Lotto

Dwight:Snowboarder, it figures. Do snowboarders hate animals?

Dwight:So what, Andy? You want to just let him die, you scumbag?

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight spraying water from a bottle at the dog through the car window, not aiming well. 'Dwight, at least aim it.'

Unknown · Dwight:He's not even trying. / We're losing cloud cover.

Unknown · Dwight:Don't try to get in on it now, Michael Vick. / Hey, hey, hey. Vick did his time.

Oscar · Group:Oscar smashes the car window with a rock. The crowd cheers. 'Nice job, Oscar.' 'And one for good measure.' Oscar hits it again.

Dwight:Nein. Sitz! Gut. (Dwight commanding the dog in German)

Andy:The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday. $950,000. And then they quit. And no one else can focus.

Andy:This is it. This is all on my shoulders. I'm the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work. I'm the one who has to tell Darryl to hire a new warehouse crew. I'm the one who has to say those things.

Andy:Andy on the phone with Justine: 'No, no, no. I didn't win. When I got promoted, I stopped...' then awkward silence as he processes that he left the lottery pool when he got promoted.

Darryl:They won playing my birthday.

Jim · Dwight:We're looking at, at least one suicide and one weird sex thing. At least.

Dwight · Jim:'Hey, Pam. Let's buy expensive bathrobes and hug.' Jim's lottery fantasy mocked by Dwight.

Jim:I'd either bike to my job at the kayak shop or I'd kayak to my job at the bike shop.

Dwight:And then on the weekends, would you hacky sack back to reality and spend time with your wife and kids?

Jim · Pam:Whoa, Saucy, I thought you liked Maine. / I think we should get a townhouse in Soho. / Soho's mostly lofts, but okay.

Pam · Jim:And then my handsome husband... / Which, ideally, would be me. / Would bring me a flavored coffee. / Stop. I'm a barista in your fantasy?

Pam:Well, in your fantasy, we're Stephen King characters.

Oscar:I think I would keep working. And for my salary, I guess I would take, like, $1 a year.

Oscar:Obviously, I wouldn't come in till noon. And I wouldn't do anything I didn't want to do. / I mean, I'm getting paid $1 a year, okay? You can chill.

Andy:If I have to ask you to get back to work one more time, I'm gonna change my tone. To down here, like Mr. T. And this would get seriously annoying.

Andy · Darryl:Darryl not checking email until lunch — 'Four hour work week.' Andy: 'This is kind of time-sensitive.' Darryl: 'I got it. I'm doing it.'

Andy · Kevin · Unknown:Who's in? [for warehouse duty] / As long as you guys don't need me up here. / I think we'll be fine. / No, we don't.

Andy · Unknown:Is chivalry dead? Are you volunteering? Of course I would. But my hip... I would kill to be at 100%.

Dwight:False. Andy, I will volunteer. (Dwight)

Andy:And Kevin. Good old Kevin. He'll do anything.

Kevin:Well, guess what? I will not do a good job. (Kevin, talking head)

Kevin · Pregnant Coworker:Oh, sorry. I thought it was a guess-your-baby's-birth-weight pool. / It says 'lotto pool' right on top. / Yeah, and I said sorry. / Oh, come on. You really think I'm going to have a 14-pound baby?

Pregnant Coworker · Kevin:When did I get so fat? / You look awesome.

Darryl:They guys did invite me out to celebrate, but I decided to just stay home. Eat a bunch of tacos in my basement.

Jim:That is not Darryl. I don't know where Darryl is. I suspect, probably, our Darryl is inside of Fat Darryl.

Dwight:Negative. Three hundred boxes for me, zero for you chumps. Deal with it.

Dwight · Group:Visual gag: Dwight immediately fails/struggles with the boxes. 'Damn.' reaction from onlookers.

Andy:Welcome, everybody. My name is Andy, and this is my other brother, Darryl. / What? No Newhart fans?

Andy:One of them, Glenn, is starting one of those fat camps where he steals your kid in the middle of the night. Madge and a couple other guys might start a strip club. But on a boat. And Hide is investing in an energy drink for Asian homosexuals.

Andy:Maybe grab a coffee, or if there's any donuts out, you can split one. You know, they're for everybody, so people get fussy. You know what? Just have a donut.

Dwight:Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player, or her husband.

Darryl · Job Applicant · Andy:Why do you want to work here? / I need a job. / It's not a good reason. / Good. Keeping them honest. Don't just take the first job that comes your way. 'Cause next thing you know, it's 10 years later, and you're still there.

Andy · Darryl:You could write your obituary tomorrow. It's not going to change. / Are we scaring them straight? I hope so. / Think about this carefully. There's better lives than this one.

Darryl:I've never been lucky. And I'm not talking about the lottery. I'm talking about stuff like developing a soy allergy at 35. / Who gets a soy allergy at 35? / And why is soy in everything?

Unknown · Meredith:Can you make 10 copies of this for me? / No. / Why not? What are you doing? / Buying lottery tickets online. / Everyone wants to be rich, but nobody wants to work for it.

Andy · Job Applicant · Darryl:Is everyone licensed? / Like a driver's license? / No, warehouse license. / Masters in warehouse sciences? / I feel that Darryl has talked about a license of some kind. Is this a joke? / No. Not joking. This is real. Painfully real, what is happening right now.

Dwight:Okay, I'm not going to make it. I'm turning back.

Jim · Dwight:This is literally how they built the pyramids. / Well, they whipped people, which was helpful.

Jim · Dwight:Not that they're not smart people. / No, no, very smart... / Theirs is more of a physical intelligence. / I'd go with that. / Like baboons or elephants. / Not that, don't...

Kevin:When I was a kid, my sisters used to butter me up and slide me across the linoleum floor of the kitchen. It really made them laugh.

Jim · Dwight:It's a great idea, Kev. I don't think it applies here, though. / You need to drop it, okay? They hate it. I like it a lot, but they hate it, so drop it.

Andy:Does anyone get distracted easily by bubble wrap?

Darryl · Andy:Then I think you should fire me. / What are you talking about? I'm not going to fire you. / Yeah, just put me out of my misery.

Andy:So Darryl says to me 'fire me,' but what he really means is 'I'm going to say something really weird, try and figure out what it means.' So I say 'No, you're not fired.' But what I really mean is 'I've no idea what you're talking about, but I'm going to go ahead and hire some people for the warehouse and hope that you eventually start feeling better.' / I really hope that's what he and I mean.

Kevin · Oscar:Come on, Oscar. Who's the most jacked guy in all of Scranton? Like your wildest fantasy guy? / Bulk or definition?

Oscar:It used to be Reggie Winters out at Gold's Gym. But he moved away. And then it was between Bruce and this guy, Dean. But Dean got fixated on his calves, and his triceps went to hell.

Jim · Pam:So, I've been thinking, after we win the lottery, we take our winnings... / Our fake winnings. / And we move to the South of France. / See... No, there's plenty of bicycling for you. I think that's where they do the Tour de France. / It is, yeah. / I mean, I just don't know why I'm compromising if it's my fantasy. / Because in my fantasy, it's Maine, and you love it. / Because I'm never going to act like that, even in your fantasy. / Nope, you're doing a great job of it in my fantasy right now.

Unknown · Unknown:Hey, idiot, what did Erin want again? / A hot chocolate tea.

Andy:Andy calls out to someone: 'Hey, idiot, what did Erin want again?' Person answers: 'A hot chocolate tea.'

Gideon:Also, FYI, I don't technically have a hearing problem. But sometimes, when there's a lot of noises occurring at the same time, I'll hear them as one big jumble. Again, it's not that I can't hear. Because that's false, I can. Um, I just can't distinguish between everything I'm hearing.

Andy · Job Applicant:You, coolest tank top I have ever seen. Where did you get that? / Made it.

Andy:What a cross section we have here. It's what I love about interviewing. I get to meet all these people I wouldn't ordinarily meet, or know or even talk to.

Andy · Kevin:Message in a Bottle, The Postman... / Kevin Costner. / Kevin Costner, yeah.

Kevin · Jim · Dwight:So I found this grease. And then I remembered that you thought it was a great idea. You did say it was a great idea. I heard you say it. / So it's not the dumbest idea. / It's not the greatest one... But the fact remains, we gotta move these boxes. And it's clear we're not going to carry them.

Unknown · Dwight:Jim? Is he okay? He'll be fine. (Jim apparently injured during the grease experiment)

Darryl · Andy:Make me manager or fire me. / I'm not going to give you my job. It's my job! I earned it! / And here's the thing. You weren't even next in line. I asked about you. I saw your file. You have a history of being short with people, and you hired Glenn, your buddy, to replace you in the warehouse. He was under-qualified. They saw that.

Nate · Darryl:Also, Darryl, FYI, I already told this to Andy, but you should probably know I technically don't have a hearing problem. It's just when there's a lot of noises... / Nate. Please. / Thank you.

Darryl · Andy:He died. / He didn't die, his brain died. And my brain is still very much alive.

Andy · Darryl · Unknown Interjector:And I'd be happy to give you business classes. How come you haven't asked me about it? / What was... What was the last... I'm having a... / No part of this has anything to do with you.

Andy · Darryl:I didn't have time because of my daughter. But you had time for a softball clinic. And a Mediterranean cooking class. / Hey, I'm not going to tell you this stuff if you're going to throw it back in my face!

Darryl:My future's not going to be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It's going to be determined by two big black balls. I control my destiny. I do.

Jim:Okay, Darryl. Listen, and then you will understand. The boxes were ruined during our first trial testing. So now it's cool, 'cause we found another use for them.

Jim · Dwight · Andy:And we did. / I don't know. / Jim, tell them what it's called. / That's all right. / No, Jim, tell them what the name is. / Doesn't matter what the name is. / Señor Loadenstein, that's stupid. / Señor Loadenstein.

Dwight · Jim:Tell them why it's called Señor Loadenstein, Jim. / That's okay, we're good. / No, Jim, tell us why it's called Señor Loadenstein. / Porque es muy rápido.

Andy:Yeah. I lost my client.

Toby:I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A, baby. And as backup, I have a Swiss passport.

Jim · Pam:We came to an agreement. We're going to live in a stunning pre-war brownstone at the top of a mountain. Right, it's city and country combined. Just a subway stop away are the best museums in the world. And I can fish right from the window of Pam's pottery studio. / We can chat any time we want. Just like now.

Jim" or "Pam:It's too bad the schools are terrible, but what are you going to do about that? What are you going to do?