Family Ties

Michael:Wow! Look at the beak on that bird.

Michael:Yeah, but that was retard... misguided.

Tobias:Oh, there's the woman I'm sexually attracted to.

Tobias:Lindsay and I are planning a night of heterosexual intercourse.

Lindsay:You can just say intercourse.

Tobias · Lindsay:The extended sex-postponement negotiation: seven or eight days → couple of weeks → three weeks → a month → start of next month → 31-day month, even though this particular month has 30 days.

Tobias · Lindsay:Oh, you know what? I've already prepared a list of 'won'ts.' / Oh, you're not going to believe this. My list of 'can'ts.'

Narrator · George Michael · Tobias · Lindsay:Marital love can be so romantic. / What's that supposed to mean? / What? / Marital love. You were looking right at me, and you said 'marital love.'

George Michael · Narrator:We're married? / ...was, in fact, as real and binding as the rice pudding the disoriented patients had thrown at them.

George Michael · Tobias or Lindsay:Oh. Oh, of course. They're married, too. / Each other.

Gob:Oh, please. Pity the fool who gives me a bunch of jibber-jabber about romance.

Gob · Narrator:If someone was always asking you to embrace the Holy Trinity, what would you think they meant? / Gob thought it meant a three-way.

Gob:What? I thought that's what all you guys lived for.

Gob · Michael:The... something of my ways. / Wisdom? / It's probably wisdom.

Maeby · George Michael:You mean we're married? / No. It's just a piece of paper. It doesn't mean anything. / We should shred it. / It's creeping me out. / Yeah. Me... / But, if we just put it over the dresser, like we think it's a joke, and we would always know... / It is a joke. / I know. Unless we get it framed.

Michael · Lucille:I actually meant Lindsay and Nellie. / You call him that, too? / It's so nice to be able to talk like this.

Employee · George Sr. · Narrator:So, when do we get to see our new, fancy office? / Soon as you get your new, fancy job. / You're all fired.

George Sr.:No, the prosecution is going to want to have access to the hard drive, so I just want to make sure everything is nice and clean for them.

George Sr.:Oh, well, excuse me, Judge Reinhold, but I am trying to protect my family.

Michael · George Sr.:That's not a real gold necklace, is it? / Well, it wasn't really your 50th birthday.

Michael · George Sr.:It's bad enough you got Buster faking a coma just so he doesn't have to testify. / I've been trying to get him out of that coma. It's costing us a fortune. He's sleeping us dry.

George Sr. · Buster:Okay, faker, I'm cutting the cord. / I'll see you at the snack machine.

Narrator · Buster's Nurse:She found his complete lack of personality and movement enchanting. / I wish you would say something. Of course, if you did, everything would be ruined 'cause you wouldn't be as pure.

Michael · George Sr.:Not a Nick or a Nellie? / Just the one who married Lindsay.

George Sr.:Oh, it isn't fun to talk like this?

Michael · Employee Tom:Like Tom here. / I'm 30.

Michael:Michael sees 'Nellie' file on the old computer and then 'Gob's Program' listed before it.

Tobias · Michael:K-Y Pro, huh? / Hey, don't get any moisture on these bab...

Michael · Tobias:Kind of remember these being faster, you know? / Yeah, well, we were probably all so jacked up on amyl and disco music, we didn't notice.

Tobias · Michael:I was hoping to have a jaw session with you. / Well, why don't we just say — as long as that means a talk.

Tobias · Michael:I find myself attracted to someone who is not my wife. / What's her name? / Michael. / Can you believe it? / You're married to my sister.

Tobias · Michael:Don't you think I know that?! / I-I'm not interested in you that way. / What way? / Pick one.

Tobias:Interesting that your mind went there, though.

Tobias:I'm afraid the Michael I'm talking about is all lady.

Tobias:I'll tell you, if I wasn't so dripping and disgustingly sweaty right now, I'd hop over this desk and give you such a hug.

Michael · Tobias:Hey, coulda, shoulda, woulda. Hey, hey. No, no. Ooh, look, number's up. / Well, it would've been a seven.

Rep. John Van Heusen:I believe death is wrong in all of its forms. Except lethal injection, but that's just as a deterrent against more death.

Lucille:Dignity? Easy for you to say — I'm the one who has to loofah his stump.

Rep. Van Heusen:That is unless, of course, it's as a penalty in a three-strike scenario.

Lucille:No one's called him Baby Buster since high school.

Narrator:She grew into the nose.

Michael · Nellie · Narrator:Michael and Nellie bond over an elaborate, boring locker story that goes nowhere — the narrator cuts away to check on other characters.

Narrator:Nellie was just a great listener. / Most prostitutes are.

Michael · Nellie · Narrator:How did you get into this line of work? / Well, I was buried in loan debt from business school, so I started whoring myself out. / Not that there weren't clues.

Michael:You'd be filling, like, three openings.

Nellie:Oh. I heard there were a couple of girls like me consulting over at Enron.

Michael · Nellie:She's absolutely amazing at that stuff, right? / You do do finances and stuff, right? / I do all sorts of scenes.

Michael:Don't be afraid to put her in any position that you want, okay?

Nellie:We're gonna have some ground rules first, okay? No (bleep)(bleep)(bleep) or (bleep). And no (bleep) unless you're wearing a (bleep) or you (bleep)(bleep) me. If this winds up on the Web, I will (bleep) you in the (bleep).

Employee:Our computers don't even work on the Internet.

George Michael · Maeby:Hey, I thought tonight we could pop in (bleep) in the old DVD player and sit and watch it maybe just the two of us, husband and wife? / I'm just kidding. / The State of California isn't, but... / You know, that's what makes it funny.

Maeby · George Michael:What the hell is that? / I bought you a weddingring... tone.

George Michael:Opposite of serious.

Narrator:Nellie has blown them all away.

Michael · Lindsay:She's a little bit more like me. / It's like we finish each other's... / Sandwiches? / Sentences. / Why would I say...? / Sandwiches? / That time I was going to say sandwiches.

Michael:No, you'd just go out and you'd just whore it up, Lindsay, you know?

Lindsay · Michael:So I guess you haven't told Nellie what you're thinking. / No, I have not. I've been waiting for the right time.

Michael · Franklin:she's got this old boss that's claiming he wants a percentage. / Yo, man, you owe me money. / I ain't no dummy. / It better be soon or you're going to feel my hand up your (bleep).

Lindsay · Michael:That's funny. I'm going out tonight for drinks, too, with an exciting new man. / Really trying to make that marriage work, aren't you?

Lindsay:Well, excuse me, Judge Reinhold, but I'm feeling a little pressure here. I mean, if you had to have sex with Tobias in four months, you'd be shopping for a way out, too.

Michael:I stand corrected. / And disgusted.

Tobias:Oh, it's Tobias. Michael, look, this has got to stop. I mean, flattered? Yes. Interested? Not tonight.

Tobias:It was her idea. She wanted to get a drink. I know it's crazy. I mean, I'm married. And the carbs!

Tobias · Michael:That's why sometimes life is about making difficult... / Sandwiches. I know.

Tobias:You read my mind.

Michael · Tobias:Next to that guy? / What guy? / That guy. / No, that's her. / Him? / That's a girl.

Michael:I think the name 'Michael' is making you look for a man.

Tobias:So nice to meet you, girl Michael.

Nellie · Michael:There's no denying that there's a heat between us. / I'd like to deny that. / I know you feel it, too. / This burning desire. / I-I-I don't feel anything. I feel a burning mutual respect.

Nellie · Michael:I've got an outfit that's going to turn that respect into something fun. / Respect is fun.

Michael · Franklin/Gob:You want to be her pimp? / You got to settle up. / Pimp? You mean that she's...? / A lady of the evening. Working girl. / She turns illusions for money... / ...tricks.

Michael · Narrator:Franklin is Frank? / Mr. F.

Gob · Michael · Gob:Maybe we can give him a family discount. / Family discount is right, Gob. This is the sister that I've been talking about. / Maybe I should have been getting a family rate.

Michael · Gob · Nellie · Gob:How do you know her? / Met up with her after a show. / And you did things with her? / He didn't. / I did. / Well, if you consider crying like a girl doing something.

Gob · Nellie · Franklin:I just want my brother to respect me, you know? / I mean, I don't even have a job. / Look, I could use a man's voice on the phone. / And I like your little puppet show. / I ain't so little when I take my pants off, lady.

Michael:Honestly I'd take some of the cry out of that.

Gob · Michael:But I am not a pimp, Michael. She needed protection. So I make some threats, wear this hat, and I collect my ten percent. / Yeah, that's a pimp.

Gob:No, I think that's going to be something big.

Lindsay · Tobias · Nellie:Michael. / Oh, my God, my husband! / Oh, my God, my wife! / Are you two here for each other?

Lindsay · Tobias · Nellie:- How dare you?! - How dare you?! / - And with another woman! - And with another man! / Wait, wait. You didn't plan this together?

Tobias:I just assumed you wanted a Holy Trinity.

Lindsay · Tobias:Absolutely not! / We're a happily married couple. / Yes, who happen to be very much in love with each other.

Nellie:Well, you're still going to have to pay Frank.

Michael · George Sr.:I know who N. Bluth is. It is Nellie. And I found her. / That's your sissy cousin Larry. Even then we knew. That's why we called him 'Nellie.' Do you not know that expression, Michael? I thought we were on the same page here.

Michael · George Sr.:She's not my sister. / I let her into the company. / You didn't give her access to the cash, did you? / She said she liked me. / She's a prostitute! That's her job!

George Sr.:I just want my brother to envy my money, but he's got that hair. / Why can't I have hair and money and him nothing?

Michael · George Sr.:What? The N. Bluth account? That is your account? / Maybe. / But it's only embezzlement if you spend it outside the company.

George Sr. · Michael · George Sr. · Michael:She got to it. / Well, there goes the company. / Okay, now, hold on now. Let's not panic because I-I know someone who can find her. His name is Frank. / That's Gob's puppet.

George Sr.:I'm going to prison.

Michael · George Sr.:You haven't heard from Oscar lately, have you? / No. / Okay.

Michael · Ted:Hey, Ted, what's going on? / Nellie got all of us our checks and these great new computers and have you been...?

Michael · Nellie:What did you do with these guys, exactly? / They mostly just cried.

Nellie:You've got a real morale problem here.

Michael:Well, the fact that you didn't steal it might actually be proof that you're not [my sister].

Nellie · Michael:I make 300 grand a year. / Marry me.

Nellie:It's weird on so many levels.

Gob:I've seen a sign. / And I want to make this work. / A committed relationship that actually means something. / How about you? You want to do just the two of us? [ON NEXT episode preview]

Doctor · Buster:Buster in fake coma — doctor works to revive him dramatically / 'Don't you die. Don't you die on me.'