 'passed away this year,' then immediately cuts back to 'Well, that's all, folks!'

Oscar · Andy:Oscar: 'That was just normal video with you making vulgar noises.' Andy: 'Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar.'

Dwight · Office Staff:Dwight: 'That was not a fail!' Group responds: 'Fail! Fail! Fail!' Dwight: 'That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm.' Group: 'Fail! Fail! Fail! You're all failing right now. Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail!'

Dwight · Landlord:The landlord is measuring the office with an EMF detector and Dwight says 'It's a beehive in the wall?'

Landlord · Toby:Landlord to Toby: 'How are you not murdered every hour?'

Landlord:Landlord: 'Oh, the wires need insulation. It's a wire, people. I'm not buying it a fur coat.'

Jim:Jim confessional: He describes wanting to do 'something huge' for Pam, then compares it to protecting her from bikers in a biker bar — complete with dramatized 'Wham! You've got to go through me first!'

Andy · Dwight:Andy produces a literal hourglass when Dwight asks for a minute of his time, narrating every grain of sand with baroque language

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'I'm trying to adopt a baby.' Andy: 'A baby what?' Dwight: 'A human?'

Andy · Dwight:Andy accuses Dwight of running a 'plagiarism entrapment scheme' by asking him to sign a letter Dwight wrote himself

Andy · Dwight:Andy narrates the hourglass during Dwight's pitch: '...and those sand grains are tumbling with fury down the side of the hourglass.' Time's up mid-sentence.

Andy:Andy: 'Sure, I'll read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah, I'll sign that.'

Meredith:Meredith: 'I already ditched my uterus, and I ain't losing any more good parts!'

Stanley:Stanley: 'A week off, that'd be great.' (said as a positive response to the landlord saying the repairs would shut the office down for a week)

Erin · Pete:Erin and Pete bickering about PowerPoint: 'You're the tutorial.' 'No, dude, I'm not. I'm not the tutorial.' 'You could be.' 'Mmm-mmm.'

Jim · Pam:Jim triumphantly reveals his sabotage: he microwaved a single kernel of popcorn in the office to trigger the EMF complaint. 'You popped one kernel.' 'Awesome, right?'

Kevin:Kevin talking head: 'So Creed is that dude's stepdad?' Someone confirms. 'Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm just going to say it. I'm nervous.'

Dwight:Dwight confessional: 'I'm sorry. I'm not growing a third arm. I know what Jim is trying to do...'

Dwight:Dwight reading EMF side effects: 'Breast pain. No knobbies, no probbies. Nice try, Jim.'

Dwight:Dwight reads 'Infertility' from the EMF side effects list, then the scene cuts to a beat of silence — implying he realizes this may explain his situation with Angela's baby

Pam · Dwight · Jim:Pam asks Dwight to grab her popcorn. He refuses with 'Keep your snacks on your side, Jim, idiot.' The popcorn bag has mysteriously popped further — impossible on a new bag.

Dwight:Dwight's reaction of dawning horror to the impossible popcorn — 'Oh, my God.'

Jim · Pam:Jim's planned romantic gesture for Pam: 'I'm going to drive you up to the lake. Give you a whole week on the water, just you, me and the kids.' Pam: 'Can we stop by that pie stand on the way?'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam negotiate the pie order: 'A dozen different pies? Because that means rhubarb.' 'Why would you say that? I meant four apple, four blueberry, two cherry, one peach, one chocolate. I thought that was implied.'

Dwight:Dwight reveals a loophole: his contract requires him to provide a 'temporary workspace.' He's ordered a work bus. Cut to: commercial for the Work Bus.

Work Bus Narrator:Work Bus promo video: 'In this age of belt-tightening and less empowered workers, a work bus is how tomorrow gets things done.'

Office Staff:Someone gets on the work bus and it's comically crowded — person says 'Sorry. Oh, my God!' and someone yells 'Lose weight!'

Andy · Nellie:Nellie finds the adoption form; Andy says 'Oh, of course, you were adopted.' Nellie: 'I wish! No, I made some short lists, I had a couple of sleepovers, but I never managed to get in the end zone. I don't know what it was. Not loveable, maybe. Oh, well.'

Nellie:Nellie: '[Andy] hates me. Thinks I'm a monster. Should go back to Loch Ness.'

Oscar · Office Staff:Oscar: 'How many times do you need to take a stroll?' Unnamed character: 'My legs cramp up, okay? It's a circulation issue.' Someone: 'Boy, I will hammerspank your rear.'

Dwight · Jim · Pam:Someone spills a drink on Pam; Dwight smirks and tells Jim: 'And your woman drips with beverage.'

Dwight:Dwight to Jim after Pam gets soaked: 'You forced me to spend money on needless repairs. And now you're locked in a prison bus and your woman drips with beverage.'

Andy · Office Staff:Andy rallies the office to demand pie; the crowd chants 'Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies!' Andy responds: 'All right! The fat people have spoken!'

Andy:Andy's capitulation: 'All right! The fat people have spoken!'

Pam · Kevin · Office Staff:Someone on the bus starts a 'Shabooya Roll Call' — a rhythmic call-and-response chant — and the whole bus joins in with personalized verses.

Office Worker:Camera cut to someone taking a photo: 'Playing a little hookey from work today.' — ironic, since they're literally on a work bus

Jim · Pam:Jim: 'Why isn't he scheming? Or preparing to avenge?' Pam: 'He's fine. He's indestructible.'

Oscar · Nellie:Oscar helping Nellie with adoption form: 'Always say that a child is placed for adoption, never surrendered. We're not hostages. Although, I have considered kidnapping one. And never say that.'

Oscar · Nellie:Oscar to Nellie: 'I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five-year-old again. I would snap you up.'

Kevin:Kevin suddenly does mental math to calculate if they'll make it to the pie stand in time. 'At 55 miles an hour, that just gives us five minutes to spare!'

Dwight:Dwight reveals the bus is 'almost out of gas' and refuses to stop at a name-brand station because it's 'five cents a gallon extra. The tanks are so big on this thing, it really adds up.'

Jim · Office Staff:Jim leads the group in chanting 'What do we want? Pies! When do we want it? Pies!' — the group answers 'Pies' to both questions.

Dwight · Jim:Dwight concedes dramatically: 'You win, Jim! You win... You are the alpha male. There you go. Alpha male, go buy your wife a pie. Go buy the whole world a pie!' Jim: 'That's impossible.' Dwight: [drives away without them]

Phyllis:Phyllis, after Dwight drives away: 'Well, now I don't even feel like pie.' Beat. 'Wait. No, it's back.'

Phyllis:Phyllis, urgently: 'They're going to be out of banana cream. Banana cream is the first to go. We'll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'Is this about the popcorn, or the X on the ceiling?' Dwight: 'Dwight, that was a prank.' Jim: 'That's genius. That's the best prank you've ever done.'

Andy:Andy reads Nellie's letter and declares it 'unsignable' — 'It's inaccurate, dishonest, and in a word, dong water.'

Andy:Andy dismisses Nellie: 'You asked me to do you a favor. I did it. I read it. Thank you very much to me for my time. Good luck with your impossible dream.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight asks Jim how long it took him and Pam to conceive. Jim refuses to say. Dwight: 'What position did you use to conceive? Regular or lady-on-her-back? You used lady-on-her-back, didn't you, freak? Yuck, gross. Never mind, Jim.'

Dwight:Dwight, about Nellie crying on the bus: 'British women, famously over-emotional, am I right?'

Jim · Dwight:Jim suggests to Dwight that because he owns the building, 'everyone in it, we're all kind of like your children.' Dwight reveals: 'You know there's a phrase about that in German, bildenkinder, used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim, trying to use Dwight's own 'bildenkinder' against him: 'Now you have a bus full of real bildenkinder.' Dwight: 'Bildenkinder. Okay, and they're all dangerously close to not getting pie. And there's only one guy who can save them.' Jim: 'It's not me.' Dwight: 'I agree. Oh.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim and Dwight's exchange: 'And they're all dangerously close to not getting pie. And there's only one guy who can save them.' Dwight: 'It's not me.' Jim: 'I agree.' Dwight: 'Oh.'

Jim · Pam · Dwight:Dwight drives the bus at full speed toward the pie stand — Jim and Pam scramble. Pam says rhubarb is actually the one pie she doesn't like; Jim cuts her off: 'Don't.' She says it again. 'Don't.' 'Everybody, hang on!'

Office:The office erupts: 'Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie!' as they arrive at Laverne's

Andy:Andy has signed Nellie's letter — with modifications. He reads his addendum: 'She's tough in business, but tender with the people she cares about. She'll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents.'

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin approaches Oscar with a pie. Oscar realizes Kevin wants to get hit in the face with a pie and says so. Kevin: 'You don't have the guts, you stupid, dumb do-do face.'

Kevin · Oscar:Oscar pies Kevin in the face. Kevin's response: 'Yes!' Then: 'Oh, my God, I'm getting so stuffed.'

Jim · Dwight:Dwight and Jim moment: 'We did it.' 'You did it.'

Andy:Andy joins the Shabooya Roll Call on the bus: 'My name is Andy / I don't do drugs / Now check the style / Of Flatt and Scruggs!'

Office Staff:Final beat: Someone says 'What?' — the implicit reaction to Andy's Flatt and Scruggs verse