With the company in dire financial straits and the Bluths no longer the primary shareholders, Michael must turn to old family friend "Uncle" Jack Dorso for financial assistance. Uncle Jack, however, wants something in return.
Ninety-four-point Humor Index built on relentless character comedy and absurdist chaos—pure density.
Directed by Paul Feig · Written by Mitchell Hurwitz, Jim Vallely
WAR
131.8
Wins Above Replacement
“Ready, Aim, Marry Me” ranks #42 of 84 Arrested Development episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 95.1 — Elite. The episode packs 85 scored jokes at 3.0 per minute, averaging 7.7 on craft and 7.4 on impact, with Michael landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
Get weekly comedy rankings
Join comedy fans getting new analyses, score drops, and the funniest moments each week. Free, no spam.
Top Jokes
Tobias · Narrator: Tape: 'I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks, so to speak.' Tobias finally realizes something is wrong. Narrator: 'And he realizes there is something distinct about the way he speaks.' Tobias: 'Tobias, you blowhard!'
George Sr. · Narrator: George Sr. gets himself wedged under the furnace chasing a sour ball that rolled out of his pocket.
Tobias: Tobias: 'I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will. So now I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.'
Tobias Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Michael · Narrator: Michael offers his sister to Jack Dorso for money. Narrator: 'Michael was torn. The business meant the world to him, but his sister's honor — ' Michael: 'Let's do it. Let's go share the good news.'
Tobias · Michael: Lucille! Lindsay? / Wait, wait, wait. Lindsay's here? With two men? / Sort of one and a half.
All Jokes — 85 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Michael: What tipped you? The falling profits or that we're a regular feature on Bill O'Reilly's 'Most Ridiculous Item of the Day'?
Lucille · Michael: Lucille calls Lucille 2 'that bitch!' and Michael corrects her: 'You're not at home, Mom. She doesn't live next door when you're here.'
Lucille · Michael: Lucille: 'She's trying to prove she's closer to my children than I am — but the joke's on her, because she doesn't know how little I care for Gob.' Michael: 'Think that makes the joke on Gob.'
George Michael · Michael: George Michael asks if 'Gangy' had an accident, visibly concerned; Michael reassures him it was just her drink.
Michael · Narrator: Michael tells George Michael the Valentine's basket is 'for us' — narrator immediately cuts to Michael at Sitwell Enterprises trying to set up a date with Sally.
Michael · Stan Sitwell · Narrator: Michael at Sitwell's: 'This is not for her. It's for my son. Just don't tell her I came by.' — The narrator reveals Michael was actually talking to Sally's father the whole time.
Stan Sitwell: Stan Sitwell: 'I look like Edgar Winter. Forget it. I gotta get to spin class.'
George Michael · Michael: George Michael finds Kama Sutra oil in the Valentine's basket. Michael: '[Clicks Tongue] Maybe it's not for us.'
Tobias: Tobias: 'I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will. So now I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.'
Tobias Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Michael: Michael: 'It's just — there are so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.'
Michael Deadpan/Understatement Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Tobias · Attendant: Tobias goes to check out the romance package alone: finds body chocolate, moans, 'It's a wonderful package. I'll take it.' Attendant: 'You just did.'
Tobias: Tobias imagines Lucille shrieking 'Where's Tobias?' and narrates: 'Oh, he's just sharing a romantic horseback ride with Michael Bluth and they're dipping each other in—'
Tobias Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Tobias: Tobias: 'You can zing your arrow into my buttocks anytime.'
Tobias Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Michael: Michael: 'Buy yourself a tape recorder. Record yourself for a whole day. I think you're gonna be surprised at some of your phrasing.'
Michael Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch George Sr.: George Sr. emerges from somewhere and says 'Butterscotch! Want a lick?' — implying he has a butterscotch candy.
Lindsay · Gob · Michael: Lindsay imitates a chicken at Michael for being too scared to ask Sally Sitwell on a date. Then Gob joins in. Then they're both doing chicken impressions at Michael.
Lindsay · Michael: Oh. I have to go with Tobias? / Lindsay, your husband really wants this to work. / Come on. Let me play Cupid this year. / I thought he went already.
Gob: Gob: 'I'm playing the part of the gigolo so that she'll keep the company afloat.'
Gob Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm George Sr. · Narrator: George Sr. gets himself wedged under the furnace chasing a sour ball that rolled out of his pocket.
Gob · Lindsay: Hey, I'm— [Bleeps] Lucille 2. / Oh. I could do something like that.
George Sr. · Michael: George Sr.: 'I think the answer to this problem is money. This may just be me having my head against a hundred-degree furnace for an hour, but maybe we should bring in Jack Dorso.'
Narrator · Jack Dorso: The Jack Dorso origin story: radio/film serial 'Red McGibbon and Bullet: Nazi Hunters.' Bullet's catchphrase is 'Shoot me!' which everyone literally does — glass shatters, gunshot sounds.
Jack Dorso / Bullet: [Bullet On Radio] Happy Valentine's Day, Nazis.
Narrator: The narrator explains the audience wasn't ready to accept Bullet as a romantic lead 'despite his powerful upper body.'
Jack Dorso · Narrator: Jack Dorso's annual birthday feat of strength: 'Five pounds for each year of my life.' He loses the use of his legs on his 70th birthday — 'Release!' [Cracking] 'Too much!'
George Sr.: George Sr.: 'See if you can talk your mother into taking another bullet for the Bluth family.'
Lucille: Lucille: 'Buster. Nice of you to take a break from that common whore you've been dating.'
Lucille Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Buster: Buster defends Starla: 'She is not a whore, Mother. She's the new secretary of the Bluth Company. And yes, she's more experienced than a normal girl. But sometimes love should be terrifying.'
Buster Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Buster · Narrator: Buster has been using his 'army stealth training' to sneak in and out of Lucille 2's apartment — hiding behind doors, grunting 'Makin' that love.'
Buster: Buster: 'Lucille 2's not a "B," Mother. She's kind, and she's caring, and she's certainly less experienced than that whore that I'm dating now.'
Buster Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Narrator · Buster: Narrator: 'And perhaps it was screaming it out loud that made Buster realize that he missed Lucille 2.'
Jack Dorso: Jack Dorso announces himself by shouting from offscreen: 'Someone order 140 pounds of upper-body strength?'
Lucille · Jack Dorso · Michael: Well, he certainly sounds vital to me. / [Shouting] Walk, Dragon! Walk! / Enter the room! / He's half deaf. It was a stupid, stupid hire.
Lucille · Dragon · Narrator: Jack Dorso is announced as 'half deaf.' Lucille says it was 'a stupid, stupid hire.' Dragon mishears 'higher' and positions himself at eye level.
Jack Dorso · Dragon: Jack Dorso gestures at the bridge mix: 'To the nuts!' Dragon brings him to face level with the bowl. 'The bridge mix! The bridge mix! Fool!'
Jack Dorso · Buster: Jack mistakes Buster for a war veteran and pins him with a surprise wrestling move, declaring 'I pinned him. I pinned the army man. God bless you for being in the army.'
Jack Dorso · Buster: Is this the boy? Is this the little one? My God, you're an army man. / Well— [Chuckles] / I was never in the army. I was in the pictures.
Jack Dorso · Lucille: Jack sees Lucille (Sr.) and confuses her with Lucille 2, then is corrected. 'You look younger than you did the day I—' [Screams]
Lucille · Jack Dorso: Remember me? / Lucille. You look younger than you did the day l— / Oh, you old fool. I'm Lucille. / [Screams]
Jack Dorso · Lucille: Jack insists Lucille go 'back to the blonde. Back to the blonde.' — Apparently he has a physical preference from their past.
Michael · George Michael: Jack makes a gobbling noise and Michael comments 'He's kind of scary, that guy, huh?' George Michael: 'Not to me. I think he's kind of cool.'
Michael · George Michael · Jack Dorso · Dragon: Michael: 'Well, why don't you go get your kiss from Mr. Cool Half-Man?' George Michael: 'I'd be fine with that.' — Then he goes over and Jack is shaken by Dragon and begins gurgling uncontrollably.
Jack Dorso: Ignore it. Just something the body does when you're shaken. [Gurgles] / Don't shake it! Don't shake it! / Towel! / Not the good ones!
Lindsay · Lucille: Lindsay: 'Boy, that Dragon's cute, huh?' Lucille: 'What, the deaf giant who's holding our fake uncle?'
Lindsay: Lindsay: '...which would be a drag. [Snickers] Yeah, that's just the kind of joke Drag can't hear.'
Lindsay Wordplay/Pun Meta/Self-Referential Lindsay · Michael: Lindsay admits she never went to Sitwell as Michael asked. Michael: 'I give you one thing to do for the business, and you can't even do it.' Lindsay: 'I mean, if you'd tried and failed, I'd understand, but you didn't even try.' 'So I didn't even fail, and I don't see you giving me credit for that.'
Jack Dorso · Michael · Dragon: Jack Dorso is perched on the edge of the building's balcony. Michael: 'Do you think you should be perched on the edge of the building like this?' Jack: 'Oh, Dragon's got me.' Dragon is in the bathroom.
Jack Dorso: Jack describes Lindsay giving him 'the cutie eye.' 'Unfortunately that moose was holding me, so I couldn't make my move... Of course, I couldn't make that move without that moose, but that's my challenge.'
Jack Dorso: Unfortunately that moose was holding me, so I couldn't make my move. / Of course I couldn't make that move without that moose, but that's my challenge.
Jack Dorso: Jack Dorso: 'I won't go wheelchair!'
Michael · Narrator: Michael offers his sister to Jack Dorso for money. Narrator: 'Michael was torn. The business meant the world to him, but his sister's honor — ' Michael: 'Let's do it. Let's go share the good news.'
Narrator: Narrator: 'Michael had offered his sister to his UncleJack in exchange for money to save the company. Remember, it's not their real uncle.'
Narrator Running Gag Meta/Self-Referential Callback Michael: [Inhales] He said he'd like to sleep on it.
Michael Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Narrator: [Narrator] Meanwhile, Buster had decided to pursue a new girlfriend: His old girlfriend.
Narrator Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm Buster · Gob: I'm keeping an eye on the woman who controls our company. / In her robe and slippies?
Gob · Buster: Buster: 'But I've lost her trail, and I don't think I have the skills to pick it up.' / Gob: 'Skills?' [grunts; demonstrates army moves]
George Sr. · Michael: George Sr.: 'You are pimping out your sister?' Michael: 'You were pimping out my mother.' George Sr.: 'Yes, because she was sleeping with my brother, but your sister?'
George Sr. · Michael: You are pimping out your sister? / You were pimping out my mother. / Yes, because she was sleeping with my brother, but your sister?
Michael · Tobias: Michael: 'I just screwed my brother-in-law.' Tobias appears: 'Well, I'm all grown up now.'
Jeff · Michael: At the Four Seas Hotel, the horse coordinator Jeff monologues to Michael about the horse experience and juice: 'You'll meet him again at the end. Plus, he gets you your juice. Not your first juice, but the one you get at the spa.' Michael: 'That's right. You've done this before.' Jeff: 'But not with a lovely lady. Jeff doubts one's coming at all, don't you? Sorry. Sorry.'
Tobias: Tobias on horseback: 'You certainly didn't help with my reputation as a lady's man with Jeff. But we'll clear all that up in the spa when I get my facial.'
Tobias Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Michael · Tobias: Michael: 'Hey, did you ever get that tape recorder?' Tobias: '[Chuckles] You're funny. Come on, boy. Hoo-cha-cha!'
Jack Dorso · Dragon: Jack Dorso: 'It's nice to do something you don't need legs for.' [Then he and Dragon fall off the horse with a massive splash/gurgling sound]
Narrator · Stan Sitwell: Narrator: 'Lucille 2 showed up with Stan Sitwell, who did look a little like Edgar Winter.'
Stan Sitwell · Attendant: The body chocolate callback: the attendant offers body chocolate to each couple in succession. Stan Sitwell: 'No.'
Narrator · Jack Dorso: The narrator notes the spa jets proved too powerful for Uncle Jack's tiny legs.
Tobias · Michael: Tobias: 'Perhaps I should buy you that tape recorder. Do you have any idea how often you say the word 'afraid'?' Michael: 'Well, I know I used it in the Jacuzzi. And I apologize for that. I thought it was a pool toy.'
Tobias · Michael: Tobias psychoanalyzes Michael: Michael makes up 'imaginary problems like this merger' because he's afraid to ask Sally out and say 'No.' Michael: 'You're probably right — about me being afraid of the word 'No,' but the merger's real.'
Gob · Buster: Buster and Gob, following Lucille 2, lost track of her because 'everyone put on white robes and outsmarted us.'
Gob Buster Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Tobias · Michael: Lucille! Lindsay? / Wait, wait, wait. Lindsay's here? With two men? / Sort of one and a half.
Michael · Tobias · Lucille 2: In the robe confusion, Michael doesn't recognize Lucille 2 and says 'And, miss, I don't know your name' — then Tobias appears and reveals Lucille 2 is there.
Michael: Sitwell and Lucille 2 at the spa together. Michael: 'Romantic? So the company isn't being taken over... so Lindsay doesn't have to be with Uncle Jack?'
Michael · Gob · Buster: Gob's defense of Lucille 2 leads to a confrontation. Michael: 'She's my girlfriend, pal. Take him down, Buster.' Gob: 'Your girlfriend? That's why you were in her robe and slippies. You weren't trying to get into her head. You were trying to get into her... robe and slippies.'
Gob · Lucille 2 · Jack Dorso: Full spa brawl erupts. Lucille 2 reveals she's with Bullet (Jack Dorso), not Sitwell. Gob: 'She's not with him. She's with the Bullet.'
Jack Dorso: Jack Dorso: 'But if you want a fight, you got it. Shoot me!' — in the context of a spa brawl, where no one shoots him.
Jack Dorso Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Lucille 2: Lucille 2: 'Stop it! Stop it! Look, I wasn't trying to sell your company, but I am now.'
Michael · Gob: Michael: 'I'm gonna try and lowball her.' Gob: 'Not while we're around.' — suggesting they'll somehow prevent a lowball offer.
Tobias: Tobias: 'I had no idea a 90-year-old man could cave in my chest cavity like that.'
Tobias Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Lindsay · Dragon · Tobias: Lindsay: 'Dragon, would you mind carrying my husband to the car?' — Dragon immediately snaps a rib.
Dragon · Tobias: Dragon: 'I think I snapped one of his ribs.' Tobias: 'No. It's my leg.' Dragon: 'I'll bet that would hurt.'
Jack Dorso · Michael: Jack: 'I guess the deal's off now, now that I actually need you to help us out?' Michael. Jack: 'I'll make you a deal. You carry me, and I'll carry you.' Michael: 'Thanks, Uncle Jack.'
Jack Dorso: I'll make you a deal. You carry me, and I'll carry you.
Jack Dorso Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Jack Dorso · Michael · Tobias: Jack examines Tobias's leg injury using duct tape. Michael: 'I think this duct tape is the only thing that's keeping the ankle on.' Jack: 'Oh. Right around there. Oh. I think you're right inside me now.'
Tobias: TAG: Tobias listens to his tape recorder. Tape: 'Even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.' Tobias: 'Nothing wrong with that.' Tape: 'I've been in the film business for a while but I just can't seem to get one in the can.'
Tobias Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Tobias · Narrator: Tape: 'I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks, so to speak.' Tobias finally realizes something is wrong. Narrator: 'And he realizes there is something distinct about the way he speaks.' Tobias: 'Tobias, you blowhard!'
Top Episodes — Arrested Development
