Garden Party

Jim:Yeah, so Andy's pose on that billboard... it kind of looks like... well, let's just say there are some unfortunate phallic opportunities happening there.

Creed:That billboard is amazing!

Andy:Yeah, it's a great ad.

Creed:Ad? I'm talking about the graffiti. Someone drew 20 dongs on it. It's a masterpiece.

Dwight:No.

Dwight:No, no.

Dwight:No, no, no.

Dwight:No, no, no, no.

Dwight:No, no, no, no, no.

Dwight:When people ask me for directions, I don't give them north, south, east, west. I give them based on soil composition and fertility levels. 'Turn left at the loamy section, continue through the clay deposits, and your destination is just past the silt foundation.' It's more accurate. The compass is a government conspiracy.

Andy:Okay, so you hold the fork in your left hand and the knife in your right hand.

Darryl:So what do I do next? Tie it around my head like a blindfold?

Andy:A garden party is simply more dignified than a regular party.

Phyllis:How so?

Andy:Well, for one thing, it's quiet. There's no loud music or dancing. And everyone follows the rules.

Darryl:So basically, it sounds terrible.

Andy:I've decided we need to implement a more sophisticated dress code around here.

Stanley:I'm already wearing my current clothes.

Kevin:Who's the sausage?

Gabe:You're always brown-nosing, Andy. It's pathetic.

Andy:Well at least I'm not a vampire who feeds on the blood of innocent employees.

Gabe:Your lifestyle is like a brunch — it's neither breakfast nor lunch, it's just confused and expensive.

Dwight:That's me. I was standing in the north field that day. I remember because it was the day after the beet harvest.

Jim:How do you know what day Google Street View was taken?

Dwight:I've marked every Google Street View car that passes through Schrute Farms on a calendar. I have also prepared a statement for when they return.

Dwight:I have the only copy of this rare first edition. It's worth thousands.

Author:I've sold one copy in thirty years. Just one.

Angela:We're naming our baby Philip. After my grandfather.

Pam:Oh my god, we're naming our baby Philip too. After Jim's grandfather.

Angela:Well, I thought of it first.

Pam:No, we decided weeks ago.

Angela:That doesn't matter. Philip is a classic name. Obviously we both would pick it.

Pam:So what do you want to do?

Angela:I don't know. Maybe you could pick a different name.

Pam:Maybe YOU could pick a different name.

Andy's mother:I got you a gift! It's either a cashmere sweater or a bottle of wine.

Andy:Oh wow, thanks Mom. Either one is great.

Andy's mother:Well, which do you prefer? The sweater keeps you warm on the outside, but the wine keeps you warm on the inside. The sweater is a one-time gift, but the wine is a consumable that will eventually run out. The sweater says 'I respect your comfort,' while the wine says 'I think you have a drinking problem.'

Andy:I'll take the sweater.

Andy's mother:So you DO think you have a drinking problem.

Dwight:I am the valet. Give me your keys.

Guest:That's okay, I can park it myself.

Dwight:No. I am the valet. Your keys. Now.

Guest:Really, I don't mind—

Dwight:Keys! KEYS! Give me the keys or I will report you to the parking authority!

Guest:Wait, your car—

Dwight:I know what I'm doing.

[crash sound]

Dwight:Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Stanley Hudson and his... paramour.

Dwight:According to my book 'Schrute's Guide to Proper Etiquette,' one must announce all guests with complete honesty and transparency.

Dwight:Stanley Hudson, adulterer!

Dwight:Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Jim and Pam Halpert and their daughter, P.P. Halpert.

Jim:We're not calling her that.

Dwight:Why not? P.P. Halpert. It has a nice ring to it.

Andy:Okay everyone, let me just recite this for you: 'Napkin on your lap, food goes in your face. Use your fork and knife, sit up straight with grace. Elbows off the table, chew with your mouth closed. These are the rules of dining, as everyone knows.'

Andy's Mother:So Andy tells us he's very important at his job. He's a manager?

Jim:Well, he's a regional manager.

Andy's Father:Regional manager? That sounds prestigious.

Pam:It's... one of several regional managers.

Jim:And there's also a corporate manager above him.

Andy's Mother:Oh. So how many people report directly to Andy?

Jim:Nobody, actually. He shares his office.

Pam:With two other people.

Andy:I'm not throwing this party to impress my parents.

Andy:Unlike my brother Walter, who threw that amazing party in the Hamptons with the ice sculpture and the live band and everyone said it was the best party they'd ever been to.

Andy's Mother:We have theater tickets tonight.

Andy:Oh, that's great! What are you seeing?

Andy's Father:We're going to see the new baseball movie.

Andy:That's... not theater.

Andy's Mother:Well, it's at a theater.

Walter Jr.:So you two are married, right?

Jim:What? No, we're not married.

Pam:We're not even dating!

Erin:They literally just met today!

Jim:We've worked together for years!

Pam:I'm married to someone else!

Walter Jr.:Oh... okay then.

Dwight:According to my etiquette book, a courtly dance is mandatory at any garden party. It establishes hierarchy and demonstrates superior breeding.

Dwight:Everyone, form two lines. I will lead the minuet.

Dwight:Robert California is arrrrrriving

Andy's mother:I brought you some basil from my garden.

Andy:Mom, I said marmalade. Marmalade. How do you confuse basil with marmalade?

Andy's mother:Well, they're both green things in jars, Andrew.

Andy:One is an herb and one is a preserve! They don't even go in the same aisle!

Kevin:How did I get stuck up here?

Dwight:It's a pulley system. It's working as intended.

Andy:I'd like to make a toast. When you raise your glass and say something nice, that's a toast. And then, the other people, they raise their glasses too. It's called reciprocal toasting. You see, you toast, and then they toast back. It's a back-and-forth thing. A reciprocal situation.

Jim:I'd like to propose a toast. To Andy Bernard, who's taken on a lot of responsibility around here. Andy, you're a great guy, and I think everyone would agree that you're really stepping up as manager and—

Jim:Actually, you know what? I'm going to start over. To Robert California. The man, the myth, the legend. Robert, you came in here and you reminded us what it takes to be a real boss. Your leadership, your vision, your impeccable taste in suits. So everyone, please raise your glasses to Robert California.

Gabe:Gabe thinks Gabe should have seen this coming.

Angela:To my unborn son, Philip. May you grow up to be strong, intelligent, and morally upright.

Pam:To my Philip — my cat.

Pam:I called it first.

Angela:Oh, like when you called your car 'Princess' and then I got one and named mine 'Princess too'? Yeah, I remember that. And I remember not caring.

Ryan:I'd like to make a toast to our troops.

Ryan:Both sides.

Dwight:For entertainment, I have prepared a tableau vivant. A living picture frozen in time.

Dwight:I present to you: The Last Supper.

Robert California:I want to say something. I've been in business for a long time, and I've learned that the key to success is... well, it's not the managers. Managers are essentially decorative. We take up space, we use resources, and we accomplish very little. The real work happens despite us, not because of us. We're middle management ornaments on a corporate Christmas tree that nobody asked for.

Robert California:A baby will eventually mature and grow into a responsible adult. A manager, on the other hand, will never mature like a baby will.

Robert California:A baby cannot manage itself. It needs a manager. Similarly, an executive needs someone to change his diaper, wipe his ass, and tell him when he's been bad.

Andy:Dad, let's do a duet together!

Andy's father:Sure, son. What key?

Andy:How about E major?

Andy's father:E major? That's too high for me.

Andy:Okay, okay, D major then.

Andy's father:Still too high.

Andy:C major?

Andy's father:Still too high.

Andy:What key works for you?

Andy's father:Well, I don't sing anymore, so... none of them.

Andy:Erin, please tell me you got that on video.

Erin:Oh, I've been holding the phone up this whole time.

Andy:Great, so you have it?

Erin:I mean, I don't actually know if it's recording or not.

Andy Bernard's father:You're going to get up there and sing, or I'm going to kill you.

Andy:Dad, can I play with you?

Andy's Father:Get your own guitar.

Andy's mother:I'm so cold.

Andy's father:Well, you're outside.

Dwight:You know, I've been thinking about transitioning out of the paper business. Beet farming is where the real money is. But I need to act fast—I'm already 40. In professional sports, you're washed up by 40. Same thing with beet farming. I should've started my farming career in my twenties. Now I'm playing catch-up with guys who were out there getting their hands dirty while I was stuck in this fluorescent nightmare.

Dwight:We have three party packages. The first package includes ten goats. The second package includes twenty goats. And the third package includes thirty goats.

Dwight:Even our 'least goats' option has many goats.

Robert California:I don't want goats.

Dwight:What about llamas? Alpacas? Emus?

Robert California:No.

Dwight:It'll all be goat anyway.

Andy:Hi there, little guy! I'm Andy Bernard from Dunder Mifflin. Can I interest you in some quality paper products today?

Andy:You know what? This actually isn't my worst sales performance.

Jim:You know, Andy's like Citizen Kane. He's searching for something he lost a long time ago.

Pam:Rosebud?

Jim:His parents' approval.

Oscar:Actually, the cinematography in Citizen Kane uses deep focus to represent Kane's isolation from those around him.

Jim:No, I'm pretty sure it's just a really old movie.

Oscar:It's literally considered one of the greatest films ever made for its technical innovations.

Jim:Well, I still think it's boring. And that's a fact.

Robert California:I feel hot. I acclimate myself to Italian climates even though I've never been to Italy.

Andy:So Oscar, what's your favorite food?

Oscar:Probably sushi.

Andy:Sushi! From this moment forward, you shall be known as... Oscar the Sushi Connoisseur!

Oscar:That's not a nickname, that's just describing what I eat.

Dwight:Jim has returned for his... wallet.

Dwight:Jim has returned for his... phone charger.

Dwight:Jim has returned for his... dignity.

Dwight:Who do you think is the best salesman in this office?

Jim:I don't know, Dwight. Who?

Dwight:You are. *adjusts valet uniform* You're the best salesman here, Jim.