Robert California

Erin · Robert:Well, I woke up, and-- / Erin, when you recount your day, never say you woke up, it's a waste of your time. That's how every day has begun for everyone since the dawn of man.

Robert:Yes-- for God's sake, Andy-- yes, come in.

Robert · Andy:You read my notebook, and-- and photocopied it, and distributed it. / No. / They did, and they asked me to ask about it.

Robert:Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises... Funny how the houses are always colonials, and the penises are always circumcised, don't you think?

Andy · Robert:And by the way, I am so glad I asked. / Might as well have been sketching a cube.

Robert · Jim:The complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn't you agree? / Yeah. She does like Elmo.

Kevin · Robert:What made you pick this group? / I just think you guys are winners, and I wanted to have lunch with you. / Well, what about the other guys? Losers? Come on. / Come on, come on. / No. Well... I guess I think they're losers.

Robert:Probably shouldn't have said that.

Robert:I said 'winners' and 'losers.' Is that what you're talking about?

Robert:Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, honesty. I'll tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues, and then inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No, I do not believe in that at all.

Robert:Winners, prove me right. Losers, prove me wrong.

Robert · Andy:I'm not going to change my list, Andy, and I don't use ballpoint pens. / Well, then I will make a new list for you.

Robert:I did not know about the sales figures.

Andy · Robert:And just to show you that I'm being fair, you had Gabe in the loser column. I think that is... / Astute. Good call.

Andy · Robert:The Friday before Columbus day — we're going to take a half-day so that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend. / You want a 3 1/2 day weekend for Columbus day. / Yes, I do. / And you are aware that Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of native Americans. / I don't care.

Robert · Jim:Robert's motivational speech: 'If the office superstore was supposed to put us little suppliers out of business, why are we still here?' — followed by uncomfortable silence, then: 'Yeah. This is where we go.'

Robert:'Gretchen, I need another marmalade.'

Dwight · Robert:Robert California's grand entrance — announced by Dwight at maximum volume — 'Ladies and gentlemen, may I present... Robert California.'

Robert:Robert California's toast speech: 'You want to toast the man who led you to success, but the boss is irrelevant. Andy and I produce nothing. We do nothing. We sit in our offices and demand, like petulant children.' / 'You know the difference between a crying baby and a manager? One day the baby will grow up.'

Robert · Nellie:Is there a reason that we're excited for that little woman? / Yes, I pity her. She was recently in a situation where she could have had it all, and instead she lost everything. / Mmm. Is she a gambler? / In a way, but not in a stand-up-and-cheer kind of way, like the song.