Sliding Doors

Radio Announcer:News radio reports 'The New York City Snipper' is snipping women's ponytails

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana calls Abbi 'ma'am' after the subway chaos

Unknown Subway Character:'Donald Trump will be president!'

Abbi · Ilana · Robert:The F Train is suspended — the two strangers (Abbi and Ilana) and a third man all introduce themselves formally amid subway chaos

Abbi:Abbi: 'I forgot to lock up last night, so then I was supposed to get there five minutes early this morning to fake lock up.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Best thing to do right now is to smoke a lot of pot.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I was just gonna go to Bed, Bath and Beyond, but I could definitely do that high.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Yeah, I thought that's what you meant.' (re: 'I could smoke you up')

Abbi · Street Performer:Abbi gets kicked in the face by a street performer (inferred: she reacts physically, clutches face, gets offered the day's earnings)

Street Performer:Street Performer: 'I'm just a silly, upper-middle class NYU bitch, so I wouldn't take money from you.' Then immediately: 'All right, I'll take 20.'

Bubble Gun Man:Man with bubble gun: 'Whoops! Now you're all wet! Even though I know you were already.'

Abbi:Alternate-timeline Abbi simply says 'I love my life' after accepting the bubble gun harassment

Abbi:In the alternate timeline, the same bubble gun man appears again and Abbi explodes: 'You're a needle-dick bitch, bitch. This guy's a bitch! You know hashtag, winning? You're hashtag, losing. That's your symbol of masculinity, a bubble gun?'

Abbi:Abbi: 'I hate my life.' (callback to 'I love my life' from alternate timeline)

Ilana:Ilana: fired from work, and her reaction is 'Come on, dude, fuck Grey Dog, I hate that fucking place!'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'Dude, I love Grey Dog!' / Ilana: '...But the one on Carmine is like, amazing. The staff is so sweet.' / Abbi: 'Dude, that's where I work!' / Ilana: 'Dude, I'm in there like every day!'

Ilana:Catering job opened up 'cause some guy just OD'ed'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi's notepad falls, Ilana scrambles to save it — Abbi discovers the Snipper took her ponytail: 'Oh my God, my hair! Oh, this is bad.'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana: 'No, it looks so good like that. Why do you straighten it?' / Abbi: ''Cause I look like a true Jew if I don't straighten.'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana: 'It's not necessarily a bad thing.' / Abbi: 'You wouldn't know.' / Ilana: 'No, I'm Jewish.' / Abbi: 'Not full.' / Ilana: 'Yeah, I'm completely Jewish. Check the records. Had a bat mitzvah.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana suggests Abbi looks like Rosie Perez with her curly hair, Abbi is offended, then immediately declares she's doing it this way every day forever

Abbi:Abbi: 'Bonus Jonas!'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi/Ilana: 'I'm starving.' / 'Oh my God I thought you'd never ask. Yes, I'm starving too.' / 'Jinx tummies.'

Abbi · Bystanders:Abbi's ponytail is swiped by the Snipper in the other timeline — discovered as everyone panics: 'He took my pony!'

Ilana · Tim (Boss):Ilana is caught drinking the Kenyan hazelnut coffee at work and fired — her response: 'Am I at least entitled to my one free coffee a day for employees?'

Ilana · Tim:Ilana: 'Wow, did you just call me a queef?' (mishearing 'thief')

Ilana:Ilana, freshly fired: 'Yeah, I'm so excited. First week in New York, I love this city.'

Bevers:Bevers: 'All my friends call me Bevers.'

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers explains the house rules: 'as a guest, the rules of the house are I never pay for food, I never do chores' — Abbi corrects him: 'No, that'd be weird.' Bevers: 'Okay. Got it.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Eww, I am having, like, a salty, wet diarrhea of a fucking day!'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Why would you have a suite-ing without me?'

Elizabeth Buton-Bates · Ilana:Grievance #27 in the suite PowerPoint: 'You call all of us Madison.'

Ilana · Suitemates:Grievance: 'The wall of graphic pornography above your bed.' Ilana: 'Oh, come on! I contribute a lot of culture to this suite.'

Ilana · Suitemates:Suitemate: 'You're always making us watch videos of animals having sex with people.' Ilana: 'Oh my God, again! I showed you ONE video. Many times. Of a man fighting for the sensual pleasure of his life, only to die later from internal bleeding. It's Mr. Hands!'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I see... because if it were a lady horse and a man, no one would have a problem with it. They can get fucking married for all I care. But gay dudes can't get married? Gay dudes can't get married, so a horse-dude and a dude-dude can not fuck.'

Jessica Merkel-Keller · Ilana:Grievance about Ilana's curly hair: 'When your hair is curly, it looks like pubes.' Ilana: 'You're a fucking bitch, but I'll go over it with the iron again.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I am so relieved that we have a hot black guy as president. I mean, I feel like we're finally moving forward. And it's just the beginning. I mean, never backwards. Only forwards! Next is a woman. Whoo!'

Ilana · Abbi:Abbi arrives with a black eye; Ilana: 'Aye, no, did you get kicked in the face by a subway performer again?'

Ilana · Jaime:Ilana is suddenly called to present in class — she hasn't prepared; she tries to get Jaime to pull the fire alarm. Jaime: 'I really want to, but I'm trying to become a citizen one day. It's illegal.'

Ilana · Jaime:'Jaime, can you pull the fire alarm again?' 'I really want to, but I'm trying to become a citizen one day. It's illegal.' 'I understand.'

Ilana · Professor:Ilana begins her presentation: 'Welcome to my lecture. The day is Thursday, the time is one o'clock.' Professor: 'Gotta stop you there. It's Friday and it's 4:00 p.m.'

Ilana:Ilana's presentation begins: '♪ White humans / Evil to the bone ♪'

Professor · Ilana:Professor: 'This is not Tisch.' Ilana: 'Yeah, you made that very clear the day you took my djembe away.'

Suitemate · Ilana:Suitemate fake emergency: 'There's a sinkhole in my hometown. My house is gone!' Ilana: 'Yes, girl, thank you.' Other suitemate: 'I'm serious, you bitch!'

Oda · Abbi · Ilana:Psychic Oda: 'Welcome.' / Abbi: 'Hi, we're interested in—' / Oda: 'Oh, I know. I possess the gift.' / Abbi/Ilana: 'Oh. She's good.'

Oda:Psychic says 'I'm feeling... you girls... are new friends.' Then burps/has indigestion mid-prophecy.

Oda:Psychic: 'Prophecy. You're gonna die today.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'We are so not dying today! So not! I mean, what, are we gonna listen to her? She was eating a burrito bowl.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'I don't know, then you can't be buried in the cemetery and that whole thing.' Ilana: 'Yeah, but that's just for Jewish people.' Abbi: 'Yeah, I'm Jewish, remember? I told you.' Ilana: 'I thought you were joking.'

Abbi:Abbi gets an Oprah tattoo

Ilana:Ilana: 'I always smoke on the median of that intersection, because when a cop sees me, I just throw my bowl into traffic.'

Ilana · Abbi:'He sounds like a freeloading bag-of-trash bitch.' 'I mean, I barely said anything about him. I haven't even met him yet.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'You gotta call your roommate right the fucking now and nip this in the ass.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi follows Ilana's advice and calls Melody, then Ilana starts coaching mid-call: 'And she should break up with him.'

Abbi:The call goes amazingly well — Abbi gushes: 'We're really communicating. I really thought this would be harder.'

Robert · Abbi:Robert: 'I just bought three slices of pizza that I'm gonna eat myself, so... pretty much sums it up.' Abbi: 'Respect.'

Abbi · Subway Swiper:'Do you want a hit?' [offers weed] 'Yeah. That'd be awesome.' 'Thanks. Cool pipe.' 'Got it on McDougal.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'We should press our breasts into it.' (about wet cement)

Abbi · Ilana:Both write their names: 'Abbi with I.' / 'Ilana with an I.' — both names start with the same letter, making the clarification useless

Abbi · Robert:Abbi has a black eye; Robert asks about it. Abbi: 'You know, I'm a supporter of the arts.'

Ilana · Abbi · Robert:Ilana: 'That's dope.' (to 'I'm a supporter of the arts') — then: 'You look like an artist, because of your haircut. Did you get it cut today?' Abbi: 'In a way, I did.'

Abbi · Robert:Abbi: 'You know what I've been thinking about lately? This is so, like, stupid, but why can't you get eggs after 11:00 a.m.?' / Robert: 'I think about that all the time!'